Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Airplane Adventures

Beeeeeppp Beepppp went the alarm clock at four in the morning.

I groaned as I slapped it quiet. It was way too early to be awake. And to think, some people wake up at four in the morning on purpose to work out. There is no way I could wake up at 4 in the morning to work out. Or any other time, really.

We had to wake up early to make a flight. I stumbled into the children's room and the second I rubbed Tommy's back, he bolted out of bed.

"Is it time?" he asked with way too much enthusiam for 403 in the morning.

"It's time," I confirmed.

Then I went in to get Natalie and she mumbled, "Airplane?"

"Yup, we have to drive to the airplane."

She seemed a little out of it. I brought her downstairs and she blinked at the kitchen floor for a few minutes going, "Floor? Floor?" over and over again. Poor lass, she isn't a morning person either.

Or so I thought. Five minutes later and she was racing around the living room with Tommy. Where they find the energy that early in the morning is beyond me. I sat blinking on the couch, my mouth agape as if I wasn't quite sure what was going on.

When we got to the airport I was a little more alert but in desperate need for caffeine. After I got a Diet Coke I gripped it close to me as if it were a priceless object. Then I walked Tom and the kids to their gate--yes, just their gate as they were traveling to North Carolina without me while I visited my friend Jennifer in Ohio. (I'm re-joining them on Thursday.)

After I saw them off, I headed to my own gate where I cracked open a book (Emily Giffin's newest) and relished in the silence. Of course twenty minutes in and I was missing my kids when I saw other passengers approach with theirs in tow.

But the thing is, I can't escape kids. Because guess who I sat by on the plane?

Yup. A kid. About eight years old. His mother and two siblings were sitting behind us. I was smack dab in between him and this old lady, who promptly turned the overhead air conditioner on high. I immediately got cold but what could I do? You can't mess with old ladies or else they can smack you over the head with their purse or something. And also, the old lady, who I dubbed Cold Lady since she cranked up the air, closed the window. I mean, hello? I like looking out the window to make sure the wings aren't smoking so we don't crash to our deaths. But again, I couldn't do a thing because I was stuck in the middle.

And then there was the kid. Oh, the kid.

See, I started to read my Cosmo magazine and the kid leaned into my personal bubble and looked at though he were reading it. Obviously it's not appropriate for kids so I tried to tilt away but then that meant I was in the Cold Lady's air. So there I was trying to read Cosmo with the magazine mostly shut so the kid couldn't see. I was reading all about 99 New Sex Facts and yes, in a few years the kid might appreciate what he read but still, I didn't want his Mom to lecture me about appropriate reading.

Still, the kid seemed to leer at me. Where were his video games for craps sake? Why was he bugging me? Did his Mom forget to buy him stuff to keep him entertained? It certainly wasn't my job.

"Doug, here's your book," the Mom said, as if reading my thoughts. She poked her head up and handed her kid a chapter book. Then her eyes rested on the magazine that I was reading and she frowned as though I were the one at fault. As though I were the pervert.

If she had said anything I'd have been tempted to be all, "I paid good money for this crappy seat and I'll read what I darn well please."

In the end I put the magazine away and read my book because I'm too nice. And because I didn't want the kid to say at dinner, "What a g-spot?"

36 comments:

  1. SO FUNNY! I could only imagine! I'd pee if Aidyn asked that!

    I dont swear in front of my son.. but today his dad and him were arguing (with my help) over who was better... The twins or the cubs. (obviously the twins are better) and his dad made a comment and aidyn said "H-NO" not Hell.. "H".. ha ha! SO funny!

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  2. Don't beat yourself up. I caught my 5 year old watching True Blood because our series recording started right in the middle of his episode of Dragon Tales.

    You've got a long way to go if you want to beat me for Deadbeat Mom of the Year. And really, who cares if they aren't your kids?! :)

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  3. On the last flight I took with my daughter, I was reading, "Are You There Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" next to my 5-year old daughter. Little did I know that she read a page or two of it. When she told me, I was horrified, until she admitted that she didn't understand anything that she read! LOL

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  4. Glad you made the first leg of your trip!

