Monday, March 21, 2016

Why I Didn't "Go Home" When My Husband Deployed

Whenever my husband had to deploy, I was asked by friends if I planned on going home until he returns. I know my parents would welcome me with open arms and I appreciate it. I appreciate them.



I remember when Tom went to Korea for a year, people were surprised to learn that I wasn't packing up my kids and going home.

So why is "going home" not for me?

Let me explain.





1. I feel like I am home.

My home is with my family--as in my husband and children. Maybe I feel this way because I was a military brat. We were always moving around so I didn't grow up in one home. Even when my husband is gone, it's still my home, with my belongings.



2. I like my own things.

As in, my television. Yes, I watch a lot of ridiculous shows on it. My father would not like these ridiculous shows. He has his own schedule of things he watches every night. There is no place for Real Housewives. There is a TV upstairs, but it's in the same room where my son sleeps, so I'd be missing a lot of my programs. Yes, I would watch them online but it's not the same. I also like having my books around me.


3. I need junk food.

My parents don't appreciate junk food as I do. Of course they indulge, but not as much as I do. They mean well, but I can imagine comments being made, "Another candy bar? How about I cut you up some carrots?"


4. I didn't have a baby.



Whenever my husband left, my kids were at least over the age of three. Maybe if I had a baby I'd have considered going home, but honestly, I doubt it. I just really like my possessions and space too much.


5. My kids would have to leave their schools and enter a new one.





Sometimes when my husband left my kids weren't always in school yet. But when they were, it didn't make sense to pull them out of a school and away from their friends. I'd want my kids to have stability.


6. I'm able to visit my family. 




I might not go live with them, but we do visit. My mom will come out at least once when Tom goes and I'll visit once as well. So it's not like I'm completely without family.



7. I have my own schedule of how I like to do things.


If I moved in with my parents, this might be messed up. I would no longer be the only adult so I'd have to respect their wishes. When my husband is gone, I already have enough on my mind so I'd be irritated if I couldn't do things the way I wanted to do them.


8. I can manage.



With the help of friends, I'm always able to survive deployments. Of course I have moments when I feel like I can't do it--but my friends are the ones who help remind me that yes I CAN do it. Or they'll invite me over for chocolate and cake. Chocolate and cake can fix anything. (And a lovely cocktail can help as well..)



The choice to go home is a personal one. While it works for some, it doesn't for others, and that's okay. Everyone is different. My friend Julie over at Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life has a post Should You Move Home During A Deployment? that also lists some great points.





Did you go home when your husband deployed? Or if your husband is not in the military but has gone away due to work, would you go home? 





70 comments:

  1. Yeah, everyone has their own personal choice but if it were me with kids in school, I would probably stay put for them. And plus its always nicer having your own things around you...!

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  2. I am lucky I have not had to make that choice but I think being on my own turf and schedule is the best for me and therefore of course it would be the best for my kids!

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  3. I feel like this choice depends so much on the person making it and even the season they are in! Thanks for sharing. I don't believe I'd go home, and I see a lot of the same reasons in your post.

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  4. Thanks for the mention :) It is such a personal choice for sure. And big kids makes such a difference too.

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  5. I would totally stay in my home! For similar reasons to yours!

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  6. Before my husband's first deployment, I contemplated going home but for a lot of the reasons you listed (minus the kids, since we don't have any yet!) I ultimately determined it was not the right decision for me. I got a lot of those comments too - being alone with no attachments to keep me where I was, why didn't I go home to my family and friends? And while it would have been great to have them close by for support, they were only a phone call away and I felt I had a lot more support ny staying near a military community where most people understood how I was feeling. Not saying my family didn't try, but since we don't have any military in our family there are things about this life they just don't get, and sometimes it's easier to not have to explain. Definitely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong - so many pros and cons to both. Thanks for your post!

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    1. Yes, I always felt support from the military community and never felt alone. Thank you for the comment!

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  7. I'm with you. I like my space way too much, and as much as I'd appreciate help with my baby, I definitely would NOT move back in with my family. No way. We haven't had to deal with a separation yet as a married couple, but I would absolutely stay at my own home.

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  8. We aren't a military family, but I see your points. I think if my husband were to be gone for a long period of time AND I'd just had a baby, I would consider staying with my parents for a bit. Mine are old enough that it would be more trouble than it's worth to move now.

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  9. That last one is the most important one. Not a military family here. My husband occasionally goes away and it's fun to have my mom come stay here to help, but I consider here home. I stopped thinking of my parent's house as home ages ago.
    Valid points!

