Thursday, March 4, 2010

Not A Fan

Let me go on the record by saying that I do not like dentists.


I said it.

No offense if you are one. Or are married to one. Or are dating one. Or are stalking one. But they happen to scare the dickens out of me.

I guess it doesn’t help that I gave a gag reflex. So as soon as they start messing around with my molars I’m starting to heave and then they have to remove their latex covered fingers from my mouth and wait until I calm down.

“You okay?” they’ll always ask as I practically convulse in the leaned back seat.


This is what I always want to snap. But then I glance at the sinister tools that are spread out on the tray and think against it. “I just…have a gag reflex…”

I also have panic attacks when I see a dentist. Yes, the breathing into the paper bag kind. This is why I need to be knocked out when I see the dentist. And actually, I think they appreciate it too. They’re probably all, “Praise flossing, she’s out. I don’t have to worry about her gagging every two seconds.”

The good news was that when I saw the dentist on Monday, it wasn’t for me.

It was for my kids.

“Remember what you say when the dentist asks about flossing,” I said to Tommy as we parked in front of the dentist’s office.

“That I do it every night,” Tommy said and gave me a wide grin.

Okay, telling a kid to lie is wrong. But if you don’t then the dentist gives you a lengthy lecture on the importance of flossing. And then they’ll show you how to floss as if you weren’t quite sure what to do with the waxy string. It’s annoying. And, you know, Tommy wasn’t exactly lying. He does floss at least twice per week. Granted he usually leaves the floss between his teeth and pretends he’s growing string from his mouth. But still.

We headed into the office and I nearly passed out from the dentist smell. Still, I had to pretend like I loved the dentist because I don’t want my kids being afraid of them. So I plastered a smile on my face as I filled out the paperwork and pretended like I was at Target.

“Do you think you have a cavity?” I heard Tommy saying to another little boy in the play area.

I looked up from my papers with a start.

“Because if you do, they give you a shot,” Tommy continued.

The little boy’s mother glanced up from her cell phone. She had long nails and I was worried that she’d claw Tommy. So I went, “Tommy. Come here!”

He came over. “Yes?”

“Tommy, you can’t go around saying the s-word,” I explained. “It scares people.”

Tommy frowned. “S-word?” He cocked his head to the side. He obviously had no idea what I was talking about.

“Shot,” I whispered but the frightened little boy heard and gasped. He buried his face into his Long Nailed Mother’s waist. She scowled at me and I swear, waved a sharp nail in my direction as a warning.

“I was being honest,” Tommy said, confused.

“Yes, I know. But in this situation, we don’t talk about it. Okay?”

Tommy shrugged. “Okay.”

We were called back a few minutes later. Tommy was led back into a bigger room while Natalie and I were ushered into a smaller one for smaller kids.

“I don’t YIKE this,” Natalie told me as we settled down in the chair.

“It’s okay. Remember what we talked about? The dentist is going to look at your teeth,” I said as cheerfully as I could muster. I was starting to feel faint from looking at the dentist chair and the gigantic light that rests overhead.

“Are you going to be brave?” I asked Natalie.

“Yes,” Natalie said but then as soon as the dentist walked in, she burst into tears.

“NO THANKS!” she bellowed, practically climbing up to the top of my head. “NO THANKS!” Her knee knocked me in the cheek. I imagine we must’ve looked a sight: Natalie practically on my head and me trying desperately to get her off.

“Hi Natalie,” the dentist said, glancing at her chart.


Great. That was my ear. It immediately started ringing.

“Can I just look at your pretty teeth?” the dentist continued. He was acting as though nothing was amiss. A nearly three-year-old wasn’t on top of its mother’s head. Lalala.


“Natalie,” I said as she tugged on my ponytail. “Natalie, you have to let the nice dentist check your teeth.” I managed to grab her leg and pull her down. A part of me wanted to say, “I understand COMPLETELY, sweetheart. Dentists are evil and scary and they have sharp THINGS that they want to put in your mouth!”

The dentist managed to pry her mouth open. Natalie only bit him once.

Her teeth were good. No cavities.

“See? All done,” the dentist said.

Natalie gave him an evil look.

“Would you like to pick out a toy for being….would you like to pick out a toy?” the dentist said kindly. I know he was about to say, “for being good,” but after being bit and screamed at, it really wasn’t the case.

Natalie swiped a plastic fish from the bin. “Thanks,” she said. “Bye bye,” she added pointedly.

Then we had to walk back to where Tommy was.

More good news.

No cavities. But as the dentist always tells me, Tommy’s mouth is delayed so he loses his baby teeth later. He’s only lost ONE so far and he’s eight. And the dentist always says, “You better start saving, he’ll definitely need braces.” He says this jokingly, which I find to be sick and cruel because HELLO? Has he seen the cost of braces? Does he know how much I like to shop? Well, probably not. But still, joking about saving lots of money is not an appropriate subject matter.

