Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I'm Not Vern

So yesterday I had to go to the grocery store.

It’s normally not busy at all.

But was packed. I couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t payday.

Then I got excited.

Maybe they were having a sale!

I love sales.

I got inside and looked around. There was no sale.

So…what was everyone doing there?

I pulled my list out and started walking down the aisles. There were people everywhere! One old lady crashed her cart into the back of my ankles and called me Vern. She was all, “Vern, grab some green beans,” as she stared down at her list and I just quickly walked away with throbbing feet.

Who were all these people?

I swear, I usually always go grocery shopping on Tuesday and it’s never been that bad.

Was there a celebrity signing?

I craned my neck and didn’t see anyone.

I mean, I thought I spotted Michelle Duggar but it wasn’t her after all.

At least Tom wasn’t with me. Crowded areas make him nervous. And then he’ll start going into one of his rants where he’ll say things like, “There are too many people in the world. There should be a limit of 2 kids each and that’s it!”

I’m not a fan of crowds either but I deal with it.

I got crashed into two more times. But at least I wasn’t called Vern again.

As I was throwing hot dogs into the cart, an old lady saddled up beside me and was stretching to reach some sausage on the top shelf.

“Do you need help?” I asked kindly.

I thought she’d be all, “Oh, thank you! Young people rock!”

Instead she looked me up and down and went, “You’re no taller than I am! What help will you be?”



For the record, I could have reached the top shelf. And if I couldn’t, I throw products at the item I want until it falls down. I’ve done this before. Or I swing my purse around until the thing I want is within my reach. My purse can be used as an oversized claw, you see.

Anyhow, a guy overheard the woman and went, “I’ll help you.”

But the woman glared at him and went, “You’re not tall either! Is this base full of short people or what?”

Goodness me. The guy actually looked like he wanted to throw the sausage at her. But instead he calmly reached over, grabbed the sausage she had been reaching for and handed it over.

“I’m tall enough,” he said, winking at her before he walked away.

I heard the old lady mutter, “You’re pretty short,” as I left.

Then came the long line. It was stretched to the back of the store.

Seriously, what was UP?

I found out my answer.

It turns out people were in a panic over the snowstorm that we’re supposed to have and they all rushed to the store for food.

I kept Natalie entertained by giving her my cell phone. One time she locked me out of it and I had no idea how to unlock it. I figured out how in the end but now I forget what I did.

When we finally made it to the register, I was relieved. And hungry. My stomach kept growling which is probably why I threw in that King Sized Butterfinger bar.

Mmmmm. Butterfinger.

The cashier recognized me and started cooing at Natalie, who promptly covered her face.

“Why does she always do that? She’s seen me plenty of times. It’s ME, darling!” the lady shouted as though this should mean something.

I wanted to say, “I don’t know, Lady. Maybe your blue hair throws her off. She doesn’t know if you’re a human being or a Smurf.”

“Looks like you’re making some good stuff,” the cashier said conversationally as she scanned my items.

I nodded. “Yup. My mother-in-law is coming to visit Friday for a few days.”

The cashier abruptly stopped and looked at me with round eyes. “Your mother-in-law? My sympathies.”

“Oh. No, it’s okay. I like my mother-in-law. We get along,” I added, because the cashier had recoiled when I had said that I liked my mother-in-law as though she had never heard such a thing.

“I don’t get along with mine,” the cashier said, resuming in scanning my things.

“That’s too bad,” I answered.

The cashier shrugged. “At least she lives in Florida. So she doesn’t come here often because heaven forbid if it were to snow. She’d flip out. Then she has this irritating yap yap dog that she refuses to leave and I’m sorry, I don’t want that thing running around the inside of my car.”

“Oh,” was all I could think of to say as I paid for the groceries with my debit card.

“Well, good luck with the visit. I know you said you guys get along but you just never know with mother-in-laws,” the cashier said, handing over my receipt.

“Everything will be great,” I assured her.

She didn’t look convinced.

But really. I’m looking forward on seeing my mother-in-law.

Did I mention that she’s a really good cook?

I imagine when Tom married me and figured out that I was an awful cook that he wanted to be like, “Erm. Can I have my Mom back?”


  1. What is it with old people?! Aren't they supposed to be nice and grand-parent-ly? Nope. They're all bitter and angry. I don't get it.

  2. Don't people keep any food in their houses anymore? What are refrigerators and freezers and pantry shelves for?

    :) I'm doing by Andy Rooney voice... can you tell?

    Hope your Mom-in-law and you have a blast!

  3. Brings back nightmares of working in the grocery store, everyone panics when it's going to snow.

  4. I get along just fine with my MIL too! She's great! Whenever I tell people that, they always give me the stink eye. I don't know why that's so hard to believe and why it's so uncommon for a women to actually get along with their MIL.

  5. geez, cranky old geezers! Wait, I would've been cranky too. I don't handle crowds very much. They make me grumpy. Like get OUT of my way... you're moving too slow... HEY, I saw that first!!!... WHAT do you think you are doing with that yogurt? (don't ask) and generally they just drain my good humor. I love it when the grocery store is empty. Like in the middle of the night. Spooky, yes, but at least I'd get everything I needed happily!

  6. DC is one of those freak out and stock up when someone mentions the word snow places too. Just the thought of snow makes the whole city lose it's collective mind.

    People are so wierd.

  7. My MIL just left last Sunday, and I miss her! We get along great too. I'm off to find me a Butterfinger :P

  8. Wow..sounds like an interesting trip to the store! And I think you spouse may be related to mine...he doesn't like crowds at all.

  9. Snow, yuck! I'm not Vern either by the way :)

  10. Old ladies seem to feel like they deserve to be nasty.

  11. I love this - I wanted to say, “I don’t know, Lady. Maybe your blue hair throws her off. She doesn’t know if you’re a human being or a Smurf.”

