The Big Bill

“Oh my gosh!” I shouted as I gripped the letter. I waited for Tom to shout back, “What is it?” but he didn’t. No, he continued to play his computer game. Sometimes I want to smack whoever created Call of Duty.

I stepped a little closer to where Tom sat. For once he didn’t have his headphones on so there was no excuse why he didn’t hear me.

“Oh my GOSH!” I tried again.

Nothing.

Sometimes it’s frustrating that he can get so lost in his game. I try and remind myself that he’s not a Mom, therefore he can easily shut off all his senses. Unlike me, who, as I’m writing this now, has my ears set to what Natalie is doing (playing with her Little People and munching on some grapes.)

“My gosh,” I said for the final time and then tossed the letter into Tom’s lap.

“What the HELL?” he yelled, jumping. A bunch of explosions appeared on the screen and then the words You’ve been killed by…. popped up. “Amber. You just got me killed. What in the…” He punched a few buttons and picked up the letter. “What’s this?”

“What we owe for Natalie’s hospital stay in Denver,” I answered sweetly.

Tom frowned, scanning for the amount. When he found it, he turned pale and went, “Seriously?”



“Mmmm,” I said lightly, scratching my arm.

“Do we have to....pay this?” Tom’s skin was still an unhealthy white.

“Yup,” I teased but then I quickly went, “No, no, insurance covers it, don’t pass out!!” Because after I had gone “yup” Tom had slumped over a bit. It really is a good thing he’s not married to one of those Housewives of Orange County who don’t think twice about dropping six grand on one dress.

“Thank goodness for insurance then,” Tom said, handing me back the letter.

“Yup. Thank goodness for insurance. Now I have to make a phone call to Verizon because while we were in the hospital, Natalie downloaded something onto my phone which ended up costing us another ten bucks on the bill,” I said.

Seriously. I have no idea what the little minx put on my phone. I had given it to her, to distract her as they put in her IV when we were at the hospital. She had happily punched a bunch of buttons, enjoying the way the screen flicked to different colors. From the corner of my eye I saw something that said, “Thank you for purchasing….” and I snatched it back.

“What did you purchase?” I asked stupidly. I mean, hello, like she’s going to tell me.

“Uh oh,” the nurse said.

Uh oh, indeed. Then I got our cell phone bill and sure enough, Natalie had indeed bought something.

So I dialed Verizon’s number and waited…

And waited….

And waited….

“Can I please just speak to a human being?!” I wailed.

Then I was told to say what I needed help with and they’d transfer me accordingly.

“My daughter downloaded something and I want to know what the crap it was!” I yelled.

There was a tinkling noise and then, “Could you repeat that?”

Great, I had confused the computer.

“MY DAUGHTER DOWNLOADED SOMETHING AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE CRAP IT WAS!”

There was another tinkling noise and then I was told I was being transferred.

Finally.

A human.

When one picked up I went, “Are you real or a computer?”

She laughed. “I’m real.”

So then I told her the problem and she found it hilarious—of course she would, my daughter’s mistake earned her company an extra ten bucks—but she didn’t quite know what Natalie downloaded.

“Look in the ring tones,” she suggested.

I did. Nothing.

“Hmmmm,” she kept mumbling.

Eventually I found a tiny recording that Natalie had made. She just went, “Blahhh,” into it and I guess she had set it to a ringtone. So that’s what cost me the extra money. A recording of my daughter going, “Blahhh.” Fantastic.

Mystery solved though.

And, by the way, Natalie is never touching my phone again. What would she do next, make a recording of her going, “Booooo?”