Friday, September 4, 2009

Attack of the Tree Aliens!

I trudged into bed at eleven at night. I’m a night owl and would prefer to stay up later, but I knew I’d have to wake up early to get Tommy to school the next day. And so I must force myself to be in bed by eleven because otherwise it’ll be much harder for me to wake up.

When I got to the bedroom, Tom’s massive man leg was stretched out over my side. I sighed and tried to push it away but it wouldn’t budge. In the end I just climbed into bed and shoved it away with my own legs.

“Cut it out!” Tom barked, but he thankfully withdrew his offending leg.

I started to drift off. I was about to sink into a world where there were no such things as calories or Spencer Pratt and then—

CRASH! BOOM!

I sat bolt upright in bed. My husband didn’t even move. How could he have not heard that?

I was close to waking him up and telling him that he had to go check it out. Suppose it was a burglar? But I didn’t have time for him to wake up and throw on some pants since he sleeps in the buff. (I really wish he wouldn’t do this. I’d rather not have his bare ass cheeks pressing against my sheets.)

I took a deep breath and decided that I’d be brave. I grabbed my book that was beside me and figured if it was a burglar, that I could hurl it at his or her head. It was a pretty thick book so it could do some damage. (It was The White Queen by Philippa Gregory if you’re curious.) I cautiously stepped out the bedroom door and craned my ear towards the stairs to see if I could hear anything.

I didn’t. The house was silent and dark. The only noises I could make out were the whirl of the fans.

I slowly descended the stairs, holding the book out in front of me.

But then I saw what made the noise.

This:



Our cat Max must’ve spotted a moth and had jumped up to get it and the whole blind came crashing down.

I’m grateful that Max eats the moths, I really am, because those dang things like attacking me in the face. I screeched when one did it the other day and Tom mocked me for it.

“Oh no! Attack of the moths!” he joked as I ran screaming down the hall.

I’m sorry, but they’re disgusting. I don’t want one inches away from my mouth.

The blind was too high to put back up. I knew Tom would have to do it. I was about to turn and head up to bed but then I saw it.

An alien.

Coming at me!

I knew it! I knew they existed! I was right all along. I was—wait. That’s not an alien.

It’s a tree.



Well. You can see how I’d mistake that for an alien, right? Picture the silhouette of the tree in the dark.

See?



Having the blind down and being able to stare out freaked me out. I ran up to my bed and fell asleep with the cover over my head.

Then the next day I told Tom he’d have to put the blind up.

“Why?” he asked.

Sometimes I don’t get men. What do you mean, WHY? If something falls down, you put it back up. And plus, I didn’t want the scary tree-aliens to peek in on us. Or our neighbors, for that matter. Suppose I decide to walk around the house naked? I mean, I never WOULD but I’d like to be able to make that decision without having to worry about someone gaping at my pale body.

“The trees look like aliens at night,” I explained to Tom, who knows that I get easily spooked.

The hooks for the blinds are way at the top so Tom had to step on my poor stand to get it back up.

“Be careful of my stand!” I warned.

“Be careful of your STAND?” Tom repeated, all insulted. “What about, ‘Be careful dear husband?’”



Oh. Right.

“Be careful dear husband,” I echoed. “But also, please don’t break my stand!”

He managed to get it up, thank goodness.

So whew. No more tree aliens.

29 comments:

  1. lol...you're brave!! i would have made the hubs go check out the situation in his birthday suit!!

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  2. I am thinking the trees ARE aliens in disguise and just hold still all day long. Good thing the blind is back up so they can't peek in!

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  3. you sound like my husband with the tree aliens, he watches too many movies. me i just think it's some random teen horror character waiting out there.

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  4. You were very, very brave to check out the noise? I would have hid under the bed - that is - if I fit. But arming yourself with a book? Seriously? Are you a good aim? At least if you're going to go all Rambo-like, you should keep a baseball bat or something more than a BOOK next to your bed! At least a chain saw to cut down those tree aliens!

