Friday, June 5, 2009

Obviously I Need Lasik

I can be a total wimp.

I admit this freely.

So why in the world do I continue to watch shows about ghosts and aliens?

I know they freak me out.

It doesn’t help that my husband is away. Usually he can calm me down when I suddenly shriek, “What’s that in the corner?”

He’ll be all, “Um, well Amber, that’s the lamp.”

When he’s not here I believe that the lamp is actually a ghost out to get me.

Or an alien wanting to take me to his planet VaVu.

I can’t stop watching the ghost and alien shows though. They fascinate me.

I made the mistake of watching one last night. I hesitated before I clicked the enter button.

Amber. You know what happened the last time you watched a show like this. You swore there was a ghost hanging out in the bathroom…

Okay, but that wasn’t my fault. See, we have a bathroom attached to our room and the door is usually open. So when I’m in bed, I stare right into it. I once woke up in the dead of night and because I was disoriented, I MAY have thought that the towel hanging on the rack was a ghost.

I wear glasses and obviously I didn’t have my glasses on as I slept. My eyesight is like -500/-500. In other words, it sucks. So the towel looked like a strange blob and in my mind, the blob was FLOATING over to me.

My heart was thumping like mad and I shouted something like, “Go away!” before diving under the covers.

When I worked up the courage to peek out I realized that the blob wasn’t moving and figured out that I had been mistaken about the ghost.


Anyhow, even though I knew I shouldn’t watch the ghost show last night, I still did. After all, I was an entire month older than I was during the towel incident. Surely I had matured since then.

So I watched the program and nothing spooked me.

Then, since all was well, I decided to watch a show on UFOs.

I wasn’t even afraid! I calmly watched and then I headed off to bed. When I turned off the lights, I didn’t mistake the dresser for an alien.

You see? I’m maturing!

I fell asleep and was awoken by a boom of thunder at around three in the morning. Normally this would terrify me. But not this time. No, this time I was—

Holy mother of pearl! What is that in the doorway?!

I swear I saw a figure hovering.

There was a flash of lightening and it was definitely the outline of someone.

Or something.

My breath started quickening and I pulled the covers up to my nose.

It’s just my imagination. I KNEW I shouldn’t have watched those shows. What was I thinking?

Another flash of lightening filled the room and I saw the figure again.

It’s an alien! I can’t see through it so it has to be an alien. I’m going to be abducted and they’re going to perform weird experiments on me. I’m not wearing my good underwear so the aliens are going to think that something is wrong with me and try and drill my eye out.

My heart was beating quickly and I was frozen in fear. I wanted to reach for my glasses but I was worried if I stuck my hand out that the alien would shoot it off.

So I did what any other self-respecting twenty-six-year-old would do.

I dove under the covers.

I stayed there for a few seconds before feeling like a complete idiot.

Amber. You’re a grown woman! Grown women don’t do this. It’s probably nothing. It’s just your imagination. It’s just your imagination.

I kept chanting that as I lifted my head from under the covers.

I forced myself to look at the doorway.

The figure was gone!

You see? Just your imagination. Just your--

But then there was another flash of lightening and I spotted the figure at the foot of the bed.


Then a piercing sound filled the room.

It’s trying to communicate with me! What should I do? Should I screech back? What if I accidentally tell the alien off with my screeching and it tries to eat me?

A few seconds later I remembered that it was just my fan. Sometimes it emits loud noises. I really need to look into replacing it.

The figure looked like it was getting closer.

“I have kids!” I wailed as though this would make everything better.

“Mommy?” the alien replied.

Mommy? What in the world? Maybe that’s what aliens call humans?

“Mommy?” it said again.

And that’s when I realized that the voice belonged to my son Tommy.

“Tommy?” I said cautiously.

What if the alien had morphed into Tommy’s body?

To be on the safe side I grabbed my pillow and put it in front of me in case the alien decided to strike.

“Mommy, this storm is scaring me,” Tommy said, his voice shaking. “I’m scared that the lightening is going to get me.” I saw his form walk closer to me.

I quickly scrambled for my glasses and shoved them on my face.


