Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pretending To Be Made

Click click click

Click click click



“What in the world?” Tom turned around from his computer game as I strutted my stuff across the living room floor. Well. More like tried not to fall flat on my face.

“I’m pretending I’m on that MTV show Made where the model comes down to turn the tomboy into a girly girl. They usually make them wear heels all day for practice,” I explained, walking confidently across the room again. I almost tripped into the Christmas tree. Dammit.

“That’s—” Tom began, then stopped. He probably wanted to say that it was bizarre but didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

“I don’t want to trip and embarrass you at the Christmas party on Saturday. So I’m practicing. My feet are already killing me. How I’m going to wear these all night is beyond me. Do you think it would be improper to take them off?” I wondered.

“Probably,” Tom answered. He didn’t want to be known as the one whose wife took off her heels and walked around the room in her nylon covered feet.

Yes, I am wearing nylons even though several people have told me they are out. But I can’t wear nothing because I’m pale. And I haven’t shaved in ages. Though yes, I will shave for the party. But still. I’ll be pale. And someone pointed out that Kate Middleton wears nylons with her dresses all the time so if someone says something I’ll be like, “Royalty does it like this. So there.”

Click click CLUNCK. Oops. Lost my footing again and almost collapsed on our daughter, who sadly can walk in heels better than I can. In fact, she ran and got her heels (plastic princessy ones. She is not Suri Cruise) and went, “Like THIS, Mommy,” and swayed easily across the room.

I tried to copy her movements and she sighed and went, “No.” Just like those models on the MTV show Made.

“Heels are just evil inventions and I hate them,” I sulked. Women normally love shoes. Not me. I love chocolate. And books. And Target shopping trips.

I imagine I’ll be fine at the party. I’ll grip onto Tom for dear life.

Or spend most of the night seated.



20 comments:

  1. So wear flats. Tom will love you just the same, and you'll probably look just as good. And the rest of the women will be jealous.
    I think heels are torture devices designed by men.

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  2. I want to see pictures of this.
    Seriously.

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  3. Just wear flats! You will look great anyway. Have you ever tried Sally Hanson Airbrush for legs? Easy to use and gives some color. Heels are way overrated!

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  4. I will not be caught dead in heels. I know that's weird, but the shoe-lovin' gene totally overlooked me when I was born. Flats it is. Or shoes with 1-2 inch heels, at the most.

    I figure... as women, we suffer so much in so many other ways. WHY should our feet hurt too?

    As for nylons... I would wear them too only... like if I have a black dress, I'll get black nylons. Black tights. If its navy blue, then navy blue nylons. You know what I'm saying? If it applies, I'll change the color of the nylons.

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  5. I love my heels ... the secret to wearing heels is to not think about the fact that you are wearing them and to put your weight on your toes like you would if you were walking on your toes.

    Do you have non-slip pads for inside your shoes?

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  6. The problem is not the heels but the shoes you've chosen. Those sandals are bits of strap with no support. You need to get a funky NEW pair of heels that will support your feet. And um, black not silver. Ever see those cute black bootie/shoes with heels? They look fierce and funky, like your dress.

    and yes I know you dont want to buy a new pair of shoes just to wear them once but they'll look better, you'll feel better and you may wear them again.

    DO IT.

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  7. Like these from Kohl's -->
    http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-1250359/journee-collection-rhythm-peep-toe-high-heel-booties-juniors.jsp

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  8. Heels are evil. Just sayin'. ;) I didn't know that nylons were out, but I haven't worn them in years.

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  9. heels Are evil...and yet I love them. All.Of.Them LOL

    the secret someone told me was that you have to place one foot directly in front of the other...kinda like you are walking a tightrope (aren't you?), which is what also gives your hips that certain sway.
    I know - sounds ridiculous, but I swear it works.

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  10. I love shoes, hate heels. I can't walk in them either. Wedges, I can do.
    Good for you for practising though. People look so classy in heels. I wish I could pull it off.

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  11. I hate shoes Id rather be barefoot and I cant walk in heels to save my life

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  12. LOL THANK YOU for finding my blog so I could find yours. You have me cracking up. Newest follower, of course.

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  13. I haven't worn dress shoes(heels) in a long time. Even then, they were not taller than 3 inch. I am amazed at some of the heels i am seeing now at stores. They are just broken angle causes. Good luck at the party .

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  14. I love books, chocolate, shopping at Target AND shoes!

    I'm with whomever suggested getting new shoes. I have a feeling that if you got something with either a wedge or a platform (and a closed toe - to go with those nylons you INSIST on wearing) you would be better off. And your feet would thank you. Especially, if you buy some insoles to cushion your feet.

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  15. You'll do great! But, next time you're shopping, you need to find a pair that is comfortable for you. Work your way into the heal. Oh, and nylons are fine, or tights even. Who cares about if you have nylons or not?

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  16. Hee hee! So funny! I love your daughter's sigh.

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  17. I gave up on heels, I stand up all day at work, and run a lot, my poor feet have suffered enough! You can get some cute flats, or just hang on to Tom, gaze at him adoringly and flutter your eyelashes. People will just think you are a bit clingy, they won't notice the heels!

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  18. Speaking of Christmas parties and heels, I should probably start practicing too. I always make my husband escort me around when I wear heels. I can hang onto his arm and he can look gentlemanly.

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  19. If you must wear nylons (which I get that certain people feel like they need them), I would suggest a closed toe shoe. That way you can get a lower heel or a wedge instead. Either way, you'll look great!

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  20. lol! my shoes kept falling off and i almost got ran over crossing the street. if anyone saw a woman with 4 kids walking through downtown okc sans shoes last night, that was me.

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