Friday, June 4, 2010

Boobs, Kids, and Michael Phelps?

“You’re coming,” Tom said firmly.

“Do I have to?” I groaned. He had just informed me that he had a work BBQ and right when he said it I thought, “Ugh, I don’t want to go.” The thing is, I’m not the greatest at small talk. Plus Tom sometimes will start a conversation with someone and leave me to tend to the kids. Suddenly he seems to forget we exist as he jabbers on. I could probably paint I AM NOT HAPPY on the wall and he wouldn’t notice.

“You’re coming,” Tom repeated. “You’ve skipped a lot of work stuff and some people don’t believe you exist.”

Isn’t that what Facebook is for?

“I’m not making anything,” I said stubbornly. It drives me crazy when men say they have a work function and then stare at their wives expectantly. It’s THEIR work function. Why should WE have to make crap for it?

“I’m just picking stuff up at Wal-Mart,” Tom admitted. Actually, if he had insisted that I make something I’d have done the same. I’d have set a package of cupcakes in front of him and said, “There. I made these.”

So yes, I went to the work BBQ. We settled down on a bench and right away a little girl came up to me.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” I answered.

She kept watching me. What did she want? Where were her parents?

“Have a great day,” I said, which was my polite way of telling her to sod off.

She didn’t leave. In fact, it got worse. Another little girl joined her and they just stood there in front of me. What, did I have Spongebob dancing on my forehead?

Tom was talking to someone of course so he didn’t notice.

“Tom,” I said as one of the girls took a step closer to me. “TOM!”

“What’s in your purse?” one girl asked.


“Um, my wallet. Where are you parents?”

“Around. Do you have lotion in your purse?” the girl continued.



Okay, purse girl needed to go away. I tugged on Tom’s arm. He had the nerve to look irritated with me. I mean, he had dragged me here in the first place and left me to be accosted by strange children obsessed with my purse.

“Talk to me so the kids will go away,” I said quietly. I eyed the room. “You didn’t tell me that Michael Phelps worked on your flight.” Seriously, some guy bringing in some food looked almost like Michael Phelps.

Tom frowned. “Huh? He doesn’t.”

The girls thankfully rushed off. Phew.

“Which girl was it that texted her boobs to the married man?” I’m not joking. Some girl on Tom’s flight texted her boobs to a married man.

Tom’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Shhhh.”

Shhh. What was this shh business? I didn’t care if Boob Texter overheard. She should be ashamed of herself. She’s lucky she didn’t text her boobs to my husband. I’d have posted the picture on my blog along with her phone number.

I drummed my fingers on top of the table. I wish I was bold enough to march up to someone and start talking. But I’m not. So I just sat there until it was time to eat. I did laugh when a young Airman strolled in and dropped off a package of 20 piece nuggets on the food table. Everyone had to bring something and his choice was nuggets from McDonalds.

“She’s there,” Tom whispered in my ear as I stood in line for food.

He meant the Boob Texter. I turned and looked expecting to see someone like Megan Fox. Instead I found a Roseanne Barr. Okay, not that bad. But still. She was nothing spectacular. I don’t think she has kids so she probably has a nice, never been chewed on rack. I’ll give her that.

I had a compulsion to shout, “BOOB TEXTER!” when I saw her.

But I swallowed it down.

Tom and I settled down to eat and guess who sat across from us? Boob texter. Tom shot me a Look.

Boob texter, boob texter, boob texter…

“Is this your wife?” Boob Texter asked.


“Yup. This is Amber. And this is…” Tom gave Boob Texter’s real name but I didn’t care. She’ll always be Boob Texter to me.

“Hello,” I said politely. I wanted to add, “Don’t be texting body parts to my husband.”

I tried to eat neatly. I didn’t want people to tease Tom for having a messy eater as a wife. But, well, I had ribs. And it’s hard to eat ribs neatly. I ended up with sauce on my nose. I had an entire conversation with one of Tom’s work friends with sauce on my nose. Neither he OR Tom mentioned it. They just let me carry on with SAUCE ON MY NOSE. When the guy walked away Tom went, “You have sauce on your nose.” Oh. NOW he tells me.