It APPEARED to be Tommy.

“When’s your birthday? What is your sister’s name?” The questions just tumbled from my mouth. I had to make sure this was the REAL Tommy.

Then there was a thunder boom and Tommy dove into me.

Since I didn’t feel like I was being devoured or taken aboard a spacecraft, I hugged Tommy to me.

“It’s okay, Tommy. Don’t be scared,” I said. I didn’t tell him that his mother had just been scared shitless five minutes before.

I let him sleep with me.

It was the least I could do since I had thought he was an alien.


  1. Hahaha, that is so funny!!!!!! My hubby will turn off the lights, plunging us into darkness and whisper "I see dead people" and I'm screaming and screaming "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!" But the funniest is that *this* grown woman still believes that a bear is chasing after her as she takes the garbage out at night and I BOLT into the house before he can get me!

  2. Please do not ever buy a gun.

    I would hate for you to nick Tommy by accident :-(

  3. lol ... yes don't keep a flashlight under your pillow either!

  4. Don't worry, I'd never buy a gun. I'm too danged jumpy.

  5. LOL - I think it's time for you to give up these shows! I understand though - movies about the devil and things like that get me VERY jumpy! Poor Tommy - you'll have to tell him someday you thought he was an alien!

  6. Oh, man - I get the same way! Crazy in the light of day - absolutely real in the dark of night.

    Glad you and Tommy got to cling to each other a little bit...

  7. I can't help but watch scarey movies. As long as there is a pillow I can duck behind. If the closet door is open or the bedroom door is shut, I'm not sleeping. (Hugs)Indigo

  8. Seriously, this post was freakin' hilarious! I would say that it had me laughing out loud, but I lost my voice today. So I was silently laughing throughout the whole thing!

  9. Yes, absolutely. I'm the same way, but every Wednesday will find me in front of the tube watching Jason and Grant chase ghosts on Ghost Hunters. When my husband worked offshore, I occassionally forget to take the lights off when I went to bed at night.

  10. I do the same thing with zombie movies ... I am TERRIFIED of zombies (LOL ... I know) but insist on watching movies about them anyway. Even though I just *know* that zombies are lurching through the darkness to get me. Ugh!

  11. this sounds SO much like me, I had to laugh. I will not let myself watch shows that have any chance of doing these things to me.

  12. didn't it feel so much better to have tommy there with you, though? it doesn't matter who it is there with me, as long as someone is, i'm less scared (by the way...i closed my eyes in the haunted manison at disney).

  13. I to love to hate scary movies....they come to life when the house is dark!! everything hanging in the closet is out to get me ... if the blankets on the bed are postioned right they are out to get me.....its a never ending story....until the next movie anyway!!

  14. Ha!! That's awesome!! I'm the same way with any Law & Order or CSI... I swear people are gonna break into my house, take the kids, and leave me stuffed in the trunk of a car and dumped into the lake...That's why I stick to Murder she wrote!!

  15. You silly lady!

    I hate scary movies! Never watch them! I'm all about silly, fun, happy, happy movies!

  16. I often think that children are aliens. :-)


  17. lol don't buy a gun you will end up shooting your children, lamp and god know what else. My husband travels alot for his job and I'm always convinced the boogyman is in the house.

  18. So you sleep with aliens?


    Ah crap, I give up...

  19. Hahahaha! I am the same way!!!

  20. First time here to your blog and I laffed and laffed (not AT you but WITH you), many thanks!

    I'm going to read more of your great writing.

    Oh, isn't Wyoming where Devils Tower is...and where the Close Encounter of the Third Kind occurred... te-de-doo-da-dum!

  21. LOL...hope you are having a fun/ghost-free weekend...stopping by for a late VGNO.

  22. Hilarious and very well written post! I am the exact same way after I watch something scary.

  23. Love the underwear comment!! but D-oh, it reminds me that I need new undies. ALL my undies are not "my good underwear"!!

  24. Hahahahaha!

    Too funny.

    That's the reason why I don't watch those ghost hunter shows.

