Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Sweet Mouth

I have a sweet tooth.

Actually, a more appropriate phase might be that I have a sweet mouth.

I can’t help it.

Who can resist sinking their teeth into a giant slice of chocolate cake?

Who can turn down a Little Debbie snack? (Swiss Rolls. Mmm...)

Who can avoid throwing a bag of Hershey Kisses into the shopping cart?

Who can walk past the bakery section of the grocery store without even glancing at the display case?

I know I can’t.

I try, I really do, but then I spot the bear claws and the cookies and the cupcakes and I just have to stop.

This is what happened to me yesterday.

Actually, it was this woman’s fault. She was talking to the baker and I overheard her saying, “I’ll take a cupcake with the butterfly.”

This caught my attention.

My mind immediately started to race. What? A cupcake with a BUTTERFLY on it? How cool! I’ve GOT to check that out.

So I paused and watched as the baker picked a cupcake with a butterfly on top and placed it in a plastic container. It was beautiful. My mouth practically watered as my eyes drifted over the other treats. There were vanilla cupcakes, chocolate cupcakes, cookies and, oh my gosh, a chocolate brownie with chocolate frosting on top. I had to have that brownie. I was practically salivating all over the glass display.

“Miss? Can I help you with something? Hello? MISS?”

I didn’t realize that the baker was talking to me. I was too busy drooling over the brownie.


My neck jerked back in surprise. The baker had banged her palm down on the counter and had snapped me out of my trance.

“Oh,” I said in a dazed tone. “I’m sorry. It’s just, you have so many delicious treats—”

“What do you want?” the baker boomed, crossing her arms over her chest. I guess she didn’t want to be complimented on her treats.

“I’ll take two of those butterfly cupcakes,” I replied meekly.

I figured I’d just get something for the kids.

I really tried not to get anything for myself. But my eyes kept flicking over to that chocolate brownie with the chocolate frosting and OH! In the middle of it was a Hershey Kiss.

“Could you hide that brownie for me?” I joked as the baker pulled out a plastic container from the back. “That way I won’t be tempted.”

The baker didn’t look amused. She pursed her lips and said sharply, “Do you want the brownie or not?”

Hello? Did she not HEAR me? I asked her to HIDE the brownie. If she HIDES it then I could pretend that it never existed.

“I...” I hesitated.

Oh no. OH NO.

I didn’t need the brownie. I mean, swim suit season is approaching. A lot of women cut out sweets all together around this time. But I don’t have that kind of willpower. Sure, I want to look nice in my swim suit. But I think I like my sweets more.

Actually, maybe I could just get one of those modest swimsuits that those Duggar girls always wear.

I think they’re onto something. Sure, they want to cover up but maybe they’re also like, “And it means we can totally pig out and no one will notice!”

But then again, if I walked out wearing this, my husband would think that I’ve lost my mind and refuse to be seen with me.


The baker’s shrill voice cut through my thoughts again.

She did not look amused.

I don’t know why she was so cranky. If I worked with frosting and chocolate I’d be in a wonderful mood.

“I’ll take the brownie,” I said quickly.

I mean, I could work it off with housework. Vacuuming burns what, 300 calories? Okay, probably more like 30 but a girl can dream, right?

I thought I’d be happy with the brownie.

But then my eyes rested on a variety of cheesecake slices.

Cheesecake is my weakness. I love it. I would marry cheesecake if it were legal. Oh, and if I weren’t already married.

I went to The Cheesecake Factory once and I thought I’d pass out from the excitement of all the different cheesecake flavors to choose from. I think I startled the waitress when I clapped my hands after staring at the menu.

“And...” I heard a familiar voice say. “I’ll take a slice of that strawberry cheesecake, too.”

I realized that it was MY voice.

What? Wait!

The baker just raised an eyebrow as she reached for the cheesecake.

“Want me to just bag up everything that’s for sale?” she asked dryly.

I ignored her and just took my treats.

Maybe if she had a chocolate brownie with chocolate frosting and a Hershey Kiss on top then she’d be a happier person.

I had the brownie as soon as I got home.

A reward for doing the grocery shopping and having to bring in all those bags, you see.

It melted in my mouth and to be honest, I wanted another one.

Then I had the cheesecake for breakfast and I weirded out my kids by going, "Mmmmmmm!" every few seconds.

Later in the afternoon I made the mistake of getting on my WiiFit.

I was told that I gained weight:

I thought I DID eat in moderation. I mean, I only had one brownie and one slice of cheesecake.

Then I was told this:

Obviously the WiiFit doesn't have kids.

You can't eat slowly when you have kids. If you eat slowly then you don't eat at all.

Plus, I think I'd bore myself if I had to chew the same bite of food five times.

I'd confuse my husband. He'd be all, "Why are you chewing in slow motion?"


Oh well.

So I've gained weight.

Maybe I'll give those modest swimsuits another look....