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  10. I was already home when my husband deployed. I grew up in a military town, which was also where we were stationed. When my husband went to Korea, Iraq, or the field we were home, luckily we had family nearby. As civilians we've moved more, ironically.
    Thanks for sharing with us at #MMBH!
    XOXO
    www.mrsaokaworkinprogress.com

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  11. I've gone home to my parents' twice and I've stayed put once (so far). There were really good reasons for going back the first two deployments...we were expecting a baby during the first one, and I was able to get extra time with my grandmother before she passed away during the second. This time, I chose to stay put for the same reasons you listed above, and I am SO glad we did!! Many thought I was crazy for staying behind with two kids, moving into a new house by myself, and all of the other stuff that sounds out of the ordinary to civilians. Lol. The choice is personal for everyone and changes with time. I agree your family tries to be there for you the best way they know how, but the truth is..they don't live it like we do, so they will never understand. I've learned no matter the length of the deployments, and no matter the various situations we all go through...we are all "Superwomen!"

    Thanks for the post! God Bless! ��

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  12. If you're in a military community and your active within it you're a part of a family and they understand how it is

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  13. My main reason is... I have nowhere to go! Except maybe my in-laws. But I just can't live at someone else's house for an extended period.

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  14. I'm right there with you! I like my things and I like my junk food. My mom watches me eat crap and gives me a look like I should pick up an apple instead.

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  15. I've never "gone home" in the twenty-two years I've been a military wife. The first few deployments were the hardest--I worried I couldn't possibly do it. But I learned so much about myself, my abilities and my strengths that I would never trade that for the world. There are some great reasons for "going home," for instance if you're expecting a baby or if you have a special needs child. But the personal growth you can experience while staying put is priceless.

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  16. I'm with you - I would want to stay in my own home with my familiar things around me. And yes, chocolate and cake definitely make everything better!

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  17. I always go home to visit when my husband deploys but I have never gone home for the entire time. My life is here now - whether he's with me or not. We don't have kids, so that's not a factor. I've made a life for myself here and I feel it makes me stronger.

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  18. Living with your parents isn't totally stress-free either, especially when you have kids. We've done that for brief periods between semesters in college (when we had a few small kids) or between moves, and it's hard because you're both getting in each others' way. It makes it easier in some ways, harder in others.

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  19. My husband isn't in the military so I had no idea this was a topic of conversation. I am way too old and set in my ways to go home for more than a short visit. My dogs would drive my mom and step dad crazy and they couldn't take in the chickens so it would never be an option if Joe was out of town on work. I couldn't leave my house anyway because someone has to do the yard work ect.
    I think your independence is a sign of strength. You know who you are and what your kids need.

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  20. I don't come from a military background, but I would choose to stay home too. Seems like it would be more stable for the kids. And like you said, Home is where you make it. But everyone's situation is different.

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  21. I couldn't imagine anyone moving "home" as as you said your home is where your family is. Or the place you live, I couldn't imagine packing up and moving just so I wasn't on my own

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    1. Me either, but I understand some people take comfort in it.

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  22. On my husband's 1st deployment I was already home cause I was in my senior year of high school and had just had our son. But on his second deployment we were stationed in WA. We had only been there 7 months when he was told he would be deploying. At this point I had our 3 year old son and our baby girl who wasn't even 1 yet. I didn't have any friends or family near and we lived off post. So I went home for eight months and moved back a month before it was time for him to come home. I got us a house and moved all our stuff in. That worked for me then. But if he was to deploy again I'd stay right where we are. Mainly because my kids are 7 and 5 now and they are in school and I have good friends and my mom comes up 1 a year to visit.

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    1. Oh yeah, if I were a senior in high school I'm sure I'd be home too. And I know it's tough to move everything in on your own, so kudos to you.

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  23. I have a friend that goes home when her kids on on break from school but other than that, she is home. Her husband is retired now though so she gets to stay home all the time now.

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  24. Having raised my twin daughters as a single mother, I don't understand why in the world you would want to go back to your childhood home.

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    1. Some people find comfort in being around family. I love my family, but I need to be in my own area with my things.

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  25. As a kid, my family had lived with my grandparents on occasion, the longest time being 6 months, when we were getting ready to move overseas and no longer had a house. My family is very close, but I've always been pretty firm in my stance that I'd like to avoid ever living with either my parents or my parents-in-law. I really like being 'woman of the house'. We actually live in the same apartment complex as my parents--4 floors away from them, and even that may be slightly too close on occasion, although really it's most of the time really convenient--I'll babysit my much-younger sisters when mom and dad have meetings and mom will call when she's at the grocery store to see if I need her to pick up anything.

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  26. We are not military, but I think I would feel the same way as you. When we were married, my ex-husband worked off shore, 30 days at a time. But my home was where we lived, not where my parents live. I am now a single mother and I do not feel the need to move in with my parents, for many of the reasons you listed above. My kids and I have our own lives, and our own routines, and while I love my parents and they help me out a ton, I would not want to live with them again.

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  27. This is such a good post! I think it very much depends on the season of life you are in and where your spouse might be deploying from. I've done both -- go home and stay put -- and I loved them both for different reasons. In fact for one, I went to culinary school overseas! The best part of deployments is when they are over :)

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  28. I alway felt that my husband deploying he was dealing with being away from home the last thing he needed to come back to was a different place. He needs to feel like I am his rock here in our home.

