Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Birds and the Bees

“I think it’s cool that you have eggs inside you,” Tommy said matter-of-factly as I settled down at the table to eat my dinner.

I picked up my fork. “Well. Thank you, Tommy.” I’m used to bizarre statements from him. He once informed me that he didn’t like his nipples.

“I have sperms,” Tommy continued.

I flicked my eyes at Natalie. That’s all I needed was for Natalie to repeat the word and ask her preschool teachers, “My brother has sperms. Do you?” Thankfully Natalie was busy poking her Hamburger Helper. Sometimes I feel like she plays with her food more than she eats it.

“You do, but it’s not really appropriate dinner conversation,” I explained.

“The sperms fertilize the egg and the cells divide and walah, a baby!” Tommy prattled on. He was reading from his book about the Human Body that he had in his lap. A couple of months ago he was curious on how babies grew inside women so he decided to learn all about it. This means I’ve had to endure many talks about eggs, sperm, uteruses, c-sections, “did they use scissors on your vagina?”, forceps…

“How about we put the book away for now?” I tried again. Was I not speaking English?

Tommy shut the book with a sigh. “I think it’s cool that you have a uterus, too,” he offered. He patted his stomach. “I don’t have one which means I won’t carry a baby.”

I chewed on my Cheeseburger Macaroni. “Well, at least you won’t lose your figure.”

Tommy took a bite of his dinner. “Do you know sometimes doctors have to use vacuums to get the baby out? They stick it on the baby’s head and,” he made a sucking sound, “the baby is pulled out like that.”

I probably shouldn’t have let him watch One Born Every Minute.

And now my macaroni was beginning to look like the goo that is sometimes on babies when they come out of the mother.


“You’re done having babies, right?” Tommy asked worriedly.

“Unless I marry John Krasinski,” I answered.

Tommy blinked at me.

“Yes, Tommy, I’m done having babies.”

Tommy let out a breath of relief. “Good. I don’t want you to get fat again and plus, babies are loud and they hurt my ears.”

He really has such a nice way of putting things….

I sipped my Diet Coke. Tommy knows all about how babies grow…but I wasn’t sure if he knew how the sperm and the egg met. Should I ask him? Wasn’t he too young to know about sex? Wait, what if he knows about sex? There was that time when he walked in on Tom and I doing the nasty and I said something like, “Oh, we’re telling secrets!” Then Tom shot me a disbelieving look and went, “Telling secrets? What kind of thing is that to say?” I didn’t know. It was the first thing that came from my mouth. I mean, it’s startling to see your child staring wide-eyed at you from the doorway while you’re laying there in the buff.

“Tommy,” I began. I might as well inquire. Suppose he thought the sperm magically jumped in the woman? Clearly he was beyond the stork theory.

Tommy looked over.

“Do you know…..I mean, do you….it’s just that….” Oh God, I turned into Gary Busey. I couldn’t form a coherent sentence. “Do you know how…the egg and sperm meet?”

I win the award for Inappropriate Dinner Conversations.

Tommy stared at me as though I had just informed him that I didn’t have any underwear on.

Oh God. I embarrassed him. I had embarrassed my—

“Sex, of course.” Tommy said it easily, as though we were discussing the weather.

I almost fell out of my seat.

My nine-year-old used the s-word in front of me. My nine-year-old knew about….he knew…he…

My mouth turned dry. It felt like I had been sucking on cotton.

“You’re right,” I confirmed. “It’s….I…..”

“Mommy?” Tommy asked.

Oh no. Was it a sex question? I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I barely even remember what sex IS since Tom has been gone since August…

“Yes?” I replied meekly.

“Can we have ice cream for dessert?”

My shoulders sagged with relief. Tommy might know about sex, but he still wants ice cream.

He’s still my baby.

Who happens to know about uteruses.

Oh, he still believes in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

But he could talk your ear off about c-sections.


I guess....


  1. I am so glad my 3 year old doesnt read...he is already asking way too many questions about how the baby got in my tummy and how its going to get out. According to him (and I haven't quite yet set him straight) the baby got in through my foot, and the doctor is going to stick some tools down my throat and the baby will hold on tight and the doctor will pull it out.

  2. Oh my! that sounds almost like my conversation yesterday with my 12 yr old son. Oh I wish there was a man around to talk to him about it!

    Good thing Ice cream is still a distraction!

  3. Maybe he's an OBGYN in the making!

  4. Buwahaha! You're right, you all win the award for inappropriate dinner conversations!

  5. Found you on Me Sew Crazy's blog roll - you crack me up! I'm in love already! I don't know how you hold it together with all the craziness in your life - I only have ONE kid - and she's only ONE, but some days I feel like pulling my hair out. I'll stop and think of your crazy life and remind myself to smile! :)

    I'm your newest follower!

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  6. he is a character!!! And this post made me really want Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni.. yum!!!!!

  7. Holy crapola. That was good - LOL

  8. Oh my! I can't even imagine. Whatever you do, do NOT get the cartoon character book.

  9. Man, dinners at your place are so interesting - nobody ever asks me about my uterus!

  10. I wonder if John wants a child...

  11. ROFL! When my son was three, he saw me leaning over without a bra on and asked if "those" were my penises. GREAT! And recently, my 5 yr old daughter told me that I wear a bra because my boobs are fat. NICE!

  12. ahhh, the conversations I could repeat after 4 children...the baby just turned 10 and there is a 20 year span between oldest and youngest. Thats right, THIRTY YEARS I have been doing this (insert crazy cackle HERE) but always love reading your stories anyway...
    he sounds like an amazing child, Amber.
    You are very blessed.

