Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Broken Headphones

So there I was, minding my own business as I vacuumed. I may have even been singing. Off key, naturally, but at least no one else could hear thanks to the roar of the vacuum.

I started cleaning around the computer desk and made a face when I came across one of Tom’s toenails. I’m sorry, but that’s disgusting. You don’t pick your nails and then toss it on the ground. I also sucked up various crumbs—those didn’t just belong to Tom. I admit, I’m not the neatest eater so some of those crumbs—mmm, one came from a Swiss Cake Roll—were mine.

And then it happened. The vacuum got too close to the cords that Tom leaves out on the floor and sucked one up. I heard the sickening snapping sound and knew that it was probably a goner.

“NOOOOO!” I shouted, dramatically dropping to my knees. I knew exactly what the cord was from: the headphones that Tom uses to play his online game. And these aren’t just regular earphones: these are microphone earphones so he can converse with other players. If they were regular earphones then it wouldn’t have been a problem: I have a set that I found for Target for 75% off waiting in the closet. But these were his special earphones.


I thought maybe, just maybe, that the cord would be okay.

I started pulling the cord out gently and then saw that oops, it had totally broken apart.


For a brief second I went, “Maybe I could TAPE it back together,” but I quickly realized that was a silly idea.

I knew I had to call Tom. I knew waiting until he saw the headphones on his own was a bad idea.

Maybe I could blame it on Natalie! And when Tom discovers the broken headphones I can be all, ‘That silly girl!’”

Of course then Natalie would be a mini Hercules if she could yank apart the cord. And then suppose Tom thinks she’s super strong and enters her in a Strong Baby contest and is baffled when Natalie can’t pull apart the string. He’ll be all, “But she ripped my cord with her bare hands!” and I’ll have to admit what I’ve done…

So I knew I had to tell him. I pulled out my cell phone and sent him a text message since he was still at work:

I broke ur headphones...I love u!

Five minutes later the phone rang.

It was Tom.

“Well hi there, handsome!” I said cheerfully.

“Did you break my headphones?” Tom demanded.

“Me? I didn’t break them per say. The vacuum did. That darn Dyson with all its massive vacuum strength,” I babbled.

“Are my headphones broken?” Tom tried again.

I sucked in my breath. “Well....” I stared at the shriveled cord. “Yes..”

Tom sighed. “I have a game planned tonight. I need those.”

I swallowed. “Well…”

“You owe me,” Tom fumed.

What does THAT mean? Sex, probably.

“Of course, of course,” I agreed. “Look, I’m going to the store tomorrow, I can pick you up another set.”

“Do you know what set I need?” Tom wondered.

Well. “Headphones. With a microphone!” I said happily.

Tom groaned. “You can’t just get any headphones with a microphone,” he told me.

You can’t?

“You can’t?” I asked.

“No. You can’t. You don’t know which ones I need. The ones that I had probably aren’t even made anymore. You don’t know what to look for,” Tom complained.

“So tell me! Let me find a piece of paper and a pen and you can tell me,” I said and then looked around for some paper and a pen. I really need to clean our kitchen counters. It’s piled with old mail and coupons and…what in the world? Is that an Andes Mint? Mmmm, Andes Mints…

“Look, we’ll just go to the store when I get home from work. I need the headphones tonight,” Tom said. “And you owe me,” he said again before he hang up.

So we went to the store when he came home and he couldn’t find what he needed. I found a pair of headphones and went, “Here you go!” and he looked them over and said, “Not what I need, Amber…”

“ has a microphone and it says it’s for gaming,” I said, pointing to the box.

“These aren’t right,” Tom argued.

He’s probably going to order a set online. When we got home he messaged his friends and said he wouldn’t be on his game for awhile. (I imagine he typed: “Wife Broke Headphone. Wife Owes Me. Wink Wink”)

And then he came and sat on the couch and stared at me because he needed to be entertained.

