Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Heads Will Roll

“Tom, what’s happening? TOM?”

I had my hands over my eyes. I could hear someone screaming in agony.


What was he doing? Did he forget that he was supposed to tell me when the gruesome scenes were over?

We were watching an episode of The Tudors and he promised to let me know when the gross part was over.

And there were a lot of gross parts in that episode.

Fingernails were pulled off in one scene.

Heads were chopped off in another.

Guts were taken out of a person still alive.

Poop was smeared on the wall by an insane person.

I couldn’t watch the fingernail removal scene. That was the scene that was going on. I could hear the actor yelping in pain.

“Is it almost over, Tom?”

WHY WASN’T HE RESPONDING TO ME? Should I be concerned that he was so engrossed over someone losing their nails? I mean, ew.

“It’s done. That was nothing,” Tom said.

Of course he would say that. He watches war movies were guts and blood are thrown all over the place. I’m still traumatized over watching Saving Private Ryan with him. He didn’t WARN me about the guy laying on the beach with his guts hanging out of his stomach as he shouted for his mother. I still have nightmares over that one.

When it came to the beheading part of The Tudors I covered my eyes again.

“What’s happening?”

“Jesus, just watch. They’re just giving a speech. Oh wait, there they go.”

I could hear the sound of the axe coming down and chopping the head off.


“Did they show the head?” I wondered.

“Not really, they just showed it in the basket quickly.”


“So what happens to Henry’s wife?” Tom asked.

In that episode, Katherine Howard, his fifth wife, is sent to the Tower of London because it’s been discovered that she’s been doing the nasty with another man.

“She dies,” I explained morosely.

Tom is shocked over how many people died in the show. Like he missed out on the entire season three so as he watched this season he was all, “What happened to that dude? Cromwell?”

“He died,” I said.

Or he’ll be all, “What happened to his third wife? The one that gave him the son?”

“She died.”

“Jesus, who DOESN’T die in this show?”

I made the mistake of looking when Katherine sees the head of her lover on a spike. I so did NOT need to see that.

“Oh, that looks so fake,” Tom said. “That’s nothing.”

It was real enough for me.

And plus, they got it wrong. Katherine saw the head of her lover on the London Bridge in real life. Not in the Tower of London.

But still.

Sad either way.

At the end of the show there were two final beheadings.

The chick that went crazy and smeared her poop on the wall was one. But she had it coming. George Boleyn, Anne Boleyn’s brother was married to her and she totally lied and said George and Anne got it on.

So I wasn’t sad to see her go.

I covered my eyes though.

“What’s happening?”

“She’s putting her head on the block.”

The axe came down again. People watching the execution cheered. Mind you, they had no TV then so watching people lose their heads was prime entertainment.

Finally, Katherine Howard came up and gave her speech. She said she was dying as the wife of Culpepper, the man she did the nasty with while married to Henry. This caused the crowd to gasp. Shame on you, wench, they were probably thinking. In real life she probably didn’t really say that. It’s just a legend. Most people thanked the King right before they were beheaded because they were worried if they called him an “asshole fu*ker for having my head removed” they were worried that God, who they believed chose Henry as king in the first place would be pissed and send them to the pits of Hell.

Thankfully they didn’t show Katherine’s head being chopped off. It just ended with her resting her head on the block, now covered with blood from the insane poop lady. (In real life Katherine was beheaded first though.)

“So…who does he marry now?” Tom asked when the show was over.

“Katherine Parr.”

“Don’t tell me. She dies.”

“No, actually. I mean, she came close, Henry had an arrest warrant written for her but then he changed his mind. She outlived him,” I said.

Have I mentioned that I love The Tudors? I’m bummed this is the last season.

One day I’m totally taking a Henry VIII tour in England.

Anyone wanna come?


  1. I needed that chuckle this morning.

    I'm thinking this should be my new approach to life....just cover my eyes and ask those nearest to me if its over yet....

  2. I didn't even know the season had started!!!!

  3. The only thing I know about King Henry the 8th is the song...

    I'm Henry the eighth I am
    Henry the eighth I am, I am
    I got married to the widow next door
    She's been married seven times before
    And every one was an Henry (Henry)
    She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
    I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
    Henry the eighth I am

    Henry (Henry)
    Henry (Henry)
    Henry the eighth I am, I am
    Henry the eighth I am


  4. My 8th grade history teacher made us watch Saving Private Ryan and we watched that same scene and I've been scarred since. It totally freaks me out, lol.

  5. I have a book about the wives of Henry VIII....I loved it...unfortuantly it made me sit through the Tudors going "thats not the way that happened" lol Of course Henry VIII wasn't nearly as good looking as Jonathan Rhys Meyers so I don't know why I was so worried about it being historically accurate...I should have just sat back and enjoyed the eye candy

  6. Pick me, pick me! LOL I have never seen the Tudors and while your post should convince me I don't need to, I'm suddenly drawn to it. Thanks!

  7. Oh Oh Oh .... I took that tour!!! They walk you along the bridge as they tell you about the heads posted on stakes. They stayed until they fell in to the river below.

    And,if memory serves me correctly, they didn't talk nasty about the King because he would order that a dull blade be used instead of a sharp one ... that means multiple chops for the head to come off instead of one clean, fast cut.

    UGHH sorry about that ... a little too early for the gross fest :))

  8. Damn! Who knew there was so much kiliing in that show. I guess that's how they real in the dudes too.

  9. I love scary movies and shows. The hubs & I await each new SAW movie in October!

  10. I have never even heard of this show!

  11. I am OBSESSED with the Tudors! I will also read any book (history, historical fiction or biography) about the Tudor family or that period in history.

    I traveled to London in November and the first thing I asked to see was the Tower. It looked so different than I thought it would.

