Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Son Watched The Puberty Video At School..

“You have to sign this,” Tommy said, tossing a paper at me.

I saw the paper and…giggled. It was a permission slip for the Always Changing video. You know, the one generally made in the 80s that discusses puberty?

“Are they going to talk about my penis?” Tommy asked as I signed it.

“Well. Not yours precisely but penises in general,” I explained.

“I already know a lot,” Tommy said solemnly. It’s true. I bought him a book about boys when he was 9 because he kept asking about stuff that would happen down there.

“Is my voice going to change?” Tommy wondered for the millionth time as he tucked the permission slip into his backpack. I’m never sure how he finds stuff in there. It’s filled with old papers, new papers, plus a package of goldfishes that he’s never gotten around to eating (I imagine they’re now orange crumbs.)

He’s been obsessed with his voice changing for years. He’s said many times, “Will I wake up and have a deep voice? Will I even know who I AM anymore?”

“It happens gradually. Watch Peter Brady on The Brady Bunch,” I’ve instructed.

To which he was like, “I don’t want to get SQUEAKY! Kids will LAUGH!”

Anyway, Tommy went to school, watched the video, and when he returned he told me as though we were discussing the weather, “It’s okay if a penis gets big when you see a pretty girl.”

I nearly choked on my sip of Diet Coke. “That’s true.” I coughed. I wished Tom weren’t deployed. Penis talks belong to the men.

“Wet dreams happen,” Tommy shrugged.

A spray of crackers flew from my mouth. “They do.”

“Will I get hairs….you know…down there soon?” Tommy continued.

“It’s….yes…eventually,” I answered.

“And my voice will change? I can’t scream like a girl anymore. It won’t let me,” Tommy said, and demonstrated. Light sounds came from his throat. “That means it’s happening. Puberty.”

“The Addams Family named their son Pubert,” I said dumbly. Weird things pop into my mind when I’m uncomfortable.

We discussed ejaculation and body odor and yes, voice changing again.

Tom picked an excellent time to deploy.

(And yes, he can discuss puberty with Tommy via Skype but he also has two roommates who might not want to hear about ejaculation and penis hairs…so it mostly falls on me.)

31 comments:

  1. Hilarious! My oldest is 14 and it's like all those changes just happened overnight. He has had a sore throat and cold for the past few days. He came in the living room Saturday night to tell me his throat was sore and (with the hoarseness)his voice was so deep, I at first thought a strange man was in my house!

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  2. You just made my day. Hilarious.

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  3. Well, at least you're talking to him. Good work.

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  4. Oh man! I just got a good chuckle this morning! Thanks~!

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  5. His casualness about it made me laugh out loud! Thank God you are willing to "go there" with him on this topic...awkward as it may be! ;)-Ashley

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  6. Oh you poor girl. I feel for you. I remember the talk I had with my mom and I wanted to crawl into a hole and just die a slow death. Good luck with that.

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  7. I STILL remember watching the video in the basement of the old church (I went to a Catholic school). The words, "the penis gets engorged with blood" haunted me for years!

    I think you handled this whole "sex" talk quite well with Tommy! Spitting coke aside!

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  8. Oh my. I hadn't even thought about my husband possibly being gone when our son needs that talk...something else to pray the Army doesn't interrupt.

    I'm sorry yours isn't there but reading this made my day...hilarious.

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  9. Wow!! I spit my water with you as you spit your Diet Coke.

    Oh boy!! I have to go through this soon - their father will just hand them a playboy and say figure it out

    Lord help me!

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  10. hahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh, this was awesome. My oldest is only 5 but I'm sure this day will come before I'm prepared for it :)

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  11. SO happy right now to have all girls, but even then those talks are an adventure! My oldest wanted to be a "big girl" when she was 7. My now-12-years-old-and changing middle daughter doesn't want to talk about it, deal with, or even hear the WORD puberty. lol These kids really keep us on our toes, right?

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  12. Gahhhh not looking forward to the puberty talk!

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  13. Oh my! Whoa! Are you serious?

    Like I told you yesterday, it's okay to have chocolate and vodka.

    Our daughter is 1 and I've already instructed my husband on what to do if something happens and I'm not around. He is to call my sister.

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  14. I already found the book I want to get for my daughter in like 10 years when this stuff is happening. I don't wanna talk about it. No no no!

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  15. This made my day. I have already been through this 4 times. One left to talk to.

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  16. I have a feeling this talk will fall to me for my boys. The whole topic makes my hubby squirm. Hopefully I've got a few more years before we get there, though.

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  17. Oh my. I am not having a good day but this made me laugh out loud and not much else has! So thank you for that. My son is so young, but already I've run into things I had no idea about. No idea! Just the simple fact that we had to choose circumcision or no was complicated for me. Glad for my husband. Looks like Tom has an interesting Skype session coming..maybe..if the two roommates aren't around.

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  18. I'm not looking forward to this, but props to Tommy for asking you about it and being comfortable! Because most kids aren't.

    Well, props to you, for raising him to where he feels comfortable.

    And, the skype session...that should be interesting.

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  19. Soooooooo not looking forward to having these conversations ... FOUR TIMES!!!

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  20. I am beyond thankful that I escaped that talk. I did the girl one, but the boy one...awkward!!!

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  21. If I had been drinking a coke just now, it would have all been sprayed on my laptop.

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  22. I had to look up Pubert on wiki, I knew I didn't remember him from the old show. lol
    I am NO good at that kinda talk either. Awkward.

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  23. I loved this, It made me bust out laughing a few times. Thankfully my son is a toddler so I have a few years before I start spitting chips on this subject matter. :) I just found your blog by checking out Domesticated Combat Boots and am so glad I did. :)

    Crystal Aka Military Wife Humor and Life

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  24. My 2 sons are grown. Thank goodness Idon't remember this. Hope their dad did it. Oh well. They survived.

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  25. Raised 4 kids. Lots of penis talk. And breast talk. And vagina talk. And after I educated my husband we moved on to the children.

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  26. I love that you are open with him and willing to answer his questions. That is awesome parenting!

    I am not looking forward to puberty.

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  27. I am so not ready for this. You did a great job!

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  28. Sounds like you handled it very well, choking notwithstanding.

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  29. Oh lord! As I single mom, this kind of thing is definitely in my future!

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  30. Good job Mom! So begin the facts of life. Already been down that road with my kids. Hey, they hear stuff at school and come home asking. If they ask, I tell them the unedited version hoping it scares them into chastity! Sounds like you did a great job!!!

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  31. It's good that the schools are starting them 'young' ... over here, I don't remember being taught all these, or shown a video. I think you are doing a great job, keep it up!

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