“Are you going to try one of my cupcakes?” Boob Texter asked Tom. Um, that better not have been a sexual innuendo. The only cupcake he wants to try is mine, thanks.

It turns out she meant REAL cupcakes.

And they were gross.

I’m not being rude. The bottoms were burnt and the frosting looked weird. Maybe if she weren’t so busy texting her boobs to a married man she’d have made them properly.

In the middle of the room some people started to set up Beer Pong, which I thought was a tad strange seeing as children were running around. Plus, getting drunk was not a good idea for me because I’d totally call Boob Texter Boob Texter to her face.

I think Tom pictured the same thing because he was all, “Ready to go?”

Purse Girl started to approach me. Ack! I did not want to answer any more questions about my purse. And what if she asked me about the Beer Pong? Do I tell her about beer? Some parents are really weird about telling their kids about alcohol.

“Let’s go,” I said, jumping to my feet. I practically pulled him out the door.

“See, that wasn’t so bad,” Tom said cheerfully on the drive home.

I suppose not. I got to see Michael Phelps, dodge a strange little girl’s questions and meet the chick who texted her boobs to a married man.

It was sort of like an episode of Maury.


  1. Oh my... very funny " Boob Texter". I have to say I really do hate work functions!

  2. What the flip?

    Who are these people?

    Boob texting, nosy unattended children and beer pong?

    I'll bet the guy who brought nuggets was on your wavelength.

  3. I am so proud of you! Way to go on not calling someone "Boob Texter." Kudos, babe.

  4. Boob texter and your comment about her never had her racks chewed had me laughing. The Beer Pong seemed really weird for a company outing, then I remembered mine from last year and we had kegs. :S

  5. Suddenly I have the strong desire to just head downtown and started pointing at women and calling them Boob Texter.

  6. Dang, I know I would have been in severe jeopardy of saying Boob Texter myself...

    ...and perhaps asking for a text.

  7. You crack me up all the time! I so don't want to meet Boob Texter, but do wanna see Michael Phelps!

  8. ,,,and you got blog fodder out of it.

    No one is safe, especially boob texter.

  9. boob texter.. haha
    you really should have snapped a picture of her on your phone. even if it was just her boobs.

  10. Well, what do people expect other people to think about them when they send their boobs into the free world?

    (I once sent the BF my boobs - as a picture, of course. I made boob cake for another friend, but that was loooong ago... - well, the picture went into my "My pictures" file, and I totally forgot about it. Then, last summer, I had a Japanese friend over for dinner (she was helping with my diploma thesis, correcting stuff and such), and the notebook was on, and the screen saver started, and I had completely forgotten that my screen saver is a show of all(!!) pictures from "My pictures", and so suddenly I had to yell, "Look at that squirrel!" and point out the window, and we spent a few pleasant minutes searching for a squirrel that didn't exist, and then I closed the notebook carefully, lest I squeeze my boobs.)

  11. The idea of you posting the Boob Texter's boobs and phone number on your blog made me laugh.

    Incidentally, I know someone who did the exact same thing, and now I won't be able to be in the same room with her without wanting to call her Boob Texter.

  12. I wanna know why it took you SO long to tell us about the boob texter story...shame on you!

  13. BOOB TEXTER!!!! I couldnt help myself....I don't know how you kept quiet.

  14. I hate going to my husbands' work functions. He always drops me off in the kitchen with a bunch of snarky women who (for some damn reason!) all feel threatened by me because I wore makeup to the party and don't have kids, yet, and spend the whole night either ignoring me or dropping not-so-subtle hints that they don't trust "my kind." Then, on the way home, he tells me I should "be more friendly." Bleh!

  15. LMAO!!!

    Boob texter. She needs to keep thos puppies to herself.

  16. Sounds like good times to me! LOL!

  17. Okay, I think I just peed a little! ha ha ha!


    I think anyone that sends pictures of their boobs deserves to have it talked about!

    ha ha ha! If my boobs were cute enough to send to my boyfriend.. I suppose I wouldnt mind.. but they arent.. and I wont.. so no one will be calling me boob texter any time soon!

  18. BOOB TEXTER! Had I been there . . . I would have dared you to call her that to her face!

  19. so does boob texter know that married man shared the boobs with the others? I would never text my boobs to anybody - husband included. plastic surgeon? maybe.

