“Why?” I responded. I rarely go to those things because I never know what to say to people. After I say, “hello” I’m usually at a loss. Sometimes I want to say, “Doesn’t the Air Force suck ass sometimes?” but then I worry that the person who I said it to will get all huffy and spout on about how fantastic the Air Force is and shame on me for thinking otherwise. And okay, for the most part I like the Air Force but it’s been known to tick me off. Like that one time when they tried to send us to Malmstrom AFB in Montana. And when they keep my husband away from home on his days off.
Plus, and here’s what really bugs me, Tom spends most of the time talking and barely even realizes when the kids act up. No, he just stands there with his drink, conversing easily while one of our children goes streaking across the room. Then I have to look like the bitch wife when I screech, “TOM! Could I get a little help over here?” I mean honestly, if roles were reversed and I just stood there yapping while the children turned into mini devils, Tom would have a fit too.
So yes, I admit it, I usually don’t go to Air Force stuff.
But this time Tom wasn’t letting me off the hook.
“You’re coming,” Tom repeated. “There are some people who don’t even believe you exist. I talk about my family yet you guys are never seen.”
“I’d rather stay home,” I insisted.
“But it’s at a place where fried food is served,” Tom pointed out.
Crap. He knows how much I love fried food. I was already picturing a pile of onion rings. Oh, and maybe some stuffed jalapeños.
“It should be for no more than an hour,” Tom continued, knowing that he had my interest.
I agreed.
But then I remembered that Gymboree was having a sale that day.
“Could we just stop into Gymboree before we show up?” I asked sweetly.
Tom frowned. “It starts at 11.”
“I know. I’ll be quick.”
Tom eyed me suspiciously. “When have you ever been quick in that store?”
“I will!”
“Can’t you just go afterwards?” Tom wondered.
“No! Someone might take the size I need if I wait too long. And I have to get this ultra adorable green dress with daisies, I just have to. Gymboree usually only carries two of the sizes I need so they could be GONE by the time we get there and—” I rambled.
“Stop. Okay. We can go. So long as you’re quick,” Tom broke in. I think he wanted me to shut up.
So on the day of the farewell party, we stopped off at Gymboree. I stared at some of the clothes, hand on my chin. I went, “Hmmm,” and then moved to the next row of clothes. “Does this remind you of anything?” I called out to Tom, who was sighing impatiently behind me.
“Um. No. You nearly done?” Tom tapped his wrist. This looked ridiculous because he doesn’t even wear a watch.
“I’m you! When you were looking for your truck tires,” I said with a laugh. (See previous entry for that story.)
Tom shook his head. “I didn’t look like that.”
“Trust me, Tom. You did. I would know. I was shooting the back of your head all sorts of evil looks since you were taking so long and leaving me to deal with the kids,” I replied. I grabbed the dress that I was looking for and held it up. “I’m ready. We can go. Isn’t this adorable?”
Tom shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s a dress.”
“Come on Tom, you made me describe your Kevlar tires for you,” I argued as I brought the dress to the counter to pay.
“Fine, the dress is adorable. Happy?” Tom said, picking up Natalie.
“And your new tires just look like regular tires. Happy?” I shot back as the Gymboree worker handed me the bag that contained the ultra adorable dress.
When we got to the restaurant where the farewell party was taking place, our table wasn’t quite set up yet. So we started chatting with another couple that had arrived. I’m not the greatest with the small talk as I’ve mentioned before. The woman and I exchanged pleasantries and then sort of blinked at each other. Then she said, “I like your perfume,” and I went, “Thanks, I rubbed it on from my Glamour magazine. It was something called Chloe and it had a picture of that chick from Big Love --you know the one who is the daughter of the prophet?—so I guess it’s her perfume.” I shrugged and ignored the Look that Tom was shooting me.
“Oh,” the woman said, a bit stunned. Maybe she’s never met anyone who has rubbed on perfume from a magazine? Or maybe she’s never seen Big Love. If not, she doesn’t know what she’s missing.
Our table was thankfully ready at that point. As we walked to it, Tom hissed, “Did you have to tell her you put on perfume from a magazine? Couldn’t you have just said thanks?”
“I was being honest,” I answered as I sat down. We were seated at this long table and handed menus. Natalie was thankfully given crayons so she scribbled on her paper menu.
Some other people arrived—most of them were in uniform. I half expected Tom to point at me and go, “Here she is. My wife. She exists.”
I ordered a baked ham and cheese sandwich with some greasy fries. Then Natalie decided she didn’t want to sit anymore and yes, while I was wrangling her Tom just sat there talking. I mean honestly, is he blind?