“And do you floss?” the dentist said before Tommy got off the chair.


I shot Tommy a Look.

“Yup,” Tommy said, nodding.

I relaxed.

“Good job. Flossing is important, you know,” the dentist said.

“Mommy doesn’t floss,” Tommy said sweetly. It was his turn to toss me a Look. Only his read, that’s what you get for having me lie. And I shot him a look back that said, technically it wasn’t a lie, you do floss a few times a week!

“Mommy,” the dentist said, wagging his finger reproachfully at me. “Don’t you know the importance of flossing?” And then he proceeded to tell me.

So you see?

I don’t like dentists.


  1. I dont like the dentist either! In fact.. the scraping sound they make on the teeth, is worse then nails on a chalk board! It makes me sick to my stomach!

  2. I don't get the hatred of dentists thing! (Well, by kids, YES, but adults? I don't understand!)


    At least she's polite about it : )


    At least she's polite about it : )

  5. I LOVE the image of your daughter on your head calling NO THANNKKKSSS!" to the dentist! I'm totally going to yell that next time my dentist announces that he needs to make his boat payment with my need a root canal.

  6. You just inspired me to go floss, which I hate doing, but I guess it needs to be done! Thank you.

  7. but ya know.. at least you taught natalie manners!!

    the whole "no thanks!!!".. lol

    i DESPISE the dentist too.. but heres a short story for ya.. my SIL still goes to her pediatric dentist- he told her that as long as she could fit in the chair she could keep coming.. and yea! he knocks her out every time.. lol

  8. I would rather have my fingernails pulled out with a pair of pliers than go to the dentist, but it's something we all have to do! I also have panic attacks when going to the dentist...valiums work great lmao!

  9. I had to giggle a little at the "NO THANKS" part. At least you've taught her well.

    The last time I went to the dentist, there was a little girl in the room next to me. She was actually pretty good, but she was there a looooong time, and finally she screamed,"I WANT TO GO HOME NOOOOOOWWWWW!"

  10. I have to be knocked out to have dental work too. Panic and gagging and crying like a small child. I'm dentist visibly cringes when I walk in. I had to have a tooth pulled just last week. The receptionist always reminds me that my insurance will not pay for me to be put under unless it's medically necessary. I always remind her that the dentist would probably be glad to pay the difference himself.

  11. Hilarious! I love Natalie's "No thanks!" She's priceless.

    I've actually been known to fall asleep in the chair when they're cleaning my teeth, so I'm at the other end of the spectrum on this. But I still sympathize!

  12. lolol,that was funny to read. I completely understand.As a kid I was terribly scared of the dentist and I still am. Also get panic attacks,yikes.I even postpone my dentist appointments all the time :)

  13. hehe very cute! I don't mind dentists...I really don't. I need to take my kids in, though...I don't wanna!!

  14. i'm having an anxiety attack just thinking about the dentist! but i love how tommy threw you under the bus! geez! no fair!

  15. I don't think I would mind the dentist if they knocked me out. I'm asking about that next time I make an appointment.

    Your daughter is smart to bite now while she's 3, they mind a little more when you're 30. Trust me.

  16. i am not a fan either...i hope he was joking about tommy needing braces. My oldest just started last week with the braces routine and after insurance it is still going to cost me about $4000. UGH!~

  17. I loathe going to the dentist. Absolutely hate it. I feel ya.

  18. Oh no, Your kid ratted you out! If it makes you feel better, I worked for a dentist for ten years, and I am still a horrible flosser!

  19. i dont like going to the dentist. mostly its the money and my trailer park genes. problem is one of my best friends is a dentist. he's gentle and knows my fear, but after a year and a half of dental work in his chair (all because i didnt go to the dentist for 7 years because i hated dentists) i still white knuckle and flinch. im mostly afraid something is going to go horribly wrong and all my teeth are going to fall out..

  20. I love love love your polite children. =) I spent a summer working in a dentist's office, and believe me, there are far ruder, far more panicky children... consider it a success.

  21. Get the thing that looks like a toothbrush but has a floss head instead of a brush. It's amazingly simple to use, and quick. When the dentist gave me one, I used it every day. I went back, all proud, only to have him say, "Your mouth is too dry. You need to drink more liquids."


  22. I don't mind the dentist but a friend of mine is terrifed. She gets valium just to go there! Son's mouth is costing me a fortune in braces and teeth pulling. ugh.

  23. Why are you teaching that boy to be so honest? Cut it out!

  24. OMG!! I have yet to take my 3 year old to the dentist because I AM PETRIFIED!! My oldest was a breeze by my Lil Lady is going to freak!! I think it will be a job for DAD!
    This was hilarious!!