“Isn’t this a good show?” I asked, gesturing to the TV, hoping that he’d stop staring. And then when he wasn’t staring he’d be pacing the room as though he were searching for something. He’d pad into the kitchen, come back out into the living room, circle the living room, go back into the kitchen, head down the hall, come back into the kitchen and into the living room and back to the couch....where he’d sit and stare for a bit and then he’d get up and do the pacing thing all over again.

“What IS this show?” Tom wondered, making a face.

I was watching 18 Kids and Counting and was wondering how Michelle’s uterus hasn’t fallen out yet.

“You know. It’s about that family with all the kids.”

Tom looked horrified. “I’d lose my mind if I had all those kids.”

And then he got up and started to pace again.

We need those headphones.



  1. My husband has done that before, left his toe nail on the floor in the bathroom. So so disgusting!!!! I've told him about it and just the thought of it makes me cringe and become so grossed out! Why not just throw it in the trash?! Like you, I am also passionate about that one I guess!

    ps. I gave you a bloggy award! Its on my blog:)

  2. I totally did that with my USB cable for pictures. Boo.

  3. Those damn Dyson's. Mine almost sucked up an entire rug the other day and it makes the most awful noise when it snags something. I still love it though!

  4. Oh no! Those darn vacuums don't know when to stop sucking:P

  5. Um . . . Excuse me??? You owe HIM??? Um . . . Hello?! If he hadn't left his headphones on the floor, you wouldn't have run them over with the vacuum. His bad. Not yours. He should owe you for the undo mental stress it caused you when you discovered the headphones were broken. Ta da! All better. Hope you're having a great day! :)

  6. Looks like a little soldiering iron and some black electrical tape ought to do it... and maybe a screw driver if the black box needs to be pried apart..

    I'm with Meeko though... they don't and didn't belong on the floor -

  7. I hate that sound of a vacuum gone wild! It never results in good things.

  8. haha! so funny... men are nothing if not little ones at heart!!!

    btw- i too hate the sound of the vacuum eating something that i'm pretty sure is important... oh yea! that's a baaaa-aaad feeling!!!

  9. Totally his fault. :D Free shopping pass for you!

  10. OMG - i hate the dreaded "you owe me"'re right! it was more than implied to be a sexual thing. HAHAHA. phewwww, i'm not the only one!

  11. So let me guess. . .

    The show with the 18 kids was like instant birth control and he lost all interest in sex, right???

    Damn, you're good!

  12. Amber
    I too had a cord molested and spit out by a vacuum.
    Trouble is, I am not sure exactly what that cord went to... it plugged into the back of the dinosaur...uh, desktop in my office but everything seems to be working okay. I guess.
    That was the plug that allowed me to create witty and monumentous posts and comment with wise snarky remarks.
    No wonder.

  13. Oh I'd be dead if I broke the hubster's video game microphone headset thingy! You're lucky you're alive right now!

  14. GACK. I'd be murdered dead. Wow. Although, Dave wouldn't notice for awhile, which would buy me some plausible deniability time. Like, "I don't KNOW where your headphones are, baby!"

  15. I hate when stuff like that happens.

    Nobody notices that the floor magically gets vacuumed, but as soon as something goes wrong all heck breaks lose.

    Hope you get those headphones soon.

  16. I lost my camera cleaning, I went to push it aside and it ended up in the dog bowl. Digital doesn't hold up so good once it's been submerged.

    You know Pickles (The working dog wonder) paces like Tom did when she's angry. She at least gets over it. (Hugs)Indigo

  17. You crack me up. I always wonder that about Michelle too. Weird.

  18. Vacuums are scary creatures. I'm just saying.

  19. He's obviously getting testy. First his truck now his headphones.

  20. I too have been schooled in the importance of headphones. Trust me. I am married to a WoW gamer.

  21. Hi freaking larious : )

    I hope you get new ones ASAP! This is serious! : )

  22. So go out and buy him new ones pronto before you owe him even more stuff!

  23. The former maid sucked up my power cord to my laptop in my dyson and then tried to hide it! Yeah, I'd never notice. No more maid, at least you aren't fired...hey, maybe you should be fired from cleaning and need a maid.....its a thought!