“Here she is,” I said cheerfully after the fifth time of grabbing Natalie. I plopped her in his lap.
“How am I supposed to eat?” Tom asked because our food was arriving.
“You’re a smart man with Kevlar tires, you figure it out,” I replied sweetly. Does he forget how many times I’ve had to eat with a child in my lap? It is possible. I mean, sure, the kid usually winds up with ketchup or crumbs in their hair but you do what you have to do to get sustenance.
We left a little while later. Tom had managed to get Natalie to sit in her chair—he might have bribed her with one of his onion rings.
“See, that wasn’t so bad,” Tom said as we drove home.
No, it wasn’t.
When we got home, Natalie wanted to try on her new dress. I’m not kidding, she actually asked. Normally I like to do fashion shows outside but it was too cold. So I managed to get a few inside—it was difficult because Natalie kept running around the house.
So here it is:
The ultra adorable dress.
Much cuter than tires, I must say.
cuter than tires for sure! i'm not into the husband's work functions either. everyone is really nice, but he's one of the only males (he works at a school) and all the women just size me up. it's annoying...that, and they always want to touch the baby. i'm weird about strangers all in my babe's grill.
ReplyDeleteDefinately cuter then tires!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, I don't like functions where people I don't know will be there. I'm sociably challenged, so I try to avoid any function that involves people. That's why I blog!
I probably would have gotten a sitter for the event. I know you have to pay them, but the peace and quiet and enjoying eating is just so awesome. Besides, sometimes your kids need to miss you so that they can realize how awesome you are.
ReplyDeleteI loved the shopping comparison even if ur hubby didn't! And the dress is too cute.
♥Spot
That *is* an adorable dress.
ReplyDeleteAnd my husband does the same thing at a party--just figures that the kids are MY job.
I love Big Love!!
ReplyDeleteNatalie is adorable in that "adorable" dress!!
ReplyDeleteYou are SO funny! :)
She is way cuter than mud tires...hehehe.
ReplyDeleteLove the dress!
way cute dress... and i love big love too!
ReplyDeleteShameless Big Love fan here too. The dress IS cuter than tires, but I'm kinda picky about tires too... :)
ReplyDeleteLove Big Love, love the dress, too. Saw it at Gymboree the other day. My daughter is not a fan of dresses for her daughter (my grandbaby). At least not frilly dresses. I ended up buying her pajamas for Valentines Day.
ReplyDeleteShe looks so dang cute...I love the dress and headband! I hate small talk too I suck at it!
ReplyDeleteHands down cuter than tires!
ReplyDeleteI cracked up when you told the lady you rubbed the perfume on from a Glamour magazine. Bahahaha. How I would have loved to be there to see her face.
SO CUTE! Love the dress and glad you made it through the work function. :o)
ReplyDeleteSo, so cute!
ReplyDeleteGotta admit, I wish they made such adorable clothes for me. I'm over professional attire. I want to go play on the playground during my lunch break!
ReplyDelete“You’re a smart man with Kevlar tires, you figure it out,"
ReplyDeleteThat seriously made me laugh out loud. And I chuckled a little about the magazine perfume with the Big Love girl.
And I agree, the dress is adorable.
Gorgeous dress, gorgeous child!
ReplyDeleteI'm also horrible at small talk. I guess if I ever met you we'd just sort of blink at each other. :)
I wish that outfit came in my size! So cute!
ReplyDeleteWay cuter than tires.
ReplyDeleteI can do small talk but I get bored too easily so I throw out something crazy and people generally back away, leaving me to wrangle my kids in private. Like you with the magazine perfume.
surely THAt little darling couldnt cause you ANY trouble! nooo! I just wont believe it!! except that I know the cuter they are the harder they are to handle!
ReplyDeletesurely THAt little darling couldnt cause you ANY trouble! nooo! I just wont believe it!! except that I know the cuter they are the harder they are to handle!
ReplyDeleteLol...adorable!
ReplyDeletemuch cuter than tires. I love the matching headband as well.
ReplyDeleteReally why is it men think we magically eat and don't wrangle with the kids..
SOOO CUTE :) What a beautiful dress :)
ReplyDeleterofl! that is awesomely funny!
ReplyDeleteseriously though...wouldn't you have felt like a liar if you told the chick the name of the perfume like u owned it!??!! i'd have done the same thing! ha ha
small talk isn't a problem for me though...i'll talk to strangers in public bathrooms...yes i'm one of those! ha ha ha
and she is uber cute in her gymboree dress! ♥ that store!
Any lady that doesn't know what Big Love is, isn't worth talking to anyway. I mean it's BIG LOVE!
