Friday, June 12, 2009

More Letters to Tom

I've done these letters before and figured it was time to do them one more time.

My husband Tom is on TDY at military dog working school for a few more weeks. I write him letters to keep his spirits up because sometimes he calls and he sounds all depressed. Which, no offense, he shouldn’t sound depressed because if I got all that quiet time I’d be leaping in the air and clicking my heels. But Tom can get into these funks where nothing can make him crack a smile and it’s frustrating.

I do hope my letters cheer him up a little bit though.

The first one is the kind of letter that I actually send him:

Dear Tom,

I miss you! Especially at night. Sometimes I watch those shows about ghosts and aliens and you know me, I freak out. I miss being able to curl up in your lap as you assure me that ET isn’t going to come down and abduct me.

That IS pretty cool that some of the dogs you work with will eventually be retired and will need homes. Maybe in a few years, Tom. Right now I’m not sure my sanity can handle it.

The kids are doing well. Natalie will sometimes ask where you are and it is so cute. Tommy is also thrilled for you to be home. I think he’s fed up with the fact that I have no clue how to put Legos together. I do try, I really do, but somehow the instructions confuse me and Tommy gets frustrated and tells me that I’m doing it all wrong.

I’ve been making all sorts of different dinners so that when you come home I’ll have some new things to cook. I understand that a person can only eat so much spaghetti.

I can’t wait until we can go on a date, just the two of us. It’ll be so much fun! Afterwards we can go to a movie—I know we can’t agree on one but surely we’ll figure something out.

I’ll be seeing you in exactly two weeks. I picture us clapping eyes as I walk into the building where you’ll be graduating and our hearts will swell with love. I’ll gaze at you lovingly like they do on Grey’s Anatomy and you’ll gaze back and then we’ll start running with our arms spread and you’ll pick me up and spin me around as you kiss my lips. Then our children will rush over and throw their arms around us and we’ll be standing there in a beautiful family hug.

I can’t wait, Tom. I’ll see you soon.
Love,
Amber


This is the letter that I WANT to send to him:



Tom,

Holy shit you need to come home! I keep watching the ghost and alien shows even though I know better and then I’m totally freaked out. The other day I swore there was a ghost in the closet. I kept hearing a clunking sound and was shaking in horror in the bed. If you had been here I’d have curled up in your arms. Actually, I probably would have jumped on top of you and told you to KILL THE GHOST which would make no sense because the ghost is already dead. Of course then you’d probably get turned on because I was on top of you and I’d be all, “Tom! This is not an appropriate time for lovemaking! There is GHOST in the closet!”

There is no way we’re getting a dog, Tom. Are you kidding me? I can barely manage these two kids and you want to bring another living being in this house? Can you guess who will probably be stuck walking the dog? Yup, that would be me. I’d probably be hounding you to take the dog for a walk, for the love of God TAKE THE DOG FOR A WALK and you’d give me that wounded look as though I hurt your pride or something. But Tom, sometimes you aren’t that much of a help. Remember that one time when Natalie had crapped her pants and you sat there on the couch and pretended that you didn’t smell it even though it was obvious from your expression that you HAD? Then when I finished doing the dishes and smelt it you were all, “Oh, I had no idea she pooped.” I can just SEE you looking all baffled and being all, “I had no idea the dog needed to be walked…” So no, Tom. We won’t be getting a dog.

The kids are still driving me crazy. Natalie constantly asks where you are and I’m starting to think that something is wrong with her. I mean, I explain that you’re at dog training school and she seems to comprehend it….and then a few hours later she’s asking where you are again. Is there something wrong with her short term memory? Oh my God, what if she’s just like Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy and keeps forgetting things? Now I’m in a complete panic that something HAS to be wrong with her. You need to come home so you can assure me that she’s perfectly fine; that she’s just being a two-year-old and probably enjoys the power of having me repeat the same thing over and over again.

Tommy is downright pissed that I can’t put together his Lego sets. This really isn’t my fault. Why in the WORLD do they make pieces that look identical yet they really aren’t? For instance, I swore this one red piece clipped into this one blue piece but I was wrong…it was a completely different red piece that I needed that I swear, looked exactly the SAME. Why does Lego like upsetting me? Why is it so complicated? I gave birth to two human beings for chrissakes, I should be able to put together a Lego dinosaur! I survived Algebra class—and okay, I only scraped by with a C but still—the bottom line is I PASSED. Why is this Lego set not making any sense to me?

