Friday, October 10, 2014

The Pity Flowers




I sort of knew something was wrong by the expression on his face.

When you've been married for almost 12 years, you know. He wouldn't look me in the eye, for one. He bit down on his lower lip.

I had the flowers that he brought me in my arms. I was happy and surprised when he walked in with them after work. When you've been married 12 years, flowers don't happen very often. So when he gave them to me, I breathed in the sweet scent, and then I looked at his face and I knew.

I swallowed hard. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe he had a rough day at work. With shaky fingers, I read the card that came with the flowers.

"I'll always be here for you..."

My heart froze. No. No, not again. Please, not again.

"You're not deploying?" I said this in a half-pleading tone. Please, please, please, no.

Tom's eyes went shifty. And then he went, "Yes."

"You brought me pity flowers," I said. I wanted to open our front door and scream the f-word at the top of my lungs. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair! "Please. At least. Disney." I couldn't even form a proper sentence.

A small shake of his head. "I'll be gone."

I knew it. I knew if I planned a trip to Disney that the military would take him away. Why did I bother trying? This always happens. We tried to go to Disney in 2013. He was deployed. We had a family reunion planned over the summer. He had to go to a military thing. The thing about the military is, you can't plan. Your spouse is a soldier. He or she doesn't belong to you. They belong to their country. Always.

Tears spilled from my eyes. I should be used to this by now. We've been married for almost 12 years. He's been gone a good portion of those years. He's not mine, not completely. He belongs to the government. He's theirs first, mine second.

"I just. Why all the time?" I sniffled as Tom took me in his arms. "Why can't we have a family vacation ever?"

Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this blog post. ISIS has threatened to kill military families after all. But to stay silent is to let them win. I know how to fire a weapon and maybe we even have one in this house. Maybe Tom insists I carry one in my car. I will never give details on where Tom is going or when. I just can't do this alone. If I kept quiet, I'd lose my mind.

Natalie, who is a daddy's girl, was not happy when she heard Tom was leaving. "But he just got back!" she huffed. "Now what?" He shrug was almost comical, and if my heart wasn't breaking, I'd have laughed.

"You're stuck with me," I answered.

Natalie sighed. "I guess you'll do," and then she jumped on her Daddy's back, because only he can play horsie with her. I'm not strong enough. I try and I teeter back and forth and Natalie will eventually say, "This is just not the same."

I sat on the couch in a daze, hearing my little girl laugh with her Daddy, and my son, my Tommy, who has autism and struggles to decipher human emotions sat down beside me and patted my arm. "It's okay," he said, his face pinched, because crying makes him uncomfortable. "You've got this."

Yes.

I've got this.

50 comments:

  1. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I've got nothing.
    I also won't say I know how you feel because I don't. I will tell you that I know that separation sucks. Stay strong.

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  2. I was so hoping when I saw your tweet last week that he wasn't being deployed again. You will get through this!

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  3. Ah sweetie. That sucks, I'm sorry.

    Sending hugs.

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  4. I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I've gotten to the point where I plan vacations around deployments and always semi last minute. I booked our latest vacation more than 2 months out and that's really far out for us! Tommy is right, though, "you've got this!"

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  5. I'm so sorry. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to you, your family, and your husband for the sacrifices you all make.

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  6. Oh, Amber. No amount of flowers in the world could make up for even one day of Tom's absence. I hate this so much for you and the kids! :(

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  7. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Thank you and your husband for your sacrifices. No words can describe what it must be like for you.

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  8. Ohhh girl. I got goosebumps reading this. And Tommy's reaction was so sweet, being all grown up and comforting you. I'm so sorry. Your family is in my prayers. Thank you for all that your family does for the rest of us.

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  9. You are amazing and you totally have got this. You have done it before and can do it again.

    That being said, this SUCKS. I'm so sorry.

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  10. I cried reading this. I'm sorry.

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  11. Awww, I'm sorry. Even though you know what he (and by extention you) signed up for, I'm sure it never gets any easier.

    Tommy's response to you, so sweet.

    Thanks to your husband for his service and to you and your family for your fortitude.

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  12. @#$%^&*!!!
    I am so sorry.
    And I thank you and your husband for everything-- every bit of it-- that you give up for our country.
    But damn...
    I'm sorry.
    xo jj

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  13. I cannot imagine how difficult being married to a military man would be. Especially in these uncertain times. Please thank him for his service from me. My thoughts will be with you until he comes home. Please take care of yourself and know that you have many many friends that care about you and your family. You are not alone.

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  14. Awww man!! I just HATE that conversation...every.single.time. It never gets easier, and of course, you never see it coming. I hope you at least got a little bit of time before he has to go, and I pray your time apart goes quickly!

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  15. Awww no :( I can't imagine what it must be like to be a military wife/family. It must be SO hard. I'm so sorry :( *hugs*

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  16. I am so sorry! I can't say I relate but I imagine I'd feel as you do if my husband didn't belong to me completely. That's gotta be rough. I pray that the time apart won't be too long.

