Monday, September 21, 2009

Natalie is Part Animal

“Your daughter is part animal,” I informed my husband Tom. I had rushed upstairs and found him emerging from the bathroom because he had just enjoyed a leisurely PIP (poop in peace.) I suppose I should at least be grateful that he had done it upstairs so we wouldn’t have to smell the wafts of his creation downstairs. Of course it would be nice if I could enjoy a PIP but whatever, beggars can’t be choosers right?

“Huh?” Tom replied, scratching the side of his head. I really hoped that he washed his hands when he was finished using the bathroom. I read in a magazine that 86% of men admit to not washing their hands after using the toilet. I find this disgusting. Do they not realize that URINE can transfer to their fingers? And thus, if they touch other people or FURNITURE in the house that said urine will get on that? This is why I try not to think about it.

“Your daughter is part animal,” I repeated. “Do you know what she did? I was on the computer writing my novel and all of a sudden I heard this dripping sound. I assumed she was dumping out her sippy cup again and I swirled around and was in the middle of asking her to stop it when I saw her standing over a VENT and PISSING INTO IT!”

Tom started to chuckle.

“It’s not FUNNY!” I shrieked. How could he be laughing? Did he not hear me when I said that his daughter peed into a vent like a common vagrant? How could that not bother him?

Tom quickly wiped the smile from his face for fear of my wrath. “Well,” he said, struggling hard not to laugh. “Why did you take her diaper off?”

I threw my hands up in frustration. “I didn’t! The little minx took it off herself! You know she’s been stripping these days. Which is another issue: should we be concerned? Is she starting to practice early for a future job as an exotic dancer?”

Tom smirked. “I doubt that.”

“So anyhow, you get to clean the pee up,” I added casually, heading downstairs.

Tom was at my heels in an instant. “What?”

“You get to clean the pee up,” I said again. “You got to enjoy a PIP, thus you get to deal with the pee.”

Tom seemed genuinely confused. “That doesn’t seem fair…”

I got to the bottom step and whirled around. Tom nearly collided into me. “Jesus! Don’t just stop like that,” he complained.

“Tom, it’s only fair that you take care of the mess,” I said sweetly. I went into the kitchen and picked up some paper towels and the carpet cleaner.

“But..But..” Tom sputtered as I placed the towels in his baffled hand.

I pointed out the vent that Natalie had mistaken for her potty. Maybe she needs glasses?

“I peed,” Natalie told us grandly as we entered the room. She was sitting naked in the living room, coloring a picture.

“Natalie peed in the vent!” Tommy tattled.

“Make sure you get all the pee. I’m not sure if the liquid will like, cause the house to blow up when the furnace kicks on,” I told Tom. Obviously I’ve been watching too many action movies. It’s not my fault. Tom always puts on True Lies whenever he sees it on cable.

“This is so gross. Ew, there’s pee surrounding the vent too!” Tom whined. “Natalie, sweets, what were you doing, writing out a signal?”

Natalie looked up and grinned. “I peed!”

“Maybe she was trying to spell out her name,” I said jokingly.

Tom was not amused. “Oh, laugh it up.” He made a face as he started dabbing the pee with the paper towel. “This is so gross. It’s still WARM!”

Please. How can he find that disgusting? If he wants disgusting, he should try cleaning a diaper where the poo has gone up the back. THAT’S disgusting because you’re not quite sure where to start when that occurs. But sopping up some pee? That’s nothing.

Tom opened the vent and stuck his hand down to scrub off the liquid. “When I pictured myself as adult, I never pictured doing this,” he fumed as he struggled to wipe up everything.

“Welcome to my world!” I said sweetly. When I pictured myself as an adult, I never thought I’d utter phrases like, “Penises belong in your pants,” (spoken to both my son and husband, I’m sad to admit..) and “We don’t suck on rocks.”

Children definitely bring plenty of surprises, that’s for sure.

But I don’t mind.

It gives me something to write about, after all.


  1. Oh no she di'nt! Oh my god that is hilarious! If only you had a video camera on hand!

  2. LMAO! this is so funny! I have to tell you, I love reading your blogs! During the day at work when I'm feeling annoyed or anything, they always are so well written and always make me laugh:) thanks!!

  3. Oh my stars, you've got me rolling!! Love the PIP... my husband doesn't see my rant about that, at all!!!

    Your blog is too cute. I'm visiting from SITS, and I'll be checking back in more often!! :)

  4. GOOD FOR YOU! you got Tom to clean that up!!!

  5. "he should try cleaning a diaper where the poo has gone up the back"..... and that! in one measly sentence is why i have no kids yet! i can't even look at my own poop... much less that!!! YIKES!!!!!

  6. I really think she might be related to one of my cats. By the way, did she pee in one of my vents? You know, the one in the bathroom? My cat was smelling it something fierce this morning...

  7. Welcome to the world of children. Right? I have uttered many phrases I never thought I would say. Now my daughter is saying them. Seeing a press on tattoo on her 6 yr old son's butt after a bath, she interegated him enough to find out his 8 yr old brother had put it there. So she asked him "Do you have a tatto on your butt too?" He indignantly answered, "Not any more."