  20. Oh you know you had fun. OK, well, you weren't bored. It takes a lot of brain space to keep yourself from yelling out "Boob texter!"

  21. That's hilarious. And for the record, it would have been totally acceptable for you to take a pic of Boob Texter for us. Because you know what? She texted her boobs.

  22. I really need to brush up on my boob and nipple texting skills.

  23. i'm going to have the phrase "boob texter" in my head for the rest of the day. and that simultaneously makes me giggle and gag a little bit.

    super fun stuff.

    and the two girls staring at you kinda makes me think of "the shining". ummmm....spine chill.

  24. I should have taken a picture of boob least her, uh, boobs and put it on your blog so we could all be aware of her if we ran into them, er, her.

    Too funny.

    That sounded like a strange company get together. Now I know why you don't like going to them!

  25. What a interesting gathering. No wonder you would rather stay home. Good thing you didn't get drunk and tell Boob Texter what you thought of her.

  26. I'm betting I think about boob texter whenever I go to text a picture, body parts or not!

  27. Hahaha, you have dangerous compulsions.

  28. So let's recap: What I learned today is no boob textage to married men (not a problem....I don't like my boobs. Sure a heck ain't sendin' them across outerspace) AND if I want you to run away from me I should ask what is in your purse.




    I thought Maury was all paternity tests and who's the baby-daddy these days?

  30. Awww, you get all the FUN work functions! If I went to one like that I would have content for my blog for-ever!!

  31. Great !! Great !! Great !! post :)) I needed a good laugh today. There is just tooooo much good stuff here to comment on ... and I can't be another person to comment on the BT ... but really ... I don't know how you reined yourself in ... you are a better woman than I am ...

    Great great great post !!!

  32. So funny..."boob texter"...what a winner! lol

  33. "never been chewed on rack" omg I almost peed myself.

  34. Is it wrong that I kind of wish she had texted her boobs to Tom, just to see you blog about it?

  35. You crack me up. Also, my life is boring.

  36. "she probably has a nice, never been chewed on rack."

    Ohmygawd - so funny!! You're amazing!!!!

  37. How bright does one have to be to burn cupcakes???????? Duh... Must have been... wait for it... texting her boobs.


  38. Wow. And I thought there was some trash at my workplace. Boob texting definitely takes the cake though. I kind of wish she somehow found out you knew about it though. It would have put her in her place. I once went to a party with a now ex-boyfriend who pointed out a guy who bragged about how he often goes for massages with happy endings. His wife was so nice and didn't have a clue. The whole time I stared at him in disgust and willed him to know that I knew what he was up to.

    Great post. It really made me laugh.

  39. I thought they only set up beer pong at Army functions ;o) I LOATHE people that let their kids run around unattended.

    I normally love hubby's work functions but we've been at this duty station for so long, everyone I knew has moved. So, that was yet another reason I ditched the Ball tonight.

    I probably would have brought up how immature the latest craze of 'sexting' is with teenagers, and done everything in my power to make her feel VERY uncomfortable. After all, sending your tits to a married man = dirty tramp/crack whore (at least in my formula for disaster that will inevitably result in a butt kickin)

  40. "“Are you going to try one of my cupcakes?” Boob Texter asked Tom. Um, that better not have been a sexual innuendo. The only cupcake he wants to try is mine, thanks."

    I am Southern. Any woman tries to ask my husband to eat their food who isn't his mama? I KILL HER.

    Good thing he's vegetarian.

  41. Can you believe that what made me giggle most was the thought of you talking to someone with sauce on your nose!?!

    Thanks for the giggles!

  42. You know there are now legions of laughing women going around, thinking "boob texter" and cracking up. Thanks. Btw, you have sauce on your nose.

  43. You have an amazing talent for putting me right into your story. I see, hear, feel, (no not taste, yuck!) your stories. Love them, love them, love them. And Boob Texter- P.S.Y.C.H.O.!!!!

  44. I had one of those cling-on kids all over me at the pool the other day. "Watch me!!" she kept saying. Yeah, kid. Why isn't your MOM watching you in this body of water that's up to your nostrils? Thanks, I'm busy watching my own two so they don't drown. WTF? Where's your mom?

