Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Columbus Day Rants

I’m writing this Monday night.

And I’m annoyed.

Tom was off today thanks to Christopher Columbus. Tommy was off today thanks to Christopher Columbus. Natalie was....well, Natalie was here seeing as she’s only two.

But still. At the moment I can’t help but be a tad irritated at Mr. Columbus.

My husband Tom was stretched out on the couch watching Hi Hao, Kai-Lan with Natalie earlier. He felt the need to answer the television. For instance, Kai-Lan just asked if we wanted to learn a Chinese word. Tom went, “No thanks. No. Not at all.”

Then Kai-Lan asked us why we thought Tolee was upset. Or was in Rintoo? I don’t know. One of the animals on the show was seriously pitching a fit.

“Duh! He’s upset because he can’t roller skate!” Tom shouted. “Amber, is this show serious?”

I had to remind him that the show is intended for children.

Kai-Lan asked what we could do to make Tolee happy.

“Take the skates away and tell the little sh—” Tom began.

“TOM!” I admonished. “You can’t curse in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n.”

“Children! Why did you spell children?” Tommy wondered.

It really is so much fun now that he’s learning to spell.

Tom frowned. “What I meant to say is…just take the skates away from him! Not everyone can skate. It’s okay, really.”

But obviously the show was about the importance of practicing to get better so Tolee had to keep trying.

Tom was about to open his mouth to say something else but I went, “Look. If you say one more thing about the show I’m switching it to Yo Gabba Gabba.”

That shut him right up because Yo Gabba Gabba frightens him. In fact, at first he thought I was yanking his leg when I put on the program.

“This is on Comedy Central, right? Making fun of extreme children’s programming?” Tom asked as he walked in the room and saw the creatures singing about a party in their tummies.

“No Tom. It’s a real children’s show,” I had said.

Tom stared at me in disbelief. “No it’s not! It’s on Comedy Central! A children’s show wouldn’t have a diseased dildo as a character,” he said, pointing out Muno who I’m sorry, does sort of resemble the male genitalia.

He eventually realized that Yo Gabba Gabba was a real show. And I forced him to watch it before.

And now he’s still traumatized.

So when I threatened to put on Yo Gabba Gabba, he shut his mouth.

Then later Tommy didn’t want to do his homework. Technically, it’s not homework. It’s just some classwork that he didn’t get to finish because he’s pulled out of his regular classroom to the resource room for reading and math. Still, I tell him that he needs to finish his classwork and he was not pleased with this.

“My teacher said I didn’t have to bring it back!” he kept whining.

I rubbed my temples. My head was starting to throb. At that point after being in the house with no breathing space I was beginning to lose my patience.

“Just finish the work, Tommy. It’s important to finish what you start,” I said through clenched teeth.

He did it, but when he was done he looked me in the eye and went, “I’m not your son anymore,” before stomping up to his room.

I put my head in my hands and groaned. Then Natalie came up and tapped me on the arm. “Mommy? I pooped,” she said sweetly. I lifted up my head and peered at her. “Go ask Daddy to take care of it.”

“Okay,” Natalie said and rushed off to Tom. “Daddy! I pooped!”

And then I heard HIM say, “Go tell Mommy.”

Are you KIDDING me?

What I wanted to do was scream, “I just need five minutes to myself. JUST FIVE MINUTES!” But I didn’t. I changed the diaper. I shot Tom dirty looks while doing it. Then I went to unload the dishwasher. And while I was bending down to retrieve the silverware, Tom was suddenly behind me, humping my back.

I don’t get it. Whenever I bend over he’s always there humping my back. Does he sense when I’ve bent over? Is it like a Spidey sense? Like, do men suddenly get an alarm in their brain that goes, “Alert! Alert! Ass in the air. I repeat: ASS IN THE AIR!”

“Tom. Please,” I said, pushing his gyrating hips away. “Not in the mood.”

“What else is new?” Tom grumbled.


I can’t help that I’m tired. And at that point I was moody because I just needed a little bit of quiet time. I barely get it now since Natalie has been refusing her naps. I used to get two hours of peace. But not anymore.

“Just turn the TV on for her if you want quiet,” is Tom’s suggestion.

But I don’t like to just shove my kids in front of the television. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-television. No way. Without television I don’t think I’d get a thing done. The kids usually get to watch at least two hours a day and even then I imagine the American Association of Pediatrics would like to pound on my door, reminding me that kids should only get ONE HOUR of television per day and shame on me.