  25. OMG!! I have yet to take my 3 year old to the dentist because I AM PETRIFIED!! My oldest was a breeze by my Lil Lady is going to freak!! I think it will be a job for DAD!
    This was hilarious!!

  26. Whenever I'm mad at someone, I say... "You dentist!"
    That way, they know exactly how I feel about them. :)

  27. Whenever I'm mad at someone, I say... "You dentist!"
    That way, they know exactly how I feel about them. :)

  28. Natalie is SO polite when she's unhappy. I love the No Thanks:)
    I had my check up today and the hygientist asked me about flossing and then asked if I knew how. Hello, I 32. Yes I know how, I just never choose to.

  29. I hate the dentist too!! And I get so queasy when I have to take my kids. But I have to act all brave. Even though I just wanna get the heck outta there!

  30. I do not like the dentist either as I go into great detail about here:

    Thankfully my kid has been good at the dentist...we'll see how the younger one does in a year or so when she finally has to visit.

  31. Me neither. Which is probably why I am 18 months overdue for an appointment. On that note, I should probably call. Maybe tomorrow.

  32. I honestly don't know when the last time I went to the dentist was... And my 4 year old has never been yet. It's on my list, though. I SWEAR. But I get all sweaty and hyperventilate-y and stuff when I think about dentists and doctors. I mean, paying somebody to poke at my mouth and body?!? Whose psychotic plan was that???

  33. I've managed to avoid the dentist for around... hmmmm 16 years! That's about 3 times longer than my last pap smear (before yesterday)... says A LOT!

  34. Oooh, he got you! I loathe the dentist, so I put it off and then my teeth are worse than if I'd just gone, so the cycle continues. At least Tommy got a great report!

  35. Glad you all survived! Only YOU could describe a trip to the dentist and make me laugh out loud!! Thanks!

  36. I agree with Natalie. A trip to the dentist? NO THANKKSSSSSSSSSSS!!

  37. I do not like dentists either and have to literally have valium the night before and the morning of JUST to have my teeth cleaned! I don't like to floss either but found the soft picks work wonders and they are just like floss! And my dentist is the one who gave them to me! HA!

  38. I'm an antidentite as well. In fact, I just went to the dentist today, grrr.

  39. The dentist is one of life's evil necessities as far as I'm concerned - with heavy emphasis on the 'evil' part......

  40. I'm completely amazed at how polite Natalee remains even when throwing a fit. "No Thanks". Not "Get the hell away from me you scary white coated freak". Yep. Amazed.


  41. The only thing that REALLY upset me about getting tattoos is that the needle sounds like a dentist drill. Bring on the pain, bring on the sitting in awkward positions for hours, but that noise - oh good golly - hand me a lolipop so I don't faint!

  42. OK I almost had a panic attack just reading this blog post.

    I get physically ill just calling a dentist to make an appointment. If I actually finish making an appointment the very next day I will call and cancel.

    I don't have a bad gag reflex, and really have no good reason for this phobia.
    I try not to let me kids in on how I feel but MY funny thing is this. I have ZERO problem taking my kids in......if I know the appointment is for them I'm not bothered one bit.

    Weird unfounded phobia!

  43. Im with you I dont like them either

  44. No thanks is right!!! I "HATE" them beyond words! LOL! No lie! Especially when the dumb "B" was rude,ignorant and talking about her "MIL",with a drill in my mouth!! HELLO!! I freak when they lay me back and I have a gag reflux as well! I sweat so bad from being scared,that I can't believe I don't slide right off the chair!! And the worst part is I need to make an appt.!! "NO THANKS"!! LOL!!


  45. Sounds like a GREAT day at the dentist! I love your kids! They are too funny! Natalie is hysterical, and Tommy? Well, he knew he had you up against the wall. I love that he tattled on you!

    I, too, have a significant gag reflex. My dentist has it written on my chart. I also HATE cotton and gauze so they have THAT written on my chart. They can't come near me with that crap.

    As far as braces for Tommy, when my daughter was young, and I took her to see an orthidontist, he looked at her teeth, then rubbed his hands together and said, "Oh goodie! Now I'll be able to buy that airplane I wanted!" Needless to say, I never went back to HIM!


    B) I applaud your child for only biting him once.

    C) Why do they tell kids to floss their baby teeth? That sounds like dentistry poppycock.

  47. I do not like dentists either...and I have good reason:) I'll blog about it some time...

  48. Well, at least she used her good manners!
    I;ve never acually minded the dentist, unless they take impressions then GAG!

  49. Just the smell of dentists' offices makes my stomach turn. Seriously, I have to steel myself for days before I make a trip into that place.

  50. I don't like dentists at all, either! I woke up last Monday with my tooth hurting and about freaked that I'd have to go to a dentist. Thankfully, I think it was just that I was grinding my teeth because I was worried about a meeting. Whewwwww


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