Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Stinky Husband

I was about to sink down on the couch and enjoy a rousing episode of Big Brother.

But then my husband Tom stuck his face at the screen part of the front door and shouted my name.

He scared me. Usually when he comes home from work he just walks through the door. I jumped three feet in the air and yelled, “What are you doing? Get in here!” I mean, he was just standing outside.

“Did you take a good look at me?” Tom asked, gesturing to himself.

Oh lord. If this was a sexual thing I didn’t have the patience for it. I just wanted to watch my show. That’s all.

But still, I headed over out of sheer curiosity.

And this is when I smelled it.

And saw it.

I realized Tom was drenched and he reeked like a rotten hot dog. I could see the stains from ketchup and mustard against his uniform and what looked like remnants of mayonnaise in his hair.

“What the HELL?” I boomed, gripping the door handle. There was no way he was coming inside looking (and smelling) like that.

“It was my last day on flight,” Tom reminded me with a shrug. “On your last day, you get pummeled.”

Ew. Ew. Ew.

“You reek! I can smell you through the door,” I said, pinching my nose.

Tom just looked pleased with himself. “Oh, that’s probably the sauerkraut.”


Okay. Tom was NEVER coming inside.

“Why did you let them do that to you?” I demanded. I mean, couldn’t he have said no thanks, I’d rather not have sauerkraut and relish rubbed on me? I would have. And if they had insisted on throwing things at me I’d scream, “LAWSUIT! LAWWWWSUIT!” at the top of my lungs.

“It doesn’t bother me,” Tom said nonchalantly. “Everyone goes through it. If you don’t, you’re a loser.”

I sighed. “Then be a loser! Who cares?” Seriously. No one will ever toss condiments on me without a fight.

Tom just grinned. “It doesn’t bother me,” he repeated.

“It’ll bother you when you learn that you’re sleeping outside!” I shrieked as the theme song for my show began on the TV. Crap. I was missing it because my husband decided to bathe in ketchup. Fantastic.

“I’m going to hose myself off,” Tom assured me. “Could you just take my beret inside? Don’t worry, it didn’t get messy,” he added when he saw me wince.

I cautiously opened the door as though I were worried that Tom would suddenly gather me into his arms and force me to breathe in his disgusting wet dog scent. The blast of all the ketchup, and mustard, and relish, and sauerkraut hit my nostrils and I nearly gagged. It was awful.

I grabbed Tom’s beret and hurried away. Then I grabbed a bottle of Febreze and rushed back outside, holding my breath.

“What are you DOING?” Tom yelled as I sprayed him with the lovely lavender smell.

“Trying to mask your scent!” I shouted.

“That’s why I’m HOSING MYSELF OFF!” Tom bellowed as the Febreze rained down on him.

“Not good enough!” I sang cheerfully as I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed.

I imagine we looked amusing standing out there in the front lawn. Tom was trying to hose himself off and trying to get away from the Febreze at the same time. So it was some strange song and dance we were doing with Tom darted to and fro, and me trying to keep up with him and Tom shrieking at me to CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT, THE HOSE WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT!

One of our neighbors walked past with his dog and gave us a startled look.

“Hi,” I said as I continued to spritz my husband. “Lovely night, isn’t it?”

I eventually allowed Tom in the house after I felt he was clean enough.

“I smell like a girl now, thanks,” he grumbled as he headed for the shower.

“No problem!” I chirped sweetly and gave him one last Febreze spray for good measure.


  1. Hilarious-- I can just see you chasing him with the Febreze! I wonder how many marriages that stuff has saved?

    BTW, I just referenced your post of a couple of days ago (men's hearing) on my blog, funnyisthenewyoung.com. I included the link to your very funny post, and I hope it brings you some additional traffic. Just wanted you to have the heads up from me.

    Keep writing—I so enjoy your blog!

    Best regards,


  2. LOL, he didn't throw up? His comrades actually rubbed all that crap on him?!

    I love your fabreze tactic! I need to get me a bottle!