    Maybe you can get your MIL to cook a lot of food while she's here and you can freeze it.

  12. Why do old ladies with blue hair have to be so cranky? You were only trying to help. Sheesh.

    Stores around here get like that every time snow is in the forecast. I used to buy into it when we first moved here; then I realized the weathermen are stupid and don't know what the sky will do until it actually happens. Or they'll say 5-7 inches of snow and we'll get 1, if that. So dumb that everyone freaks out every time!!

  13. hahaa! old people are just crazy aren't they?? i can't wait to be old! at least you had good intentions...and you got a butterfinger out of the deal. win win situation.

  14. Thanks for stopping by my blog. My ML died before I met her - but I'm sure we would have got along. The kids have missed out on a grandmother too. What's a butterfinger? And Reece's peanut butter cups? They sound delicious!! And very American of course!

  15. I frequently climb the shelves in the grocery store to get what i want.

  16. I have TWO MIL's. John's adopted and found his bio mom. I like both of them most of the time. But certainly not ALL of the time. That's just insanity!!

    Hallie :)

  17. "is this base full of short people"... lol- that cracked me up..

    ... have fun with your MIL

  18. If your offer to help has been formally rejected, I believe that gives you permission to hinder.

  19. Old ladies are awesome sometimes arent they?

    Be glad you look forward to your MIL visits...I surely do not!

  20. The smurf comment cracked me up. I'm glad you look forward to seeing your MIL. Me, not so much.

  21. "You're pretty short". Guffaw. I can't wait to be a blue-haired old lady and say whatever pops into my mind! Doesn't make it any more fun to deal with when you're young - or even younger. Know what I mean, Vern?

  22. Um Vern, you know it's not nice to make fun of mean old ladies? :))

    I'm totally just going to call you Vern now. Too funny!!

  23. haha its too bad I am divorced now, but I got along real well with my in-laws, infact i behaved more like their child than their son ever will. It's simply stereotyping once again, daughters-in-laws do not get along with their in-laws. :)

  24. Hey, Vern, how annoying is that? I used to get an old lady calling me Martha all the time... I couldn't convince her I wasn't Martha.

    But the lady who wouldn't be nice to you OR the guy who wanted to help her really irks me! What IS the deal with people? I love it when someone offers to help me reach the high shelves!

    And the weather? EVERYBODY runs to the store for milk, eggs, and bread at the slightest hint of snow. What? Is everyone making French toast for the occasion? I don't get it!

  25. Oh I hate the mad rush to the store before a storm. We rarely get more than a few inches but they panic. Thats cool you like your MIL...I like mine too.

  26. When we lived in DC the supermarket always went crazy before a snow storm. As a Canadian who grew up with real snow i always found it very puzzling.

    For the record, i would have been hard pressed not to throw the salami at her too.

  27. After that mean and cranky lady, I'd have bought a Butterfinger, too!

  28. Yeah, I think it's pretty standard for wives to loathe their mother-in-law. You are one of the rare few on the other side of that fence.

    And my grocery store was also equally as crazy last night...

  29. I probably wouldn't have believed you either if I was the cashier. Nobody really likes their MIL that much. Or so I thought.

  30. Wow- that's quite the shopping trip. So glad I didn't have to deal with that- who needs stress on top of stress? And for the record- I adored my MIL and wish she was still with us.

  31. I hate to go to the store when there's a storm coming, or on old people's discount day, or the first of the month, or..., Well, I just hate to go to the store.

  32. There are certain days of the week when busloads of senior citizens come to my grocery store from their retirement homes - I avoid it like the plague!
    I hope the predicted snowstorm isn't too bad. I can't imagine trick-or-treating in snow!

  33. why does the store make people crazy? I will never understand this.

  34. i love that your pocketbook can also be used as an oversized claw, too. and i get along with my mother in law, too. as far as cooking goes though, she buys the ingredients and brings them to my house to be cooked. it's alright though, because she buys enough for us, too, so it cuts way down on my grocery bills!

  35. hey vern, could you reach that block of cheese for me? my MIL isnt so bad, she's never around which irritates and relieves me at the same time. should i be offended that she sees her daughter's kids 100 times more than mine each year. should it bother me that my mother sees and talks to my kids 3 times as much as she does and she live 300 miles away, MIL lives 30 miles away. should it bother me that she never calls to check up on my kids anymore? should it bother me that she comments on my SIL's blog about her kids but doesnt comment on my kid's blog. or should i be relived?

  36. Why are some old(er) people just plain mean - like you were trying to mean to them. Geesh, lady.

    I love the Smurf cashier 'you know me!' ha!

  37. why are people grumpy and bitter? Ugh.

    And you should see it here if it snows..people go ________ nuts. My office had "snow days" a few years ago...there were 2 flakes on the ground.

  38. I am quite jealous that you like your MIL.

    I had a mid-blizzard grocery run yesterday that sounded a lot like yours...although nobody called me Vern!

  39. LOL at "you are short." I like my MIL too. She rocks pretty much most of the time. :D

  40. OMG! Silly girl! You never ever go to the grocery store before a predicted storm. The amount of crazed panicked people will turn you into one of them. That's the stuff of nightmares! Glad you made it out alive!

    We never go to the grocery store on tuesdays around here...that's senior citizens day. No way am I getting near that. Loved the line about the blue hair. You crack me up girl!


  41. Sounds like a rough time in the grocery store. I know, people get crazy with impending snow storms. I remember that from when I lived in IL. Like really, do ya think you're going to be snowed in for a week or what? LOL!

  42. Sounds like senior day on top of a storm!

    I featured you in my Sunday Funnies post:


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