Wednesday, January 17, 2007

So I'm A Little Cranky

Okay I admit it.

I'm not the easiest person to be around these days.

I can be the happiest person one minute and then turn into a complete tyrant the next.

I can't help it!

Everything seems to irritate me.

For one, my horny husband.

He always wants sex.

And when I deny him he pouts and mutters out that I should be glad that he still finds me attractive.

So of course I take offense and ask what that's supposed to mean.

"Nothing," Tom will reply with a frown. "Excuse me for wanting to make love to my wife."

He seems to be constantly attached to me too. Last night I was bending down looking for food in the fridge and he's suddenly behind me, humping my back!

What is he, a dog??

Then he'll be all, "You know you want to," and try to pinch my breast, which only infuriates me more.

"I just want to be left alone!" I'll snap at him and stalk off.

Then comes the man pout.

"You don't find me attractive anymore," Tom will complain.

"Oh yes Tom. Just make it all about you!" I'll shout.

Plus, it's impossible to keep this house clean with him in it. He's one of the messiest men I have ever known. Maybe it would have been different had I grown up with a messy man. But I didn't! My Dad is one of the neatest men around. He picks up after himself, he puts his dirty clothes in the dirty hamper, he does dishes without asking, he wipes up his spills on the counter...

But Tom.

He leaves his dirty clothes all over the house.

I find dirty socks balled up by the couch.

I find his dirty underwear in a heap beside the bathtub because he wasn't able to walk the few feet to drop them into the laundry basket.

He constantly makes splatters on the kitchen counter and leaves them there.

I have to hound him to take the trash out!

I mean the trash is overflowing and he calmly walks into the kitchen and shoves a piece of his trash down there. When he catches me glaring at him he'll go, "What?"

"The trash! It's overflowing. Again," I'll say.

And if you're wondering why I don't just take care of it...well I do, most of the time. And when I do Tom suddenly looks surprised.

"What are you doing? I was going to get that!" he'll insist as I walk out the front door.


Last night I casually said, "I better take the trash can to the curb since tomorrow is trash day.."

Expecting him to pipe up with, "Oh no I'll do it!"

Instead he just continued eating dinner.

So I lowered my voice to sound like him and said, "Don't worry about it, Amber. I'll get it. After all you are pregnant, you should be resting.."

This caught Tom's attention.

He lifted his eyes from his plate and looked utterly confused.

"Why thank you Tom," I continued in my normal voice. "That's very kind of you."

One of his eyebrows lifted.

"Thank you for agreeing to take the trash to the curb. I do appreciate it considering it's four degrees outside and icy and we wouldn't want me falling, would we?" I smiled sweetly and chomped on my dinner while Tom still looked a little bewildered.

He did end up taking the trash to the curb.

Then when he came back in he expected a party.

He was all, "I took the trash out for you!"


Excuse me?

Last I checked that wasn't all my trash in there.

This morning I wasn't happy either.

I woke up and Tom was home.


He was set to leave within the hour but he still messes up my schedule. For one, he told Tommy to calm down. When Tommy wakes up he always runs laps around the living room. I find that it helps him with his energy. Yes it might look weird and be a little distracting because he does run in front of the television but so what? I think it's smart of Tommy to realize that he needs to get out some of his extra energy.

But Tom. He's all, "Tommy sit down!" because he was watching one of his precious military shows.

I snapped back with, "He doesn't have to sit down, he always does this.."

Tom retorted with, "He needs to learn to settle down. He can't be running all over the house!"

Hello, he's four, he has ADHD, give the kid a break.

And another thing, Tom expects Tommy to be quiet during his shows. You can't expect a child to be quiet all the time!

Sorry, just doesn't happen.

Then I had to call the OB/GYN clinic to make another appointment.

I was put on hold.


So I hung up and threw the phone across the room and burst into tears.

"Stupid CIVILIANS!" I screamed.

(Although military people have been known to keep you on hold too.)

Tom told me to calm down.

I told him to shove the phone up his a double s.

Tom said, "You know, you've been really mean lately. You need to be nicer to me.."

I said, "Then be neater! You leave your stuff all over the house and make messes without bothering to clean them up! Help out more and maybe I'd be in a better mood! I'm sorry but I'm not one of those wives who believe that just because a man works outside the home that he doesn't have to do any chores within the home..this isn't the 1960s, I expect HELP!"

Then I angrily re-dialed the OB/GYN clinic.

Right away the receptionist went, "May I put you on hold?"

I shouted out, "NO!"

But I was put on hold anyhow.

This time someone at least picked up within ten minutes so I was able to make an appointment.

When I told Tom he was all, "I might have to work that day.."

"TELL THE MILITARY TO SHOVE IT AND THAT YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE APPOINTMENT!" I shouted and went to the bathroom to pee for the billionth time.

(By the way, I can drive now. We have two cars BUT I don't feel comfortable driving this pregnant. Plus Natalie likes to dig her feet into me, which distracts me, and I'd hate to be on the road and be distracted. I just feel safer with Tom driving.)

When Tom came home for lunch he had a surprise.

He bought me the Princess Peach game for my Nintendo DS.

"I thought this might cheer you up.." he said meekly. He kind of recoiled back as I took the game as though I were some angry lion.

"Thank you," I said.

I haven't played it yet. I'm still on Mario, which is upsetting me. When I can't beat a certain castle I grow annoyed. I threw the DS onto the couch and told Tom to hide it because I didn't want to see it again for the rest of the day.

"Because the game CHEATS!" I wailed and burst into tears again.

I do feel for Tom.

It can't be easy living with me.

But at the same time he could make an effort to be neater.

Tomorrow he said he'd take me to Fort Collins so we could go to Toys R Us and get some Natalie stuff.

However, it's supposed to snow again tonight.

"I just want the snow to stop!" I said and starting crying again when Tom said we might not be able to go if the weather gets too bad.

I hope we can go.

I need to shop.

I already warned Tom I'd be spending a lot.

Because we need a Travel System.

And I want that Fisher-Price aquarium playard.

We still need a changing table, plus a changing table pad.

And a crib mattress.

And the baby papasan swing.


I better go scrub the toilets.

It's clean the bathroom day.

Tom said he'd do it but the last time he cleaned the toilets all he did was squeeze some Lysol toilet gel into the bowl, swish it around and proclaimed that he was done.

"Um..the seats.." I said.

"What about them?"

"You need to clean the seats. Then you need to lift the seat up and clean underneath..."

"Ew that's gross! There's PEE under there.."

"That's the whole point of CLEANING THE BATHROOMS!"


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