Tuesday, May 19, 2009

You Prime It

So I was on a high from changing the license plates all by myself. I decided, hey, while I’m at it, why not mow the yard? A lot of people were mowing their yard. Granted, most of the people were MEN. I sort of stared wistfully at the guy across the street as he pushed the mower effortlessly across his yard. I think he caught me staring at him and assumed that I was checking out his butt.

Sorry. But no. I was just jealous that all these men were out in their yards and I was stuck doing it myself.

I sighed and headed into the garage to pull the mower out. The mower, by the way, was wedged in the corner and was surrounded by my treasures. See, I call them treasures; my husband refers to them as JUNK. Excuse me, my old high school notebooks are NOT junk. They could come in handy someday. Suppose I want to remember what my sixth period class was back in 1998? You just never know.

So after I pushed my treasures aside I went to yank the mower out. But it wasn’t budging. I grunted and strained until I realized that one of the wheels was trapped by an old scarf. Ew! Where did that scarf come from? It was neon (!) multicolored and something that I would never be caught dead in. Ew! Then I realized that it was my husband’s old scarf. See, we had gone through a bunch of boxes and Tom had opted to KEEP the scarf in case our son wanted it someday.

I couldn’t fathom anyone wearing that scarf. Ever. So I sort of tossed it behind some boxes and hoped that a mouse would come out and eat it/poop on it/drag it away....

I guess the scarf started a love affair with the mower or something because I had to pull a few times in order to get it free.

Then I tossed it behind some boxes again.

I dragged the mower to the yard and took a deep breath before yanking on the string that turned it on.

I pulled and....

....nothing happened.

So I pulled again.


Then I started muttering a bunch of inappropriate words and I may have even kicked the mower’s side.

“You WILL work,” I told the mower sternly. I have a problem with talking to inanimate objects.

Thankfully my neighbor, who had been spraying weed killer in his yard, had gone inside so he didn’t catch my mini-tantrum. However, I saw one of his curtains flick as though someone had been standing there.

Uh oh.

They may have seen me talk to the mower.

Great. Now my neighbor is going to think I’m crazy like Anne Heche when she lost her mind and started talking alien.

I’m not like that, I swear.

I stomped in the house and dialed my husband’s number.

“Hello?” he said.

“How do I turn the mower on? I’m pulling and nothing is happening!” I shouted dramatically.

“Is it SO hard for you to say hello first?” Tom wondered.

“HELLO!” I said my voice laced with irritation. "How do I turn on the mower?"

Seriously. It was hot and sweat was starting to form on my brow. I am not attractive when I turn hot. I become a drippy red-faced mess. I wanted to mow and get it over with. It was not the time for pleasantries.

“You prime it,” Tom said calmly. He’s used to my antics. Sometimes I think he may even get off on them. Then he can be like, “Yes, I’m the sane one in this relationship.”

Prime it?

What’s a prime it? It sounded like a new dance move or something.

“What’s a prime it?” I questioned. It was like an entirely different language.

Tom chuckled. Oh, laugh it up mister. We’ll see who is laughing when we see each other for the first time in three months and I’m wearing granny panties and pretending that I’m on my period.

“You know that red button on the front of the mower?” Tom said.

I walked to the front of the mower and squatted down. I noticed a red button with the word PRIME 6TIMES above it.



“I see it,” I replied and started pushing it.

“The mower should work now,” Tom said knowingly as though he had just discovered how to make chocolate or something.

I pulled the string and the mower roared to life.

“Thank you,” I said to Tom. “Talk to you later. Love you!”

See? I can be quite nice when I figure things out.

I got the entire front lawn mowed and part of the back. Then I got tired. I honestly started to see spots and John Krasinski (Jim on The Office ) leaped out from behind a pine tree. So I figured at that point that I needed to stop.

Although, admittedly, I was a little disappointed that John wasn’t really there. It turned out to be an empty box.

