Monday, September 28, 2015

Facebook Statuses (And What People Are Probably Thinking About Them.)

Ah, Facebook. It can be a glorious place.

It can also be a place that makes a person want to pull out their hair.

I've seen a lot of posts that make me roll my eyes. Curse. Give it the finger. Shriek, "Are they serious?" Sometimes I discuss Facebook posts that I've seen with friends. Most of us think the same things about them. So I decided to make a post on what people are PROBABLY thinking about certain status updates.




--STATUS UPDATE: I bought a homeless man dinner, donated to a charity, and tipped our waitress 30%!

What everyone is probably thinking....

You do realize you don't have to share every kind thing you do, right? You can just do nice things and keep it to yourself.


--STATUS UPDATE: "I love my wife more than anything in the world! She is my everything!" "I love my husband soooo much! We have the best time together!"

What everyone is probably thinking....

Fakers. You probably fight like cats and dogs in real life.


--STATUS UPDATE: LIKE this photo of a dying child for a prayer. IGNORE and the child dies.


What everyone is probably thinking....

Liking a Facebook photo does nothing. God agrees. Stop it.


--STATUS UPDATE: UNFRIEND me if you are a Republican.


What everyone is probably thinking...

Okay, psycho. *Clicks. Unfriends*



--STATUS UPDATE: *Insert Facebook name here* has added you to the group Jamberry Party!


What everyone is probably thinking:

Excuse me? Did I say I wanted to join? No? *Removes self and refuses to buy a thing*


--STATUS UPDATE: Leave me ONE WORD on how we met. Otherwise I'll know you aren't a true friend.


What everyone is probably thinking...

Not this nonsense again. For the love of all things holy. Stop it with these. I don't want to. If you don't consider me a friend because I won't write down a freaking WORD on your Facebook status, see ya.


--STATUS UPDATE: Insert Facebook friend name here* has started a GoFundMe for "a lot of bills!"


What everyone is probably thinking...

Um. Pay you own bills. It's not our responsibility. If something traumatic has occurred, perhaps I'll help. But if it's just not budgeting properly, nope.



--STATUS UPDATE: I'm so sad!


What everyone is probably thinking...

Stop vaguebooking. WHY are you sad? If I ask why and you reply, "I don't wanna say..." it's hard for me to be sympathetic.


--STATUS UPDATE: Stop drinking Diet Coke! It'll kill you.


What everyone is probably thinking...

I'm going to die anyway. (As they drink a Diet Coke.)


--STATUS UPDATE: *Insert Facebook friend name here* has shared ANOTHER photo of them sitting in the car.


What everyone is probably thinking...

Here we go again. What am I supposed to say? Nice car interior? Nice hair? Nice sunglasses? Nice pores, what cleanser do you use for your face?


--STATUS UPDATE: STOP SPOILING TV SHOWS!


What everyone is probably thinking...

STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA THEN!


--STATUS UPDATE: Just woke up.

Just had breakfast.

Just took the kids to school.

Just took a pee.

Just cleaned the kitchen.

Just ate lunch.



What everyone is probably thinking...

Holy balls, we don't need to know every aspect of your day.



--STATUS UPDATE: Name a good Mexican restaurant around here. And GO!


What everyone is probably thinking...


Is the "go" part necessary? Why not just ask the question and leave at that? I'm irritated now and am literally going to go.



25 comments:

  1. facebook, the place for political rants...drives me insane. and i always say if a couple goes on and on about how much they love each other, it's a bunch of bs.

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  2. I had the "and go!"!!!!! It irritates me for the exact same reason and I refuse to answer out of principle at that point. I too could care less about the Jamberry crap and immediately remove myself from the group so that crap doesn't show up every other post in my newsfeed.

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  3. Yes to all!! I always delete people who say delete me if....or I may lose friends for saying this but.... People who share wound pictures and things about animal abuse always makes me want to hunt them down and punch them in the face.

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  4. Yesterday my cousin posted something like, "Yep, it was inevitable. I saw it coming three or four weeks ago." And then when someone asked what she was talking about (um, also inevitable) she was like, "Things."

    VAGUEBOOKING DRIVES ME CRAZY. And a huge YES to all the others, too.