I am so sick of cooking. I’ve tried to make new recipes but a lot of them come out tasting like old dirty gym socks. Not that I’ve ever CONSUMED old dirty gym socks but I can imagine that they’d taste just like the Swedish meatballs I tried to put together. The sauce was all wrong and Tommy actually gagged one of the meatballs out and asked what was wrong with it. I followed the recipe! I swear I did! I’m just trying to figure out other things to make so that you don’t have to constantly eat spaghetti and Sloppy Joes. But Tom, I’m sorry, you may HAVE to eat a lot of spaghetti or Sloppy Joes as these seem to be the only adequate things I can prepare for dinner. Sorry. You should have married a woman who knew her way around the kitchen. Not one who burns things and who tells the recipe to kiss her pale ass when she doesn’t understand what it’s talking about.

I am thrilled to be going on a date with you. Isn’t my Mom so nice to take the kids for us? You won’t believe how excited I am to be dining on a meal in peace without two kids jabbering on in my ears. Oh, and it’ll be nice to actually eat my meal when it’s HOT. Usually my food is lukewarm by the time I finish cutting everyone’s meat up. I’m totally picking the movie we’re going to see afterwards, Tom. I earned it. I’ve kept these two children alive on my own for two and a half months and I’ve earned the right to pick the movie. I’m sorry, but we’re going to see The Proposal. I don’t CARE if chick flicks make you want to gouge your eyeballs out. You can deal with it for an hour and a half. Stare at Sandra Bullock or something! Maybe even Betty White if elderly people excite you. I don’t care. You just need to sit there and eat your nachos and let me watch my movie in peace. It’s really that simple. Do I need to remind you how many times you’ve forced me to sit through Saving Private Ryan? It’s over ten times but who is counting? I’ve been traumatized by the first ten minutes of that movie but does that bother you? No. All you kept saying was, “Isn’t this a fantastic film?” and I’d be sitting there with my hands over my eyes asking if the bloody scenes were over. It wasn’t funny that one time when you said yes and the bloody scenes really weren’t over. Now I have that image of that poor boy lying on the beach with his intestines splayed all over the place calling for his mother permanently etched in my brain.

In exactly two weeks we’ll be together again. I imagine you’ll just give me one of your ridiculous waves and will quickly plant a kiss on my lips while muttering, “Hello.” You’ve never been one for romantic reunions, have you Tom? Don’t be insulted if Tommy lifts his chin and stalks off—he’s just been missing you is all. And Natalie, well, if she swats your leg, please don’t take offense. She doesn’t understand why you had to leave even though I’ve explained it to her a billion times.

I will see you soon. I hope these two weeks fly by for my sanity’s sake.

Love,
Your frazzled wife

48 comments:

  1. What is it with husbands and dogs? My DH called in the middle of my family crisis and said, "Honey, I got us another dog! The owner couldn't keep it and I just felt so sorry for...." Like I need another mouth to feed and another tail to wipe! LOL

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  2. I love these! I think they're hilarious!

    And only two weeks left!

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  3. LMAO! You totally had me at:

    "Remember that one time when Natalie had crapped her pants and you sat there on the couch and pretended that you didn’t smell it even though it was obvious from your expression that you HAD?"

    It's amazing the way their ole factory bulbs work, huh?

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  4. Keep writing the second kind of letter, even if you never send it. It helps to vent! Whenever I'm feeling down or frustrated or angry or whatever negative emotion, writing an explosive rant always makes me feel better.

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  5. "Kiss my pale ass" was maybe my favorite phrase from the second letter :)

    I'm proud of you for holding it together on both fronts. You can do it! 2 weeks isn't tooo long.

    Anyway, thank you for the kind words you left me about my failure of a going away party! The soda and ice cream HAS been kind of fun to have around... At least I got my money's worth? Haha

    Shawna's Study Abroad

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  6. You got to be one of the funniest person on the internet. I loved this post.
    That grey's anatomy scene... hilarious. :-)

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  7. Hahaha! This is great! What an awesome idea! I love it!!!

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  8. You've almost survived the longest period of single parenting you'll hopefully ever have to endure. I think it sucks, but I do enjoy my guilt free moments on the computer, though admittedly it doesn't scare away ET when I need it to.

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  9. I think you should give him the second letter when he gets home. No use sending it now because it will only stress him out but he needs to know what you are going through. I admire you, I could not do it.

    I have a great idea... you should ask your followers to send you their favorite (and easy) recipes.

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  10. It's official. I am totally in love with your blog. Those letters are awesome!

    My husband was Air Force before I met him. Caught him one week upon his return. I don't know how you do it. I have such admiration for our men (and women) in uniform and the families that endure the long separations. So to Tom and you....THANK YOU for all you go through to keep us safe!

    Crap, now I'm all teary.

    PS: I have a kick ass grilled shrimp recipe that is so easy if you want it!

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  11. Yeah - he definitely needs to get the second letter (upon his return of course, not now). I haven't had a chance yet to read your older posts but it sounds like the finish line is in sight! Here's to the ghosts staying the heck away!!!

