Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Missing Kid

Fine, so, I rarely get to go to the bathroom alone.

My two-year-old daughter Natalie usually follows me in. My son at least stands outside the door now (girl cooties, you see) but he shouts questions at me as I’m trying to go.

I don’t think it’s fair that my husband gets PIPs. (Poops in peace.) He gets to stroll into the bathroom, close the door and take his time. I’ve been known to shriek, “When do I get MY PIP, Tom? When do I get my PIP?” He says that I just have to be firmer with the children. I’ve tried that. I’ve told Natalie that I’d like my privacy and she just tells me, “Nope.”

I’m going to remember this when she’s a teenager. When she’s going through her “my parents suck and don’t get me” phase and tries to shut herself in her room, I’m totally walking in there. When she snaps at me for not giving her privacy I’ll go, “Hey, you never gave me privacy when I took a crap so you can kiss yours goodbye.”

Yesterday I headed for the bathroom and was a little confused when Natalie didn’t follow me in. I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I did my business and was so elated over the privacy that it took a few seconds for me to comprehend that there would be repercussions. I was in the middle of washing my hands and then it hit me:

Natalie wasn’t in here with me.

So it meant she was up to no good.

I quickly dried my hands and zoomed out of the bathroom. My foot got tangled up on Natalie’s doll that was tossed on the floor and I went careening into the wall.

“Natalie?” I called out, my voice laced with trepidation. My cheek was against the wall and I peeled myself off of it and gazed around the living room.

No Natalie.

Oh no. This is NOT good....

The last time Natalie went silent she had pulled some of my books out of the shelf and had COLORED in them.

I nearly cried.

“Natalie!” I had chastised. “We don’t scribble on Meg Cabot and Nicolas Sparks.”

“Pretty,” she had told me and dropped a defaced Jane Green novel in my lap.

Needless to say she was put in time out.

My eyes swiveled to the bookcase. Natalie wasn’t there.


What if she walked out the front door and is wandering the streets?

I practically jumped out the door and startled my neighbor who was planting some flowers. Her hand flew to her heart as I leaped over the two stairs that lead up to the front door. I felt like Spiderman as I soared through the air. Okay, so I totally twisted my ankle but at least I didn’t fall on my face. I stumbled a few steps but I didn’t fall. That’s always a plus.

My neighbor sort of tossed me a bewildered look as I searched the front yard.

No Natalie.

So I rushed back in the house.

“Natalie?” I shouted.

Then I heard a clinking sound.

It came from the kitchen.

Oh no.

I walked into the kitchen and there she was. She had pushed the stool over to the sink and she was messing with the dishes.

Before I went to the bathroom I had put a bowl that was half full of oatmeal in there. See, Natalie had said she wanted oatmeal for breakfast and I had made it for her and she had taken all of two bites before she had proclaimed she was done.

I seriously don’t know how she stays alive from eating so little.

Anyhow, Natalie had taken that bowl of oatmeal and had decided to dump it on the counter. She was rubbing it into the counter and mistaking the oatmeal for a sponge.

“Natalie Elizabeth!” I shrieked.

She jumped but she continued to scrub with the oatmeal.

"No, Natalie," I told her firmly. "We don't make messes."

"Pretty!" Natalie said, waving her palms in the air that were covered in oatmeal.

Okay, our views on what is pretty is obviously very different.

I washed her off and told her to go play while I cleaned up.

After I cleaned up, I found Natalie sitting in the living room surrounded by Q-tips.

She had gone into the bathroom and pulled them out.

There was a trail of Q-tips around my house:

I really can't win.

I sometimes wish I could put Natalie in a crate so I could clean in peace and not have to worry about her making another mess.

I think she'd have fun in a crate.

So long as it was pink.


  1. I know that feeling all too well! we have party in the bathroom... dogs, kids, whoever feels like it when mom has to go! I gave up privacy in 2003.

  2. Sounds like that PIP wasn't quite worth it!

    Oh my god, I love that you guys have given the whole situation a name! PIP! Brilliant!

  3. There's no law against kids in crates.

    Is there?

  4. I know what you mean! I like to clean in peace and quiet all by myself. Toilets are no problem without kids bothering you.

