Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tooth Fairy FAIL

“Tommy. Stop sticking your hand in your mouth,” I hissed as we stood in the ultra long line at Kohls on Black Friday.

“I’m trying to get my tooth out,” came Tommy’s garbled reply. Garbled, of course, because his fingers were in his mouth.

“I know but no one wants to see you do that,” I reminded him.

It was Black Friday and we were waiting in line. It was around eight in the morning and yes, I had both kids with me because of course Tom had to work. We had been to Target before and had gotten in and out of there—I managed to find cheap DVDs and $6 jeans for Tommy. Then I decided to go into Kohls and nearly passed out when I saw the line snaking around the store. I looked down at my cart full of stuff. Did I really need all of it? Were the adorable penguin pajamas for Natalie worth it?


Yes, they were.

And it wasn’t just the pajamas. It was also the 55% off photo frames, the new sheets because our other ones are dying on us, the really cute shirt for Tommy, my new black comfy pants and….I can’t remember what else. But I needed it all.

So we stood in line.

And we waited.

And we waited.

And, oh right, we waited.

Tommy was entertaining himself by trying to dig out his tooth.

Natalie was....


“Natalie, please don’t pull out all my coupons!”

I had realized she was going through my purse and was messing up everything. She was sitting in her stroller and surrounded by coupons. One was even resting on her head.

“My tooth is about to come out. See?” I heard Tommy say to the woman standing behind us. I watched in horror as my kid used his tongue to tilt his tooth out.

“Tommy. Stop that!” I lectured and quickly apologized to the woman, who surprisingly didn’t look disgusted. Maybe she was a dentist?

“How old is he?” the lady asked me.

“I’m seven!” Tommy piped up. “And this is my Mom, not my sister. She had me at nineteen which is an inappropriate age to have children. I have to wait until I’m older to have kids.”

Gee, Tommy, thanks.

See, he mentioned the sister thing because people sometimes ask if he’s out with his big sister. It’s normally the old people who think that because they probably need their prescriptions changed. The younger people take one look at me and know that I can’t possibly be his sister thanks to the dark circles under my eyes and the wrinkles that are forming around my mouth.

I really don’t know why he felt the need to mention the rest. I mean yes, I had him at nineteen and yes, I’ve told him he should wait but I didn’t expect him to relay that to anyone else.

The woman looked amused though. “Yes, I had my daughter at twenty and I’d suggest that you’d wait until you were older too,” she said.

“Maybe I’ll wait until I’m fifty,” Tommy said with a sharp nod.


Okay there, Mel Gibson.

Thankfully we finally made it to the registers.

After Kohls I decided to stop off at Wal-Mart, which actually wasn’t so bad. I just went for the $3 pajamas and I managed to find a few pairs.

Then we came home and I was putting our new clothes in the wash when Tommy walked over to me with dried blood on his chin.

“Have you been feasting on some animals?” I joked.

Tommy opened his mouth.

“Do you need something?” I tried again. Sometimes I really don’t have the patience for children’s games. It’s like, if you want something tell me. Don’t throw a fit about it and don’t just stand there staring at me and expect me to guess.

“I lost my tooth!” Tommy said impatiently. He pointed to the new gap in his mouth.

“Oh my gosh! You did!” I went over and squeezed his cheeks and peered at his new gap. His first lost tooth. Yes, he lost his tooth late. His dentist says he has a delayed mouth and that he’ll probably still be losing teeth in high school. Tommy has been hoping for years that he’d finally lose a tooth like all his friends. And now he had.

“Mommy,” Tommy said, his voice strangled. “I don’t like this.”

I realized I was still squeezing his cheeks. Oops. I let go and backed up.

“Where is your tooth?” I asked. I pictured it taped on his wall or something. I wouldn’t put it past Tommy. He’s had some....interesting ideas in the past.

“It’s under my pillow,” Tommy answered as if he were speaking to a dumb person. “For the tooth fairy.”

I ended up putting the tiny tooth in a bag just so it wouldn’t get lost. Then we put it back under his pillow.

