Wednesday, April 7, 2010

FYI: NOT A Cougar

Most parents don’t yell during swim lessons.

I do.

Like when Tommy swims across the pool I’ll clap and shout, “Go Tommy!”

Most parents stare at me like I have a third boob on the top of my head.

Tommy struggles with diving down to the bottom of the pool and retrieving a foam brick. So when he finally did this, I clapped and yelled, “Great job! WOOHOO!” And again, the parents gaped at me as though I had just whipped off my shirt and twirled it around my head.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to shout,” I giggled to the man beside me.

He was pecking on his Blackberry. “Mmmm,” he answered but it was obvious he was barely paying attention.

I still yell though. Tommy likes it. He’ll turn around and give me the biggest smile.

Sometimes I’ll have to remind Tommy to focus. He has a habit of going off into Tommy Land in the middle of class. For instance, his swim instructor was going over some swim rules and I saw Tommy’s head whip in the other direction. He’s sort of like JD on Scrubs. I mean, I can’t blame him, I tend to go off into my own world when I’m bored.

“Focus Tommy!” I’ll call out.

He’ll jump slightly and then turn back to his teacher.

Speaking of his teacher, I had been curious on how old the guy was. Not because I was interested or anything. I mean, yeah, the guy is okay looking but I also figured he had to be pretty young. I mulled this over on the way home from swim lessons last week and was all, “I wonder how old your teacher is?” not thinking much of it.

But then I guess Tommy asked his teacher how old he was. I think he said something like, “My Mom wants to know how old you are.” Which is embarrassing in itself because the guy is probably all, “Um?”

But he told Tommy because Tommy shouted from the pool, “Mom! My teacher is SEVENTEEN! Did you get that? HE’S SEVENTEEN?”

Now the rest of the parents were staring at me as though I were Mary Kay Letourneau.

“I was just curious,” I mumbled into my lap.

Geez seventeen though. I could be his MOTHER! Well, not really. But since I’m 27 whenever I hear someone is a teenager the first thought that comes into my head is, “I could be his MOTHER.” Obviously this couldn’t be true, unless I popped a kid out when I was ten. But still. I couldn’t stop thinking that Tommy’s teacher was born AFTER the movie My Girl came out. Yikes. He was a zygote.

And he was currently pretending like he was drowning because they were going over how to save a drowning swimmer.

Tommy….erm….he started to go off into Tommy Land and I was all, “Tommy! Save your teacher!” and of course the parents probably thought, “Yeah, she wants her kid to save him so she can seduce him,” and I wanted to be all, “NO, I could NEVER, I just don’t want my kid to let his teacher fake drown and be the laughing stock of his class.”

Tommy eventually made it out to his teacher and tossed him the floater device. It nearly smacked him in the face. He’s not a gentle savior, apparently.

Then he had to simulate giving the teacher CPR and I could hear Tommy say, “You want me to do WHAT?”

When class was over I could see Tommy saying something to his teacher. I sucked in my breath. Please nothing embarrassing… Then Tommy shouted,


Tommy is obsessed with finding out what grade people are in. I wanted to explain to everyone, “My son has Aspergers, he becomes fixated on certain things and finding out what grade people are in is just one of his fixations. One of his FIXATIONS, I say. Nothing more.”

Now I can’t look his teacher in the eye because he’s probably all, “She wants to stick her hand down my swim trunk.”

No, no, NO!

I am NOT a cougar!

Tommy mercifully came back over to me and I handed him his towel.

“My teacher is seventeen, did you hear?” Tommy said loudly. There were still other parents around, drying off their kids.

“I did. That’s great,” I said, gathering our things so we could GO.

“Michael Phelps is twenty four. Michael Phelps is not in high school. Michael Phelps took lessons just like me,” Tommy prattled on. He’s become a little obsessed with Michael Phelps ever since he learned that he won eight gold medals in the Olympics.

I could hear a parent giggle behind me. Now she was probably thinking, “What’s with this mother wanting to seduce all these swimmers?”

I think Tom will be bringing Tommy to next Monday’s swim lessons.


  1. Definately not a Cougar! 17...Yikes! too funny :)


  2. I am a yeller too. I am also not a cougar. But sometimes I look. Awesome post.

  3. You are actually a puma. Cougars in their 40's, puma's are in their 30's or soon to be 30.

    Meeeow! ;)

  4. LOL! I can't imagine lol!! I think if I were around I would probably think you MIGHT be a couger lol. If I were you, after your son said that I'd be like "oh good, I was just checking to see if maybe he was available as a sitter sometime"...on second thought, that might just make it worse. lol, in those situations you just have to laugh!! Did you ever see that movie 17 again? its a great one!!! :)

  5. i am a yeller too. I always encourage and correct my kids. The ball field mothers always say oh no, here she comes.

  6. Oh heck... just own up to it and admit it... you like how he filled his swim suit.


    Nothing (really) wrong with that - its not like you were dragging him into a dark corner and ... doing things.

  7. That is hilarious! I asked our waiter how old he was the other day... he looked 17 and was serving liquor. I was interested in knowing how old he was - and not because I was interested in him... I'm just really nosy.

    Anywho... good luck with swim class. It sounds quite eventful!

  8. Tommy has Aspergers? Did I know this? Does he really or was that a joke? Just wondering, my 8 year old does too.

  9. Go, Tommy! He keeps you honest that is for sure. :)

  10. I guess that makes me a Puma too! Just joking. But sometimes you have to wonder what can a seventeen year old teach my child? But sometimes they do surprise you!

  11. ha ha ha ha! I always feel like a perv when I was twilight. I am obsessed with Jacob, and he's so young, but such a hunky!

  12. bahahahaha... i would seriously love for you to film one of these scenes. i'm just waiting for the swim instructor to ask you for your number...

