“And I can’t believe my birthday is in two days. Two! I’ll be ten. Soon I’ll be a teenager. What’s a teenager like?” Tommy asked.
I wouldn’t have any issues talking with him.
But the thing was, I was on the toilet.
Tommy knew this yet he still decided to carry on the conversation when I shut the bathroom door and said I had to go.
I suppose it’s a step up. After all, when he was younger he used to follow me IN the bathroom and just stare at me as I went. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? He was my first kid so I kept thinking, “Is he allowed to see my crotch? Is it child abuse if he does? WHAT ARE THE RULES?” (Mind you, I was 19 when I had him so I didn’t know a lot..)
Why do kids want to follow their parents in the bathroom though? I wouldn’t want to follow anyone into the bathroom. I’d gag. When I have to go into a public restroom and someone emits a loud fart, I want run right back out. And okay, I also want to laugh.
Anyway, the good news is I finally got Natalie to stop following me in. But like Tommy, she still sits at the door. She’ll be silent and then as soon as I go to the bathroom she’s at my heels, thinking it’s a grand field trip. It’s like she has an alarm that goes off in her head. She can be entertaining herself and the second I get up to use the bathroom, she’s there.
Basically, I only get PIPs (poops in peace) when they are at school. Or sleeping. And naturally, I rarely have to GO at that time.
“Er, Tommy?” I called out. “I’m kind of busy here. Give me five minutes and—”
“Then I can drive a car! Can I have Daddy’s truck and he can get a new one?” Tommy continued.
“Can I just POOP IN PEACE!?” I screeched. Well. Not really. I wanted to.
“Daddy will probably still be driving his truck unless one of us strike it rich. Truck payments make me want to cry,” I said. I gave up trying to make Tommy wait. This is my life. I talk while making a number two.
“I can’t wait until I’m ten!” Tommy prattled on.
I washed my hands. I can be finished with a number two pretty quickly. I’ve never understood why men want to sit and take their time. Doesn’t it stink? Why is sitting on a toilet enjoyable? Maybe if they had a kid follow THEM in, they wouldn’t like it as much..
In a few years I might finally get my PIPs. And who knows, maybe in a weird way I’ll miss talking while I’m on the throne.
Probably not though.