Friday, November 27, 2009

The Missing Glasses

They were gone.

I had no idea where they went.

I patted my hand along the counter where I had left them.



I had lost my glasses.

Now, to some people, this might not be a big deal. But when your eyesight is something like -1000/-1000, it’s a huge deal. I cannot see without my glasses. Well, okay, I can see but everything is blurry. If I want things to be clear, I have to stand an inch away from the object.

“Why don’t I wear contacts?” I moaned as I squatted down on the floor. I stuck my face right against the floor and realized that ew, it really needed to be mopped.

I had just taken a shower and had stupidly left my glasses sitting on the counter. I assumed the kids would be busy watching the Thanksgiving Parade. But no, of course it didn’t go like that. My two year old daughter Natalie must’ve ran into the bathroom and taken my glasses.

Who knew what state they were in?

I’ve seen how she can destroy things. Her My Little Ponies mainly have matted down hair and drawings on their sides. She can mess up a room in a matter of seconds. So I did not have a good feeling about my glasses.

What was I going to do? I had another pair of glasses but they aren’t the right prescription.

How was I going to make Thanksgiving dinner if I couldn’t see?

“Natalie!” I called out, stepping into my clothes. I made my way downstairs. She was sitting calmly watching the parade.

“Have you seen my glasses?” I asked.

Natalie shook her head. At least I think she did. It was hard to tell.

“Tommy? Have you seen my glasses?” I practically begged.

“No,” he answered.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if Tom had been home. But he had to work and wouldn’t be home until 7.

I felt the top of my head. Usually when people misplace their glasses they wind up being propped on their head, right?

But no such luck. I don’t even know why I checked. I never prop my glasses on top of my head.

What was I going to do? I had a meal to cook! How was I going to make it if I couldn’t see the recipe?

I decided to call Tom. Maybe he could ask to be released. He could be all, “My wife can’t see! She’s lost her glasses!”

“Tom!” I shouted when he answered.

“Amber?” he answered, obviously baffled.

“Tom, I’ve lost my glasses and I can’t seeeeeee…..”

“What? How did you lose your glasses?”

“I was taking a shower and left them on the counter and they aren’t there! I think Natalie took them. Could you come over and see if you can find them?”

“No. I’m at work.” Tom didn’t even sound that concerned. Wasn’t he worried that I wouldn’t be able to parent his children properly? I mean, did he not realize that they were just colorful blobs on the carpet to me?

“Some help you are!” I snapped. “Happy Thanksgiving!” Then I hung up and got down on my hands and knees. Maybe I’d stumble across my glasses this way. Natalie probably left them somewhere.

“HORSIE!” Natalie shouted. You cannot get down on your hands and knees in front of her. Otherwise she’ll mistake you as a horse.

“Not right now,” I said as Natalie clamored onto my back.

“Horsie! Giddy up, horsie!”

“Natalie! Not now!”

But she refused to budge so I had to search the carpet with her on my back.

“What are you doing?” Tommy asked. I think he was making a face but I COULDN’T SEE so who knows? Tommy has begun to notice that his Mom is a bit eccentric.

“Looking for my glasses. Do you see them anywhere?”

Tommy has perfect vision like his father. I don’t see why Tom gets the perfect vision. He doesn’t even use it properly. All his dirty clothes are always beside the laundry basket and not in it.

“I don’t see them. Mommy, it looks like you’re kissing the floor,” Tommy observed.

It probably did. My lips were about an inch away from the ground.


“I’m not a horse! I just want my glasses!” I wailed.

I debated going over to the neighbor’s house and saying, “Hi! I know we don’t know each other well but could you perhaps come with me and search for my glasses?”

No. I couldn’t do that. Then whenever my neighbors would see me they’d be all, “There goes the chick that’s blind as a bat.”

I continued to look around the house. The kids started to fight but I couldn’t really see what was going on. I just saw blurry limbs racing around the room.

“Let’s calm down!” I said. I walked over and stood an inch away from their faces so they knew I was serious.

“Mommy, you’re in my personal space!” Tommy whined. He’s learned about personal space from school and doesn’t hesitate to let people know when they are in it.

I heard a knock on the door.

I walked over and it appeared to be someone in uniform. I practically had to press my nose up to the screen door.

“Tom!” I said.

“I take it you still lost your glasses?” he wondered.

“Gee, where did you come up with that, Einstein?” I replied. I mean, hello, they weren’t on my face so of COURSE they were still lost.