    .... my boys have never been mess makers. They are clean freaks. Really. Both get upset about any little spot on their shirts. They want to go home and change.

  5. As always, I can totally relate ... I have had "one of those days" today where it's like - seriously, can I just pleeeeease let my guard down for two SECONDS?!?

    And I'm right there with you on the PIPs. People don't realize what a luxury that really is.

  6. Mine are 11, 18, and 20-- I still do not get PIPs. It is not just the kids, my DH along with the dog also cannot let me PIP. Love the pics. She was right! It is pretty!

  7. My puppies are my children and the only way I can have privacy while I try to go potty is to put them in their crates with a treat. LOL

  8. what is kid's fascination with watching mom pee. I don't' get it. Oh and my hubby totally gets 30 plus minutes of pip. I frustrates me to no end!

  9. lol. it's the complete opposite at our house. our son will not let my husband PIP...or shower...or shave. He must be included in all bathroom decisions where my husband is concerned. he occasionally will accompany me to the bathroom, but it's usually from coersion by husband to "go bother your Mama". lol

  10. I remember those days as well. Your day will come eventually. But what really got me excited about this post is we like the same authors! Have you read Marian Keyes? Another of my favorites.

  11. PIP! I love that!

    I'm lucky that as of right now I can still toss Corbin in his pack 'n play while I shower or take care of other business. He screams and stomps his feet at first but gets over it fairly quickly.

    Sometimes though, when I'm not in the mood to listen to the whining and crying I allow him to accompany me to the bathroom. He proceeds to walk around and grab everything within his reach and then, of course, I regret my decision to be NICE!

  12. ah, i wish natalie could meet my girls. they have so much in common. her and katie could even share the pink crate (cara would need a purple one). i have a post very similar to this one. you can see what my day was like here( hang in there!

  13. duct tape ... not that it is legal but you could probably get a PIP in here and there!

  14. okay, so i'm up way past when i should go to bed, but reading your blog totally made it all worth it! you are so funny!

  15. hahaha Oh Natalie--she's a funny little tot :)

    You always think you want your privacy...but then you realize what that entails and would much rather answer "why?" for 5 minutes than clean up kitty litter all over the sticky tequila stained floor.....oh two year olds.

  16. Natalie is obviously practicing modern art. Encourage this, she will make you a fortune.

  17. When mine were wee, I too swore I'd walk in on them when they were teens who wanted privacy, but now that it's a reality, I don't. It's scary in their rooms.

  18. Ah the fun things I have to look forward to as my child gets older.

  19. PIP! I love it! I am cracking up here! I don't have kids but my dog constantly follows me in to the bathroom but not my husband...why IS that?!?

    I just wanted to say thanks for visiting my blog! I am no following your blog and added your button to my blog! I would love if you followed mine, too! :-)

  20. My 2 yo dumped a package of shredded cheese on the couch this week and drove his bulldozer through it. That was fun to clean up.

  21. hee hee - I have not had a PIP alone in almost 8 years now!! If one of the children are not in there or at the door banging or opening or closing- I have the dog sitting there staring at me! Such pleasure I tell you!

  22. I went from a child following me everywhere to a dog! If I don't let her in she scratches and cries. Do they still make playpens?

  23. If you have a jar of vaseline, TOSS it. Anything BALM'ish... get rid of it or put it in the safe. Do you know how hard it is to bathe a 2 year old who has gotten into a jar of vaseline and smothered himself all over with it? Every nook and cranny. Every strand of hair. It took a few days of good scrubbing baths to get it all off him! I wish I could find a picture of it... but I think he wouldn't appreciate it now that he is 10 years old-- mwahahaha.

  24. Wow, and I thought it was bad when my cat and dog barged in the bathroom leaving the door wide open at the absolute worst time.

  25. Look at the bright side. Just think what you can save on art supplies and toys if she can amuse herself with oatmeal and some Q-Tips!

  26. I know what you mean about wanting to put her in a crate. My son also pulled out all of our q-tips the other day. I could string him up! hahah. Good luck with the "we don't make messes" rule...Mine hasn't taken into effect yet apparently. lol

  27. Oh, I hope my Natalie doesn't do this. But, Izzy already does. And, she loves to put Q-tips in her ears!


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