Wednesday, August 19, 2009

No More Alien Shows

“Don’t watch it. You know you’ll scare yourself,” my husband warned me in an ominous tone.

I grasped the remote control. I had just finished witnessing a houseguest on the reality show Big Brother have a meltdown and I was on the search for something else to watch. What I had found was a show on ABC called The Outsiders and it was all about people who had an alien experience.

“I’ll be fine,” I assured Tom. I gestured to the screen. “It’s not scary at all.” But then the narrator mentioned that there was a video of an alien looking through a window and that sent shivers up my spine.

“Amber. I know how you get,” Tom tried again.

“I’m fine,” I said firmly as I watched twins talk about being abducted.

“Well, I’m going to bed so you’re on your own,” Tom said, heading up the stairs.

Wait! You can’t go to bed or else I’ll freak out!

I nearly shouted that. But then I swallowed it back. No. I had to show Tom that I could handle this. I’m a grown adult for goodness sakes.

I followed Tom upstairs to tell him goodnight after pausing my show. DVR is one of the greatest inventions ever.

“Tom,” I said as he climbed under the covers. “Were you ever briefed about aliens when you joined the Air Force?” I have it in my head that because he helps defend nuclear missiles that perhaps he was briefed about the fact that the military does not set them off if an extraterrestrial comes down. I picture Tom and a bunch of other soldiers being taken to an underground room and being forced to sign papers that say that they will never ever tell the world that aliens do in fact exist.

“You know I couldn’t tell you either way,” is always Tom’s response.

I always try to search his face for telltale signs that he’s lying. He usually smirks when he’s lying. But when I talk about aliens he always turns stoic. So that either means that A) aliens do not exist, he was never briefed on such or thing or B) aliens do exist, he was briefed but he’s not going to spill any news.

“Look, just wink if aliens exist,” I pressed. “Then you’re technically not telling me.”

I stared intently at Tom’s face, waiting.

I thought I saw one of his lashes flinch and bounced on the bed. “I saw that! You winked!”

Tom frowned. “I did not.”

“You did, you did!”


Oh. Well.

“I think the military told you about aliens but you can’t say or else there would be a public hysteria or something,” I said diplomatically.

Tom shrugged. “Who knows?”

He’s frustrating. He’ll never let anything out.

I told him goodnight and went down to watch my show.

Everything was fine at first. But then one of the people on the show claimed he had an actual picture of an alien. Of course it looked fake and I tried to remind myself that it couldn’t be real—but then I glanced up at the little window near our front door and I swore I saw a face looking in.

“Leave me alone,” I squeaked, and curled up in a ball.

I turned off the show after that and put it on Chelsea Lately so I could laugh. This helped for awhile—until I realized I had to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer but I was too freaked out to walk into the laundry room because it was dark in there. The light switch is unfortunately not near the door so there was no way I was going in—suppose an alien was waiting for me?

When I went to bed I buried my head under the covers. I was about to drift off to sleep when…

The entire room started to shake.

They’re coming for me!

Then I realized it was just a train rumbling past our house.


When I woke up this morning there was a note from Tom:

“You left wet clothes in the washer!”

Yes. That’s so the alien wouldn’t abduct me.

Did he not watch Signs? Aliens like to LURK!


  1. How do I know you're not an alien in disguise? How do I know you're not trying to throw us off by your claims of aliens and that one of these days you plan to jump out and scare us all? I heard somewhere that there are already aliens in our world but whether thats true or not remains to be seen. I would prefer to say our insects, beetles, bees... worms... BUGS are the aliens. Theyre so killable!

  2. I guess it's nice to know that Tom can keep a secret...

  3. I swear this same conversation happened to me and my ex-military husband.

    You had me laughing so hard (again).

    And please tell Tom isn't it important not to tease the aliens by going into the laundry room at night. Helloo....scary movie no no right?

    Walk into dark room? NO.

    Go toward lurking figure in dark with hand stretched out towards it? NO.

    Wearing heels at the dumbest times? NO.

    Mmmmm...maybe this should be a post.


  4. I'm so with you on this one.

    I can't handle scary shows at all. I watched Signs years ago and it still freaks me out.

  5. LMBO.....of course not to be mean, but that was hilarious....of course there's least I believe....I've seen too many UFO shows to think otherwise....LOL...well if there were I guess we can't get it out of your hubby to tell, you'd think he would want the world to stay safe from those googly eyes creatures

  6. I can't watch anything scary especially slasher things. Don't like aliens either. They give me the creeps and then I can't sleep and then I'm cranky the next day and well it's just not worth it.

    Chelsea Lately. I do love her.

  7. I fool myself into thinking that I can handle it, then I find myself wondering if it's acceptable to pee in the kitchen sink rather than trek through the house to the dark bathroom, far away from anyone who could hear me screaming.

    The answer, I'm told, is 'grow up and don't you dare piss in my sink'.

    Ah well.

  8. I make it a point not to watch those shows when I'm home alone. LOL Don't you simply love Big Brother this season?!

  9. Bwahahahaha! Atleast I'm not the only one who, for instance, leaves the downstairs tv on all night because she couldn't walk up the stairs alone with total darkness and silence looming behind her. yeah.

