My Dear Letters

Dear Tom,

Maybe you need some etiquette training on how one behaves while talking on Skype. It’s not polite to call me a Yeti when I mention that I haven’t shaved in a few days. Saying, “Oh man, you were like a Yeti some days!” is not very nice. Did I ever tell you that there were some days when your breath smelled like ass?

Signed,
A-So-Not-A-Yeti,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

What’s with all the hair questions? We’ve already established that when you’re older that you will have hair. Down there. So why did you have to take it further and ask if you’ll get hair on your butt too? I mean, ew.

Signed,
A-Sick-Of-Talking-About-Pubes,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

Yay! You finally used the potty. But telling me that you don’t plan on doing it again is not cool. Thank goodness you did do it again, only you peed like a dude. This means that you got the pee everywhere on the toilet but inside it. Thanks.

Signed,
I'm-just-happy-she's-going,
Amber

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Dear Uptight Parents,

Really, it’s okay if your kid eats fries. It’s okay if you feed them non-organic food. If they fall down, don’t freak out about it. It’ll happen a lot.

PS—naming your kids overly unique names isn’t okay either. Naming a kid Cosmo is just wrong. And taking a popular name like Emily and spelling it Emaleah will be irritating for your kid in the future. It’s still the same name no matter how you spell it.

Signed,
The-woman-who-will-slip-you-kid-a-fry-when-you-aren’t-looking,
Amber


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Dear Vacuum,

I’m sorry I’ve been using you a lot lately. What can I say, I have a messy three-year-old. I’m trying to explain to her that we don’t dump our snack on the floor and then sit on it. And I’m trying to tell the bugs to not fly in the house so I don’t have to whip out the vacuum and suck them up since I’m too wimpy to deal with them myself. Please don’t stop working. I need you.

Signed,
A-highly-dependent-on-her-vacuum,
Amber

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Dear Halloween,

I know it’s still wayyy early, but I’m ready for you. I’m ready for the candy that I’ll say I’m picking up for the neighborhood kids and then usually wind up eating myself so I have to go buy some more. I’m ready for the costumes (Tommy is a creepy skeleton, Natalie is a peacock!) and I’m even ready for tackling the task of carving the pumpkin on my own (usually Tom would do it.) Sure it might end up resembling that scary looking dude on The Goonies but oh well.

Signed,
A-Ready-For-Candy,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

I’m writing to you again because I’m getting a little irritated over the fact that you want to change your underwear at least 5 times a day. You cannot have a Princess pair in the morning and then change your mind and want a Blue’s Clues pair an hour later. Likewise at night you can’t suddenly request the flower ones and then toss me a dirty look when I say no. One pair of underwear per day! You are not Lady Gaga.

Signed,
An-I’m-not-doing-all-that-laundry,
Amber