Monday, September 23, 2013

I'm Ready For My Deployed Husband To Come Home. Everything Is Breaking.

It never fails.

My husband deploys and everything around me breaks.

My vacuum? Stops sucking.

My computer? Stops computing.

My kids? Stop listening.

I'm at the point where I want to run outside and scream, "STOP BREAKING!" But I can't because it would frighten the neighborhood and someone would call Security Forces.

To date, the following items have acted up on me:

--My Dyson vacuum. Apparently there was a hole in the hose. I tweeted about the fact and Dyson was kind enough to send me a replacement hose, free of charge.

--My husband's truck. This was a Big Deal because my husband loves his truck to the point where if he sees kids playing too close to it, he'll go out and say something. My job was to turn it on every couple of days while he was gone so the battery wouldn't die since I do not drive large trucks. Look, guys, I have enough trouble driving my SMALL car around. If I drove the truck, I'd hit something. If I hit something, I'd scratch the truck which would make my husband convulse. I do not think the military would appreciate having a convulsing soldier so I do not drive the truck, I turn it on. Well. The truck acted pissy about this and REFUSED TO TURN ON one day. It turns out the battery died, so I had to replace it. Then it turned on again, which pleased my husband, but now he's like, "How's my truck?" before asking about MY well being. I'm kidding. Kind of.

--The computers. Yes, plural. First my computer started freezing up on me. Yes, it is six years old, but I was insulted by this. I did weekly scans and didn't put anything difficult on it (see: porn.) It should WORK for me! Then my son was like, "Uh, my laptop keeps having these weird pop ups." It turns out he got a trojan virus. I tried running Malaware Bytes but it freezes before it'll dump out the bad stuff. Thus, the pop ups remain.

--My car. Mind you, it didn't BREAK per say, but there I was minding my own business after a successful shopping trip to Target and it DINGS at me. It's all, "Check Tire Pressure!" and I'm like, "Check YOURSELF, I've had enough stuff break, I'm done." A couple minutes later, ANOTHER ding occurs: "Change Oil. 15% oil life." I groaned. "If you're smart enough to tell me I need an oil change, CHANGE IT YOURSELF!" I shrieked. Soon after I felt like a crazy person for screaming at an inanimate object and bought myself a pumpkin spice frappuccino from Starbucks to calm me down.

--My kids. My son is 11 and can be moody as anything. Nothing pleases him. He's offended I have gray hair already. "Does this mean you're very old?" He's offended what I make for dinner. "This looks strange." He's offended when I breathe. My daughter is 6 and is simply bossy. I let her play outside and call out when it is time to come in. She's all, "No thank you," and then takes off. My kids would not behave like this if my husband were here. My daughter would have said, "Yes Daddy!" while pressing a kiss to his cheek. My son would have said his bald head looks fantastic.

--House items. We're in base housing which means land of cheap so this isn't surprising. Towel bars suddenly snapped off. Wooden pieces from the bathroom drawer clattered to the ground while we stood many feet away from it. Paint began flicking off in the bathroom. Basically, our house seems to be melting around us.

--The lawnmower. It wouldn't turn on. There I was pulling the cord thingy and nothing happened. I cursed. I yelled. I kicked it. This was a cause for concern for someone who witnessed my behavior so they offered to help. THEY pulled the string and NOTHING. Luckily another fellow military wife knew someone who could fix it. I have no idea what they did but they managed to get it to turn on again. Yay! However. It's still acting up. The engine will work for a few minutes before shutting down completely. Yes there is oil. Yes there is gas. Everything just HATES ME. All my personal belongings are out to get me. I swear it.

--My iPhone. I mean, okay, it's not broken, but the new update is taking some time to get used to. Sometimes when I'm scrolling Facebook, I accidentally make that menu screen with the flashlight and all of that come up. I'm all, "Did I ASK for you to show up?" Like Stewie once shouted in Family Guy, "I don't like change!"

I'm ready for my husband to come home. I think he's tired of hearing me whine about how I feel like my personal belongings have made a pact to stop working. I know some people are like, "Never complain when your husband is deployed. He's dealing with enough." But screw that. I'm not going to sit there with folded hands and be like, "I'm having a GLORIOUS time here." For one, my husband would see right through it and ask if I was drunk. Two, I don't use the word glorious.

If all goes well, my husband should return next month. I'll hug him. I'll kiss him. And then I'll ask him to fix our things.


  1. personally, IF he is asking about his truck before your well being, maybe get him to fix things right off the bat when he comes home...haha just kidding!
    I totally hear your frustration though!

  2. UGH. I feel like everything breaks when hubbies are away. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this...I agree with you 100%. He needs to come home...STAT! ;)-Ashley

  3. Sounds like you've been having a rough week. Hang in there hunnie! You'll get used to the new update on the iPhone. I love it!

  4. I forgot to turn on the Mustang and after awhile it died... sad day. We had to get a new battery!

  5. So not fun!! I hope he comes home soon! Until then duct tape...or new unbroken stuff :)

  6. Ugh! I would have had a meltdown. My car was in the shop all day Friday, so I understand the broken things.

  7. During my husband's last patrol, the breaking started just days after he left ... with ME. Yep, he was gone less than a week when I busted my knee and was completely out of the game for weeks! And I'm still not 100% again yet. Blah!

  8. I'm so glad he'll be home next month!

  9. I swear, I became the most handy person while my husband was gone. I killed the car too though, and thankfully my dad was able to get it fixed up. I hope you don't have too much time left & it goes by quickly for you.

  10. You are awesome for holding down the house while he is gone. I'd be a mess. I don't know how to do anything on my own.

  11. I can actually feel your frustration! I hope the next month flies by and that nothing else breaks in the mean time

  12. What a shame! But its only one more month. He'll soon be home. Counting the days for you!

  13. Next month is SO soon. Fingers crossed that he can whip everything in to shape.

  14. Aw, safe returns for him soon!
    I'm not the fix-it one around here. I feel like there's a certain brain for that and I'm sorely lacking it. When I lived with my sister, she was the fix-it one. Now, my husband is. And my daughter can probably fix things better than I can.
    So I have a lot of pumpkin spice frappaccinos to feel better.

  15. Oh no so sorry that so many things are breaking :( I kept pulling down notification center when I was trying to get to the search function, but then my husband showed me for search I can just pull down from anywhere on the screen- glad he showed me or I might have gone crazy.

    I am so not looking forward to the pre-teen moody years, my oldest is turning 9 so it is coming fast!

  16. I don't envy you! you are funny yelling at the car. don't you hate those check engine change oil lights and all that? I'm never tried a pumpkin spice frappe. is it better that way than in latte form? I tried it that way once!

  17. That just stinks, he can't come home soon enough!!!

  18. Oh no! Just a little more time and this will be over. Instead of waiting for him wrapped in Saran Wrap greet him with a tool belt ;-)

  19. Ugh! The same thing happened to me with all kinds of things breaking down over a couple of weeks... and my husband was home!

    Only a month to go until he's home... hope it goes by fast for you!!

  20. It is so true that Daddies/Hubbies made things all better. I tip my hat to all single moms and military wives. It is so hard doing things without the hubbies/daddies there. This list shows it for sure! I grew up with a single mom and that showed it to me for sure. These things only last for a season. It's awesome that your husband returns next month though! I know you and the kiddies will be so excited! Hang in there! I found your blog from SITS Sharefest! xoxo



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