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  5. At least now I have a name for it: "vaguebooking." Perfect. Thank you! And I think some of those "click to help the sick child" or "share this if you're my friend" posts start out as phishing scams so somebody is collecting IP addresses that they sell.

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  6. Lmao. I see Facebook still sucks!

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  7. Hahahahaha!!! Oh Facebook, both annoying and comical at the same time.

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  8. If you know my wife Suzanne, you do know she means what she posts and it is no fake. She is the most sincere person I have ever known, without guile. She is simple, but no fool. And when I say I love her too. I mean it.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I'm sure. My husband and I will say I love you on Facebook. Just not on a daily basis. The ones who do it on a daily basis seem to be seeking attention.

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  9. Hahahaha! I hate the "unfriend me if...." because way to be open-minded. :/ I think it's really odd when couples sit there and talk back and forth of fb to each other when they're in the same room (except for this one couple friend I have because their conversations are pee your pants funny).

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  10. Now I have a few more reasons to not have a Facebook account! Thank you for your sweet comment! Have a great week!

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  11. This is the reason why I stay off Facebook for the most part. So annoying for the most part.

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  12. haha, these are all pet peeves. I have so many I can't even write them all. It's bad out there, though.
    Instead of a dislike button, I want a "For the love of all that is holy, please stop" button.

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  13. I love this list!! Vague statuses and over use of the make-up apps are killing me lately.

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  14. You are so on point with the "Vaguebooking" thing. What a good name for it.

    Also, to be totally honest, I am so that super cheesy, share-all-the-lovey-emotions person. On my blog. On Instagram. On Facebook. To my poor friends in person (I really try to keep that to a minimum because I know it can be annoying). I just want to share all the happy feelings. ;) Christopher doesn't use social media much, but when he does it tends to be the same sort of "reasons my wife is awesome". And truth be told - we really mean it. And we don't secretly hate each other or fight. I mean, we've disagreed before, but we never yell at each other or call names or anything like that. Anyway, I'm not offended by what you said - I definitely have had that feeling of "wow, they seem to be trying too hard or hiding something" when I see stuff like that. I just couldn't pretend like we aren't totally those cheesy "I love you" sort of people. ;)

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  15. I do try to avoid Diet Coke. I don't really care what my Facebook friends drink or don't drink.

    Agreed re: many of these and the Jamberry one really made me giggle. Oh. Yeah. - Louise

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  16. I'm laughing at so many of these! So true! How about all those people posting whatever the hell it was today... Always interesting to pick out the not so smarties, based off of statuses. And really, the updates every half hour... GET A TWITTER!

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  17. BAHAHAHA This is great...! Nice pores...! Argh, the GoFundMe for trips is just inane. Why should I pay for you to take a holiday?? Are you paying for my holidays!!??!? No! So F off!

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  18. Vaguebooking makes me stabby.

    We know a couple who are constantly bragging about their relationship. It's incessant. We mock them mercilessly.

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  19. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was hilarious!! I'm definitely using "nice car interior!" for the next car selfie I see. :) So funny. I definitely get irritated by the vauge posts and the random invites to parties. Bah.

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  20. Hahah, yes! I agree with all of these!

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  21. I agree with all of these, especially the Go Fund Me stuff. I think it's just rude. And you know what I want to say to everyone that posts one? "I'm sorry I can't contribute to your Go Fund Me right now. See, I had brain aneurysm surgery and we owe $10,000 that we are paying off *ourselves* because it's no one else's problem but ours. You know what was helpful when I had surgery? People bringing meals and watching my kids. That's how I know my friends cared.

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  22. These are so true! Though now I am ducking my head in shame as I have totally done the and Go one! ;)

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  23. I giggled at these, because I have definitely thought some of these thoughts. And I have certainly done the "and go" one - many times. It's the way I talk, and I try to be who I am without regarding if others will agree of make sense of it. We're all wildly unique after all! I have a hard time jumping on the hate/Unfriend train. I think everyone has the right to post whatever they like (within FB rules). I am in no way qualified to be judging anyone's outward expressions.

    Funny post. I enjoyed it. :)

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Thanks for the comment!

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