Friday, January 28, 2011

Top Ten Things That I'll Never Do

There are some things that I know I’ll never do, in no particular order. I decided to make a top ten list of what those things are. Mind you, I’m not poking fun if these are things that YOU do. I’d still most likely be friends with you. I have friends who actually DO the things on this list. Just remember, these are simply things on MY list.



1. Be on Survivor



It’s just, I like to eat. And not stuff like raw snails or bark. Plus, I’d suck at the games, especially the swimming ones. I only know how to dog paddle so there I’d be, dog paddling to the flag while my teammates screamed, “Amber! GO! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE FUNNY!” and I’d yell back, “I’m not trying to be funny, THIS IS HOW I SWIM!” I’d either get kicked out for that, or my temper. I tend to get cranky when I’m hungry, cold, and have gone without my caffeine so I’d eventually start telling people to “Fu*k off, unless they could find me a Diet Coke.”



2. Consider the man the head of the house



It’s hard for me to take someone seriously when they don’t know how to put their dirty socks in the clothes hamper or are thrilled to hold a can of Booty Sweat. My marriage is completely equal although if I’m being honest, I usually get the final say because Tom says I get mean when I don’t.



3. Become a vegan



It’s great for the people who are (Natalie Portman, for one…) But I need my meat. I like a big slab of steak or a Steak Umm sandwich.



4. Wear a cardigan loosely tied around my neck



Come on. Do I LOOK like the type of woman to wear that? No offense to those that do, but because Hollywood has made people like these snobs in movies or television shows, I immediately think of that when a see a person walking around with a cardigan around their neck.


5. Only purchase organic items



I’ll take the regular stuff. I take the regular cakes like the one pictured, too. I once went to the party where the cake was this organic mess with vegetables somehow hidden in it. No. Just no. Birthdays are for frosting and real cake.


6. Speak another language fluently



I know some French since I took it in high school and the first part of college. Though one time during a test I accidentally wrote the word for shit when I meant the word hat. Imagine my teacher’s surprise when she saw “Je voudrais merde, sil vous plait,” scribbled on my paper.



7. Give up reading



I could never give up my books. I love them too much. Even when my children try to take them away from me, I still press on.



8. Become a Twi-hard



I try not to freak out when a grown adult asks me what team I’m on. I have to bite my tongue from saying, “I’m team I’m 28 so I feel I’m past the age to even have a team.” I can understand being a fan of the series but some people take it way too disturbingly far.


9. Like mushrooms



They are fungus. They are not meant to be liked.


10. Be the serious one in the relationship



I’m too hyper. Tom just goes along with it. In this photo it’s like he’s a wax statue and I’m a tourist being totally inappropriate with it.

59 comments:

  1. I have considered trying to get on Survivor just to kick start my diet. If you last a few weeks you tend to drop a good 20+ pounds. Althogh I would probably just get some exotic form of poison ivy and spend the show with a huge itchy welty rash everywhere.

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  2. I'm still stuck on #2...is that a picture of Tom....SMILING???? He never smiles for pictures, right???

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  3. I could never do Survivor either......cardigan over the shoulder hello ....no way! Thank goodness you are who you are and stay true to it...meat loving frosting eating book worm silly etc...keeps you young smart and cool! Have a wonderful weekend!

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  4. I too, do not want to be on Survivor, mainly because I am a whiner and I would really look pathetic. If we ever get to the point where we must be on reality TV to keep our citizenship, I chose the Apprentice because the whiners on that show usually make it to the end:).

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  5. I'm in 100% agreeance with EVERY SINGLE ONE of these items on the list.
    ESPECIALLY the mushroom thing -- it's fungus: I say the same thing lol

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  6. oh, I could totally do survivor! :)

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  7. Booty Sweat made me giggle, Tom is not alone. And I'm definitely the hyper one in the relationship too. It keeps it spicy.

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  8. ha love the last picture and your wax statue reference. i think wearing a tied cardigan around your neck is like being a yuppie superhero.

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  9. I scored a 90% on the Be Like Amber contest, only because I like mushrooms. Since I totally understand why someone wouldn't, and am myself freaked out when I read about giant underground fungi the size of New Jersey growing in this very country (run! run for your lives!! here comes the megamushroom -- aaaaaaargh!), maybe I could bump up to a 93%? I'm trying to make the Amber Roll this semester.