Oh well.


  1. Lawn mowing is a lot harder than it looks! You go girl!

  2. Is your mower a self propelled? This could help.

    I never say hello either. My hubby has never questioned it. I don't think he says hi either. We are both right to business.

    Text him next time... WTF Mower won't start


  3. Well I for one am proud of you, you only had to call the hubby once after all.

    I'm banned from mowing the lawn, I've run over too many sprinklers!

  4. I hate mowing the lawn more than pretty much anything ...except folding laundry!

  5. Congrats on the lawn, mowing does stink! I pretend like I have no clue about the mower and it seems to get my out of mowing! :) LOL
    Dropping in to say hi. Found your site from the SITS site!

  6. You go girl!

    I have to admit I've never mowed a lawn. But then again, I've never had to talk to a lawn mower either.

    Sounds like you and my husband have the same alternative definition for treasure, I mean junk, I mean treasure...well you know what I mean.

  7. YES! So glad I'm not the only person out there who cannot ever, EVER get rid of her high school notebooks. They are a treasure.

  8. Hey, this was a great read for my first visit. Enjoyed the line about the granny panties.

  9. I FREAKIN LOVE YOUR BLOG! I hope we dont have to break up anytime soon, cause girl, you amuse me! LOL I wonder if my mower has a prime button, it would sure save on all the string pulling that feels almost as bad as childbirth on the 10th pull. there is certainly enough panting going on in my back yard to compare it to childbirth. now i think you need to change the oil and then you can officially earn your own fab set of cahones!

  10. This is why I have people for that sort of thing...LOL.

    Namely, my husband and father-in-law. They're also real good about taking out the trash and shoveling the walks too.

  11. You absolutely crack me up all the time!
    Although I know "what a prime it is" I still have a hard time starting our mower alone.
    And I like to talk to inanimate objects too. You're not crazy.

  12. I mowed the lawn a week before my due date with Izzy. I was so done with being pregnant. It didn't work. I haven't done it again!

  13. Mr. Musician (I don't know anything else but my instrument) was so bad with the mower (running over rocks, sticks you name it), to the point we had to replace the mower every year.

    After fixing what I could and starting it when he couldn't...I'm happy to say he is now well trained and yippee...we've had our mower for a whole two years.

    I think it's awesome your husband knows exactly what to tell you on the phone to help out. (Hugs)Indigo

  14. You are the Goddess of Lawn Moving and Licensee Plate Attachment....

  15. LOL - this sounds a lot like the antics that go on around my household. I am always stuck mowing the lawn (I have no idea why) and it is my husband who never says hello whenever he answers the phone, he always states "What-a-ya doin'?" - so rude in my opinion, but whatever : )

  16. first of all...you really still had a sixth period in 1998?!?! sigh...
    seceond of all...i just realized how crazy lucky i am to live in a city neighborhood with no grass at all (seriously, our soccer field is cinders! no grass. NOT KIDDING!)! the other thing we don't have is deer ticks, which is definitely a plus in my book!

  17. HAHA, had the same experience this week! I thought I was "helping" my husband. But by the time he had to explain to me-- five times and then actually SHOW me-- I'm not sure I was even much help. That dang "primer" thing was my hang up too.

    Now we're old pros though, right?

  18. FACT! Jim was there I promise. Congrats on your mowing job and next time come over and I'll make you some lemonade for your troubles...

  19. i used to mow the lawn and now we hire ... caveman's back is bad also. i can't wait for my kids to get old enough so i can slave them to such jobs. :D

  20. I actually threw away all my yearbooks except my senior yearbook. High school wasn't a thrilling time for me!

  21. love the granny panties & pretending your on your period! that cracks me up.

  22. What have you done with my Amber??? I, luckily, can't mow the lawn unless I want to have such an allergy attack I'd probably end up in the hospital! LOL... but ...ah... GOOD FOR YOU!!!


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