Anyhow, now everyone is in bed and I’m enjoying my quiet time.

I get to watch television without being interrupted!

I can check my e-mail without someone hanging over my shoulder.

I get to—


Natalie is crying.



  1. Aw, Amber! Your misery made me giggle, does that make me a bad person?

  2. I'm just glad it was a pseudo-holiday like Columbus Day. If that were Thanksgiving, you'd have just had to tell all three of them to bite you. ;)

  3. Tom isn't alone with his Muno the sex toy thing.

    Seems he could be a tad more helpful...he might get more results from the eye waggles and the bend over bumpings that way.

    I didn't get Columbus Day off... seems like its an odd holiday.

  4. I don't know how you do it . . . I would have gone postal a long time ago. You should disappear for a day on one of Tom's days off. Go to a spa all by yourself. Shut off your cell phone and let him figure it out. Maybe then he'll appreciate you.

  5. When will men realize that if they are a bit more helpful (i.e. changing the diaper or saying "let me unload the dishwasher) that we might be more in the mood for the gyrating hips! There is nothing sexier than a man doing a load of laundry or unloading a dishwasher. It really is simple...they just don't get it!

  6. love the diseased dildo comparison re: yo gabba gabba. i just can't get past that show, i just CANNOT.

    as for the rest, it sounds just like our house: the spelling things, the kids parked in front of the tv more than they should be, and husbands trying to get laid.

    no wonder we're so tired--- we're moms!

  7. I just came across your blog and I seriously had to bite my lip to keep from busting out laughing (sshhh...I'm at work on a conference call). I am sorry that you had such a rough day but thank you from brightening mine!

  8. wooo saaa ... oh wait that crap never worked for me. i was right there with you though! where is the I-Do-It-All-And-I-Don't-Get-Paid Day???

  9. LOL! Amber, you crack me up every time you blog. Seriously. So yeah, I hear you with the whole Mommy-needs-QUIET-time thing! Now I'm getting the kids up at 6 to take the oldest to school and the other two now refuse to nap. What's up with that?! Now they go to bed at 7 and I'm.. well.. I'm pretty much ready for bed then, too. Sad.

    Oh, and I totally thought this would be about the mail not coming and getting no packages on Columbus Day!

  10. LOL:) I think our husbands learned that hump on the back thing from the same teacher!

  11. i'm sorry... but i just sooo had to laugh!

  12. OMG - i swear fo' god that your Tom and my TK are soulmates. I SWEAR! however - I have turned the tables on him. (re: hip gyration) I do the EXACT same thing to him, that he does to me. and ONLY at the most inoportune times. i.e. when he's playing Halo, when its the 4th quarter, 3 minutes left of WHATEVER game is on, when he's BBQing. take advantage!!!! they'll stop...well, I lie. they dont actually stop - it just becomes less frequent!

  13. You guys make me laugh. And Yo Gabba Gabba should come with mood enhancers, because seriously those guys are on something.

  14. It must be a man thing, the humping from behind. It always happens to me at the kitchen sink (I'm sure if we had a dishwasher it would happen there too!).

    My hubby was home on Monday too and threw my whole day out of whack!

    Good thing Tuesday is another day!

  15. Yep, I remember those days.

    When I was teaching I called Columbus Day, "The Day Columbus Accidentally Thought He Stumbled Into India Day"

  16. Oh, sweetie. It does get better (a little...) But the humping never ends...

  17. Next time he bends over push him over....he'll get the hint.

    Sorry to laugh at your distress but you do write it well.

  18. Darn kids. Oh, and the kids under 30, too.

  19. lol....ahhh the life of a mother. i'm with ya sister!!! we don't get columbus off here...THANK GOODNESS!!

  20. And to think. . . yesterday I almost wrote a post oozing with thanks to Christopher Columbus, 'cause I was off from work and Ponzi and Drip Dry weren't!

  21. Next time the kid hassles you about the homework tell him to take it to his room to finish. Do not come out until it is done!! Then, you do not have to listen to the whining...

    they will be out of your hair tomorrow!! YEAH!!

    Is the snow still there? Or did it melt?

  22. What is it with men and humping when we bed over? They are like damn horny dogs with the one female dog on the block that isnt interested in them....take her while she isnt paying attention

  23. The American Association of Pediatrics would have to come to my house first, because my kids watch entirely too much TV. And I'd stall them so when they came to yours, your TV would be off and you could be all, "We think TV is evil."