  8. At least she wasn't dancing.

    I babysat my cousins a year or two ago and the youngest one (she's now 4 years old) was standing in the middle of the bathroom peeing and dancing and having a grand old time. Silly little girl.

  9. Yes. Yes. My son, 6, insists that we all want to "lookatTHISpenis"
    Sadly, no.
    And I totally suck on rocks...

  10. Oh boo-hoo, so he had to clean up a little pee. Men!

    I can't believe some of the things I say to my daughter. Tonight she kept bugging me for dinner while I was trying to read the blogs I follow (doesn't she know this is important? haha!) and I said "If you don't stop bugging me you won't get ANY dinner!" and she said "EVER?!". >sigh< Sign me up for the bad mommy award. LOL

  11. I must admit . . . I've only ever changed one poopy diaper . . . I don't know how ya'll do it without blowing chunks. It was so freakin' sick looking and smelling!

  12. I think that sent my OCD into overdrive....:)

  13. Who knows what are on the minds of those little people! Here's the silver lining - is she ready for potty training?

    My daughter's husband can't change poopy diapers without dry heaving into the sink. He has a pretty queasy stomach. So whenever he's home along with the baby, we always hope that she doesn't poop!

  14. It definitely gives you something to write about, doesn't it? Crack me up!

  15. All I can say is: Poor Tom! HAH.

    (and thanks for making me laugh!)

  16. At what point do you hope she'll be toilet-trained? Is giving Tom the nasty job a way of enlisting help in the training endeavor?


  17. My kids have done some interesting things to our vents but peeing in them, that is a first.

  18. Peeing in the vent? That is so funny!

  19. Gotta love the up the back poop. I start with the back. Ah ha

  20. Ya gotta wonder what the heck she was thinking to choose that particular spot! But I LOVE that you made hubby clean it up!!!

  21. I say if she's stripping, get her a pole and teach her a trade. There's money to be made out there. OMG, I can't even believe I just wrote that-- I am SO horrified at the general exploitation of women and girls... what got into me?

  22. Your lucky your husband actually cleaned it up. I'm not sure that mine would have. :)

  23. I hear ya sistah! I spent yesterday steam cleaning my carpets because my two year old thinks it's funny to mark her territory. She just looks at me, smiles sweetly and runs off to pee somewhere else. Yesterday she coloured herself in first so that there were little colourful puddles all over the house.

    Pee in the toilet you freak!!!!!!!

  24. According to my mother, I peed in potted plants.

    I'm so glad you're not moving!

  25. Really great. Tell your husband she got it from his genetics.

  26. ha, no way!! i can't believe she did that!!
    so very nice that you didn't have to clean it up :)

  27. That was funny. I say put a potty chair on top of that vent!

  28. oh that natalie, she keep me on my toes, thank goodness she's not in my house with my niece who has a way of marking her territory every time she comes over.... its just wrong.. bet they'd have a great play date.

  29. In the VENT for Pete's sake!

    I never pictured myself as an adult doing a LOT of things that I regularly do. Welcome to my world indeed.

  30. Wow! I never would have imagined a kid peeing in the vent! I'm going to keep a close eye on my little one...I don't want any of that around here!

    Funny post. Stopping by from SITS.

  31. I have to say, congratulations to your husband for actually cleaning it up. I work on the basis that the problem belongs to the person who noticed it first!

  32. haha! sounds like she's ready to potty train mom, awesome. I can't wait, my guy is being very resistant. He'll say he'll use the potty but then he just sits there, or worse, will thrash on the floor and throw a fit *sigh*
    'we don't suck on rocks'... love it.

  33. Yes, too bad you didn't have a video camera in hand - especially one for your husband cleaning up her mess! LOL And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that you made HIM clean it up - TOO PERFECT! Mom's always get the shortest stick and have to be the one to "clean" up their babies crap! HA! Good for you! :o)

  34. My daughter pees outside. It is taking some explaining that she can't pee like brother. But she is getting it and squats. I'll take what I can get.

    Cute story! and your husband totally deserved cleaning it up. PIP indeed.

  35. Wow! Something terrible that my kids have not yet discovered that they can do to me! I'll take peeing in the vent over Emmy pooping on top of her pile of gymbo and J&J waiting to be hung up in her closet any day... *shudders* Seriously, though, you read my mind. I've been making a list of all the things I've said to my kids I NEVER imagined coming out of my mouth, like "No son, if you cut her hair off, you won't turn your sister into a boy..."

  36. What a little turkey!!

    I can't believe she did that, and yet after four of my own? Somehow I can!

  37. Yes. I've actually said, "Stop wrapping your penis around your fork." His FORK!!! Ugh!

    And I also had an issue with Colin taking a dump in his little kitchen set. Which I promptly threw away because, I'm sorry, I have limits as to what I WILL and will NOT clean up. So I can totally identify!

  38. My son used a plant in the dining room as his potty for an entire two years. We JUST found out recently and he still thinks it's hilarious. Gotta love 'em!

  39. That's pretty funny. I'm glad you made him clean it up. Can't wait for my kid to start doing that stuff (said sarcastically).


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