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  10. There's NO WAY I could go on Survivor. I have nightmares about being forced on the show. Wish I was kidding about that.

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  11. The only one I was 100% on board with was the "let the man be the head of the household" because I like him being the "end all be all" because then when something goes wrong, I can point the finger at him.

    Otherwise - I'm with you on all of them... and to expand #8 - I'm not on ANY team. The TEAM thing has taken over and I hate it. Almost as much as I hate the phrase "Reach out" as in "I reached out to my coworker for ideas on how to brown nose best" ... UGH

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  12. I'm so the one that would be doing the wax figure/tourist thing. Although I'm not the only funny one, I'm the one that would think acting like was funny. I think maybe our guys should loosen up?

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  13. Lovin' this list!! and I agree with you on every single one. Vegan is definitely not an option in my life EVER. And the only man running my house is my 7 year old munchkin... and even he's not running a damn thing.. haha!

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  14. I agree with all of them. you rock. I would like to know someone that is on survivor just so I could become a big fan of them and have tons to blog about "how they really are"
    :)

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  15. I'm with you on all of that. I have 2 teen girls and one that likes Twilight. God help me!

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  16. I wouldn't last a day on Survivor...the BF wants to go on that show though. I think he would have a great chance, he's the relaxed one and thinker out of us. I am just crazy LOL

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  17. I can see Tom as one of those British soldiers, the ones with the big hats standing in front of the palace, with you dancing in front of him. Yea.

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  19. What if they had a meat-eating, non-organic Survivor that was entirely in English?

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  20. I was eating my lunch when I was reading your post. Bad idea. I almost spit my soup all over my computer from laughing.

    I agree: mushrooms are a fungus and should not be eaten. For those who push the issue and try to force me to eat them, I remind them that athlete's foot is also a fungus.

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  21. I belong to this mom's group, and on the message group there was a discussion about how to make cake without sugar.

    And I was just like, what? Why??? Why, people, why?

    Fortunately, I was not invited to that birthday party. I could never go to a party where the cake contained no sugar (frosting is the best part, yo).

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  22. I'm with ya all the way to #9. I'm ok with mushrooms when they're drowned in garlic and butter :-)

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  23. I'm totally with you on all of these. Do people actually wear cardigans that way in real life? And DEFINITELY would never give up reading!

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  24. I love the photo of you being totally innapropriate with the wax statue of Tom. I'm with you on most of this, but I do really like mushrooms. And Twilight. But not like in an over the top way. Twilight, I mean. I totally LOVE mushrooms.

    ♥Spot

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  25. Awesome list. That last photo cracked me up!

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  26. Survivor, never ever. I like to eat bathe and what about "that time" omg.

    Mushrooms are delicious when cooked.

    I may not be silly but I love silly people... great list I may try it some time.

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  27. I agree with every one except the mushroom one, and my husband and I are equally funny/serious, but if you asked him he would say I'm the serious one. What does he know? I can do funny (of course never in your league of funny, dear Amber), not every waking moment of the day, but I'm not a cold fish either.

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  28. ditto on the vegan thing, twi-hard, and organic buying!
    I agree whole heartedly!
    Oh and the cardagan.

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  29. So true. I could never be on Survivor. I could never eat bugs!
    I could never be vegan. I think I would die without meat!
    I also agree on the mushroom thing. Mushrooms are so gross!

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  30. I love that comment on your last photo! Too funny! You're adorable! Never lose your zeal. It's great!

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  31. With you all the way except 8.

    I mean I am not on a team or anything. I'm 34 friggin years old. But if I was I would be team Edward. But I'm not. Just saying

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  32. I like your list. There are a few things that I'd totally do, but for the most part I'd say you are pretty right on. Ok so Booty Sweat??? And... I've never seen any of the Twilights... don't really care to either.

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  33. You are totally wrong about mushrooms. But I'll forgive you, because this was funny to read and look at. I love that last picture and the contrast between his face and yours!

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  34. Okay....I'd really like to comment on something else or say something really profound, but...

