Natalie Is Coming

Okay not NOW.

But if she doesn't come over the weekend then she's for sure coming out Monday.

Why?

Because that's when I'm going to be induced.

I know, I know.

I hope that doesn't happen, I'd rather just go into labor naturally.

But here's the problem: Tom is set to trip out on Thursday I believe. He's gone four days and since they're shortstaffed there's no guarantee that he'd be able to get back as soon as he leaves. So if I go into labor he might just be told, "Oops sorry, you can't leave.."

Which wouldn't be good.

Yes my Mom is here but they don't allow children in the room when the woman is in labor and giving birth.

I had my appointment today and I asked about induction. I thought that I might be told that they didn't do such things unless I was two weeks after my due date. That's how it was in Nebraska, anyhow.

But the doctor was all, "Oh yes sure, we can get you in Monday if nothing happens. But I'll also want to strip your membranes today then just to try and get labor started over the weekend."

First off strip your membranes doesn't sound pleasant.

And let me tell you, IT WASN'T.

Especially when the nurse who accompanied him said seriously, "Yes it'll be 15 to 20 seconds of pain."

FIFTEEN TO TWENTY SECONDS OF PAIN?!

My face dropped.

I didn't intend to come to my appointment and endure FIFTEEN TO TWENTY SECONDS of pain.

"Oh go ahead and get it done," Mr. Insensitive, aka my husband who wouldn't have to endure FIFTEEN TO TWENTY SECONDS of pain said.

"Um.." I said, twisting my fingers around nervously. "The thing is...I mean.."

"It'll be okay," Tom continued because HE wasn't the one who would have fingers shoved up his privates and cause FIFTEEN TO TWENTY SECONDS of pain.

Hello?

What happened to the men in the stories I read who couldn't bear to see their loved ones in pain?

It'll be OKAY indeed.

"If you get your membranes sweeped there's a good chance you'll go into labor over the weekend," the doctor continued.

Which I'd prefer to happen.

Because when I see labors being induced on A Baby Story it seems dreadfully boring.

Not that going into labor naturally is much quicker. I mean I was pretty much in the hospital all day waiting for Tommy.

But still.

Finally I agreed that I would get my membranes sweeped.

The nurse said to Tom, "Okay stand by her and grab her hand.."

She was all SERIOUS about it and it was really started to freak me out.

The doctor moved the curtain so that my Mom and Tommy wouldn't be traumatized.

Tommy went, "Hey doctor, what are you DOING?" Mom mumbled to him that the doctor was going to check me over.

"Okay first I'm just going to check and see if you've dialated any," the doctor said, shoved his gloved gelled fingers inside of me.

That part wasn't bad.

"Okay you're about one centimeter..but still high and tight.."

Hmph.

But at least I'm one centimeter.

This is the part that got bad:

When he shoved his fingers WAYYYYYY back into me, where fingers and other things should NOT BE.

It wasn't really painful.

Just very very VERY uncomfortable.

I gripped Tom's hand hard.

And bit my finger. Hard. Trying to pretend that nothing amiss was going on down there.

Chew chew chew. Come on Amber, focus on the FINGER pain not DOWN THERE...

HOLY SHIT THIS IS GOING ON MORE THAN TWENTY SECONDS!

"Blow out like you're blowing out a candle," the nurse piped up, seeing my discomfort.

Come on Amber, think of something else.

Think of...I don't know...bunnies. Aren't bunnies cute..bunnies are..for the love of GOD is he going to be FINISHED SOON?

"There we go," the doctor said and mercifully removed his fingers. "Now don't be alarmed by the blood, it's normal.."

"Uh huh.." I still felt violated.

Then he felt around my stomach. "Oh yeah, this baby is ready to come out," he said.

Then he listened to Natalie's heartbeat. "Perfect," he said and gave me a smile.

Hmph smile away evil doctor.

"So if nothing happens this weekend give labor and delivery a call at 630 in the morning to make sure they have a bed for you. I'm going to go place an order for an induction Monday now.."

Place an ORDER?

Like I'm ordering freakin' lunch and not giving birth to a human being.

After he and the nurse left I slowly got dressed. After I was dressed I pushed back the curtain and Tommy went, "Mommy what happened?"

"Mommy is fine," I lied and forced a smile.

My Mom looked concerned too. "Are you feeling okay? You look pale.."

"I just..." I shuddered. "I never want to go through that again. That was longer than twenty seconds!"

Tom laughed. "Not really. It was more like ten.."

Mom shrugged. "Yes it didn't seem long to me either.."

Well of course. BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE FINGERS SCRAPPING UP THEIR PRIVATES!

After my appointment we went to Wal-Mart.

I picked up some pork chops since I wanted to make breaded pork chops for Mom.

(She really liked the crock pot chili.)

Tom was trying to get me into trouble. "Amber I see you eyeing McDonalds over there.."

HELLO?

Do you WANT me to get a lecture?

I stepped on his foot when Mom wasn't looking and told him to quit it.

(And for the record I DID want McDonalds but I ALWAYS want McDonalds.)

[We didn't get McDonalds. Because we had leftover chili at home of course.]

Tommy picked out his birthday present from my Mom. He picked out an ambulance that makes noises and moves and another wrestling belt.

(Actually Tom picked that out but Tommy went, "Oh I like it!")

Then Mom and Tommy picked out a plant for them to grow.

(I warned Mom that it would probably die after she left.)

Mom also bought Tommy more books. She loves that he loves to read.

It has been nice having Mom here. She really is a wonderful mother. Tommy has been attached to her. If I try to sit down next to Tommy he'll go, "No NONNA is sitting there!"

Excuse me.

I only gave you life kid, excuse me for having the audacity to sit beside you.

(And he calls my Mom Nonna.)

Oh Mom also got him this bug kit thing.

She says that she'll buy him a cricket from the mall pet store.

*Shudders*

I hope it dies before she leaves because I don't want to deal with a bug. And then have to clean out the cage.

Ew.

Well at first Tom was all, "We could get a small spider, they sell those there I think.."

Um NO we CANNOT.

Plus, what's he talking about a spider? He's terrified of them too.

(I think he was pretending not to be for my Mom's benefit. Mom is afraid of NO bug you see..she'll touch anything..)

Anyhow.

I am feeling some slight cramping.

But it could be my confused cervix. "What the hell Amber, nothing is meant to come up this far!"

I'm not sure.

I just know my back is hurting a bit. Nothing too painful yet though.

I'll keep everyone posted.

Because we have a laptop and I believe the hospital has wireless. So I can update from the hospital.

(Even though Mom is all, "Amber, how are you supposed to write when you're in labor?" I reminded her that I planned on having an epidural. That the epidural man/woman is my best friend..)

Of course if I do write when I'm having contractions the entry might go something like this:

"SONOFABITCH WHERE IS THE EPIDURAL PERSON? DO I HAVE TO MARCH DOWN THE HALLS AND FIND THEM MYSELF?"