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  29. My husband was national guard, so when he deployed I was already home. That said, IF I'd gone home I would have got my own house for the time period for all of those reasons. And, truthfully, I probably wouldn't have - especially if we were just going to be moving back at the end of the deployment. Deployment is difficult enough without adding in a move and new schools to it.

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  31. You make great points. One of them being the kids in school. I think maybe ladies need that extra support with a new baby but other then that if you have a schedule there's no point of starting a new one. Routine works best for everyone at that point.

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  32. I love and respect that you thought about your children's well being too. It must be very stressful for them as well!

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  33. i did not have to make that choice myself but definitely see your point.for my own and for the kids sake, i would stay put too...

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  34. You seem to be managing pretty well in your lovely set-up. Like you said, family, our personal belongings and a lot of warmth maketh a home. <3 Cheers!!

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  35. My living room looks like that too every time my husband deploys. They have soooo much gear! I don't "go home" either for all of those reasons. There's nothing quite like the comfort of your own home.

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  36. I never went home and my daughter has never come home when our husband were deployed. Home is where we are living.

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  37. I didn't go home after that first deployment or any other one as a matter of fact, even though like you, I would have been welcomed. My hubs and I talked about it and it was important for him to know I could handle things on my own. And I did, so over the past 23 years and 6 more deployments, he has that peace of mind while he is doing his thing.

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  38. It's nice that you've established your comfort zone even when your husband is deployed. I think kids need that stability growing up.

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  39. Sounds like you kept home a home for your husband when he does return. A move and dad gone could have been double rough on everyone

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  40. I love hearing that you are secure and happy where you are...at home. I suppose that you are used to moving growing up but it is probably easier on your kids that they get to stay in one school and one place for a longer period of time. ( And 3 cheers for junk food!)

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  41. It sounds like being at your own Home is right for you. I can see why for others going to their parents maybe best too, I guess it is all about how you cope and what you need.

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  42. My mom moved in with her parents when my dad deployed overseas but it was brief. I didn't really think of all the challenges she must have had with 2 small children and a husband serving overseas.

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  43. I did go home when my husband was deployed to Korea for the year. I was a very young mom, with a new baby, and 500 miles away from family.

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  44. It's so important to consider the pros and cons before doing something like moving during a deployment. I understand liking to have your own space.

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  45. Listen, where you stay when your loved one is deployed is your business! My friend Rachel stays put. And like you she has friends to support. But the kids would be miserable with a house change and possibly new schools- I think I would want Continutiy of routine at home. Hope he’s home soon!

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  46. While we're not a military family, I completely understand all of your feelings. You have to do what's right for you and your family. Best wishes to you all!

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  47. It is so great that you decided on your own to stay and that it's best for you and your family. I think having your kids to have a stable school life is very important for their growth. Thanks for sharing.

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  48. I really honestly don't blame you. I would have done the same.

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  49. I think as you said it is a personal decision, one which you should make for your current situation not to meet other people's expectations or assumptions.

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  50. It’s a personal decision and I respect that. For me, I would still go home. Of course, I miss my better half!

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  51. I can understand why you would choose to make where you are, especially with kids, your own home. It seems like there is always support where you are, and maybe you feel like that's home.

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  52. It's honorable but very hard being part of the military family. We have been there and glad that my husband is finally retired. Thank you for your husband's services.

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  53. You sure have some strong ideals & values which I really appreciate. If it were me, I think I'd do the same & most of the reasons would be similar as well. You are really brave & I'm sure this is the best decision as a family. :)

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  54. Military families have so many difficult decisions to make on a regular basis. As long as you're doing whats best for yourself and the family, thats all that matters.

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  55. I'm not married, nor do I have kids but if I was and my husband was deployed I would stay at my own home too. I mean it just seems silly to go back to your parent's home unless you just absolutely had to, like you said if you had a brand new baby or something. People ask weird questions sometimes.

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  56. I completely get that. Going "home" wouldn't work for me either. I would rather be in my own home doing my own things.

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  57. My niece went home when her hubby was deployed. I never understood that myself as I couldn't live with anyone else, lol. I want my own home, my own things, etc. She had to put everything in storage.

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  58. Beautifully written! I am so big on personal space and doing things because its within your heart! your reasons seem totally thought through and sweet.

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  59. Wonderful post, and I think many people wouldn't understand unless they've lived in your shoes. I wasn't married to my husband when he deployed, I give you my heartfelt thanks!

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  60. It is nice to be in your own home, even though you would be definitely welcomed by your parents. You gave the best reasons, and I totally agree with all of them!

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  61. Good for you. Deployment can be so difficult for families and everyone will always have an opinion of what you should do. Good thing you have your own plans and response when they ask.

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  62. I admire how you handle deployment. If it works, don't fix it!

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  63. Maybe it's because I grew up as a military brat myself, but I never really understood why women are often expected to go live with parents when their spouse is deployed. I'd hate to give up the comforts of things that are "mine"!

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  64. I totally admire you on how you handled it... :D... but yes getting over it and having a cake must have helped you... :)

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Thanks for the comment!

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