Look, I fall down and spill stuff.
I’m uncoordinated and I admit that.
So it’s no wonder why my husband Tom looked bewildered when I told him I was going to Zumba class.
“Isn’t that like....dancing?” Tom scratched his head. I know he was probably picturing me smacking into a wall the other day and then spilling my water all over the kitchen counter.
“Yup. It’s a good workout,” I said. And Lord knows I need a good workout with the way I eat. I can’t help it though. Junk food tastes so good. I try to get just as excited over a carrot but it doesn’t work.
“Um....okay,” Tom agreed. He was still baffled. He was probably picturing me running straight into a stack of boxes in the garage. I had been talking to Tommy so I was distracted and I took a few steps and them BAM, box in face.
My friend Amanda, who I was going to Zumba with, mentioned that during one point of the class that the teacher asked everyone to do a sexy move.
“A sexy move?” I repeated. I really don’t do sexy well. I try but apparently my idea on what sexy means is different from most men. Like I flutter my eyelashes when I’m trying to be coy and sweet.....sort of like a come hither look....but most men just ask if I have something in my eye or they think I have Tic.
I decided to practice a sexy move for Tom so that I wouldn’t look like a fool in class.
I did this:
“The hell is that?” Tom demanded.
“I’m being sexy!”
“How is that sexy?”
Well. I don’t know. I was going for a sexy Egyptian look or something. And ugh, I certainly don’t LOOK sexy there as Tom insists on taking my pictures while sitting down which just makes my face look fat. Or maybe my face is just fat. But still, can’t he, I don’t know, STAND UP, and take my photo?
When Amanda picked me up I still had no idea what my sexy move would be. We took our spots in the back—yes, the back because the thought of someone standing behind me watching me attempt to do the dance moves made me shudder—and then the teacher walked in. And the teacher, good gracious, was in SHAPE. I mean, obviously she should be since she teaches a class. Her arms were buff, she had ABS—real abs!—and her legs were lean. Not an ounce of fat was on the chick. In other words, she could have definately beat up Tom.
“She probably doesn’t eat processed foods,” I said to Amanda. I would love a body like that but the thing is, I love processed foods.
The teacher just started the class abuptly. She just started moving and I was all, “Holy crap!” Not out loud, but in my head. I quickly tried to keep up but this chick could move. She went left, she went right, she dipped, she spun around, she did lunges…
I could feel my face grow warm. Whenever I work out my face gets bright red. It is not attractive. There were women up front who didn’t even look winded and their faces were a normal shade of color.
It was an hour long class and let me tell you, I felt like I was going to die a few times. And yes, I got lost in a lot of dance moves and almost punched the woman in front of me when I was trying to do an air punch. But in the end I enjoyed it.
And as for my sexy move?
I shook my hips and twirled my hands in front of me. You know when you sing The Wheels On The Bus? and you sing the part, “The wheels on the bus go round and round..” and twirl your hands? Yeah, I did that even though some women shook their butts—and it didn’t look ridiculous as it would have looked had I attempted it—and other woman shook their hips seductively—and I....well, I twirled my hands as though I were singing a children’s song.