“I have a few minutes to help you,” Tom said opening the door.

“I’ve searched everywhere!” I said.

“Amber. PU. Your breath reeks. Do you have to stand so close?”

YES! Because I CAN’T SEE!

“Natalie, did you take Mommy’s glasses?” I heard Tom ask.

“Yes,” Natalie answered.

I knew the little minx had taken them!

“Where are they?”

“Snow White wearing Mommy’s glasses,” Natalie responded primly.

“Tell Snow White she better give them back!” I yelled.

“Where is her Snow White doll?” Tom asked.

What part of I CAN’T SEE was he not comprehending? How in the WORLD would I know where her Snow White doll is?

“Shhh. Snow White sleeping,” Natalie explained. She might have even put a finger to her lips.

“Where?” Tom demanded.

“In Tommy’s room,” Natalie said.

So Tom thundered up the stairs. Oh please oh please let my glasses be there…

“Found them!” Tom called out.


“Are they...intact?”

How was I going to shop the Black Friday sales if I couldn’t see? I wouldn’t be able to drive. Maybe I could get a taxi. Then I’d just have to be creative in my shopping. I could get a cane or something and….

“They look fine,” Tom said. He came over and stuck them on my face.

“I can SEE again!” I said. I tried to click my heels but I missed and nearly went tumbling into the couch.

“Are you sure you can see again?” Tom joked.

Well. You can’t really take the klutz out of the girl, even if she CAN see again…


  1. Oh gosh- that must be awful not being able to see without them. So glad Tom was able to come home and help out!

  2. I can't believe that she wouldn't tell you but would tell daddy. I was reading this and was ready to jump a plane and come find your glasses.

  3. I'm pretty blind too without my contacts. I know all about the horsie thing too. haha

  4. I have to wear mine all the time too, I can't imagine being without them. Natalie is sure a pip.

    Love the line "I don’t see why Tom gets the perfect vision. He doesn’t even use it properly."

    I wish I could write like that ... funny.

  5. oh that must have been awful! i'm so glad you found them.

    you are a great writer. i am so jealous!

  6. gotta love that natalie. what would you write about without her?

    my hubby lost his glasses one night, never ever found them. never, we have zero idea where they went in a furniture less 700 square foot studio with a blow up mattress..

    watch out for the glasses thief, maybe some other dwarf stole them for snow white..

  7. hahaha I could so picture you crawling on the floor, blind, with her on your back! I know...a moment of panic cuz you couldn't find them, but the whole scenerio is funny.

    Don't feel bad...i'm blind too and have to wear my glasses all the time. I'm forever losing them cuz if i don't slide them up on my head, they end of everywhere else in the house and i'm looking for them. Contacts?? Hell no...too much trouble! hahahaha

  8. Ah yes, I too battle the where-are-my-glasses/contacts game as well.

  9. Too funny! I am not as blind as you, but I am always losing my glasses. Thankfully my 6 year old is a bit more helpful in trying to help me find them, even if they do have fingerprints all over when I get them back. :)

  10. ooh lost glasses...

    so NOT good feeling, been there did that one before!!!

    have a wonderful wkend!!!

  11. I know exactly how you feel; although I generally wear contacts during the day. But I have a tendency to fall asleep with them on and then either one of my guys is bound to lovingly take them off and put them GOD KNOWS WHERE so that I am effectively blind in the morning. I have recently made an edict that if they take them off EXACTLY where they are to put them so that I can actually get out of bed in the morning.

  12. I am ALWAYS losing my glasses and/or contacts. Yeah. Contacts. Because, you know, if you're trying to put one in your eye, and it falls off your finger, and you can't see where it went because you already lost your glasses...

    Anyway, I feel your pain.

  13. Before I got laser eye surgery, I used to have terrible vision and it was especially bad at night. Glasses were a must but I would lose them ALL the time. And I would be driving like a moron all the way home, because I'd always convince myself it wasn't so bad.

    moral of the story. don't drive without your glasses. Dumbass move.

    And laser eye surgery rocks.

    Glad you found them!

  14. I lose my glasses EVERY time I put the darn things down. And I end up calling my husband to find them half the time, too. Of course, he's never had to come home from work for it *giggles* But then again, I've never had the luxury of placing the blame on a blond-haired vixen. Oh no. I do it to myself. *bangs head*

    You had a REALLY rough Thanksgiving! I hope everything turned out well in the end! I'm thankful that you survived to tell the tale(s)!