    I am stuck on that can of "Booty Sweat." What is that? Why is it in a can? Even if it tastes good how in the name of all that is holy do you get past the name??

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  35. Numbers 1 to 9 are also on my never do list and for mostly the same reasons. But I can be a bit too serious some times, so we're not a perfect match!

    Stopping by from SITS. Have a great weekend!

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  36. Oh my gosh, I love this! Thanks for commenting on my post, it let me find your blog, which is awesomely hilarious.

    "In this photo it’s like he’s a wax statue and I’m a tourist being totally inappropriate with it." - This totaly made me, as they say, LOL. :)

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  37. I like mushrooms, but I am 100% with you on every other item :)

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  38. Amen x 10! Totally agree with your entire list.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and crating a top 10! Be sure to add to the linky, if you want.

    Take Care,
    Dawna
    www.akissandapeck.com

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  39. I love your list. I am totally with you on all except 6 and 9. I do speak few languages and and love mushrooms.

    Thank you fro visiting me at Daily Organized Chaos. Love your blog so I became your newest follower.

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  40. Ahh, but haven't you ever tried organic portabello mushrooms sauteed in garlic butter? Might change your mind. Goes great with bacon, too. ;)

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  41. Where, oh where, can I get a shirt that says "Reading is Sexy!" I love it!

    (And my husband has a hard time finding the hamper as well. Though it's not just socks he has an issue disposing of. Shirts, pants, underwear...you name it!)

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  42. I am with you on some of these...I will not do survivor, I will not give up meat, I will not give up my books even when G-Man threatens to burn them....

    I have not been in a relationship so long - I have no clue how to act in one...

    But I do love mushrooms....

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  43. the cardigans all the preps did when I was growing up...I tried it and felt oh so fake. and annoyed...I mean it kept untying and it was around my neck, I hate things around my neck. unless they are pretty scarves so I guess I just hate cardigans around my neck.

    and wow, your hair is crazy long. beautiful but long.

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  44. Could you see me vigorously nodding as I read through every one of these? And don't you look adorable in that last pic? What a fun post, thanks for making me chuckle.

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  45. I love your long hair! I'm trying to grow mine out (again)...why is it that being an adult seems like it's supposed to go hand in hand with short hair?

    I'm with you on the organic/vegan thing. No can do. I'm not saying a complete no to Survivor because...well...ya just never know. :)

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  46. When when oh when is Tom coming home?? Has it been a year yet??

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  47. I relate to a lot of that. Great list! I could NEVER do Survivor, and I wouldn't be caught dead with a sweater tied around my shoulders.

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  48. Do you come any facken cuter? Seriously. I'd party with you even if you did wear a cardigan and your name was something like "Buffy".

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  49. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog :-)

    Funny post! I could never be on Survivor. I could not even attempt to eat some of the stuff they have to for the challenges. ick!! But mushrooms? Sure! I'll take yours!

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  50. This ENTIRE post?
    Fan-freaking-tastic!


    Twilight...oi.
    Too funny!

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  51. hi there! I'm a new follower and I just have to say, this list is too funny!! I agree with every one of these!!

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  52. I am new here [have no idea how you found my blog :)] but your list is fabulous.

    With hair that long, luscious and gorgeous I have to ask what would be the point of a sweater around your neck.

    Your hair would [eat] hide it.

    But the rest - oh yes.

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  53. You are so pretty!
    I kept picturing you like your profile pic! I know, right, of course you aren't a cartoon!
    I loved the entire post, except for the part where you wouldn't pick a team. Team Edward all the way baby!
    That's ok though, I promise not to bring my life size cut-out of him should we ever meet in person. That's just creepy.

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  54. Oh my God, i love you and your blog! I enjoyed reading your list! i'm a new follower! :)

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  55. HA! I totally agree with your list especially the twilight thing and mushrooms!

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  56. I could never be on survivor. I hate bugs and like a flushing toilet! lol I agree with a lot of things on your list!

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  57. The key to tolerating mushrooms is to cook them in a lot of butter.

    LIsaDay

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  58. I agree with every one of those - except that I LOVE portabella mushrooms, mmmmmmmmm.

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