  13. family really needs to work on our dinner conversations. We are soooo boring by comparison. ;)

  14. He's had this book for months and you're just NOW posting on it?!?

    Makes our conversation about origami sound dull....

    PS--remind me to have you hide all your books before we come over for a playdate. ;)

  15. Thank you for being so funny and knowing how to properly punctuate your writing. I was reading another blog before I read yours today and it was like they just decided to stick some commas in for the heck of it. Annoying.

    More importantly, I love your blog.

  16. Ha ha! OH my!!! I just love reading your "stories".

  17. LOL! Keep him this way for as loooong as you can.

  18. I have an 8yr old who probably would be your son's new BFF. We have the same type inappropriate dinner conversations.

    Also, my husband tells my boys that we are "discussing their futures" much like you telling him you were "telling secrets". Ha!

  19. Better he learn about it from his mom and mom-approved books than surf the for the nasty on the internet. Kids are growing up fast these days...I remember "Health Class" in the 8th or 9th grade, where the boys and girls were separated into different rooms to watch a movie about "health." The 1980s were cool that way. :-)

  20. This is the best/hilarious thing I have read in a long time! I can't wait to have conversations like this with my future kids :)

  21. I think your son is awesome. My almost-four year old currently thinks babies come about because daddy plants a seed in mummy the way we plant seeds in soil. And I'm sticking with that story for as long as possible.

  22. Oh my gosh, this post had me laughing so hard....Tommy truly is adorable! :)

  23. You crack me up! What a great mom you are and what great kids! Thanks for a well needed laugh!

  24. So my daughter asked me if she could get back in my belly today...she's two. :(

  25. I randomly stumbled across your blog today, and am so glad I did. I was almost peeing my pants laughing while reading this post. :D

    Have an awesome day!

  26. I am NOT looking forward to conversations like this one!

  27. Awesome! Tommy is a bright boy!

    Nobody has ever complimented me for having a uterus.

  28. SO FUNNY! My mom is an OB nurse, so I had to read this out loud to her! She was very impressed and said Tommy will probably be a brilliant scientist or a doctor that wants to specialized in OB!

  29. Oh my gosh this had me cracking up in the school library! Literally, people are staring at me while I laugh. That's awesome that he understands all that already though...maybe he'll be a doctor one day!!!

  30. Oldest and I had our talk a few months back (he's 10). He replied that he would never have wanted to know if he had known it would be so gross.


  31. Sounds a lot like me when I was little. I had inappropriate dinner conversation down to an art, complete with arguing with my father and discussing things like chin pubes, etc. See, it's not just you and your kids. Kids in general are trouble. ;) Goodness knows, I'd probably die if my baby girl said the "s" word. Ha! You're far tougher than I.

  32. Oh. My. Gawd. That is hysterical! Thank you, once again, for making me smile.

  33. This is priceless. Really. You should just take all your blogs and turn them into a novel. Why not? You have it all here! The book is here.

  34. It's a good thing you're done having kids because we wouldn't want you to get fat... OMG that totally cracks me up!!

  35. I think it's pretty cool that women have eggs, too, Tommy. Ha. He is such a sweetheart. I'm glad he's so eager to learn these things!

  36. Wow... I don't know how I would handle that. I've got 5 of them here, and I'm waiting for one of them to ask questions. I think I'll pass that on to Corey lol

  37. The idea of talking to my 9yo daughter makes me want to voimit...yuck.

  38. Oh the “talk”. Yep, been there done that with my oldest. Then my oldest did that for the youngest! And I had to do “damage control”! ;-)

  39. Ack! Does this mean my 6-year-old will know the "s" word in 3 years? Do I need to tell him the "s" word now? You have got me all kinds of messed up in my head now. I'll first see if he wants ice cream and if seems totally in love with that...I'll pass on teaching him that word...for now. Lazy and pathetic, right?

  40. I can so imagine you and the kids sitting at the table with your cheeseburger macaroni hamburger helper having this conversation with Tommy. lol Its always ackward to talk about the "s" word for the first time, when they probably know more than we think they do already! When I gave my oldest the talk about periods and women, he was 11 and we were driving in the car...seemed like the right time to me! lol He burst into tears! I felt so terrible! He actually wouldnt look at me for 2 days and was so angry with me for telling him about periods. We laugh about it now. lol Tommy is smart one...keep an eye on that one! lol

  41. How utterly boring our dinner conversations must be... "honey, stop licking the window"... but that S-word from my kid would freeze the blood in my veins.

    I completely snorted several times through your post - and thoroughly needed it. Thanks for the laughs. Now I need to go ask forgiveness because now it'll happen to me. That's how it works, right?

  42. OH Boy.....I'm not ready for this conversation.
    My boy is 8.5 and I'm sure has the same intrigue and curiosity.
    I think he is a very typical normal boy. They can say sex without really knowing what happens.
    Gavin thinks that snuggling means sex. I found this out when I asked him to snuggle and watch a movie with me. LOL.....he was horrified! OMG!

  43. I am dying, DYING with laughter. Love the nonchalant "can we have ice cream for dessert" at the end. Kids, they are just so random aren't they!
    My middle one (she is 3) asked the other day what boys had (she saw a friend of mine changing her sons diaper a few days prior) I told her penis. So now for the last 3 days completely out of nowhere she will announce Daddy has a Penis, right mom! That of course couldn't be bad enough that my 5 year old adds... Well, you could also call it a weiner!

    Kids - gotta love them, because we can't really lock them in the closet LOL :)

  44. My husband, "Wow this kid is smarter than me. I still dont know how it works." Thanks Mr. C.

    You're a riot!

  45. LOL This made me laugh SO hard!


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