  10. You and I belong together. Seriously. Between my Ax Murderer fear, and your Alien Fear, we make quite the team.

  11. You and I belong together. Seriously. Between my Ax Murderer fear, and your Alien Fear, we make quite the team.

  12. You and I belong together. Seriously. Between my Ax Murderer fear, and your Alien Fear, we make quite the team.

  13. My fear (and fascination) with Zombies is similar to yours with Aliens and coincidentally the subject of my post today.

    Those bastards (aliens/zombies) are always waiting to get you when your taking out the garbage at night.

  14. LOL ... I was JUST going to post about my dumb fear of zombies when I glanced at the commenter above me, and lo and behold - someone else who feels the same way!

    Anyway, I will watch any zombie movie that comes on TV, even though I know it'll scare the bejesus outta me and I'll watch the windows in an uber-paranoid manner for the next few hours. I'm such a dork.

  15. Well, at least Tom didn't say something like "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." ;-)

    I don't know how you did it, watching that alone! I would have been screaming for Kevin to come and walk me to bed!!!

  16. I'm the same way.

    I watched Independence Day a few weeks back and I seriously had my younger sister hang out with me until I fell asleep. I'm terrified of aliens. lol.

    And there was this one time a few years back when I was 16, I was at my at-the-time boyfriends house and we were laying in his bed. Behind his bed is this massive window, no shades or anything, you can see alot of the sky. We were watching a similar show to the one you were talking about, and I looked out the window and I swore I saw a UFO in the sky. So, I told him... I go "Ohmigawd.... Ben, I just saw a UFO!" And he just started taunting me over it, saying "They're coming to get you." He could've said that about anyone else and it wouldn't have gotten to me, but he had to say it about the aliens. He just kept saying it over and over again and about 5 minutes later, I'm huddled under his blanket bawling my eyes out. I was so scared. lol.

  17. I'm the same way, but even worse with ghost shows. I can't go anywhere in the dark for the next week. It makes going to the gym in the early am a terrifying expierence.

  18. I don't do scary shows! I get way to freaked out, and I dream about them. And then I end up looking like an alien myself the next day!

  19. ARGH! When I was young, my parents would watch Twilight Zone, and I would get totally creeped out for days. Now, the scariest thing I watch on TV is True Blood.

  20. I saw the special last night and wondered what kind of crazy dreams I was going to have last night. Luckily I was so exhausted I slept hard and don't remember a thing.

  21. Aliens are in my laundry room too...and in my exercise room and pretty sure the kitchen between 5-7 pm!

  22. so they exist?? and yeah, i totally scare myself at night... maybe one day i'll learn my lesson. but probably not!

  23. I love being scared (Uh, yeah I'm strange that way). This post just made me want to go rent a few DVD's this weekend. Paul is away on gigs. Perfect! I'll be alone and can watch it in peace. Of course I'll probably scream when Paul comes through the door at 3AM. (Hugs)Indigo

  24. If you consider those orange cone headed alien dudes that are ALL over...

    ...Please, invest in an aluminum foil hat!! I beg you!!!!!!!!!

  25. They DO exist...dun dun dun.

    Funny post! Ghosts are more my thing. ;)

  26. I'm not frightened nor do I believe that there are aliens from outer space. I do however tend to believe in the existence of the supernatural because of an incident my daughter and I had. I like to watch movies and TV shows that deal with such, hoping to see if anyone ever does have the same experience and has an explanation. I usually laugh at the movies and TV shows, but sometimes when alone, down in the basement or turning out the lights at night I will have flashbacks and creep myself out. :-)

    Have a beautiful day

  27. these shows always freak me out too! your husband sure is leading you on, huh!?

  28. Great conversational post again. Love 'em.
    Gee whiz, I never thought about aliens before I read this ..... think I'll leave the light on tonight :-(

  29. You dreamt of alien abuductions and I thought my house was on fire. ~sigh~ I think we need to watch more PBS.

  30. By the way... I am NOT scared of aliens. No. Nope, not me. Nah. You'll never catch me sitting in an arm chair, my hands clenching the armrests for dear life and my eyes flickering towards that dark, dark corner of the pantry. Nope, not me. Now, bugs.... I'll scream bloody murder. Oh wait, I'm the one who believes that bugs are aliens! Nevermind.

  31. You left wet clothes in the washer?? I think I would be in trouble if I was married to your hubby. My husband does not care what I get done around the house. I am sure the note was just a sweet gesture of love from him.

  32. Seriously... I could have written this!! I swear one day while taking a nap (the day after watching some alien special on the History channel... yeah I know... just laugh) I could have sworn aliens entered the house and were standing over my bed. Well, it may have been a dream, but it felt sooooo real that I couldn't wait for my husband to get home and it wasn't even dark out yet!

  33. I'm a firm believer that aliens do exist and the military is covering it up. We visited Roswell a couple of years ago. My husband doesn't believe, but I do. Something happened back then that the military is trying to cover up.

    As far as being scared watching something on TV, I can't watch a scary movie by myself. I have to hold someone's hand. :)


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