When Tommy went to bed, he was so excited.

“The tooth fairy is coming!” he kept saying.

I crept back upstairs around 9, armed with a dollar bill. I assumed Tommy would be asleep since he goes to bed at 8. When I entered his room, I thought he was asleep because he wasn’t moving. I headed for the pillow and…

“Hi Mommy!” Tommy shouted, sitting bolt upright.

“Sweet Jesus!” I shrieked. I balled the dollar bill in my palm so he wouldn’t see.

“Did I scare you?”


I mean, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

“What were you doing?” Tommy demanded.

“Just…checking to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine. You need to go or the tooth fairy won’t come.”


So I came back again at 10.

This time I whispered, “Tommy?” as I entered the room.

All I heard was Tommy breathing. He was asleep. I tiptoed over to the pillow—my first tooth fairy moment!—and slid the bag with the tooth in it out.

“Tooth fairy? Is that you?” Tommy’s voice rang out.


I froze.

How horrible is this? My first tooth fairy moment would be my last. Tommy would realize that it was me all along and would turn out to be depressed and moody and when he was forced to see a psychologist he’d say, “Well, my life was going perfectly until I realized my Mom was the tooth fairy..”

I couldn’t have that on my conscience! I peered down at Tommy and realized his eyes were still closed. He was obviously half asleep. I could still get away with this.

“Is that you, Tooth Fairy?” Tommy mumbled again.

I had to say something! What if my non-response caused him to wake up?

So I went, “Yes,” in what I hoped was a fairy voice but what really reminded me of what people sound like when they’ve sucked on helium.

Still, I guess Tommy believed me because he just rolled over.


I quickly left the dollar bill and got the crap out of there.

When I woke up the next morning I peeked in Tommy’s room.

“Did the tooth fairy come?” I asked innocently.

Tommy grinned at me. “Yes! She left me this!” He showed me the crumpled dollar bill. “I’m rich!”

I grinned back. “Yes Tommy. I guess you are rich.”


  1. And the dream is still alive!

    {I wish I could still believe I was rich with only $1.}

  2. You had me laughing out loud at my desk; but that's okay all the people at the office think I'm crazy anyway! Great story!

  3. I would have been scared out of my mind if I were in your shoes!! He's like a kid trying to stay awake to see Santa Claus! So cute!!

  4. A whole dollar?!? Now Tommy will start poking and prodding at all his teeth to make more money :-)

  5. You are one stealthy mama! And black Friday with the kiddos? You are brave chick!

  6. My parents totally forgot when I lost my first tooth! I have never forgotten :)

  7. "Sweet Jesus!" had me cracking up. I can just imagine our first tooth fairy experience will go about the same. I keep asking my 6 year old if he has any loose teeth yet. I think I'm more excited for it than he is.

  8. I had the worst time trying to be the tooth fairy. I was always tripping on something or the floor would creak. It was a nightmare. I finally went to a hanger on the outside of their doors!

  9. That story just made me smile. I can't imagine trying to pull that off and I'm pretty stealthy if I do say so myself.

  10. Way to go on pulling that off! My youngest son is also delayed in losing his teeth. Thankfully he no longer believes in the tooth fairy. He got a bit suspicious when the tooth fairy forgot to leave him money a couple of times. =)

  11. I remember doing the army crawl out of my kid's room so she wouldn't see me...

  12. Playing tooth fairy gives me such anxiety. I'm always worried I will either forget (cause I have before) or I will get caught.

  13. I can't wait to play Tooth Fairy, but it may be awhile for us, too...I'm so glad he finally fell asleep. And I LOVE that shirt he's wearing in the pic. It really goes together well!


  14. Hilarious!!! Mission accomplished, good job Mom, ahem, I mean Tooth Fairy!

  15. Hahaha- that is hilarious. I love his conversation with the lady behind y'all in Kohl's.

  16. Phew!! Thank goodness the hope is still alive. I'm sure you'll still be paying for a psychiatrist...but for a different host of issues. Don't worry...I'll probably be right there with you giving my paycheck to someone who is only going to confirm that I did, in fact, screw up my kid(s)!

