Top Ten Things That I'll Never Do

There are some things that I know I’ll never do, in no particular order. I decided to make a top ten list of what those things are. Mind you, I’m not poking fun if these are things that YOU do. I’d still most likely be friends with you. I have friends who actually DO the things on this list. Just remember, these are simply things on MY list.



1. Be on Survivor



It’s just, I like to eat. And not stuff like raw snails or bark. Plus, I’d suck at the games, especially the swimming ones. I only know how to dog paddle so there I’d be, dog paddling to the flag while my teammates screamed, “Amber! GO! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE FUNNY!” and I’d yell back, “I’m not trying to be funny, THIS IS HOW I SWIM!” I’d either get kicked out for that, or my temper. I tend to get cranky when I’m hungry, cold, and have gone without my caffeine so I’d eventually start telling people to “Fu*k off, unless they could find me a Diet Coke.”



2. Consider the man the head of the house



It’s hard for me to take someone seriously when they don’t know how to put their dirty socks in the clothes hamper or are thrilled to hold a can of Booty Sweat. My marriage is completely equal although if I’m being honest, I usually get the final say because Tom says I get mean when I don’t.



3. Become a vegan



It’s great for the people who are (Natalie Portman, for one…) But I need my meat. I like a big slab of steak or a Steak Umm sandwich.



4. Wear a cardigan loosely tied around my neck



Come on. Do I LOOK like the type of woman to wear that? No offense to those that do, but because Hollywood has made people like these snobs in movies or television shows, I immediately think of that when a see a person walking around with a cardigan around their neck.


5. Only purchase organic items



I’ll take the regular stuff. I take the regular cakes like the one pictured, too. I once went to the party where the cake was this organic mess with vegetables somehow hidden in it. No. Just no. Birthdays are for frosting and real cake.


6. Speak another language fluently



I know some French since I took it in high school and the first part of college. Though one time during a test I accidentally wrote the word for shit when I meant the word hat. Imagine my teacher’s surprise when she saw “Je voudrais merde, sil vous plait,” scribbled on my paper.



7. Give up reading



I could never give up my books. I love them too much. Even when my children try to take them away from me, I still press on.



8. Become a Twi-hard



I try not to freak out when a grown adult asks me what team I’m on. I have to bite my tongue from saying, “I’m team I’m 28 so I feel I’m past the age to even have a team.” I can understand being a fan of the series but some people take it way too disturbingly far.


9. Like mushrooms



They are fungus. They are not meant to be liked.


10. Be the serious one in the relationship



I’m too hyper. Tom just goes along with it. In this photo it’s like he’s a wax statue and I’m a tourist being totally inappropriate with it.