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  17. I am sorry he is deploying again! Tommy is right, you've got this.

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  18. Oh this made my heart ache and I had a knot in my throat the whole time. You're probably tired of hearing "Be strong" but I can't think of anything else. I just wish I could give you a hug. (((HUGS)))

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  19. I have been following your blog for quite a while now, and instagram as well. This breaks my heart, and I'm so sorry to hear of yet another deployment. You are such an inspiration - as one Miltary spouse to another, my heart is with you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. (lulabellfairbanks)

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  20. I am so sorry darl. Wish there was something I could say to make it better but of course there isn't. I can't imagine it would be easy, even after 12 years of it happening.

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  21. Amber, My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine the rage you must be feeling. I so appreciate the work your husband and other military folks do for our country. I know you can do this but it is so not fair.

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  22. Geez, you made me tear up.. I can't imagine :( How heartbreaking!! I'm sorry.. Hopefully someday, SOON, you guys can go on a family vacation together.

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  23. OH, Amber - I read this and just about cried for you!!! I'm so sorry. The whole time I was reading I was saying "but he just got back." My husband was sitting here and I told him and he said "active duty." I know that I'm fortunate that the guard (and Chris' unit) don't deploy as often or as long.
    Sweet Tommy is right - You've got this!!!

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  24. Crappy news. Just crappy.

    But you write about so beautifully! Navy deployments are different (never a surprise), but I completely felt your let down.

    You can do this!

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  25. This made me cry. You are very brave. Your family is amazing. Tommy`s right, you got this!

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  26. This hurt my heart. I'm so sorry. You are a strong woman----I think I would have come undone.

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  27. I'm so sorry this is happening in your life again. I would like to thank your husband, you and your children for the sacrifice you make to keep the rest of us safe. Hugs.

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  28. There are no words. Sending hugs, and thanks to your Hubby for all he does.

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  29. Im so sorry. My heart broke for you when you said he belongs to our country. Fuck, that's so messed up. I'm sorry and that is all :(

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  30. I am so sorry - I don't even have words.
    I know what it's like to have a spouse taking away on special days, holidays and called back during vacations: but no where near as grand as scale as this. I hope it helps that the rest of us are SO SO Thankful and Appreciative of the sacrifice he gives.

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  31. OH This sucks Amber. I'm so sorry. I will keep you guys in my prayers.

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  32. Oh my lovely blogging friend. I am so sorry. It's always the way, you are so, so right. And you are not alone. Write about it, cry about it to us, we'll read, we're here for you, as creepy as that is since I'm basically a faceless person typing at the computer right now.


    But I mean it. We want to hear. We are here for you.

    From one military wife and ex-solider to another military wife, hugs, wine, and tears, from my heart to yours.

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  33. Am so sorry Amber. Will be thinking of you and Tom and your entire family.-Ashley

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  34. You made me cry. I understand; we are always second. But I believe we couldn't prouder if we tried. Listen to your son. Smart boy. Many thoughts coming your way. Just no words that can make it right, but know there are many standing with you. -H.

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  35. Oh no! I've been so enjoying Tom being included in all of your stories, but less selfishly, it's because I know he's been included in your daily lives.
    This is why I wish we lived closer. Winter would be better.
    So, so sorry. :-(

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  36. Wow. You're strong, mama! I'm so sorry he'll miss another vacation and more precious time at home. When husbands serve, they're whole families serve. Thank you for your service to our country.

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  37. HUGS! I hope he won't be deployed for long. Thinking of you.

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  38. I'm sorry!! Lots of hugs and thoughts your way! Keeping my thoughts together with your whole family during this difficult time and a quick return!

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  39. I don't even know what to say other than I am so sorry. When you said he belongs to our country, wow, that is tough.

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  40. I hate this for you. I can't even begin to know what its like. But you can always vent on your blog and I will listen (read) Its the best I can offer :)

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  41. Oh, Amber! I'm so sorry! It makes me feel bad about complaining when my husband has to work every weekend. I don't know how we'd handle it if hr were gone weeks at a time. Please know that my family truly appreciates the sacrifices your family makes to keep us safe!

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  42. I would cry too, and throw a big fit, because even though you can't control it, it's okay to be angry.

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  43. Great read even a second time! I'm sorry you are dealing with this again so soon, but you write about it so eloquently! I'll pray for your whole family during this difficult transition!

    (PS Thank you for linking up today at #MILFAM Monday!)

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  44. I'm sorry. It's never easy, is it? Best wishes to you and your family, you can get through it!

    ~Kara
    greenmtngirl.com

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  45. My friend Ana Lynn Ameilio told me about this post. I'm so sorry. Military life is filled with ups and downs and none of it is simple and straightforward. Wishing you all the support and encouragement in the world during this time.

    Lauren

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  47. I'm so sorry. But way to go Tommy! What a comfort he can be.

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