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  5. I would have stayed in bed and not budged.. you are my hero.
    xx

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  6. Not the tree aliens! HAHA sounds like something I would do! Glad Tom got it fixed. (My hubster sleeps in the buff too. Why oh why?)

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  7. Those tree aliens are hilarious.

    In my case they would have been tree zombies.

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  8. i can still get freaked out in the dark too, those trees totally look like aliens, your fear is warranted.

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  9. I totally saw the aliens before you even drew their space suits on them.

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  10. Men can sleep through anything, I swear.

    I heard all kinds of noises one night when I was home alone, and convinced it was the BTK killer on the loose in my small town of 16,000, I had no choice but to trek downstairs armed with a billy club to check it out. Thank God it was only some stray cats that had tipped the trash can over on the deck, but still...

    I was freaked and slept the rest of the night with all the lights on.

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  11. Haha! He is a hero! Amazing what our minds can have us see!

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  12. I think the tree aliens are taking hallucinogenics....

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  13. You are absolutely hilarious lady! I seriously wee myself reading every one of your posts.

    <3 xx

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  14. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I have recently discovered yours and enjoy you immensely. My husband works on a Marine Base and Daughter # 3 works in Teton National Park in Wy. We're practically related. Mostly, it irritates me when husbands ask "why" about anything we ask them to do. they should just do it. After we explain why, they do it anyway. So cut out that step. lol

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  15. hahahah, i love your tree aliens!

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  16. You poor thing!! That so sounds like something I would do!!!

    And my copy just arrived in the mail today - wooo hooo! I love me some Phillipa Gregory!! You MUST be a fabulous woman!!!!

    Gotta love SITS for hooking awesome bloggers up!

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  17. LOL!!!

    BTW, I just gave you an award on my blog because of your awesomeness. :)

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  18. Hahaha! Ok, that totally sounds like some freaky dream I'd have! lol.

    You are funny fellow Moxie lady!

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  19. Seriously, DO NOT give the tree aliens an opening! You are right to stand your ground on getting the blind back up! Every night - every. night - I turn the living room lights off and then I turn around and am then rendered momentarily frozen in fear by the shadow of the tres and swingset on the blinds, which appear to be right up by the window by 11:30 p.m., then they were at 7:30 p.m. Husbands never understand. Ever.

    (p.s. - sweet heaven, you have the most gorgeous little girl pictured down there!)

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  20. Boys are so wierd, aren't they? How do they get that wierd? It always blows my mind : ) Naked sleeping? Get out of the city. Gary sleeps fully clothed. Well boxers and a t-shirt! So he would definitely be sent to kill aliens if one should ever decide to attack.

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  21. I had to laugh...because that Lysol smell good thing on your stand? THAT scared the cuh-rap out of me one night. I kept hearing a noise and thought for sure we had ghosts. I was freaked out...long story short it was just that stupid thing, shooting out smell good air every few minutes.

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  22. love the photos! Thank goodness you have max to protect you from moths and DH to sheild you from tree aliens! fun story!

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  23. great post! I found your blog thru VODKA MOM. I love finding new blogs and I think yours is GREAT! When you get a sec, come check me out! If you decide to follow, I'll be glad to return the favor!

    www.speakingfromthecrib.com

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  24. LOLOLOL! I came via Moxie, and am so glad I did. I knew I'd be a fan when I read that "I’d rather not have his bare ass cheeks pressing against my sheets." And your photos are so great too.

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  25. Tree aliens kill thousands every year, or so I've heard! We used to leave the blinds barely hanging so that if the dogs scratched at them they came crashing down on their heads to scare them to death! It worked! Now I barely touch the blinds and the dog hides under the bed :)

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  26. I get so easily spooked too! I need to save up so I can get blinds in the dining room and in the kitchen. I hate anyone being able to just look in if they wanted to.

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  27. Those orange traffic safety cones are aliens too...

    We share a ... concern ... with what lies out there in the dark.

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