Monday, August 24, 2009

The Air Force is Trying to Freeze Us

When Tom first told me we were moving to Montana, I didn’t take the news well. I had been keeping my fingers crossed for a base in Texas or Ohio so we could be near family. I wouldn’t have objected to Florida or anyplace warm, really.

“Is the Air Force trying to freeze us to death or something? What’s with all these cold bases?” I had fumed.

This is where we’ve been so far:

Nebraska (cold)
England (cold and bloody overcast half the time)
Wyoming (cold and windy)
Montana (COLD!)

Are you noticing a pattern? Because I certainly am. What does the Air Force have against sending us to a place where we can wear short sleeved shirts all year long?

Whenever Tom tells someone where we’re moving to they always toss us sympathetic looks. One guy even sucked in his breath sharply and went, “That sucks.” Malmstrom, the base we’re going to, is known for being small with nothing much to do.

Oh, I suppose there is plenty to do if you like to be outdoors.

Which I do not.

There is fishing, which I suppose I could try. But then my mind with inevitably wander and I’ll be like, “Lalala, is this fish ever going to bite and why oh why doesn’t Malmstrom have a Kohls around it?” I’m still in disbelief over that one. I’m not going to even go into the fact that there is no Gymboree or Toys R Us because it’ll just upset me all over again.

Tom reminds me that I can shop online but his Man Mind doesn’t understand that actually shopping in a store is part of the fun. He doesn’t get the thrill of pushing through clothes on a rack and getting to walk out with a bag of new purchases.

People camp in Montana because the scenery is beautiful. I don’t really mind camping but it’s just not my favorite thing to do. I’m petrified of bugs and bugs come with camping. Just the other day this grasshopper leaped up and bounced off my cheek and I started to screech, “The fucker tried to attack me!” while wiping my face off frantically as though it left behind a trail of piss. If I react like that to a GRASSHOPPER, imagine how I’ll behave if we come across a bear.

My patience is thin lately because moving stresses me out. I constantly worry that the movers will steal something—really, I could care less if they steal something of mine but suppose they take Natalie’s Gymboree clothes? Or all those toys I bought from the Target toy sale for Christmas? What if they take some of the Christmas decorations that I’ve been working so hard to build up? Suppose they break our furniture? I’ve been chewing my nails more often than usual which I know is a disgusting habit but I can’t help it. My fingers inevitably end up in my mouth as soon as I think about moving to a place I don’t even want to go.

Tom has been bothering me. He plays this computer game (Company of Heroes) online and he wears these headphones that he can talk into so he can communicate with the other players. I’ll be sitting on the couch, which is less than five feet away from the computer and I’ll have to hear him go, “We’re screwed…we’re screwed!” every few seconds. Then it’ll be silent again and Tom will suddenly yell, “There’s a sniper, there’s a sniper!” and nearly make me jump out of my skin.

Yesterday I had enough. I went over, lifted up one of his earpieces and said sweetly into his ear, “You’re bugging the crap out of me.”

Then we went to Wal-Mart and Tom practically went into convulsions when he saw the movie Patton.

“This is the best movie ever, I’m going to get it, it is such a great movie, things blow up, blah blah blah…”

“Fine, get it,” I said blankly. I suppose my voice set Tom off because he went, “Fine, I won’t get it,” and I went, “I SAID get it!” Then Tom grabbed the DVD and said, “Well, I do deserve it since I let you get that vest.”

“The vest wasn’t for me, Tom,” I sighed.

It was this vest:

For Natalie.

And can you BLAME me? Is that not the cutest vest ever?

On the way home Tom suddenly said, “Oh, do we have Miracle Whip for my sandwiches at work tomorrow?” He had just bought some lunch meat and cheese at Wal-Mart.

“I don’t know. We have mayo for sure,” I replied.

Tom made a face. “Mayo. Gross! I only can have Miracle Whip or forget the sandwiches.”

Sometimes married to the Pickiest Man Ever wears on a person’s patience. Especially if said person’s patience is already stretched thin.

“Just use the mayo, Tom,” I said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t like mayo,” Tom pouted.

I threw my hands up in the air. “Well I don’t like the fact that we’re going to Montana but I have to deal with it, don’t I?”

That shut Tom up. He mashed his lips together in a tight line and drove home with his fists clenched against the wheel.

When we got home he asked, “Are you going to be like this until we move in November?”

“Probably,” I answered. “Do you have a problem with that?”

Then a few minutes later I felt guilty and apologized.

“I’m still getting used to the idea of Montana and I’m worried the movers will SOS,” I explained.

Tom raised an eyebrow. “SOS?” he questioned.

