I love yard sales.
So I was thrilled to go to the base wide yard sales on Saturday. Basically a bunch of families were going to be selling stuff at once. And I love to shop (cheaply) so I was excited to go out.
Normally I feel sluggish on Saturday mornings. But that day I was alert and ready to go. I guzzled down some Diet Coke for Caffeine Power and checked to make sure I had money in my wallet. I was on the prowl for outdoor toys, more specifically, one of those plastic outdoor houses.
“Remember to sit,” I instructed to Natalie, as I pulled the wagon out. I had nightmares of her leaping from the wagon and running down the street with her hands waving in the air. “Bye!” she’d scream. “Bye bye!” I seriously wouldn’t put it past her. Why didn’t my wagon come with (tight) seat belts?
So we started walking down the street. I expected to see tons of yard sales set up. But there was nothing. Huh? Did the people not get the memo? It was the BASE WIDE YARD SALE! Granted, I wasn’t having a yard sale either but still. In the distance I saw some items scattered in a driveway. Yes! Yes! But as got closer, I saw that the woman was just setting up. Er. Did she not realize that the thing started at 8? Look, I hate waking up early as much as the next person but she was missing out on potential money. I didn’t want to be Creepy Customer and wait at the end of her driveway so I kept moving.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
WHERE WERE ALL THE YARD SALES?
And why did my legs feel like they were going to break off? Ugh, I really need to exercise more.
“There’s one!” Tommy announced and pointed.
He was right! A yard sale. And actual yard sale! With new adrenaline coursing through my veins, I rushed over. I mean, you have to hurry at these things. Because you never know if another customer will grab the one thing you wanted. People can be quite competitive at yard sales. Or maybe it’s just me. I eye my competition up and down silently thinking, “Don’t take what I want, don’t take what I want.”
This yard sale had some books set up. I LOVE cheap books. I immediately started to dig in.
“Mommy?” I had parked the wagon beside me and Natalie was climbing out. Flashes of her running down the street popped into my mind so I had to stop searching the books.
“Natalie, let’s sit. Look, I packed you some Dora snacks,” I pulled a bag from my purse and handed them over.
“I don’t YIKE da Dora snacks. I want to get out and LOOK!” Natalie said, throwing the Dora snacks down.
So I had to paw through the books while watching her. She was really killing my Yard Sale Buzz.
Another woman sidled up beside me to peek at the books and I was all, “ACK competition!” so I hurried through. I pulled out a hardback Olivia book—that cartoon is really annoying but Natalie likes it. Whenever I see it I immediately crave bacon since Olivia is a pig.
My competition found a Nicholas Sparks book. Hey! I wanted that! I wanted—wait, never mind, I already had it.
Then I found the latest Jodi Picoult book and grabbed that. The woman tisked and went, “Oh, great find, I’ll take it if you don’t want it.”
Um. I want it, lady.
I smiled and went, “I’m buying it. Have a fabulous day.”
And the best part was I only paid twenty five cents for it. TWENTY FIVE cents for the latest Jodi Picoult that is still eighteen bucks in stores.
I managed to get Natalie back in the wagon (only had to bribe her with my cell phone plus my Tic Tacs) and found another yard sale. Yay! This one didn’t have much. I just found a few chapter books for Tommy.
Where was all the outdoor stuff?
I walked and walked and walked. The yard sales were few and far between.
Then I found another one. I cupped my hand over my eyes so I could make sure I was really seeing a yard sale. Maybe it was a mirage. After all it was nearly seventy degrees and my poor used to cold weather body was in shock. It was all, wow, it’s really HOT now. I mean, we just had snow a few weeks ago for craps sake. Plus I’m allergic to exercise so I was in pain. Sweat was dripping off my forehead. Yuck.
“Tommy…” I gasped. “Is that another yard sale?”
Tommy stood on his tip toes. “Yup.”
So I grasped the wagon and chugged on. When I got to the yard sale I must’ve looked frightening because the little kid who lived there gasped and asked if I was sick and his father was all, “Can I get you some water?”
I did sound a little scary. I was breathing hard and sort of sounded like a donkey. I kept going, “Eeeeee....awwwwwww.....” that’s just how my breath was coming out. I couldn’t help it.
“I’m....okay,” I told the father. “I just....eeeeeeee....awwww....”
And that’s when I saw it. The plastic outdoor house I had been searching for. Right there in—
“I’ll just load this up now,” another man said, taking my house and loading it into his truck.
What? No! My house! He must’ve JUST bought it.
Then I spotted a play BBQ set and was about to move towards that but my legs were dead and wouldn’t move. They were all, “You’ve abused us today, we’re not budging.” While I was debating doing an Army crawl to it, this woman marched over, stuck her grubby hands on my BBQ set and went, “I’ll take this.”
See? Competitive, I tell ya.
If I had just been in shape I could have gotten the house AND the BBQ set. Hmph.
“Seriously, do you need water?” the father said again. I think he wanted to add, “Please don’t pass out in my yard. I just laid seed down.”
“I’m great, thank you....eeeeee....awwww...” I lied. I wasn’t great though. I was close to climbing into the wagon and asking Tommy if he could pull us home.
“I’m selling candy apples and grape soda. Want some?” the father’s son piped up.
Well. It wasn’t an outdoor plastic house or a play BBQ set. But at that moment a candy apple and a grape soda sounded splendid.
So I forked over some money and happily took my treats.
Maybe I’ll find an outdoor plastic house next year.
I’ll make sure to get myself in shape so then I’ll be in peak performance.
Oh, who am kidding?
Next year I’ll just drive around in my car like the smart people did.