Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Polite Phase is Over

Okay, so when Tom and I were first reunited after being apart for a little over two months we were in a polite phase. I mean, Tom even was holding the car doors for me and that rarely happens! He startled me when he first did it. I went to open the door and he shrieked, "STOP!" and I thought there was a bug or a freaky Texas animal near me so I started bouncing up and down in shock.

"I'm just opening the door for you," Tom said calmly, craning around my convulsing body and pulling open the door.

Oh.

See, Tom and I were able to have an overnight date while my parents watched the kids. We were extra polite then as well.

"Where do you want to eat?" I asked in a businesslike voice.

"Wherever you want." Tom's voice echoed my tone.

Normally I'd be all, "I have a hankering for beans so let's go to Taco Bell."

Or Tom would say, "I want Wendys."

We danced around figuring out what we wanted to eat. In the end we decided on The Rainforest Cafe which is in downtown Texas. His Mom actually came in that day. Her original plan was to watch Tom graduate but then they moved up his graduation so she never made it for that. But she still wanted to see him and see the grandchildren.

Tom startled me again when he pulled out my chair at the restaurant. I thought he was going to sit down in the seat that I was about to settle down in so I moved over and he went, "No. I'm pulling this out for you."

I even got Tom to watch The Proposal which would have NEVER happened had we not been apart. Usually he makes fun of chick flicks and makes barfing noises if I mention one. But that night he went, "Yeah, I'll see it."

I bought our tickets before he could change his mind.

It was a good movie. Tom even laughed. I tried to convince him to watch My Sister's Keeper next but he bluntly told me not to press my luck.

Then we went back to his room and I wanted to shower. I needed to shave my legs because they were starting to get prickly. I stepped in the shower and I pulled out my razor and cream and...

...Tom walked in and plopped on the toilet and stared.

Um.

"Hi," I said brightly even though I really wanted to ask him what in God's name he was doing perched on the pot watching me.

"Hi," he replied.

There was a silence. I stood there as the water dripped off of me. One leg was covered with the cream and my hand had been poised over it with the shaver ready to go.

"I need to shave," I explained even though it was obvious what I was about to do.

"Go ahead." Tom made a motion for me to continue with his hand. "I just wanted to watch."

Erm.

"I'm just shaving. Nothing fancy," I said. Please leave...please don't watch me shave!

"That's okay," Tom said calmly.

So I cleared my throat and figured I ought to try and look sexy while shaving. Normally I quickly run the shaver across my legs but that's not attractive. I tried to think back to the countless movies that I watched where the female character shaved in a sexy fashion in front of a guy. Surely there was a movie where that happened? But nothing appeared in my mind. All I kept thinking was, "My husband is watching me get rid of my leg hair."

But...surely I could look sexy. It couldn't be THAT hard. So I fluttered my eyelashes at Tom and tried to re-position my leg in a sexier fashion. Then I started to shave slowly as I batted my eyelashes at my husband who was starting to look a little bewildered. Then his expression turned to disgusted. What? What did I do? Was I not being sexy?

"I think you're bleeding," Tom pointed out and gestured to my ankle that now was dripping with blood.

Crap!

I've been shaving for more than ten years and I STILL manage to cut myself.

"Oh!" I said and pushed my leg under the water. I winced as it stung but I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal that I had totally mutilated myself while trying to be sexy.

"You okay?" Tom still looked horrified. His nose was wrinkled but his mouth was still curved upwards with a forced smile.

"I'm...great!" I lied even though my cut hurt a little bit.

"You know...maybe I'll wait out there for you," Tom said and rushed from the bathroom.

I think he was worried that I'd gash open my other leg.

I didn't thank goodness.

When I was finished Tom and I had our moment and then we went to bed.

Fast forward a few days.

To Monday, when we went to Sea World. Before that we were still holding an overly polite facade.

But then on Monday my patience was wearing thin because I was rushing around trying to get the kids ready and Tom was just sitting on the couch watching Spongebob.