  13. Better Mom than me, I just make my husband go to the lessons instead of me...

    Too funny about the high school not-so-hottie!

  14. Sure you're not a cougar NOW. . . give it a few months until he is 18. if there is less than 10 years difference between your ages it can't be defined as cougaresk.

  15. I officially become a resident of Courgarville on Sunday. Perhaps you can give him my number...

    And I AM old enough to be his mother. My son is 17.

    I'm going to go cry now.

  16. I know how ya feel. I call teens or even young 20s, kids all the time. I like to cheer my daughter on and embarrass her any time I can. She will thank me someday

  17. Kyle is almost 14 and I'm still a yeller...I am try to cut back but it is tuff to do. I am and always will be his #1 fan!!!

    No pictures of the swim coach....what's up with that?????

  18. Hahaha! I bet that "child's" face turned red!

    (when I say child I mean 17 year old swim teacher)

  19. just made his teacher's day!! lol...

  20. truly just peed my pants a tiny bit when i read about wanting to stick your hand down his trunks... lol

    too much!!!

  21. Ummm, I had a crush on more than one nymph who was young enough to be my son. Damn proud of it too. It means I'm still alive...

  22. Okay, Mrs. Robinson, but you need to wait till he's over 18. LOL! And your son sounds like such a delight! And so funny! I love that you yell encouragement at him! He loves it too! What a fun post! (Keep in mind, my husband is 15 years my junior so I'm open minded like that!)

  23. HAHAHA! I love it. You cougar you. How nice of Tommy to enable you, lol.
    But yeah, I would send Tom next week. Knowing myself, I would have called him to replace me after the first "He's 17!", because I'm an easily embarassed woose. Woos? You know what I mean.

  24. You are a stitch!

    I'm sorry, but I was single when my oldest was in swim lessons when she was 4 and her teacher was HOT!

    I pay attention at lessons / practice too and I think that is great. My daughter loves it during softball practice. Everyone else is so busy talking and texting. I am paying attention to my kid and it makes her feel good. Screw the other parents. We rock!

  25. LMAO I'm sorry, but I totally would have been crying from laughter if I'd been sitting there, hearing them yell those things to you.

  26. Ha ha! I give my kid the thumbs up all the time during his swim lesson because I'm pretty sure cheering is strictly forbidden...

    Our teacher is 19.

  27. I think Tommy was just getting you back for embarrassing him by changing his clothes in the driveway (in front of his friends) for St Paddy's day. ;)

    This was a funny post. Thanks for commenting on my post today.


  28. I think this is my favorite post of yours yet. I can't stop laughing.You are way to young to be a cougar, but the comparison to Mary L is hilarious. You are so funny. I was the mom that yelled to my kid in soccer...don't worry about those humdrum noninvolved parents.

  29. I'm a sideline yeller/cheerer too. I didn't realize it until I watched Olivia's soccer games on vidoe. I was horrified for a second as my family sat through a whole game video listening to me shout like a crazy person...but in the end I know that my kid LOVES the encouragement and it's only me that can wrangle her into focusing and not staring at a cloud. You are an awesome Mom even if you are a Cougar. ;)

  30. When I started reading I was sure you were going to be embarrassing Tommy. What a twist! It wasn't like you sent him to ask all those questions - or did you leave that part out? :-o

  31. Hey yellin's great! The louder the better! I could from a family that always yelled at things like that. It makes your kids feel good.

    I hated got to soccer events for my stbe's daughter's soccer games. The parents just sat there and talk to each other. I got plenty of looks cause I was yellin'.

    I cracked up bout the "Mom, he's seventeen" part cause that would make me want to hide!!! Love it!

  32. a) I could totally be his mom and that makes me want to throw up
    2) he probably just thought you were suggesting he was too young to be the teacher, no worries!
    3) Just in case, send Tom next time!

  33. Keep cheering! YOur kids will remember that 30 years from now and really appreciate your support.

    17!!!! I can't even remember was 17 was like for me



  34. That was too do you manage to get yourself in such impossibly embarrassing situations?

  35. I really miss my role as 'embarrassing mother' now the kids have left home. It always gave me such a sense of achievement.

  36. LOL!!!! Ohmygosh, so funny! I love the way you write because I can just picture every little thing!!!!

    You guys rock!

  37. Hahaha...this is hilarious, but cringeworthy at the same time!

  38. This is so dang hysterical! You are a fantastic writer!

    I say cheer him on. Yell as loud as you can and cheer him on. Kids crave the encouragement and the other parents that are looking at you are just thinking "man, I wish I had the guts to cheer on my child."

  39. I'm sure those parents checked the area sex offenders list just to be safe.

  40. Seriously, I know all I ever say in my comments to you is that you crack me up, but I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I am soooo the yelling mom, no matter what sport. And the whole cougar're just killing me!!

  41. Our job as a parent is to embarrass the hell out of our kids; not the other way around. :) I think it's cute that you cheer for Tommy, you cougar, you!

  42. Oh geez, this sounds like something that would happen to me, except with that friend who has no idea how to be covert or do things on the sly.

    "Sara! He's dating someone! He's probably not interested in you! Sara! Can you hear me? Why are you crawling under the table?!"

  43. Hhahahaa! That was great. Even more great cause it happened to someone else. =) Just kidding!

    But seriously I was gonna call and sign up my kids for swim lessons tomorrow. I'll make sure to cheer my kids on, and not make any remarks about age... lol

  44. Hysterical writing. Where is the mute button on kids? So funny, so real life.

    We have swim lessons tonight. I'm gonna put down my Blackberry for a change and see what else there is to look at. :)

  45. OMG! Great post, I laughed the whole way through!


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