  24. Oh my gosh, I can SO see myself doing that...and it ending similarly!

  25. I hate things like this happen.
    I totallyndid that with my usb cable of my picks.
    Thanks for stopping by,and i wanted to say that i' d love if we both linked each other:)
    Have a great day!

  26. Yup. That would be me. Visiting from SITS. Have a great day!!!

  27. I love that you sing and vacuum at the same time, me too. And I also randomly vacuum anything that gets in my way. Luckily my vacuum sucks, or rather doesn't, so no gadgets are injured in the cleaning of my apartment.

  28. Hi, just stopped by via Pat's blog and I have to agree with Meeko - he left them on the floor - and all's fair in love and vacuum. :-)

  29. This is how the conversation would have went with my husband:
    "you left your stupid headphones lying about again, and now they are broken! I wasted precious minutes pulling the thing out from the hoover and all because you couldn't pick them up, nooooo, but instead, tossed them on the floor. Do we LOOK like we're made of money? Mumble, frk, blech".


  30. Ahhh...thats what you get for cleaning the floor. Note to stop doing chores now!

  31. I have had wild fantasies about vacuuming his XBOX headphones. He gets crazy with his football games, yelling at those 13 year old kids skipping school. Ridiculous.

  32. You should order two pairs. You know just in case it happens again.

  33. You know...some people might do this intentionally.

    Clearly, that is not the case here. If he finds them, order at least 2 more. You never know when he might break them, and then he can owe you!

  34. Oh mah Lord, woman, bless you. I could not DEAL!!!!! My husband's only obsession right now is McDonald's Monopoly. But hey, it gets me out of cooking dinner a few nights a week so I keep my mouth shut about all the time he spends sorting his stickers and entering codes online. Men...

  35. Did you know that if you mouth the word "vacuum" it looks the same as "fuck you"? Seriously. Look in the mirror and do it. See? Vacuum = fuck you. Coincidence? I think not.

    Moral of the story? I think the vacuum was trying to fuck you over. Ergo, you should not vacuum. Save it for Tom. It was his fault that he left his stupid headphone on the floor anyway.

    I hope you didn't give in to sex, even though I take it when I can get it. I'm just saying.....

    :) Love you blog

  36. Aw geez, men act like it's the end of the world if something happens to their precious gaming equipment.

  37. You might want to consider watching more ESPN or History or SciFi (whatever is his thing) until the new headphones arrive. Not because you owe him or anything. But it will probably distract him and improve his mood. 18 and Counting is only going to remind him of what else he could be doing.

  38. Oh, poor Tom. I remember when my computer imploded and I had to use Rob's laptop. The one he bought specifically for gaiming? He was calling people and telling them all about it - all forlorn and sad. He's say "She's using my $3,000 GAMING laptop to do data entry. It's just so wrong." And punctuate it with a big dramatic sigh.

    He got his laptop back and I got a stripped down lame laptop. All is right in his world again.

    DOh - and how come when *I* say "You owe me." to Rob it means something like - YOU bathe the boys after spaghetti tonight or that HE has to clean the kitchen or something but when I owe HIM something it's always sex? WHy can't he just be happy that I cleaned the bathroom or as me to go check the air pressure in the tires or something?

  39. FOr the record, I can spell I just can't type with a toddler crawlign on me and stealing my mouse.

  40. "That darn Dyson with all its massive vacuum strength"

    ahhaaahaa! This is what my husband would say!

  41. I don't like the noise of the vacuum cleaner, so I changed a lot of the vacuum after a period of use. And now I have searched all of vacuums but I did not find one that is really quiet. Do you know such a vacuum cleaner?


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