    Nice blog, btw. :)

  25. Wow...what a Superior Scribbler you are! I'm soooooooo happy you were the comment ahead of me at SITs today. Hope you feel better soon!

  26. HAHAHA That is awesome. I get paranoid when I watch shows like Unsolved Mysteries.

  27. You are the funniest writer! I love this. And I have had that freaking out in the middle of the night too!

  28. I love your blog. I just found it and I think it is great!

  29. I left something for you on my blog, and it isn't an award. Come see!

  30. Okay, let's just touch here on this point:

    I’m not wearing my good underwear so the aliens are going to think that something is wrong with me and try and drill my eye out.

    First, when have you EVER encountered aliens who scrutinize your underwear and then, on discovering they're not your good undies, threaten to drill your eye out? Hmmm? Didn't you watch Alien? They don't care about your underwear. Second, which eye?

  31. Too funny sweetie. This post reminds me of the time that I would watch LOST late at night and get scared of the reflections in the mirror!! Please don't tell anyone. K?

  32. What a breath of fresh air to read after such a long trip! And its so nice to see that I'm not the only one who is completely neurotic! Bwahahaha!

  33. Oh, I am such a wimp when it comes to scary shows, especially ghosts and spirits. I stopped watching and reading scary things along time ago, because I kept having scary dreams!

    Creative and Curious Kids!

  34. This is great! Stopping by from SITS!

  35. That's exactly why I don't watch those shows-they scare the pants off of me! When my kids were little and I was scared at night (because I stupidly watched something I KNEW was going to give me bad dreams, or because some creepy storm had blown our way) I used to go into the kids' rooms and gently shake them from their peaceful slumber. "Are you scared? Is the storm making you nervous? You can cuddle with me in my bed if you want." I don't know if it made them feel safer, but it did me: )

  36. This weekend I had the duty of accompanying our 25-YO daughter to the garage fridge for a soda.

    This translates to getting her a Pepsi cuz there might be bugs.

    Last night I viewed "The Messengers" through vent vision with the volume muted - so scary.

    My kids ALWAYS scare me when they come to my bedside.

    FYI; there were bugs in the garage, guarding the fridge and hogging all the soda.
    I ran back inside and recruited the son-in-law. He married her. It's his job now.

  37. Good Lord...aliens, ghosts...I'm the same way. Yet, I watch 'em...through a blanket;)

  38. Oh my gosh I am laughing so hard but I shouldn't be because this is SO me! I am such a baby, especially in the dark! My husband and brother tease me about this relentlessly. I refuse to go in my own basement alone, I certainly won't go in to other basements or attics, hate going outside alone at night (if my husband is out at night I have been known to call my next door neighbor to come outside with me when my dog has to go out!), and if the hubs is traveling every. flippin. light will be on at night! So what do I do? Same as all that scary crap then wonder why the heck I torture myself!!!

  39. I am laughing so hard that I am crying. And it is because I do the same thing to myself. I love those shows but they scare the crap out of me.

    You are just too fabulous!

  40. OMG Amber!!!! You're here too ;o)

    I'm glad I'm not the only OD-er that moonlights here (or do I moonlight at OD? I'm still not sure!)

    Imagine my surprise to receive your comment!
    Ha! Wonderful. Yay....I can add you to my blogroll here too.

    Hellooooooo btw ;o)

  41. LOL! I haven't been able to read blogs in over a week...this was my first stop and I am laughing so much I might just pee before I get this comment out! THANK YOU, I needed this.
    Also, we should form a scaredy-mama club because it sounds like alot of us do the same crazy shiz!
    ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! ;)

  42. Oh, this is great! I'm a very jumpy person, so I think that would really scare me...even if I had kids! Mirrors are what do me when I'm walking around my room in the dark. For whatever reason, I forget that the window is directly behind me when I face the bathroom mirror, thus my reflection shows up as a very dim shadow.

  43. So funny.. my husband makes me watch those shows with him because he knows what a chicken I am. Then he scares me all night long!

  44. Stopping by from SITS!

    I can't watch scary movies...they get to me also!

  45. Sooo I left you an award if you have time to stop by and grab it! hope you're having a marvelous monday!!


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