Monday, March 9, 2015

7 Things That Happen At The Base Commissary

On a military base, the grocery store is called the commissary. This is where I shop. You'll encounter all sorts of things when you shop at the commissary.

1. Confused elderly people.

I try not to get irritated with them, because they are retired military members. But when one is blocking the entire soup selection with their cart, and you need a can of chicken soup, it can get annoying. Especially when the wife is all, "Vern? VERN? Which soup did you want again?" And Vern isn't sure so he's like, "I don't know. How much sodium does the Campbells one have compared to the others?" I'll say, "Excuse me?" and they'll glare at ME as if I'm interrupting or something. I said excuse me. I don't have all day to wait for them to compare sodium on all the cans of chicken soup.

2. Shoppers who block the aisles with their cart so you can't pass.

This probably happens at ALL grocery stories. If I'm looking at something, I move my cart to the side so others may pass. Sometimes people have their cart way out so you cannot pass. If you say excuse me, it sometimes works. Other times you are ignored. So I move the cart out of my way, and then the person glares at you. I always want to say, "Relax. I'm not stealing your cart. There's KALE in there."

3. Cranky Baggers.

At the commissary, you have people who bag and bring your groceries to your car. Then you tip them. I usually tip between $3-$5 depending on the weather and how many bags I have. I once pulled out three dollars from my wallet as the woman was bagging and heard her say to a friend, "She only giving me three dollar!" Another smacked my hand when I tried to help put the bags into my trunk. Please note, not ALL the baggers are cranky. I find the older people who are usually retirees, are fantastic.

4. Angry elderly people.

I go to the commissary early to avoid crowds. Sometimes this means only one checkout line is open. This upsets the older people who say loudly, "This is RIDICULOUS. In my day this WOULD NOT HAPPEN. Hey, you worker there! Why aren't any other lines OPEN?" Or they'll be gripping about the price of one of their items as they wait to checkout. "I can't believe it's three dollars for a block of cheese. I remember when it was .99 cents."

5. The same songs.

I swear there's something called The Commissary Soundtrack, because whenever I go, I usually hear the following songs: Moves Like Jagger, which I detest because Adam Levine hurts my ears, Maniac Monday, which I enjoy, but not when I've heard it 234897 times, and Africa by Toto, which I also like, but I wish there was more variety.

6. Brief guilt when you ask for plastic bags.

Sometimes I get a look from either the cashier or bagger that clearly says: "JUDGING YOU." But hey, I re-use the plastic bags! I use them as trash or kitty litter bags. I wouldn't re-use the paper bags. Could I buy the re-usable cloth bags? Yes. But then I'd have to buy bags to do the litter box and I'd just rather not.

7. Crazy drivers in the parking lot.

I've nearly been killed twice. Once by an elderly woman who gestured for me to go, but then put her foot on the gas. Lucky for me, I jumped away right in time. Another from a woman messing with her phone. I might have given her the finger.


  1. Hahaha, this list cracked me up and may be why I've only been to the commissary once... ever! I can't handle it... I shop off base for sure. We don't live on base, though, so it's not my closest option anyway.

  2. This is everywhere, except for the plastic bags and tipping. I think that's insane. 3 dollars for taking your bags out seems great. It maybe takes them 15 min tops to do that, That could translate to 12 an hour if all they do is take out 4 people's groceries.

  3. The commissary stresses me out, the people are ridiculous sometimes.

  4. Since we are guard we don't have a commissary here - I don't like them when we are at bases that have them. I like to take my own groceries out to my car and not being able to do that stresses me.

  5. Despite the inexpensive prices, I loathe the commissary. I hate shopping as a whole, but the commissary makes me stabby. I worked at one for over 3 years, so I know those baggers are making a killing and are some of the rudest, most ungrateful people on Earth. But when we got stationed at an army base (we're AF), oh my goodness, makes the air force commissaries look like they're all rainbows and unicorns. The sheer stupidity and aggressiveness of the people here amazes me. The old people, that's a universal thing, I think. The last trip we made, there was a family blocking the middle of an aisle, screaming at the top of their lungs some atrocious rap 'music'. Let me tell you, hearing the F word come out of a 2- and 3-year-old's mouth was enlightening.

    So I will gladly pay the 9% tax rate to shop off base in a pleasant, non-threatening environment.

  6. I have never shopped in a commissary, but it sounds a lot like shopping at the Walgreens that is attached to the old person's condominium. I try to avoid it at all costs, lol.

  7. Thank you for commenting on my blog because now I'm super thrilled that I've found yours :) Although I've never been to a commissary, I can certainly say that grocery store aisle blockers kill me!!!! I mean, it's like driving a car, stay in your lane. Don't cross over, don't get in the middle, don't get on the wrong side---it's proper grocery etiquette folks. OK, rant over :) Happy Monday!

  8. Ohh I used to watch Army Wives and wanted to do stuff like shop at the commissary. I was obviously wrong!

  9. Lol I love the commissary! There's always a married hooker in there with her jog bra and yoga pants on hitting on some young E3. Or a couple fighting. Or yes! Old people bitching, Never fails! I can't wait to pcs to a bigger base so I can see more drama. The commissary and PX are like my drug of choice. I love themmmmm! Lol.

  10. I went to a commissary in Germany and I can fully agree with all of these. Haha!

  11. The commissary here is always busy, and I consider it a successful trip when I make it out in under an hour. I don't shop there often because it isn't close to my house, but when I do I feel stressed when I leave. I also make sure to keep my items under the self checkout limit so I don't have to worry about baggers.

  12. haha the angry elderly people crack me up. "Back in my day" is probably the token line of the elderly. It can be cute but not when angry :)

  13. I hope you more than might have given her the finger!
    Yes, this describes pretty much all grocery stores everywhere. We don't have any cranky baggers here, though! I've never seen one.

  14. I feel like we are long lost sisters. You are so like me. I love it. All of this is yes yes yes.

  15. Oh man, I miss having a commissary to go to! I'll take it over the wackos at my local Walmart ANY day of the week!


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