    ~Working Mommy
    Come on by, stay for a while and leave a comment or two!!

  17. OMG too funny! My husband and I use to flip a coin who's turn to sneak in the room and feel around for the tooth. When she was 12 and learn it was us she was shocked! Seriously!!

  18. Love his shirt!

    I can never be quiet as the tooth fairy...I make my daughter put her teeth on her headboard so I dont have to try and get under her pillow!

  19. Whoa! Almost BUSTED! WTG Tooth Fairy!

  20. That was funny... I love your style. Your son is adorable... miss mum at 19.. shit I was 30 now I was wishing I had them at 19 as my bones creak

  21. I've always kind wondered how that whole tooth fairy thing would work out.

    Glad you pulled it off.

  22. "An inappropriate age to have children,"
    So funny!
    I had my first at 19 as well. We are best friends now!

  23. I felt like I was in the room with you and when i read

    “Sweet Jesus!” I shrieked. I balled the dollar bill in my palm so he wouldn’t see.

    I jumped myself.

    Awesome story!

  24. wonderful story.. and i wish that a dollar would make me rich!! wouldn't that be great!!!

  25. I can't believe you let him put it under his pillow, I would have done everything to talk him out of that.

    Of course, this comes from the mother who lost her first born's first tooth.

  26. “I’m seven!” Tommy piped up. “And this is my Mom, not my sister. She had me at nineteen which is an inappropriate age to have children. I have to wait until I’m older to have kids.”

    MUUHAHAAHAA. That's so excellent!

  27. awww he IS rich. Very nice of you to keep the dream alive.

    When I was growing up, my mom used to tie a string around my loose tooth and tell me to keep pulling at it till it popped out.

    Is it any wonder i needed braces? (and therapy)?

  28. i had an epic failure in the (mommy) tooth fairy duties last week. completely forgot about it. 3 times. yes, 3 times. i had to lie and say that the tooth fairy was reeeeally busy because of all the kids losing their teeth...you know, cuz - it was just halloween and laffy taffys and milk duds can yank them out a lot faster....**crickets**....at almost 10, i think she's starting to catch on. drat!

  29. oh yea, and i was 20 when i had my daughter....s'ok. we'll be done quicker!! heeheehee

  30. I might buy that shirt......

  31. My daughter swallowed her first tooth with her lunch and was hysterical crying that the Tooth Fair wouldn't come! We had her draw a picture of her tooth and leave that under her pillow. Now we are on loose tooth #5 and I haven't forgotten or gotten caught leaving the money - yet. :)

  32. Great story WW.

    I am not looking forward to having to do the Santa/Tooth Fairy charade when I have kids.

    My childhood was wrecked when at the age of 6; my father came in to lay my Christmas presents at the foot of my bed, pissed as a fart, and ended up falling over some toys I left out.

    I thought Santa was stealing my presents.

    I haven't been able to hold down a relationship since.

  33. those teeth are so tiny! it always amazes me now much they hurt when they bite. congrats on the triumph.

  34. Re: "She had me at nineteen which is an inappropriate age to have children." At least you know he's been listening to you. Too funny. I also love the shirt. Good to read about alterna-methods such as the hanger on the door and the headboard. I'm 45, not 26 and we're nowhere close. I'm too old to army crawl and I have terrible night vision.

  35. Thanks for the laughs! Congrats to Tommy on losing his first tooth! Congrats to you for braving the Black Friday crowds!

  36. That was a great story! I love the way you write.

  37. That's a great story..well the tooth fairy part at least..not so much for standing in a line that snakes around the store..holy hell! I have some great tooth fairy stories that I'll have to blog about some time. Priceless.

  38. You are a good tooth fairy and Mom! I once fell asleep and the tooth was there in the AM under the pillow and the kid cried all day until the next morning. I made up some story that the highway was closed so the fairy could not travel that night:)

  39. The dresser. Never under the pillow. The teeth go on the dresser. Trust me on this one.

    I love pics without teeth! I usually hound my kids with a camera until their adult teeth start to fill in the gaps. I'm a bit of a pain like that...

