Friday, April 17, 2009

Snow! Piss Off!

My Mom is coming to visit today.

She lives in Texas. Land of warmth and sun.

I live in Wyoming. Land of cold and snow.

Guess what Wyoming is up to today?

That’s right.

It’s snowing.

In fact, some would call it a snowstorm.

I am not amused.

This means that a lot of roads are closed. So far my Mom’s flight isn’t delayed but who knows if that will change?

Colorado decided to join Wyoming in the land of cold and snow and is currently going through its own snowstorm.

My response is this: it’s April, poor confused States. This means that the sun is supposed to be out. I understand that rain may occur and I’m cool with that. But snow? Harsh winds? I said goodbye to that when Winter ended.

I’m currently watching our local news for updates on the road closures. Right now it appears that I-25, which is what Mom needs to travel on to get here, has re-opened. But for how long? Mom’s flight doesn’t get in until 5. (Wait never mind. I-25 is closed.)

There are some irritating people from Wyoming who are actually excited about the snow. They’re on the local news right now going, “Well, we need the water!”

Um. NOT RIGHT NOW. Did you not get the memo that my MOM is coming?

Can’t any of these people curse at the cameras like I would have when asked how I felt about the latest snowstorm?

I’d have been all, “I’m livid. Because not only is my mother supposed to visit today but it also means that I now get to shovel my driveway on top of everything else I have to do. Right now the state of Wyoming deserves the middle finger.”

Of course they probably wouldn’t have even aired my segment because it wasn’t cheery like that lady who gushed, “Oh, I love the snow! It’s fantastic!”

I still think she had to have been drunk. She was swaying slightly. No one can possibly like snow that much unless it occurs on Christmas.

When I’m not griping about the weather, I’m darting around the house cleaning things so my mother doesn’t know that her only child has weird stains on her kitchen floor. I’ve been getting on my hands and knees so I can scrub them out.

I’ve also realized that I need to dust more because ew, the television had like an inch of dust on it.

I nearly left my bottle of KY Jelly on display for all to see. It was sitting on my night table and I quickly hid that. Mom doesn’t need to see that sort of thing. In her mind I’ve only had sex twice to conceive her precious grandchildren.

I also hid my thongs. Not that I wear them often because I’m sorry, they are not comfortable. It’s like having a wad of toilet paper stuck up your butt. I only wear them when I want something from my husband. It never fails to work. I just walk up to him and whisper, “I’m wearing a thong,” and he agrees to practically everything I ask.

But my Mom doesn’t need to know that I wear thongs to get what I want. I can imagine her coming across them and picking one up with her thumb and forefinger and saying something like, “Well. These are festive.”

It’s just best that they’re hidden.

So why is my Mom coming to visit? Well, to visit her only child and her grandchildren of course.

Oh, and because she’s totally babysitting said grandchildren while I go to the Mall of America for a few days next week.

I’m meeting up with my best friend Jennifer, who lives in Ohio.

I haven’t seen her in over two years. Of course I talk to her everyday. But it’s not the same. We both knew we had to see each other and we both agreed that the best place to have a reunion was the Mall of America.

I’d like to point out that we’ve been planning this for nearly a year now. This was before I bought the new car and before I had to Cut Back. Thankfully I had been setting money aside for my trip so I’m still good to go.

I’ll be leaving on Monday and returning on Thursday.

It is my first vacation away from the kids.

It’s going to be strange. I know I’m going to be tempted to reach over and cut Jennifer’s meat when we go out to dinner because I’m so used to slicing my children’s meals.

Jennifer would probably be all, “Um?” while I leaned over with my knife and fork poised to cut.

Then again, she might be leaning over my own plate, ready to do the same thing to MY meat.

Because we’re both mother’s after all.


  1. I knew I liked you. I too am my mother's only child, with her only 2 grandkids (boy then a girl) AND am also having pick up after my messy military husband. :)

  2. ugh, they're calling for 27 inches where I am. barf. I hate the snow too, and I don't even have anywhere I need to be. I hope your mom can make it in today.

    stupid confused colorado and wyoming (ha, I seriously just typed WHYoming. Fitting.)

  3. I despise snow! I can never drive in it. I always make my husband take me to the store when it does.

  4. I actually have a box for that I keep of gift junk for when my mom or mother in law visit. I pull it out and set the "gifts" around in nice spots for display!!

  5. Keepin my toes and fingers crossed that the snow clears!!

  6. I'd let you cut my meat. Oh dear, that didn't come out right.

  7. Hope the snow goes away fast! My husband and I went through your state once in August and it snowed! Crazy!

    Yeah, I like to fake people out when they come over and make them think our house is always tidy, when in reality, we a just a bunch a slobs!

  8. Snow?? That is suckyyyyyy!

    Enjoy your trip to the mall of my dreams!

  9. Sometimes I would give anything for it to snow. As long as it would go away as fast as it came. Have fun at the mall.

  10. Snow in April is Just Not Right. I hope you were able to hide everything that needed to be hided and get your mom picked up without too much trouble.

    Enjoy your trip. I went two years ago with some friends and it was so fun. Even when you ARE trying to Cut Back.

  11. i thought i was able to complain because of all teh rain we had here, but you got me beat. snow sucks, even in winter months. it super-sucks now. have fun at the mall (that kind of sounds like a vacation to disneyworld for moms)!

  12. We had snow Wednesday, hopefully it stays away. Last year it snowed on June 1st and I about threw a fit! Glad I'm not the only one who hates snow. Have a great trip!

  13. I hope your mom is there safe and sound and that you have a wonderful few days vacation.

  14. A few days away from the kids. Bring it! I am sure that you are going to have a fabulous time and be ready to see them at the end of your 4th day...not so sure about the 2nd day, though.

    I have to tell you that your sidebar note about your e-mail address totally made me laugh. I think you should rethink your entire blog design in order to align with the e-mail address. Think pink and tiaras. It is all the rage!


  15. Being a Texas girl, I totally don't care for snow. However, I do have one nice thing to say about it. I lived in Fargo for one 8-month winter. It snowed a lot, but it never rained. Not once. Going from 107 to 57 in a week took some adjusting, sure. And snow when we were packing the truck on April 15 wasn't the ideal situation. But, no rain.


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