    Boob texter made my night!

  45. um, I read the first sentence out of context.... er, um, haha.

  46. Work functions are the worst. We went to one of my hubby's work functions a few weeks ago...a room full of doctors and researchers...thank God it was open bar! I don't know how you resisted shouting "boob texter". You are right, no alcohol was probably a good call!

  47. Excellent post. If it helps,.. I have agreed to attend a craw(cray?)fish boil with my husband at his hunt club and I use the term loosely. Double yuk. I know it will be dull so perhaps I will text something naughty and a picture of my boob to your husbands phone. What was the # again?

  48. Just found you ... I know, I know - I'm a little slow in the blogging world ... but anyway, glad I finally got here!

  49. I'd say that was pretty entertaining! I'm horrible at small talk you were smart not to drink I would of yelled Boob texter too!

  50. i'm eating spaghetti and when i read "boob texter, " i looked down on the girls and had to laugh.

    thanks for the follow and following you back :)

  51. Do you just attract weird children or what? Creepy. . .

  52. LMAO....
    boob crack me up!!

  53. So from now on, when you see the Boob Texter, will you be thinking of her as Boob Texter Who Bakes Shitty Cupcakes?

  54. Boob Texter AND Beer Pong at a biz party.... now that sounds like fun ;-)

    You are a VERY GOOD wife to have gone. I'm not a fan of that stuff either....

    And I LOVE the way you tell a story.


  55. Found you through SITS. Love that post!!! I think you should have said Boob Texter to her out loud!!! Would have been fun to see her reaction :-)

    Enjoy the rest of your weekend.


  56. I think this is one of your funniest posts ever! I'm not big on chit chat either!

  57. I think you did remarkably well under hellish circumstances and you got a great post out of it. Kudos to you!

  58. I totally bow down to you for sitting across from the Boob Texter without saying anything. Amazing!!!

  59. I know! I don't like chit-chat all that much either. And I seem to be some kind of obnoxious kid magnet as well. AND I also have my hub pick up something on his own for his own potluck functions. AND I have had to ask my hub to please make sure and check in with me (save me) during his work functions. Geez, I could go on and on! I totally relate! But, boob texter??? Oh, my! Thankfully, I haven't yet been exposed to that kind of class yet!

  60. Ugh, so glad I don't have work functions anymore! lol

  61. Those odd kids always ended up by my ex. It drove me nuts!!!!

  62. If only you had a manila envelope...according to the DNA results....

    you ARE the Boob Texter!!


  63. My husband hasn't taken me to a work function since his Christmas party 2 years ago when I got really drunk and started talking about vaginal rejuvenation!

    I can't say I blame him.

    P.S. You totally should have called her "Boob Texter" to her face!

  64. You survived! Now? I had a conversation with one of my student's parents and had something on the end of my nose the whole time. Professional.

  65. This is funny. Glad to hear you were able to hold back. LOL!

  66. This i s way more exciting than my hubby's work events...we don't have a boob texter.

  67. Ha! A never chewed on rack? Cracked me up! Im gonna buy some of those... =)

  68. yea.. i hate work functions too.. not cool..

    and i refuse to eat ribs out in public.. i ALWAYS make a mess.. sucks though- cause i do love me some ribs!

  69. I think if you didn't laugh at this post, you didn't have a funny bone. I enjoyed reading your blog. Thank you for letting me visit.

  70. You've now made me want to yell "Boob texter" in a range of in appropriate situations just to observe the reaction. And just for the record, my rack has also never been chewed on and I still have no desire to text them to anyone, married or otherwise. I might text my burnt cupcakes though, on the way to the store to buy replacements.

  71. Boob texter with burned cupcakes...maybe somebody should have intoduced her to Nugget Man!

  72. All Air Force parties are like that. Alex had a girl who was hot for him come up at his military retirement and say "I just came over for a good bye kiss". So he looked embarrassed and I reached over and kissed her on the lips (no tongue) and said, "Goodbye".

  73. I think you're lucky you got to go to something like that. My husband's work functions are never interesting enough for a blog post!


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