  3. At least he tried to rinse himself off; my hubs would have stripped to his unders.

  4. I'm with Brandy - we may have risked some front lawn nudity... Men.

  5. Boys are silly. Febreze is awesome.

    My hubs would've not only come in, he probably would've laid on the couch.

  6. I would have walked into the backyard stripped down to my skivvies and walked in through the back door and gone straight for a shower.

  7. My hub's a cowpoke. You wouldn't believe the crap he comes home covered in. lol

  8. I'm with Strange! My hubby is a farm boy, and boy does he stink when he comes home! Gotta love the Febreeze!

  9. My imagination is running wild and I am getting sick to my stomach with all the scents entering my nostrils.

  10. Who doesn't like the scent of Febreeze? Especially in place of MUSTARD. I hate the sight of it.

  11. Pummeling? Never heard of it! Okay Febreezing your husband? That's a first!

  12. Apparently when you're a guy it's not ok to say no when someone wants to cover you in condiments, but a little lavender Febreze is unacceptable. I will never understand! LOL!

  13. I can't even leave a coherent comment because I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF and there are tears streaming down my face!!!

  14. hahaha! i love it!
    i would be so bored without your stories!
    the best part is they are all true stories...my life is so boring and non-eventful! ha!
    are you still writing a book?! ;)

  15. I had no idea that Febreze worked on people. Good to know, good to know.

  16. Ugh - I remember when Curtis went through that (it must be an Air Force-wide thing). He was gross when he got home too. But damn it, I didn't think of Febrezing him. :)

  17. Fabreze makes the world go round!!

    Sassy Chica

  18. Oh, sweet Mary. I wouldn't have wanted to let him in, either!

    And this?

    "No one will ever toss condiments on me without a fight"


  19. Awesome~

    You should have insisted he go through the car wash

  20. Sauerkraut is so gross.... ugh..... X-P

  21. Man you guys have way too much fun are you sure Montana is ready for you two!

  22. hahaaa! nice!! i love the smell of febreeze! don't men know it's an aphrodisiac?

  23. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way!" has been bouncing around in my head all morning...


  24. I hate Febreeze. I love saurakraut. He shoulda stripped. :D Great story! and now I gotta catch up on Big Brother cause I missed it too cause of the teen.

  25. LOL I can just PICTURE the two of you on the front lawn doing that and the funny look on the neighbor's face as they walk by! Thanks for sharing! Have a great rest of the week!

    Hugs, Trac~ :o)

  26. Ahh! Those military men and their antics. Very cute story! Stopped in to say hello from SITS. Have a fab Wednesday!

  27. I have been known to Febreze kids and dogs(if need be). When I get the bottle out they all go running.

  28. I bet your neighbors just pull up chairs and sit outside at night to watch the action at your house! They probably even have a bowl of popcorn on hand! LOL!

    Febreze - who knew? Does that work on farting husbands?

  29. What I want to know is.... did he drive the car in that state?
    This was a brilliant lesson on how to use Fabreze lol.

  30. men are really DUMB....good idea with the Febreze though

  31. I learned something new today! I would have never thought to sprits the hubs with febreeze when he stinks. Now when he comes home after working 32 hour shifts and wants to sit on the couch in all his funkiness I can just febreeze him. Thanks for the great tip, and the laugh.

    (you should send this to Febreeze, it would make a great commercial)

  32. haha!!! so funny... and this brings back some great memories! on the day my hubby was being honorably discharged from the army... yea.. he totally went through something like this! he drove all the way home in his truck and for weeks i couldn't step inside of it!!

  33. Oh my God! I can't believe you attacked him with the Febreeze! Awesome!

  34. This visual of you spraying him with febreze cracked me up! Moments like these don't come around very often. So you gotta love them when they do! Sauerkraut and all!

  35. WOW!!! Now that is a hazing like I've never seen! HILARIOUS!!!

  36. I'm really glad I'm in the Coast Guard right now...

  37. oh ew ew... condiments mixed together make a vile synthetic vomit, i can only imagine...


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