  12. I lived in England for four years so I already saw everything, but I'd still love to go back. And the London Dungeons is an absolute must!

    Love the show, hate the historical inaccuracy. My daughter and I both read a ton of historical and historical fiction books so we feel the same as you do. I'm pretty sure nobody looked as good back then as they do on the show, I mean I've seen paintings and um, no thanks. Besides, they all smelled really bad. Especially Henry with that grody leg sore.

    I'm sad this season is the last, but excited for the Borgias! And it's cool...I hid my eyes when they pulled the nail off too. But not during the beheadings!


  13. We rented and watched the first season of The Tudors, and this reminded me that we need to get this show back on our Netflix list. I, too, was totally grossed out by the amount of violent yuckiness shown. I have a very squemish tummy.

    Thanks for visiting my blog!

  14. Wow, you def know your Tudor history!

    I think I am going to get my FIL to download all the previous seasons for me to watch

  15. I love that you know your Tudor history so well. And that you have so little tolerance for screen violence. There's enough crap in the world, I don't need to put those images in my head...that's how I feel.

  16. I love that show! I can't watch gross/violent stuff either. My husband is so used to it he will cover my eyes for me!

  17. Yuk. 'I couldn't watch the fingernail removal scene' ... sounds a very sensible decision to me.

  18. Wow! That sounds more violent than True Blood! LOL!

  19. I love that you love a show that grosses you out so much. ;)

  20. That tour would be badass.

    I'm not generally into history, but this is more like a violent, raunchy soap opera.

    That's way better than history.

  21. If I had known The Tudors was a bloody gory show, I could have made Alex watch it. He thought it might be "fluffy" and you know, he's a macho guy. I've been to the Tower of London and walked over Anne Bolyn's grave! The place is really pretty primitive! And cold. My God it was cold! There is a lady walking down the street in her robe and slippers. Gotta go.

  22. I have not seen the Tudors but I want too. There is just so much to see and so little time! lol I'll go to England with you for that tour!

  23. I've heard of the show, but have never seen it. I had no idea it was so gruesome. I thought it was all romance and stuff. Huh. Maybe a good thing I have not seen it! :)

  24. sounds like a fun tour to me...

    i watched the first season.. then we kinda didn't after that.. was a great show though...

  25. I So relate. Couldn't watch Silence of the Lambs in the Theater and when it came out on video, I watched the whole ending from my bathroom, yelling out "what's happening?" "can I look now?" to my boyfriend. I am a complete wimp about movies even though I used to make them and should be able to maintain a "critical distance." Nope -- strong gag reflex and no taste for stress of any kind means I peek from between my fingers a lot and just don't go to see even more.

  26. I didn't know that show was that violent.

  27. That was so funny.

    You are a lot of fun to watch gruesome with.

    My husband loves how I get.

    That was great.

  28. I don't think I could EVER watch anyone getting their head chopped off - on TV OR back in the olden days....wait, MAYBE my ex-husband.....

  29. I have to close my eyes AND plug my ears!

  30. That sounds like an awesome tour - I'm in!

  31. Oh yeah, I totally want to go on that tour with you. Who's going to keep their eyes open during the exhibits? I hope it's you but it sure as shit ain't gonna be me.

  32. Hey in regards to the comment you left on my blog: I truly think it all has to do with the query letter now. I've written 3 different letters and the only one that I get an requests from in the original query letter. I don't know what it is...

  33. You watched that the way I watch horror flicks...through my fingers!

  34. That is how I have to watch most movies that have any violence in them. The Husband must be there or I'll sit just listening. Of course, I think that maybe my mind can make it worse than it actually is...

  35. LOL thats just what my husband says all the time!!
    Thats nothing
    Dumb boys why can't they just understand we dont wanna see the yuck.

  36. Me, me, me! I wanna come!

    (Henry Cavill will be a part of the tour, right?)

  37. I'd watch this show, but i'm not okay with gruesome...

    but I love the whole story line... and king henry was a hoe. I hope he's burning with hitler!

  38. I'd love to come along for the tour of England. My mom did her nursing school studies in England. My brother loves the Tudors (and pretty much all things British, he even spells favorite - favourite).

  39. I cover my eyes too! Drives my husband crazy. So he started telling me scenes were over before they actually were. Ass.

  40. I have never seen this show but I was cringing when you said "nails being pulled off" ewww! We do the same thing in our house. I cover my eyes and yell at my hubby to tell me when its over...I can watch gross stuff like that!

  41. I'm coughing up a lung here from all the laughing and choking on coffee I did during this post. Great stuff.

  42. Haha! I'm British and only recently realised the bloob letting in my history. Nowadays, we satisfy ourselves with the X Factor. Similar, but just less blood.

  43. George and Anne so had it on. The poop lady, was that Jane Seymour? (not the actress Jane Symour, the wife of George?)

  44. I've honestly never heard of that show...but it sounds very interesting. Blood and guts don't seem to bother me, EXCEPT when it involves torture....ew, and sick!

    I keep telling my hubby that he needs to get stationed in Europe so I can explore!

  45. I'm a HUGE Tudors fan and HUGE English history fan!!!! I don't have Showtime so I'll have to wait for the dvd collection to come out. They got a lot of stuff wrong but it was so beautiful to know, the non-beheading stuff, lol!

  46. "Saving Private Ryan" weirded me out too, but mine was the part at the end where the German s-l-o-w-l-y stabbed an American soldeie while saying "SShhhhh!" Freaked. Me. OUT.

    And my shoulder just popped from raising my hand and wildly waving it about, volunteering to go on the Henry VIII tour!!

  47. I read one of your older posts about The Tudors so I checked it out on Netflix. I LOVE it! I'm a big history buff so it's right up my alley.


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