    I definitely feel your pain with this post ... right down to the back-humping!

  24. My husband has a sensor that goes off when I unhook my bra. I am trying to change into pajamas and then he is suddenly there trying to cop a feel. What is WITH these guys?!
    My kid has been home for FIVE days due to teacher meetings and good ole Columbus, but at least my husband still had to work. haha!

  25. Listen - as soon as Tom was watching TV with the kids, you should have run upstairs and locked yourself into the bathroom. Pretend you were doing a "PIP" or something. Better yet, run yourself a nice warm bath. Tom would have had to deal with poopy pants, right? Then you could have slipped on some flannel pj's. That's not too appealing to Tom, is it? Or could you wear a potato sack and he'd still hear porn music in the background?

  26. 'i'm not your son anymore' where do they get this stuff?? Lol.

  27. Crap, now I have to find Yo Gabba Gabba just to check out the dildo character...

    Yeah, my husband has that same kind of radar for when you take off your bra. (TMI-- God, please don't let my kids see this comment!)

    So because I love your blog, I gave you an award today-- come on over and check it out. I can't promise you peace and quiet, but I can offer you some great coffee!

  28. Diseased dildo! That's too funny. Sorry you had such a crappy day. My kids weren't off for Columbus Day, and even better, neither was my husband.

  29. that is always what happens to me. I just sit down and then whaaaaaa.

  30. Yes! I swear to all that is holy men sense when their woman has her ass in the air!

    Hope today was better!

  31. MUNO is TALL and FRIENDLY! He is NOT a SEX TOY! You just ruined my GabbaGabba innocence!
    *runs away crying*

  32. So the good news is that there are no more holidays this month. That's worth something, right? I am so curious now about Yo Gabba Gabba I'm gonna have to look it up. Tomorrow is a new day and they'll all be gone :)

  33. OMG, thanks for admitting all or husbands are just dirty, dirty bastards. No help whatsoever but as soon as you bend over in the kitchen they are right there behind you!

    My husband thinks it's hilarious. I think he's an idiot.

  34. I hear ya girlfriend - I hate it when my hubby is home and the kids and I are all home at the same time as well - sometimes it just TOO CRAZY and I try to pawn them off somewhere together so I can get just FIVE minutes of PEACE AND QUIET to myself - UGH! And regarding the a** in the air and the humping husband - it MUST be a male thing - mine is the SAME.EXACT.WAY! ARGH!!!

  35. And then I heard HIM say, “Go tell Mommy.”

    Are you KIDDING me?

    Oh Tom...this is a NO NO!

  36. I agree that you should take a spa day when he has a day off. Or just a "Me Day" and go walk around Target by yourself. :)

  37. Yo Gabba Gabba IS frightening!! WTF is *that* show about?

  38. didn't you get the memo - moms don't get 5 minutes to themselves

  39. Mr. Columbus ruined my day too. Mike (works for DHS 300 miles away) was home on my monday, my get started day. he was like, come sit on the couch and snuggle with me, lets watch football.. do you see my to do list. go to work please.. freakin mr columbus...

  40. I? Could have written this myself. Except for that bizarre children's show you mentioned. Never heard of it. Heard of Yo Gabba Gabba but we don't watch that. Only because I don't like Nickelodeon, so we always have PBS or Disney on. Not because I'm "above" cartoons. Because as much as I joke that my only friends are inside my laptop? My toddler's only friends are inside the TV. *sigh*

    Want to talk about losing your private time? My toddler and my 4-month-old now tag team midday. One goes to sleep, one wakes up. Thanks a lot kids...

  41. This part:

    I don’t get it. Whenever I bend over he’s always there humping my back. Does he sense when I’ve bent over? Is it like a Spidey sense? Like, do men suddenly get an alarm in their brain that goes, “Alert! Alert! Ass in the air. I repeat: ASS IN THE AIR!”

    Had me laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Honestly my husband does the same thing. LOL!

  42. The humping your back had me laughing. It is a spidey sense!

    I have humping rabbits. Jon is learning that humping is a "doitatyourownrisk" activity. James wanted to sleep with us last night. At 4am, the kid climbed back into his bed and while there I checked on Jesse. She had peed her bed. She had pulled her blankets over the wet spot and was sleeping away, sans pants and undies. I let her sleep. :S Just covered her up. Figured two hours wasn't going to kill her.

  43. Seriously. I've always wondered if there was some homing device or something for whenever I was bent over the dishwasher. Thanks for confirming it.


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