Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Fake Mile High Club

“Mommy? I need to pee,” Natalie said seriously.

I winced. “Natalie. You don’t want to pee in here. This is an airplane. Airplane bathrooms are scary. And small. And Mommy has indulged herself while we were visiting your grandparents so I’m not quite sure my butt would even squeeze into that tiny room with you. So if you could just hold it—”

“” Natalie gave me her scary look. The one that said if I didn’t take her to the bathroom, that she’d pee all over herself and then scream about it the rest of the way.

I didn’t have a choice.

“Are you absolutely positive? It’s really small and there’s usually a smell. I don’t know how people join the mile high club. I mean, how would they manage?” I rambled. I ramble on airplanes because flying makes me nervous. Rambling helps me forget that I’m thousands and thousands of feet in the air and could pummel to the ground at any second.

“What’s a mile high club?” Tommy wondered, looking up from his Nintendo DS game.


“It’s um…when people go into the airplane bathrooms and…play monopoly.”

It was the first thing that popped into my head. So great, now if anyone is like, “We can play Monopoly on board!” Tommy will say, “Oh cool, you’re joining the mile high club then.”


“Pee, pee, pee,” Natalie chanted.

I sighed. “Fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. Tommy, you stay here.”

Normally I drag him along with us. But we were in an airplane. If someone took him, where would they go?

I led Natalie towards the bathroom. I’m not sure how, but we both squeezed inside of it.

And yes, there was a smell.

Plus a pee soaked tissue in the toilet.


“Hurry it up,” I begged.

“I like it in here,” Natalie said happily. Of course she would. I mean, she thinks going to the dentist is pretty cool so why wouldn’t she be disgusted by an airplane bathroom?

When we go back to our seats, Tommy was still there and Natalie went, “The bathroom is cool, Tommy.”

Were we in the same one? I would not qualify it as cool.

We had to take a shuttle service back home when we landed. I was nervous about this, because driving with a stranger wasn’t my idea of fun. But this shuttle service works with the military a lot, so I figured we’d be safe. Still, I had my guard up when I found the guy. I was prepared to attack if need be. My purse was full of change, my suitcase was heavy, and my daughter had a scream that could pierce an eardrum.

He was nice though.

Only, when I first got into the car, I realized he had on one of those CDs that basically say, “Don’t focus on the negative. Focus on the positive. I visualized having a skirt one day and a week later, I had that skirt because I thought positively about it.”


I was a little nervous then. Who was this guy? Why was he making me listening to this?

“Have you heard about The Secret?” he asked.

I blinked wondering if he was coming on to me. Then I remembered a popular book coming out called The Secret. Or something. “I think so?”

“This is the CD from that.”

Oh. Well.

The lady on the CD was British and sounded a bit like Angela Landsbury. I wondered if she was still alive. She was so cute on Murder, She Wrote.

“Don’t use words like horrible, awful, or terrible,” Angela Landsbury told me. “Use words like wonderful, fantastic, and great.”

Oh my God. What if this guy was listening to this stuff to control his anger? To keep himself from lashing out and abducting us all?

Or what if this was how he lured his victims? By playing affirmations and then when they were lost in all the “think happy thoughts” bit, he struck?

I griped the handle of my purse in case I had to swing at him. What if he took us all into a ditch and left us there with the CD playing? Death by affirmations?

I nibbled on my fingernail as Angela Landsbury told me a story about how she visualized having flowers and then a bouquet showed up at her house a little while later.

So if I think about having tons of cash, a bunch will show up at my door next month?


I tried to calm myself down by playing Angry Birds on my iPod Touch. But the birds were making me angry when they wouldn’t do what I was asking them to do. And then I worried that I wasn’t paying enough attention to Affirmation Dude and figured I ought to stop playing. I needed to make sure he was taking me home and not someplace in the opposite direction.

Oh my God, he’s taking me to Longmont! Where is that? Where is—oh right, it’s on the way home. Phew. Everything is okay.

And everything was okay. We made it home and the house was still here with the contents inside of it, so I was pleased.

Though truth be told, I did have dreams of Angela Landsbury reminding me to think positive thoughts, because negative ones will get me no where.

Okay, Angela. I’ll think that even though I consume a lot of chocolate that it won’t make my thighs expand.

That’s positive, yes?


  1. How GREAT for you. I stuck my fingers in my ears every time someone mentioned that book, the vidoes, or the cds. Ewww.

