Those Texas Roadhouse Rolls

I love Texas Roadhouse.

I especially love their rolls.

So when we decided to dine there this week, I was excited. My mouth watered over the thought of the hot buttery rolls.

Imagine my surprise when we weren’t given any rolls after we were shown our booth.

“Where are the rolls? Are they coming? We need the rolls.” I tried not to panic as our hostess walked away. Where was she going? Was she bringing back rolls?

“Do you think the rolls are coming?” I hissed to Tom, who was calmly perusing the menu. How could he be so calm? Wasn’t he concerned about the rolls?

“Amber, the place just opened. The rolls aren’t ready yet,” Tom said patiently. He’s used to my freak outs. But he was probably right. The restaurant had just opened. We always get there at 4, right as the doors are unlocked because crowds freak Tom out. He says it’s a cop thing. He doesn’t like people behind him because he assumes they’re going to pull out a weapon. Sometimes for fun I’ll trail after him and he’ll abruptly stop and go, “Don’t do that. You know I don’t like that.”

Our waitress strolled over with a wide grin. “Hi, I’m Stacy and I’ll be your waitress today!” She chirped. Stacy had obviously been sampling the sweet tea.

“Hi Stacy, can we have some rolls?” I matched her tone and tried not to grasp the collar of her shirt while bellowing, “It was just AWFUL, Stacy. The hostess showed us to our booth and walked away WITHOUT GIVING US ANY ROLLS!”

“Of course you can get some rolls,” Stacy said. “What can I get you to drink?”

DRINK? Why wasn’t she getting the rolls first? Didn’t she see how much we needed the rolls?

I asked for a sweet tea and hoped she would return quickly with our rolls.

But then a big group settled down in Stacy’s section so she turned to greet them. Stacy, NO. Our ROLLS.

“Would you sit down?” Tom said.

Oh. I hadn’t realized I was halfway to a standing position. I plopped my butt down.

“I just....our rolls. Wait, here comes the hostess with a basket of rolls. Here they come! Here they—” But then the hostess plopped the rolls on the booth behind us for those people.

Excuse me?

What about US?

Stacy, hostess, SOMEONE!

“Calm down,” Tom said. “We’ll get some rolls.”

Stacy dropped our drinks off five minutes later. No rolls.

“What can I get for you?”

“Rolls,” I said.

Tom groaned into his palms.

Stacy’s eyes snapped open with recognition. “The rolls. I forgot. I’m so sorry.”

She took our orders and then went off to retrieve some rolls.

“Thank God. My body needs the carbs,” I said, sipping my sweet tea.

Tom made a face. “When was the last time you had some?”

“Well. Lunch. But still.”

I can’t believe there are people who don’t eat carbs. And those health nuts on the reality shows say to save calories, one should FORGO the rolls at the beginning of the meal.

FORGO the rolls?

Are they high?

The rolls are the best part.

Have these people TASTED the rolls at Texas Roadhouse? They arrive warm with cinnamon butter. I know. Cinnamon butter sounds weird. I thought so too. But then I tried it and I was in love. Now I can’t get enough cinnamon butter. I want to ask Texas Roadhouse if I can bring some home with me but Tom says that I better not ask that, and could I please stop embarrassing him?

Good news, though. Stacy came back with the rolls. Yes!

We all dove in.

Seriously. Four hands went towards the basket at once. Thankfully Texas Roadhouse gives you four rolls.

“We need more rolls,” I said, my mouth stuffed with, well, roll. I’m so glad that I’m married. I’d be an awful dater. My manners are pretty appalling.

“We’ll get some,” Tom said, shoving his roll into his mouth. His manners aren’t the greatest either. We’re a match made in filthy manners heaven.

Stacy came by a few minutes later to see if we needed anything else.

“Rolls, please,” I said.

“Wow, those went quick!” she giggled. Stacy looked as though she were the type that avoided carbs. She was rail thin. I wouldn’t mind losing a couple pounds but I think I’d be a very unhappy person indeed if I gave up my carbs.

When Stacy returned she didn’t have rolls. She just had our food. Which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong, but I was still craving rolls. There was no way I’d be able to enjoy my steak without getting a few more rolls in my system. No way in heck.

“Anything else I can get you?” Stacy wondered.

“Rolls, please.” She probably thought that was the only thing I knew how to say.

“Rolls.” Stacy snapped her fingers. “Right. You sure you want rolls since you have your dinner now?”

Um. Stacy? YES.

“Yes, please,” I said, moving Natalie’s hand away from my rice. That’s MY seasoned rice. But…crap, I’m teaching her how to share so I gave her some.

“I don’t YIKE this hot dog,” Natalie said, pushing her meal away. “I want dis rice.” And she tried to take all of my rice.

“Um, well you’re going to eat your hot dog because that’s what you said you wanted,” I said firmly, sticking her food back in front of her.

“No, hot dog is yucky. I want da rice and da potato,” she said, pointing to my baked potato.

I don’t think so.

“More rolls!” Stacy said, handing them over.

Four hands went into the basket.

Mmmm.

“Stop hogging the butter!” I said to Tom.

“I’m not,” he argued, his cheeks puffed out from the bread.

“You are. Share!” I reached over to grab it. He lifted his arm up so I couldn’t reach.

“Stop being mean. Share!”

He eventually handed it over. I was about to rub some on my bread but Natalie tried to take my potato again so I got distracted. I set the butter down in the basket and grabbed my potato back. Look, I’m all for sharing but Natalie had a perfectly good meal in front of her. As I was busy trying to get her to eat the hot dog, Stacy came by and PICKED UP THE BASKET WHICH CONTAINED MY CINNAMON BUTTER.

“Stacy!” I called out, but she didn’t hear me.

Crap.

“My cinnamon butter!”

“Jesus, just eat your steak,” Tom said.

But it just felt incomplete to not have the cinnamon butter. So when Stacy came back, I asked for more rolls.

Her eyes bugged out of her head. “More rolls?”

“We’re a carb loving family,” I explained. And plus, you took my cinnamon butter from me.

Stacy did bring us more rolls. So I got my cinnamon butter, two extra rolls, and like five extra pounds.

But still. Yum.

(And now I’m craving the rolls again.)