I had this for breakfast:
Tom doesn't understand how I can have cake for breakfast.
"It's better to have cake in the morning. That way you can burn off the calories throughout the day," I explain.
Plus, it gives you something to look forward to when the alarm goes off too early.
You'll be lying in bed wishing you can throw the alarm clock out the window but then you'll remember: "That's right! I have cake!"
Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my best friend Jennifer. I'm always thrilled to get mail that aren't bills. Or junk mail that begs me to open a new credit card. No thank you. It's especially hard when I get clothes catalogues in the mail. Companies have caught wind that I buy a lot of clothes for my children and suddenly I have catalogues filled with tiny dresses and patchwork shorts that make me go "Aww" outloud.
But I am trying to be good. I'm trying not to shop as much. The kids have enough clothes. I don't need the ultra adorable patchwork shorts. And ohmigosh, that red dress! I have to have the red--
Put the catalogue DOWN, Amber.
Anyhow, I opened Jennifer's package and Natalie was beside me.
"Diapers!" Natalie shrieked when she saw the box. She honestly thought that Jennifer sent her diapers for her birthday. Which, okay, wouldn't be the worst thing ever. Because diapers are expensive. I really am working on getting Natalie potty trained. Because the sooner she's potty trained, the sooner I can stop spending money on diapers. And then maybe I can get that adorable red dress!
(No Amber. No. Natalie doesn't need the red dress.)
I bought a tiny potty for Natalie and she was excited at first. She sat on it and told me seriously, "Potties!" So then I took off her diaper and explained that she had to pee in the potty.
"No fanks," she replied and got off.
No thanks? What do you mean, no thanks?
We're still working on it. Look, if Tori Spelling can potty train her kid then I certainly can.
"You're not getting diapers for your birthday, Natalie," I told her as I peeked in the box.
See, I was looking for the chocolate that Jennifer said she put in there.
She works at Godiva. Which means she sends me delicious chocolates and she had mentioned that she had added a "gold box" to the package.
I know what a gold box means.
It means ultra delicious chocolates!
So I managed to find the tiny box and..
It was EMPTY?
Had Natalie not been beside me I might have uttered some choice words. ("What the fu*k???" being at the top of the list.) Because hello, where were my chocolates? Did the postal worker steal them? Or..or..was Jennifer playing some sick trick?
She wouldn't do that to me.
I was starting to panic. Where were my chocolates?
I picked up the gold box thinking that perhaps there was a secret compartment.
I mean, it's Godiva after all. It's pretty fancy. Maybe there was a tiny button that you push and then the chocolate pops out?
There was no button.
Only a message from Jennifer scrawled on the bottom that told me to enjoy the Raspberry Truffle and White Praline Chick.
Well, Jennifer, I would LOVE to enjoy the Raspberry Truffle and White Praline Chick.
BUT WHERE WERE THEY?
Regaining my composure and reminding myself that I was a grown adult who didn't really need chocolates to begin with (SCREW THAT, I NEED CHOCOLATES!) I started pulling out the gifts.
They were hiding.
There may be people out there who wouldn't have eaten them. What if germs had seeped into the box after all?
But I didn't care.
I just calmly popped the chick in my mouth.
Mmm white praline chick.
Then I handed Natalie her gift:
And she got one of those creepy Yo Gabba Gabba dolls. The one named Foofa. Natalie was thrilled. "FOOFA!" she screamed.
She also got a Color Wonder set. I love Color Wonders. Because Natalie got a hold of a real marker and proceeded to draw all over the walls down the hall. I managed to get most of it out with Mr. Clean Magic Eraser but now the walls have a green tint to them.
When Tommy came home from school he wanted to open the presents right away.
But then he grew annoyed when I asked him to smile. He went, "Mommy. Not right now. I'm busy." I suppose I should be grateful that he still calls me Mommy.
He ended up getting some Legos and a Piggy Bank that he can paint.
Natalie's birthday is March 19th by the way. We went to Wal-Mart and let her pick out her cake from the giant cakebook they have.
Yes, I know Wal-Mart can be a frightening place. It honestly looks like most of the people who shop there are about to keel over at any second.
But the cakes are good. And are better than anything I could ever make. I wish I were joking but I am not.
So Tom and I brought the cake book over and Natalie would be all, "Dora! Spongebob! Princess! Horses!"
"Which one do you like the best?" I'd ask her.
"DORA! SPONGEBOB! PRINCESS! HORSES! DIEGOOOOOOO!"
"Well. Do you want a Dora cake then?" I'd press.
"DORA! SPONGEBOB! PRINCESS! HORSES! DIEGGOOOOO!"
Obviously she wanted them all.
In the end we decided on a Princess cake. It had a castle on it and Natalie practically does a happy dance when she sees a castle these days.
But as I said on my Twitter page:
Having a toddler pick out her birthday cake from a cake book is about as difficult as not going "What the f*ck?" during an episode of Lost.