  2. Airplane bathrooms are so nasty! Sorry Natalie made you go in there!

  3. I would prefer those who are taking me places to think positively.

    You don't want the pilot going, "Oh great! We're NEVER going to make that runway. We might as well not even try!"

  4. Did the money show up? (guess you weren't positive enough)

  5. You realize at some point your son is going to finally realize that the Mile High club is NOT for playing Monopoly... and you're going to have some questions to answer......

  6. That Secret thing is so annoying. A neighbor gave us a 365 day calendar one year with a "secret" on each page :P

    Ugh, I tossed it by February, it was so annoying

  7. OH No another bathroom experience for Natalie! She's too CUTE! I'm laughing at her liking the airplane bathroom!

  8. So funny. I was on a plane and I guess I had the I-have-to-pee look on my face because the lady sitting next to me asked if she could hold my (then) baby so I could go to the bathroom. I had the same thought - where could she take him? And, I certainly didn't want to take him in there with me.

  9. Hahahaha! This is my favorite post that I have read in a long time. It takes talent to make an experience that could be an every day one, into something highly entertaining to read. I felt like I was there with you (but not in a creepy way) :)

  10. I've been sitting over here, with my eyes squeezed shut, thinking positive thoughts about the cellulite on my thighs disappearing. Nope, still there.

  11. I've watched a DVD about The Secret. It's... interesting.

    I love/hate Angry Birds. Stupid birds.

  12. well anything that has to do with angela lansbury is fine by me! i love MSW! but yeah...that guy... maybe a wee bit crazy!

  13. You are truly my hero. I am TERRIFIED of flying (nope, I've never flown) so I couldn't imagine flying AND being responsible for two little ones.

    My daughter loves to hold over me the fact that she has flown to Sweden and back. (She was 15 and with a sports team) I'm just happy she's not scared like me!

  14. My MIL has sent me the Secret twice. That will teach me for lying the first time and saying I "lent it out." I have yet to read either copy.

  15. Glad you made it home safe, and yeah, I am going to agree with some of the other people, you are one strong chica to deal with flying by yourself with children!! Impressive stuff! I couldn't do it!

  16. I may have giggled a bit at this post and dropped my cupcake... and it was a margarita cupcake! Oh well... totally worth it.

    Your bathroom stories are HILARIOUS. I just picture her sitting there totally drifting off into 3 year old la la land while you are having to wait for an epic amount of time.

    Angry Birds and Words with Friends are the worst time suckers ever. I'm prettymuchjulia on W.W.F.

    Keep writing- good stuff!

  17. I don't get Mile High Club fans, least sexy place ever. I don't even like to pee in those places.

  18. I'm "positive" that "secret" nonsense is utter bollox!! How did you keep from losing your mind?? Oh right...never mind!

    Welcome home - again!!

    And Happy New Year!!!!!!

  19. I swear, reading that made me smell the bathroom...eww!

  20. I wonder about those Mile High Club people every single time I step foot in a tiny little nasty airplane bathroon. Yuck!

  21. lol..
    sounds like an interesting trip home.. to say the least!!!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. Question. What is the Mile High Club? I've never flown...on a plane. As for being groped: I'm sure I'd arouse trouble. Did you and yours get groped by the TSA?

  23. Urgh. I would have asked the guy to shut off the "noise."

    Glad you made it home safely.

  24. hahaha I loved this read :) I could hear your daughter in my head.
    I don't get the mile high club either,toilets and arousal??? nope. lol

  25. Loved the fact that your daughter liked the bathroom. Obviously, she has read The Secret.

  26. Girl. . . Sometimes I don't know how you keep up with yourself! But I'm always glad that it seems to work out in the end! Happy New Year!

  27. hey...this may seem a bit wierd but I clicked on your mighty girls site button on the right and it took me to a porn site...? Maybe you are into that sort of thing and if you are, I apologize lol...if not, you may want to fix it.
    love your blog btw!

  28. I think that the fact that Natalie has to go into EVERY bathroom is hilarious. I wouldn't think that it was hilarious if I had to deal with that on a daily basis, but it is funny from afar. Think of all of the stories you can tell her dates in high school in order to embarrass her!

  29. Your version of the Mile High Club is so much more family friendly! I bought the Secret when it came out and did all of that visualization and positive affirmation stuff and wrote out my goals and plastered them all over where I could see them and ... nothing! Your shuttle driver should have just put on some good music!


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