ReplyDeleteCute dress!
pssh, who doesn't know who Chloe Sevigny is?!?
ReplyDeleteYes, cute dress, MUCH cuter than Kevlar tires.
ReplyDeleteGlad the luncheon wasn't too bad! I don't go to many "work related" things with hubby either. Too awkward and the kids can't go anyway. hmph! Glad it was alright... and yep! 100+% more adorable than tires!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely cuter than the tires. I don't go to AF things either hardly ever. I don't usually mind the going away parties though because it involves food :)
ReplyDeleteAww, the dress is adorable. I miss the days when my daughter would let me dress her up in cute outfits.
ReplyDeleteI hate going to any kind of function with people I don't know because I suck at small talk, too. I always think of what I should have said five minutes too late or say something really stupid right on cue.
Very funny rendition of dinner out. Yep, looks like little Natalie got the best deal here! She is just so precious.
ReplyDeleteYa'll have a greatly blessed day from the anowy hills and hollers of the Ozarks!!!
Love the dress, LOVE Big Love and that girl in it, Love Stuffed Jalapeno's, Love your wit and humor.
ReplyDeleteLove the dress, hated the party! Bummer that you had to go, but at least there were onion rings! Yum!
ReplyDeleteI love that dress and your little model couldn't be any cuter!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful girl and what excellent taste her mother has.
ReplyDeleteI wish i had balls as big as yours: I almost fell out of the chair with the magazine perfume story.
What a beautiful girl and what excellent taste her mother has.
ReplyDeleteI wish i had balls as big as yours: I almost fell out of the chair with the magazine perfume story.
I hate being social, too - but it was worth it for that dress!
ReplyDeleteOh my! That is ADORABLE! You really are the sale nazi aren't you!
ReplyDeleteThe magazine purfume? Hahhahahahaha
The dress wins out over the tires, HANDS DOWN! Too cute!
ReplyDeleteDo they have one in my size?
ReplyDeleteThat is adorable.
ReplyDeleteAnd its about time Tom have to eat with a kid in his lap. ;)
The dress is soooo cute.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on socialising. Why bother? I like the people I already know, why traumatise myself meeting new ones I don't know what to talk about with? Yup, I'm a bit anti-social. Great post.
I am presenting you the Sunshine Award. I linked your blog to my post if you would like to accept. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteThat dress is adorable! I can see why you had to have it.
ReplyDeleteI have never in my life heard of anyone who is more in love with Gymboree than you are!
ReplyDeleteI would have been your BF for the night, once you threw out that magazine perfume comment! I so want to say things like that at my hub's work functions but I usually don't think of them until I've had too much free wine, at which point I end up sounding like an idiot, instead of being totally witty.
ReplyDeleteI love that you told the other wife that you rubbed the perfume on from a magazine. That's priceless.
ReplyDeleteI hate going to my husband's work stuff because he never introduces me to anyone, so I just kind of stand there like a loser. It's awesome.
Ok when are you going to sign her up for modeling?
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I just have to say how adorable she is in that dress! She's a natural...I see modeling in her future!
ReplyDeleteYour husband sounds so much like mine. He always insists I go to family functions with him because his family "misses" me...then I spend the entire time chasing after our demon spawn while he enjoys conversation with everyone.
Hilarious! and reading the posts it sounds like not many of us are good at small talk I guess thats why we blog.
ReplyDeleteYour girl is too cute for words and the dress is perfect!
It's funny... having read your blog for a while, I forget that you could possibly worry about knowing what to say. I just read and imagine you telling the stories.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that you told that woman that you got your perfume from a magazine! Amazing that men don't learn to eat with a kid on their laps the way womane do, what's up with that? Natalie is adrable in her new dress,very cute dress.
ReplyDeleteI love the perfume from the magazine. I do that too.
ReplyDeleteUGH! You have lured me to Gymboree. I really really like that dress for Jesse. Natalie, of course, looks adorable. :D
ReplyDeleteLove the perfume comment. I mean, how can the woman not take that nugget and run with it in a convo?!
i would have been right there with the magazine perfume with you honey. some people...i have to go read the kevlar tires post now because I just had a great picture in my head of Tom and the tires.
ReplyDeleteI love the dress! Ultra adorable! Congrats on making it through the party.
ReplyDeleteMuch much cuter than the tires!
ReplyDeleteOh man, my mom used to HATE any AF event. I, of course, didn't know this until we had been out of the AF for several years and it was safe for her to say as much.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost positive that had I been at this party and you had told me you'd put on perfume from a magazine page and then commented on a TV show, I would have taken you by the hand and said, "Don't be afraid, but we're going to be best friends. I can tell."