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  12. Poor child! (I mean you, of course) How in the world could you have not gotten a two-week vacay to the spa or something. . . maybe you should skip the movie and dinner and go for that instead! YEAH! I think you should! You've earned it!

    Regarding LEGO's, I miss that my son is too old to care about such toys. I do not miss stepping on one of those random pieces in the middle of the night!

    Do you know how hard it is for a pastor not to say all those four letter words, as I pick broken blue, yellow and red pieces out of my heel? It was a new stretch of my faith walk. . . I think it was a conspiracy between God and my son!

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  13. My boyfriend was never one for romantic reunions either. He was in Rome all last semester and when he saw me he kissed me quickly and said "What's up?"

    They're so dumb.

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  14. I LOVE it when you write these! Then I can read them to my hubs and HOPE he takes the hint! LOL!

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  15. Perfect, as usual! I'm not quite sure where to start because I can't stop laughing and at the same time I know how bad it sucks to have to go it alone for even a few days!

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  16. Too Funny!! It's amazing the difference in the first and second letters isn't it?! I posted one on my blog just the other day....it's such good therapy!!

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  17. only two more weeks! i don't know how you have managed. i am sure that i would have lost my mind weeks ago! i have never watched beyond the first 10 minutes of saving private ryan. when the guns were still firing for that long, i gave up on it. maybe you'll get lucky at the proposal and tom will just fall asleep! that's what my tommy does!

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  18. That was sooo funny to read! Thanks I needed that.

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  19. Love the letters. Good luck with the next two weeks.

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  20. I love this post!! you should totally send the second one!

    ps. Changed my blog name from Girl n the Glasses to
    http://www.ahesitanthousewife.blogspot.com/

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  21. Stopping by from SITS and loving your blog. These letters are great. Except for maybe the part about lovemaking which, since he's a man I assume he is missing, I'm guessing he'd definitely rather get the first letter. :) But as a mom of five kiddos, I imagine I could write a pretty stinging second letter myself! :) Hang in there...the finishing line is so close!

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  22. this is great. I am so happy for you that he will be home soon.

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  23. Oh my gosh, that was hilarious! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love the name of your blog and love your writing. I'll be following you!

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  24. LOL that's like the letters I send Stephen....all nice and cutesy, but what I really want to say has to stay in my head....you know, like "this child is driving me up a wall, come the @#$% home NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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  25. Kudos to you for keeping your sense of humor while managing on your own for so long. Hope you have a wonderful, romantic, must-see-tv-style reunion.

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  26. your so funny!! Saw you on Sits. My hubby gets in funks too.
    your so cute, hang in there.
    I decided to give you a follow
    Brittany
    http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com

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  27. I love these. Hilarious. Mostly because we share your pain, not because we're laughing at you.
    Okay, a little. Not that I've actually eaten dirty gym socks...

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  28. There's a lot to be said for telling it like it is!

    You're daughter and Optimus Prime are both adorable.

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  29. OMG!!! That was the best laugh I've had yet today!! I had to read the "kiss my pale ass" part aloud to my hubby it was that good!. I loved the whole ghosts and aliens bit too- yeah that's totally me.
    Good luck with the next two weeks and thanks for stopping by the other day!

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  30. Ha! I think you should just send the second one! ;) It'd make him laugh, anyway, and I'm sure he needs a good laugh.

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  31. I really do love these! I have experienced that "what I really want to write" myself!

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  32. Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I had to come check you out. You had me totally cracking up here. It's so hard sending uplifting letters when really you just want to shake them out of their funk and say...buck up!
    I wonder how he'd feel if you guys traded spaces!

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  33. I'm not quite clear why the second version isn't being sent... :D

    My son has had a lot of eye rolling moments with me over Legos, too. We've agreed to find something else to do together.

    be well*

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  34. I'm the one who walks the dog over here. The teens who begged for a puppy? Not so much.

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  35. hahahahahahahahahahaha! Although the 1st one was kinda sweet...BTW, trying to celebrate Sx3 and a college graduation today at the same time. We'd sure love it if you came by!

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  36. ooo these are funny!!! ive had a moment where the baby crapped his pants and josh stared in space....eyes watering from the smell..had the nerve to blame the dog and we didnt have one yet...now we have 2!! 2 dogs...which he will blame the smell on if he has to!!!

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  37. Love the letters! The first one is so sweet, but it's great to see the thoughts behind the words!

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  38. I think you should save the "real" letter and show it to him when he gets home. He'll never appreciate what he doesn't know about!

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  39. Ha! Oh why must we edit everything? Because our woosy husbands just can't handle the truth! ha!

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  40. Seriously, you are hilarious!! I have been laughing out loud at your posts!! My stomach hurts from laughing!! You're awesome :)

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  41. Yay only two weeks! The reality of it all is hilarious! I'll take a dog- i'm a sucker for creatures that need good homes :)

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