  15. Amber sorry but I'm laughing so hard at you ....I can just picture you crawling all over bumping into things all awhile that bitch snow white is sleeping wearing your glasses! Great story!

  16. It cracks me up that Natalie knew where they were all along. The things a girl will keep mum about to get a horsie ride....

  17. "Personal space" haha that's too funny! If I would've said that to my mom she woulda knocked me into next week! Glad you found the glasses before you did some serious damage!

  18. Giggling at the mental picture of you looking for your glasses while Natalie tries to ride the "Horsie"!

  19. My Dad has terrible eyesight and wears contacts. Cue many hilarious hours with my entire family on our hands and knees in search of the dropped contacts. Maybe you shouldn't switch, God only knows which doll Natalie would put them on!

  20. I am so glad you found your glasses and this reminds me of an ex of mind who lost his contact lens..and was crawling around on the floor looking for it. So funny!

    I am relieved you found them intact, too. And can I be caddy for a second and tell you how relieved I am that you, too, know how to spell "intact?" I've seen so many people write things like, "in tack."

    Um, HELLO?!!?
    So a big thank you from lil ole me. And Thank God Natalie didn't destroy your glasses!

  21. and of course now I see my own typos in my comment above as I'm so busy laughing at others' ignorance. stupid me--- "an ex of mine."

  22. What a good husband! Mine would have told me to stick my arms out in front of my face...

  23. Oh how we have had the same exact episode at our house. my vision was -950 and -700. They told me for years they couldn't do Lasik and then I found a Dr. who did it and it has been the best thing ever! I don't have 20/20 and I never will but I'll take the 20/60 anyday!

  24. That is too funny - and not! I feel your pain! I'm pretty blind myself. I remember the days of dropping a contact and trying to find it blindly. I would be TOTALLY lost without my glasses. Plus, I must read lips because I tend to not hear when my glasses are off! LOL!

  25. Oh to be a fly on the wall in your house. You are cracking me up....not at you...with you, right?

    Glad Tom was able to save the day.

  26. Girl, I feel for you and your vision!! I used to have really bad vision, too. So bad that they didn't make contacts strong enough, so the only time I could see well was when I wore glasses. I finally got tired of it and had LASIK eye surgery. Twice. But so worth it.

    I'm glad you found your glasses intact!!


  27. Oh yes, I have done this so many times before! It's so annoying!

  28. Awww! Poor Amber! I only have to wear glasses for reading or being on the computer or sewing or ok, anything that requires me to see up close. But sometimes I forget and get up and walk around with them on, then I get dizzy and fall down. Not pretty.

    Glad Tom found them!

  29. I am that blind too, lucky for me I wear contacts. However my cat is always knocking them off my nightstand and I have to crawl around in the morning to find them!

    I added this to my Sunday Funnies list:

  30. Sorry about your luck, but this is funny stuff!

  31. This scene plays out daily in our house. Husband can't for the life of him keep track of the glasses;)

  32. I totally sympathise. I am completely blind without my contacts and like you I can fall over a spec of dust. The snow white sleeping was really cute though!

    Kate x

  33. I'm lucky I just need my glasses for reading! But my 3 1/2 year old got ahold of those glasses about a year ago and pulled the arms right off them! I'm lucky I could see without them so I could run out and buy a new pair!

    And yes, there have been many times I have turned the house up side down looking for them just to have them appear on top of my head!

  34. Oh do I know how you feel. The blind hand swiping move. I've mastered that one. I leave mine on the dresser at night and when I wake up its the swipe, pat, where the hell are those things...

  35. I'm glad your glasses were okay, them suckers is expensive...

  36. You poor thing. Maybe Santa can get you Lasik for Christmas??

  37. Have you ever lost your glasses and you just so happen to be wearing them? Yup . . . I've done that before. I lost my glasses too! For real though . . . They're somewhere between home and Vegas. I didn't wear them because I wasn't driving and my insurance won't let me get new ones until January. @$$holes, right?

  38. Ohhh, I have had this same day before, and have made the SAME frantic phone call. My sympathies...

  39. How sweet of him to come home and help! Everyday I'm thankful for that lasik surgery I had 10 years ago. I hated that feeling of not being able to see!

  40. Thank you for the giggle! I needed that! haha ...


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