    Did you like Emily Giffin's new book? I thought it was really good (but I have loved everything of hers). I'm just starting Jane Green's new one.

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  5. Listen, they need to know all that stuff. You were a teacher to him.

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  6. You are too nice. I would have kept on a readin' that Cosmo! Teach a kid to mind where his nose should be. OK, maybe not. I guess you can't know until you're in the situation, eh?

    OH - and always travel with a hoodie!

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  7. I wish some lady had let me learn about the g-spot on an airplane when I was 7 or 8 years old...

    ;) Enjoy O-hi-O!

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  8. I would probably be that lady with the AC on...lol!

    I am so glad you are posting while on vacay...I would have missed your stories!

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  9. that's awesome! lol...that will teach his mom to let him sit next to strangers! :)

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  10. LOL Ha! You should have let him borrow the whole thing!

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  11. I often wish I could buy all the seats in a row on a plane so I wouldn't have to sit next to anyone obnoxious or under the age of 18!

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  12. You really are a kid magnet!!!

    Have a wonderful trip!

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  13. Ah, your kid-free time was interrupted by a kid! Figures! Hope the rest of your trip goes better.

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  14. I probably would have just handed the magazine to the kid, to punish his mother for not paying attention to the fact that he was bothering me.

    But, uh, I'm a horrible person. So you might not want to do something like that. :)

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  15. That sounds like a terrible flight. I am not sure what's worse. A leering eight-year-old or AC no light old woman.

    LisaDay

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  16. I can't stand it when people are in my bubble! It's annoying. I feel for you! lol.

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  17. You are way to nice, I would have kept reading my Cosmo. But as a mother, thank you for being so considerate. It could have been my kid you were sitting next too!

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  18. Crap like that is always happening to me on planes. Hope your next flight is better.

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  19. you were MUCH NICER about it than i would have been!!!
    i really hate to fly.. big time!
    hope you have a fabulous trip!!!

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  20. UGH I do not do well with kids that don't recognize personal space. Have fun with your friend!

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  21. Hey, that'll be good for him to know someday.

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  22. Yeah, he really should know what a g-spot is, shouldn't he? Well, maybe he should learn what a g-string is first... or I could be a complete idiot...

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  23. I would have kept reading. You are much nicer than me! And, I also do not understand people who wake up any earlier than absolutely necessary in order to work out.

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  24. I would have kept reading. You are much nicer than me! And, I also do not understand people who wake up any earlier than absolutely necessary in order to work out.

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  25. Funny! Coming back from Germany, a 10 hour flight, I couldn't get seats in a row. The flight attendants told me to just switch and let them deal with the other passenger. Apparently, they didn't want my 7 year old unattended for a 10 hour flight.

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  26. Oh, a kid without a video game, a middle seat and Cold Lady -- a trifecta of terrible airplane luck. But at least you didn't crash.

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  27. That kid already knows what a g-spot is Amber. Since I look nice, they always stick unaccompanied kids next to me on planes. Well, I'm not sure how nice I look, but I don't seem to have that molester leer thing going on. Anyway, these kids are usually traveling between parents and they give me the complete lowdown on both parents including their sex lives. Have fun!

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  28. Not morning, that is still the middle of the night. Thanks for another funny look at life in your household.

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  29. That would be my luck too...finally kid free and then they are all around you!!

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  30. Oh my. Glad you made it through okay.

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  31. I am sorry - I close those vents and then wash my hands. All that comes out of them is disgusting recycled air with germs!

    ICK!

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  32. Doesn't it just figure you get some time to yourself and you're the sandwich filling between cold lady and cosmo kid??? Sounds like an entertaining flight!

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  33. 99 new facts? I'm having a hard enough time learning the old ones.

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  34. Considering your track record with creepy kids, I think you should just be grateful that this one didn't talk too much. . .

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