I practically ran past him as I struggled to get Natalie in her ultra adorable dress with the matching sandals and hair pretties.

"Will you be ready to leave in ten minutes?" Tom asked, his eyes still on the television screen. Spongebob was apparently having issues with tying his shoe.

"I'm not sure," I said in a strained voice. I was still clad in my pajamas with my hair sticking out all over the place on top of my head.

"I hope so," Tom said calmly. Then he stood up and I thought he might ask if I needed help but instead he strolled in the bathroom.

Five minutes went by and I realized he was having a PIP (Poop in Peace) and anger started bubbling in my stomach. Why does HE get a PIP when I'm trying to get everything ready at once? So before I knew what was happening I marched to the bathroom door and banged on it.

"If you think you're having a PIP while I get these children ready on my own then you have another thing coming. Plus, I have to get into that bathroom to do my hair and now it's going to smell like something DIED in there!" I yelled.

Tom emerged about a minute later. He tossed me a dirty look as he wordlessly handed Tommy his shoes.

"I don't know why YOU'RE upset," I fumed as I dug in my purse and made sure that I had my wallet.

"Oh, I don't know," Tom said, his voice thin. "Maybe because my WIFE is being extremely rude."

"I'm being rude?" I replied indignantly. "I'm trying to get everyone ready and you're just SITTING there not asking if I needed help--"

"If you need help then ASK for it!" Tom boomed.

So yeah. Polite phase was OVER. And Tom didn't open the door for me when we left either.

We had another mini fight on the way to Sea World because Tom didn't know exactly where to go.

"Do I get off on this exit?" Tom asked me.

"I don't know," I answered.

"How can you NOT know?" he wondered, his hands gripping the wheel.

"Erm..because I DON'T know. I asked you if you knew where to go before we left and you said yes. If you had said no then I'd have looked it up but you SAID--" I started.

"Nevermind. I'll figure it out by myself," Tom said angrily.

SeaWorld was fun at least. We eventually made it there. We got in free because Tom is in the military--FYI, all military members get in free and can get up to 4 extra tickets free.

Tom and I were too afraid to ride the Steel Eel which is this giant roller coaster that didn't look safe to me.

But Tommy, Tommy wanted to go on it. Thankfully Tom's cousin is also visiting so she offered to take him.

I'm a total wimp when it comes to rides. Plus I have ride tourettes which means I curse when I'm on the fast ones. Seriously. I'm all "Oh f--- I'm going to DIE, oh s--- this ride doesn't look SAFE!" I don't even MEAN to say it, it just comes out.

I thought Tommy might be afraid.

But no.

He strolled off the ride as if it were nothing and then shrieked, "That was AWESOME!"

My seven-year-old is braver than I am.

I have pictures but those will have to wait until I get home next Thursday.

I hope everyone is doing well. I may not be able to reply to the notes but I am reading them all!

Tomorrow we're going to a giant mall. *Dances* I'm thrilled that we'll be in an air conditioned building...

29 comments:

  1. The honeymoon is over, huh? I would have a problem if my husband wanted to watch me shave, too.

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  2. ahh...the grace period has ended! are you going to riverwalk?! so jealous...i love that mall...it has a gondola!

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  3. Not having A/C all ways makes things more on edge. Hope the rest of the trip goes good.

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  4. When I was pregnant I couldn't reach the bottoms of my legs. MY Tom got all nudge nudge wink wink and offered to shave them for me. He thought it would be hot. About as hot as sex on the beach. Some things are just better in theory...

    Ride tourettes - that's awesome...

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  5. The polite phase ends quickly doesn't it? Back to real life... oh well, at least you had a few days of bliss! :)

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  6. Oh, the honeymoon is over, isn't it?

    Glad you had a good time at Sea World.

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  7. All good things must end. Who needs your chair pulled out anyway? I'd take help with the kids any day of the week.

