Monday, August 12, 2013

You Don't Mess With A Man's Truck

I turned the key and...a horrible clicking sound occurred and...nothing.

“Shit!” I said and tried again. Same thing. “Double shit!”

I had broken my husband’s truck.

His precious truck that I promised to take care of when he was deployed.

And now it wouldn’t start.

I tried again.


“Please, please, please,” I pleaded. “Please.”

Still nothing.

I don’t speak truck. I didn’t know what was wrong, though I had an idea. The battery was probably dead. See, I don’t drive trucks. Big vehicles frighten me. I’d hit people and things in big vehicles. I know my limits. It’s why I have a small car. I thought I would be okay with simply starting Tom’s truck once a week. But no. I was mistaken.

“By the powers invested in me, I command you to start,” I tried one last time.


Stupid truck.

I jumped out of it and started muttering to myself like a lunatic. I talk to myself when I’m stressed. While I was doing this a man walked past with his dog. I suppose I looked crazed because he went, “Can I help with something?”

“Oh. The truck won’t start. My husband is deployed and I think I broke it.”

He sucked in his breath. “You don’t want to mess with a man’s truck.”

I KNOW! I didn’t MEAN to mess with a man’s truck. It was supposed to stay happy and content, dammit.

I had to tell Tom. I suppose I could have kept quiet because how would he know? But I cannot lie to my husband. Plus, he asks me weekly how his truck is doing as though it were another one of his children.

So I told him the truth.

“You broke my truck!” he said. His tone was joking, but I could see the worry in his eyes.

“I didn’t!” I promised. “I’ll fix it. Somehow.” I contemplated flashing my breasts at him to distract him.

I asked the neighbor to jump it and still nothing. The clicking noise continued. Why wouldn’t it just START? Why must vehicles be so complicated?

I always seem to have issues with them when Tom goes.

When he was in Korea, my car liked to die on me. But I could have it jumped and it would come back to me.

The truck refused. It was like it was saying, “I’m off on vacation. Peace.”

Then Tom began saying, “I’ll just get a new truck.”

We cannot afford a new truck! I know he practically drools all over himself when he sees a newer model but no, no, and no. If I were Tom Cruise I would have presented him with a brand new one complete with one of those gigantic red bows on the top. As it is, I am (basically) sane and not Tom Cruise so I had to figure out a way to fix his current (all paid for) truck.

I had a friend’s husband come and take the battery out. I figured I could take it to a car place and have it checked. So I did that. Truck batteries, by the way, are heavy. I struggled carrying it in. The second I got through the doors a man rushed over to help because I suppose it looked like I could keel over any moment and knock over the display of oil. He took the battery and hooked it up to see if it was dead.

“Uh,” he said after a few minutes. “It’s dead. It’s not coming back.”

“RIP,” I joked and he blinked at me.

I picked out a new battery, paid for that, and the man kindly took it out to my car for me.

Then I had the friend’s husband come back to the house and replace the battery. After he finished with that he told me to start the truck.

“Please,” I mumbled as I climbed into the driver’s seat. “Start.” I turned the key and…VAROOM VAROOM…the truck was back!

“Oh, you stubborn witch,” I said softly. Of course the truck is a woman.

So basically I learned that vehicles must be driven. My friend has already offered to drive the stupid thing around the neighborhood. I’ll also continue to start it every couple of days. If all goes well, Tom should be home in two months.

I can keep it alive for two months, right?


  1. Oh, yikes!

    I'm glad you got it figured out. I'm impressed you thought to take the battery in. I probably just would have let it sit there and waited for my husband to get back. Or until someone else came and fixed it for me. I'm such a girl when it comes to vehicles.

  2. You might want to just plug in a "trickle charger" that will keep the battery topped up - Its best if the thing is driven around a little once a week or so - but keeping the charge up might "do it" too - there is so much stuff in a new truck/car that doesn't power down when the thing is shut off (for instance the anti-theft light) - the battery still drains -

  3. Yay for getting it to start! And two months? Easy peasy . . . (not really, but just keep telling yourself that). ;)

  4. I've heard that hideous "click-click" sound twice in my life. It's such a hideous little sound.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE when you commanded it to start. Bwahahahaha. That was hysterical!!

    So glad you got it up and working. You DON'T want to mess with a man's truck!! --Lisa

  5. Isn't it enough for you to keep the kids running? But to add your car and his truck to the mix is a lot for a gal. I'd say you're doing a bang-up job of it all though!

  6. OMG! When I was alone while my husband went on a week long fishing trip to the Texas Coast his truck died too. I knew right away it was the battery too because it happened to my car once.

    Oh I was fit to be tied because I had taken the thing to Auto Zone to have the battery checked, it was dead, may it RIP,and then bought him a new one. Dang! Those things are expensive!

    Well it turned out David never told me that he was going to go to Auto Zone to get a new battery when he got back. He was so excited to go fishing that he forgot to tell me not to use his truck. He's lucky I didn't kill him when he got home.

  7. Kudos to you for lugging that battery in and replacing it! I would have figured - if it's dead it can stay dead till Tom got back!

  8. Oh yay that it was fairly simple repair. And with the plan you have in place, I think you can keep it alive for two months.

  9. I'm a wreck every time I drive Greg's truck. I like my little bitty car I feel more in control of it.

  10. Same thing happened to me the other week but luckily mine finally started so I could drive it to the auto parts place!

  11. at least the battery is an easy fix and it wasn't the starter or anything!

  12. Oh how I hate to hear click click. It makes my heart sink into my belly and start weeping. I don't know why I panic like that, after all my husband is a mechanic, he can fix it. But click, makes me cry like a 5 year old on their first day of school when mommy is trying to leave.

  13. Up until the "wouldn't start" bit I thought you were talking about a trunk! I thought Tom had a very special trunk with an old lock and all...

  14. hahahaha..laughed at "I command you to start." Laughed more at your idea of flashing your breasts to distract him.
    I'm glad it was just the battery. I wanted to chime in the whole time I read this with, "It's not your fault! Just bad luck/timing! You didn't break his truck!"

    And now I see that I was right!

  15. Glad it was just the battery! My old van used to die if I didn't drive it every day. Pain in the rear!!

  16. According to Click and Clack (the Car brothers on NPR), a car/truck has to be driven 5 miles every week so that the battery doesn't die.

  17. Yay You! You got the truck to come back to life again. I hate car problems and I have to agree with the neighbor. You don't mess with a man's truck.

  18. I don't speak "truck" either. I would have been a hot mess also. I am glad you got it back working. You don't mess with a man's motorcycle either. I learned that the hard way.

  19. Ok. I will be right over cuz I love to drive pick-up trucks!

  20. Bad for the engine to just start it and run it for a few minutes. Best is to have somebody drive it for a half hour every few weeks, and not just start and let it run in the driveway.

  21. I can sooo see you cursing at the truck and wishing it to come to life - and 2 months?!? That is so doable and so awesome!!!! Now just send him a truck themed care package just to show him you were able to take care of it.

  22. I hear you. My husband has a big 4-wheel drive thing and I had to drive it once.

    Thought I was dying. I was petrified.

    And yes. A man's truck is a woman. Totally agree.

  23. She flashes breasts and Tom says, "what truck?


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