“Steal our stuff. It’s my code. So when the movers come I’ll say, “Tom, watch the movers so they don’t SOS,” and they won’t know what I’m talking about. Because if they hear me talking about being paranoid about them taking our stuff they’ll probably do it out of spite,” I said with a sharp nod.

Tom still looked confused. “You’re a strange one, Amber. But I like that you’re not snapping at me now so I’ll just let it go..."


  1. My husband is the exact same way with mayo and Miracle Whip.

    Except he won't eat mayo, but when I tell him I won't eat MR, he tells me they are the same thing.

  2. that vest IS adorable!! nice buy!! and the code word....nice!! that's some strategic thinking right there!

  3. Cute vest! Don't use SOS because the first thing I thought when I saw it was "Steal Our Shit". Let's all put our minds together and see what we can come up with.

  4. Hello! I can't remember how I was linked over her but here I am and after reading your last few posts I hope you don't mind as I tag along for the ride! Really enjoy your writing style and your stories, you make me laugh and also strike fear into my heart at what I have to come as my Son gets older :) It's a good combination.


  5. i love that vest. why is he so bitter about it - it's not like you make him wear it! maybe you should find one in his size..

    p.s. mayo is way better than miracle whip anyways!

  6. My husband is a picky eater, too. His big thing is ranch. He eats it on everything, and it has to be real ranch, not light or fat free. He drives me nuts!

  7. I am so sorry about that fight over Mayo & Miracle Whip.

    The fact is, people KNOW that Miracle Whip is better for some thigs like sandwiches and macaroni salads. Mayo is good for some things like dog poo and gigantic grasshoppers. Oh, and bear claws too, just so you know.

    I like the idea-- find a vest in Tom's size JUST like that!

  8. Ohhh, I love Montana. I grew up in a small town there and I miss the cold. I know, I'm a nut.

    Yet, I do hear you on the movers and feel for you with Tom's game, my poor husband would be getting, "Stop worrying about the sniper on the screen and worry about the one behind you in the house!"

  9. i just want you to know that your blog kept me from losing it in the wee hours of the morning. when I still hadn't had ANY sleep because some little sadist thinks I should suffer along with him as teeth try to come in. I'm certain he'll be biting the dentist when the time comes.

  10. I don't do well with moves either. I've never been to Montana either. Hopefully you'll get your wish of being something where you can wear short-sleeves year round.

    And that is a cute vest.

  11. Oh because YOU got the vest...did he think it was for you? LOL!

  12. I hate to say it, but all the missle bases are in places that get cold. They were built so the missle goes over the pole to Russia.

    So maybe if you write to Obama and convince him the newest unspeakable threat to America is in.. say Brazil or Argentina, they will build a base in the south somewhere... somewhere nice and warm. Someplace too warm to wear a vest.

  13. Wow I didn't realize you are so tiny you wear children's clothes! You better fatten up or you will freeze in Montana!

  14. Montana has ranches...and horses!!! Pretty horses!

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  16. OMG that was funny...about the whole mayo thing that is so me and my other half....and the movie thing as well...he will ask for something like a kid does....ill say whatever and he will stomp off...i said it get put it in the cart...then i go hunt it down and stick it in funny....that sucks about Montana tho!!!

  17. Miracle Whip is better....I'm just saying

    Sorry about the SOS paranoid sitcoms you are having...I'm sure it will all go smoothly...but yes pleaes come up with another acronym

  18. Miracle Whip???

    Let's hope they don't sell THAT in Montana!

  19. Just do a dity move for less worrying about stealing ;). JK We are for the first time EVER packing everything ourselves for a big move. It is crazy, professional packing services are definitely a huge perk to the military life.

  20. I didn't know what Miracle Whip was, so I googled it. Amazing the things you can put in a sandwich these days.

    The headphones thing reminds me of the guys you see on Bluetooth headsets, gesticulating and talking to themselves like escaped lunatics as they wander down the street scaring people.

  21. I'm warning you ahead of time, I'm probably not your favorite person today (winks). Me? I would love Montana, but then again I'm an outdoorsy woman. And I vote Miracle Whip any day (mainly because I can eat that and get sick on mayo).

    I'm going, I'm going (ducking various items Amber is throwing).
    Oh and I figured out SOS off the bat too, might want another code word. (Hugs)Indigo

  22. I don't care for Miracle Whip but I'm addicted to Duke's Mayonnaise

  23. Ugh, Montana. I am praying that my husband gets accepted to a school somewhere WARM!

    My husband plays the xbox with that stupid head set too! I feel for ya there.

    As far as mayo, I agree with Tom Miracle Whip is way better!

  24. We don't have a cleaning lady due to SOS issues!! Some folks can have such sticky fingers. I would keep an eye on them too.