    Can't wait to read all about your happy dance over your visit to the mall.

    -Francesca

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  8. Damn, girl, I'm missing you :)

    Been offline for MONTHS okay days and still not on, can't comment, can't even do blogs myself...nothin' girl, nothin'. But I'm reading you...and laughing...love to Tom mwah mwah...

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  9. It's a good thing you married Tom. He is such good blog inspiration! Sometimes it's nice for that "phase" to be over. It's good being normal again.

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  10. I am totally stealing the PIP term. I've never heard it before but I like it. Of course I BARELY "P" in the first place so doing so in peace really isnt an issue. Plus my kids are 15 and 19. They don't give a shit (pun INTENDED) if I PIP or not!!

    Hallie

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  11. is Tom coming home with you next Thursday?

    You're hilarious. bleeding while you're trying to be sexy, hehehehe sorry that had to happen.

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  12. Ride Tourettes? Love that! In addition to PIP I also want SIP (Shave in Peace).

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  13. Men sure know how to muddle up things nicely when its going good.

    Thanks for the tip on Sea World, that is AWESOME!!!!

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  14. The shaving thing, ok that is funny.
    Dont ever forget to tell him exactly what you want, this way there is not confusion about what he needs to be doing.
    And if you need time to get ready then give him one kid and say, your turn, I gotta get myself ready now.
    be sure to love on him when he does something you like or correctly.
    dont worry there will be nice momments ahead. Reality is reality.
    Cheers
    Brittany
    http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com

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  15. you guys are just too funny and SO normal!

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  16. What? Tom can't read your mind? He should be able to telepathically know you need help. :) Guys are able to ask for help much easier than women. They don't understand just jumping in and helping. . . . and sometimes if they do jump in they do it all wrong and botch it up. He is one that needs to know what direction his bride want's him to go.

    I keep hearing you are tired. . .I that whole spa thing is a great idea.

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  17. That's so cute though. It's like ya'll got to date again!

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  18. Unfortunately, it sounds like all men are alike! They won't offer to help unless they are asked to help. They don't "see" the need, or the dirty clothes, dishes, etc. They must walk around with invisible blinders on. It is true that they are from Mars and women are from Venus.

    And the whole bathroom issue? LOL! I thought only my husband and I go through that "smelly" issue! I yell at him if he doesn't put the fan on when he goes in there to PIP and then spray a nice "I've-pooped-but-you-can't-tell-over-this-nice-fresh-smelling-fragrance".

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  19. WOW! Now you two sound EXACTLY like my hubs and me!

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  20. OMG, my b/f does the same thing! I'm starting to think me have some flaw in their brains that makes them unaware and inconsiderate when it comes to helping us ladies out. Good thing they are cute or we wouldn't keep them around!!

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  21. But, but, but.... it was SPONGEBOB!!!!!

    :)

    Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

    Didn't the movie "Pretty Woman" have a bathtub scene?

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  22. Tbe sexy shaving attempt was priceless. And I'm never away from my husband long enough to have a polite phase. .. it sounds kind of nice.

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  23. haha!! my hubs like his "space" and doesn't get it when i encroach.... but I'm glad you have Tom because he is damn good bloggable material!

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  24. Last time I was on a rollercoaster and it was hovering for SEVERAL seconds while I was facing down and parallel with the ground, I yelled, "I'm too old for this crap!!!" I felt much better when I heard someone shout back, "So am I!"

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  25. I don't think my husband ever had a polite phase!

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  26. I will never be able to shave with a guy watching me. Never ever ever!
    But god you made me laugh.

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  27. I love the way you write it's so funny! I can't wait to see The Proposal x

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  28. I've never heard the phrase 'PIP' but I love it.

    And why do guys not pick up on our social cues and body movements? Why do we have to flat out say "YES I NEED YOUR HELP RIGHT THIS MINUTE I NEED YOU TO GET THAT BRUSH ON TOP OF THE TV AND BRUSH YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAIR"

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