  1. here from SITS! saw that you also celebrate Wednesday as the official LOST day. i too am obsessed. i think cheesecake sounds like a fine idea.

    loved this post! made me hungry for tiramisu or cupcakes or ... something sweet!!!

  2. Oh my gosh! YOU ARE HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard. And I totally understood and related to every word that you said. We just got back from the store tonight and can I tell you HOW HARD it was to walk by the bakery. I tried SO so hard. And then Kaish wanted a cookie. And well, I was sucked in. I mean, once you are amidst all of those delicious things, how can you NOT get something. I just got 1 piece of coconut cream pie. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm and 1 canolli. Sigh.

  3. I have the same problem with the sweets!! I wish I had some advice for you... I'd tell you to mash the brownie in the grumpy baker's face for being such a sourpuss, but that would be such a waste of a perfectly good treat..

  4. Looks good. Im not a choclate fan but I will eat little Debbies Cosmic Brownines!!!! YUM

  5. oh man...SWISS CAKE ROLLS! I knew you were a kindred spirit. I so wish I had one of those in the freezer right now. One. That's funny. Everyone knows they come in packages of two. And you can't just leave one in the freezer after you open it. It might get freezer burn. NOT IN MY HOUSE. (reason 531 why I do not have a WiiFit. I will not be shamed over my love of frozen Swiss Cake Rolls)

  6. Wow! You roll with it better than I. Maybe I should take some prozac? I would have given her a mean look and walked away.

    I do not want brownies with a negative vibe attached! I wonder what kind of evil moogoo calories are in that brownie! I bet no mere normal exercise will get rid of that negative energy!

    You will need to laugh you ass off to get rid of it! Roll over to my blog today and tomorrow. I will try to help with the LMAO!!!

  7. You are so funny!

    Sometimes you just have to have a "little something", you know, for good behavior!

    If it were me, I would have thrown the Wii through a window!

  8. I love this post--this is so me!! What was going on with that cranky bakery woman?? Man, people need to get a little happier --don't ya think!!

  9. Pass the modest swimsuit catalog, please! I have the worst craving for a brownie now...gee, thanks!

  10. I'm impressed that you made it all the way home before you ate anything! What willpower!

    I totally need one of those bathing suits. What are our chances that they will become The Thing to have this summer?

  11. the cupcakes look so pretty - how can anyone not be tempted???

    but the baker is just way too rude, ugh.

  12. LOL, if I want a warm meal I am going to inhale it. Darn, could be one of my problems.

    And what was with that baker, isn't she in the business to sell the food in it?

    Thanks for stopping by, I'm now following you.

  13. so jealous of you and your brownie. i just started phase one of the south beach diet and surprisingly, chocolate iced chocolate brownies are not on there.

  14. Heeheee... Okay - seriously - where did you gain the weight? Your big toe??? And I'm coming there, to visit that bakery ... then I am going to hand that woman a midol. Maybe she didn't make the stuff and she was just grouchy to be around it all day cuz SHE wanted to eat it all. And apparently the WiiFit doesn't have children, or a lot of other things for that matter... didn't it's mother board ever teach it manners?!?!

  15. I would have told the Wii Fit to stuff it and had another cupcake. With a pink butterfly, please.

  16. I think I gained a pound (or 4) reading to the store for some Lil Debbie cakes. See what you did????
    SITS rawks ;)

  17. Ha! Oh girl, I would have taken the whole kit and kaboodle too! I blame my sweet tooth on my dad. But it's just not fair because my dad can eat all the sweets he wants and not gain a pound! Me on the other hand....

    I hate the wii fit, it tells me I've fat all the time.

  18. Hilarious! I have a sweet mouth too! Mine is for straight sugar...just candy. But, I'll eat a brownie any day.

  19. Just found your blog...hilarious! I had to wipe the drool away before I could comment. I'll be dreaming of chocolate brownies and cheesecakes of every variety....Mmmmmm

  20. What a horribly rude baker woman. If you are surrounded by sugar it should totally rub off onto your personality.

    Humph,was she extremely skinny? Maybe she isn't sampling enough of the wares.

  21. Hi! You know, I rather like that swimsuit outfit (teehee) without the cap!

    I've never seen a Wii screen before. It made me laugh out loud they actually give you advice like that?! That is hilarious... and COOL at the same time! :)

    I ordered some cupcakes in a jar from Bangerdash online. I ordered two. One for me and one for my mom for Easter. They arrived quickly, my mom was still out of town. I couldn't wait any longer so I went ahead and ate mine. MMMM HEAVEN!!!! My mom's cupcake survived for another couple days, but then down the hatch it went. I ended up giving my mom some Whopper candy for Easter instead.

  22. See, this is why I don't have a Wii Fit. I really don't need the added pressure of some fat electronic version of me (or is it a Mii?) telling me I'm fat. I already know this, thus the whole rationale for why people own Wii Fit in the first place. It's an evil catch-22, if you ask me.


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