  25. The vest is very cute! Miracle whip? Yuck! At least they aren't sending you to Alaska! I know some Air Force folks who were stationed there for a while.

  26. What exactly *is* the difference between mayo and Miracle Whip?

    Moving is always awful, but think of it this way: You could have gotten Alaska. Wouldn't that be worse???

  27. Cuuu-uuute vest!!!

    I know this post is about serious stuff (the moving to Montana...I feel for you...) but you still manage to post it in such an entertaining way! I can't wait till you have a book published!!!

  28. I really wish I could say, 'dang that sucks!' but I can't because I would MUCH rather be stationed in Montana then 29 palms (google it, there's NOTHING but hair places, liquor stores, churches, and Marines... I kid you not). The closes wal-mart is 35 miles away and every other store worth a crap is an hour drive atleast. :( oh, and online shopping is nice too. You'll start to get excited when packages start coming in the mail :)

  29. that is totally sucky that you have to move. I hate moving.

    But that vest is CUTE!

  30. If I ever had movers move me, I'd be worried too. I like the SOS code.

    How long are you usually stationed at a particular location?

    I dont' do cold well, so I totally empathize with you.

    And that vest? I'm sure it'll come in handy and maybe your daughter will share. :)

  31. Ya gotta post a photo of your daughter wearing the cute owl vest!

    My hub (a.k.a. Center of the Universe-- which explains the 'hub' name) adores tuna salad. Adores chicken salad. But guess what? Put tuna on a big, lovely plate of greens, with cucumber, diced peppers and tomatoes, and it goes directly into the disposal!!! Such a waste and a lunacy! Where's the consistency? I'm only asking for logic...

    Yours with the mayo/Miracle Whip issue is right up there with mine-- get over yourself. You know if he'd been served that tuna on a beautiful salad at the boss's house he would have cleaned his plate and praised it to the heavens... Men...

  32. P.S. Maybe Montana will be gorgeous and you'll make a fabulous new best friend. And I hope the movers don't SYS.

  33. Love the code word... they'll have no idea what you're talking about! Sorry about the move, I hope it all works out for you.

  34. Oh Montana! Of all the places you named I've only ever been to England and I cried. Seriously wet, wet wet.

    We are waiting to hear how it turns out and I hope you will be pleasantly surprised.

  35. Like the code word. I've never had movers steal anything but they do break stuff!

  36. Very cute vest. Your code word is much better than one of my old bosses code words if he thought someone was stealing. We would have to say,
    "are you going on vacation to KALAMAZOO?"
    pretty sly. And I think it might be cold there too.

  37. I don't like the cold, so I feel for you. Maybe you can put in a request to somewhere super HOT next time to make up for all of the cold places you've been! LOL

  38. I hate moving even when I'm looking forward to the new place. I feel ya.

    And online shopping as a replacement for 'real' shopping? Child, please.

  39. Let me just say this. If the movers are going to "SOS", it certainly wouldn't be Natalie's Gymboree clothes or even toys. Now flat screen TV's? Maybe. But seriously, movers wouldn't steal things or they wouldn't be in business, right? Now broken furniture? That's another story. :)

    I'm sure Montana will be fine. It is a beautiful state. And if there's nothing to do? You can finish your novel. Right?

  40. so funny... like you i tend to be a bit on the paranoid side... cant help it! love you home here on the web... hope you don't mind another new follower... think i'll hang around a bit and i cant wait to read more!!

  41. That vest is DARLING!! I've never had to move with the AF yet, but I can only imagine how stressful it will be. Especially if you're moving somewhere you don't want to go. I hope they send you somewhere warm for a long, long time after this base. You deserve it.

  42. That vest is too cute! I love little girl clothes.

    And Montana? Where eactly is the base? My hubby was born and raised in Billings and it might not be as bad as all that. Outside of Billings and I might give you a different answer.

  43. M-Whip is just YUCK! It reminds me of trips to the midwest to visit my grandparents.. sammies always had M-Whip and butter on them (yes that is my arteries screaming in the background!).

    Don't ya just LOVE the military "wish list"? Hey put down three places you'd like to transfer to and we'll make sure you end up NO WHERE NEAR THERE!

    Glad to be following you ya Moxie Momma you;0}

  44. dont demi and ashton live there somewhere? you see where my mind is.. work... nope i couldnt work there, sorry i cant be your neighbor anytime soon. and this the first ive heard about your move, because of my hiatus so my comment is...

    "that sucks"

  45. Wow, you guys are like my husband and I, well, except you are much younger and thinner. BAHAHAHAHAHHA I'm 49, he's 47 and our kids are 9, 15 and 16. We've had so many of these same conversationsk:) See, you are not alone. I'm annoyed most of the time:)


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