  40. Ha Ha... Cute Story, I have a while to go before DD loses her teeth, Your Kids are adorable:)

  41. My youngest busted me ALL the time and I am a little ashamed of the stories I made up and got away with...

    Not a lot cuter than a kid with a missing tooth...

  42. You will probably be mistaken for an older sister for a long, long time! Cheeky kid. LOL!

    So now its time to have "the talk" with Tommy.. you know the one... about banking and savings and investing and stock markets and all that... Ugh. The birds and bees talk is probably easier.

  43. That story had me giggling from beginning to end! I love your Tommy, he's such a treasure - congratulations to him on his stunning achievement of the first tooth lost. *cheers*

  44. What a great story!!! Bella hasn't lost any yet but now I'm "on it" for do's and don'ts, lol!

    There is no way on Earth I'd be out on Black Friday!!!!! Even if I had money. Which I don't. But still!

  45. Oh my gosh! I LOVE his shirt. And I LOVE his tooth gap! And I love his little smile! And I love this post. Especially the fact that he gave the lady in line behind you your family history : ) And how impressive are you? Target, Kohls and Walmart with 2 kids. AMAZING! Wowza! $3 pajamas? Pajamas are my favorite thing in the world... I wish I would have known!

  46. I was giggling through this whole story. It brought back memories of my nighttime forays into my kids rooms for teeth. Mo busted me the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade. There was heat lightening and it scared her so she came to my room where I was sitting on the bed folding laundry and waiting for her to fall asleep. She asked why I had a dollar bill on my night table and totally didn't buy the answer that I found it in Daddy's jeans pocket. So after ten minutes of incessant questioning I was finally like..."Okay. I confess. I'm the damn tooth fairy. Here's your freakin dollar. Happy now??" To which she gasped and said "Omigod, this means there's no Santa either!! You're just a big liar!" I know. I'm the worst mom ever. She still insists I damaged her psyche and that at some point she'll need therapy. Maybe if she hadn't questioned me like the damned KGB...


  47. How funny that he almost gotcha! Whew!

  48. Awesome! Both my kids were late with teeth, Monster Man just lost his first two (in three days) at almost 6-1/2. My kids will also be taking driver's ed with booster seats- we are all sorts of delayed around here!

    Yay for your Black Friday scores!! I also was in Kohl's though sans kids and if I had to take the kids, I'd be screwed... or locked up, lol. Don't forget to go spend your Kohl's cash this weekend!!

    Our Tooth fairy is gonna get fired because she keeps forgetting and has been known to leave money in the freezer with the breakfast (toaster strudel box). Yeah, she's pretty lame.

  49. Can I just say, I'm really enjoying your stories.

    Also, I'm glad you only give your child a dollar. Apparently, some people give their children $10 and a toy these days.

    By the time I have children (at least five years from now, God willing), it'll be acceptable to give them laptops and kittens.

  50. You tell a great story! Had me grinning all the way through! The Tooth Fairy scores!

  51. OMG!! I laughed so hard reading this one! Mel Gibson! ROFLOL!!

    So yeah, very first tooth fairy experience here a month or so ago and I TOTALLY forgot. For about 3 days. I'm so bad at sneaking I wanted to wait till he was good and asleep and kept waiting too long and then I'd fall asleep myself. Lame, I know. Hopefully I'll get better at this with practice, I got a lotta teeth to snatch. Whose idea was it to put them UNDER the pillow, anyway?

  52. “I’m seven!” Tommy piped up. “And this is my Mom, not my sister. She had me at nineteen which is an inappropriate age to have children. I have to wait until I’m older to have kids.”

    OH HILARIOUS. Can't wait for that haha

  53. This story was hysterical! I'm glad you were able to make it through without him waking up.

    We did Kohls at 4:15 and were out in about an hour (about a 40 min. line). Some years we've been line 2 hours there though, so I feel your pain!

    * SITS Sharefest


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