Confusion Over Corn

**Okay the corn situation has been taken care of. Thank you. This was written earlier**

Um. Help.

Please.

Okay so I bought fresh corn on the cob at the Farmer's Market that was set up at the commissary.

There I was happily bagging my corn, not realizing that I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH IT!

Sure I looked confident as I tied up the bag that I placed them in and marched over to pay. Of course I know how to cook corn, why else would I be buying it?

Then I went into a panic as I slid in my car.

How do I cook corn on the cob??

I usually make Green Giant canned corn. I just open the can, drop it in a saucepan, turn on the oven, add butter and wal-lah, corn!

What was I thinking, buying fresh corn?

So I got home and Tom was just waking up.

"How do you cook this?" I asked, showing him the corn.

"You boil it," Tom answered, looking at me as though I were a complete idiot.

"For how LONG?" I demanded. "Five minutes? Ten?"

Tom shrugged. "I dunno. Call my Mom."

Oh yes. His Mom. I probably already look like a complete moron to her because I've asked her so many cooking questions.

How do I make your famous apple pie? Okay, I made your famous apple pie, why does it taste like sawdust? What did I do wrong? Oh my God I forgot to cut a slit in your famous apple pie! Thank God it didn't explode in the oven! How do I cook a ham? Do I add water to it? Brown sugar? Okay. Why does my ham not taste like yours?

And my Mom? She might know but my Dad did most of the cooking in our family. So HE might know but when I asked him he just said, "Just boil it in a little bit of water."

Okay.

Boil it.

Got it.

BUT FOR HOW LONG?

I'm not one of those people who just instinctively knows when something is ready!

I've burnt more things than I care to count.

And how much water? Do I fill up a pan or just barely have enough water to cover the corn?

Do I need a LID?

I looked it up online, of course I did, but there are so many different variations.

One suggested putting the corn on ICE?

Some even suggested microwaving.

WHAT?

Can someone just come over and cook the damn corn for me?

Otherwise it's about ready to get tossed out the window. No big loss, it was only ten cents per ear of corn.

The only reason why I got it was to have something special with the chicken cordon bleu that I'm making tonight. Instead of canned corn, why not fresh?

And should I make mashed potatoes or rice with the chicken cordon bleu?

I can't believe I wrote this much about freakin' corn.

I am officially a kitchen nerd.

Anyway.

Natalie had her checkup today to check on her head circumferance and tummy time.

At four months her head hadn't grown at ALL from her two month checkup. Or wait, maybe it grew an inch? I can't remember. Let me check the paper thingy they gave me.

Yeah I think it only grew just a little little bit. And they want to see more of a growth. I was rendered paranoid by the doctor who spoke of brain problems.

Then when the doctor placed Natalie down for tummy time, Natalie wouldn't even try. She did what she did at home. Whined. Buried her head into the exam table she was laying on and just complained.

Like, "Piss off you doctor, first you tell me something could be wrong with my brain and then you want me to lift my head up for you? Kiss my tiny tiny tushie, I will not!"

Seriously, for a little kid, Natalie has attitude.

So yeah.

We had to go back today.

Because Natalie is five months old.

We went to the hospital where the guy checking people in eyed me suspiciously because I hadn't yet shown him my ID card.

On a military base, no one wants to talk to you unless you flash your ID card and prove that you're a member of the club.

I dug it out of my purse (must clean purse!) and showed him--upside down at first.

He flipped it over, eyed it and then typed the social in his computer.

A few minutes later we were all checked in.

We didn't have to wait long and then were called back. I was told to undress Natalie, who looked a little embarrassed.

"Mommy, honestly, we just got here and you're STRIPPING me?"

Then she was weighed.

At first the scale read 12.2.

She was 12 lbs at her four month check up.

I went into panic mode.

Holy crap she only gained two ounces in a MONTH? That's not right, what's wrong, oh my GOD my daughter is STARVING. What kind of mother am I, what kind of--

"Oh sorry, the scale did something wrong," the guy said and pushed another button.

Then 13 lbs flashed.

Phew.

So she gained a pound in a month. Much better.

I think the reason why she doesn't gain more is the fact that the kid is always moving. When she's on her back, she's always kicking her legs or moving her arms or doing SOMETHING. She's never still.

When I put her in the dreaded bouncer, which she still hates, she tries her darndest to get out by flailing her arms.

Oh help, someone, get me out of his fifty dollar bouncer that's as comfortable as can be!

Seriously, I want a bouncer like that! (It's a Baby Papasan by the way.)

It's soft, it vibrates, it plays soothing music.

Things that MOST babies enjoy.

Not mine.

You turn on the vibrating motion, she freaks.

You turn on the music, she freaks.

All she'll tolerate is five minutes of sitting down in it. Sans vibration. Sans music. Sans the bunny the can hang over the mirror above her.

Anyhow then the guy checked her length.

25 inches.

Then he checked her head.

Last time she came in she was 39.5.

This time she was 39.9.

Not a HUGE growth but a growth just the same.

Then he left and the doctor came in.

Natalie is in the 10th percentile in her weight.

50 percent in her height.

That's pretty much how Tommy was too. Tall and skinny.

The doctor said Natalie was still on the same growth line for her head but that she at least liked to see a growth.

Then she checked Natalie's eyes, ears, the works.

Natalie was pissed.

She started to do her whine cry and stare at the doctor like she was scum of the universe.

Then came the tummy time part.

She flipped Natalie over, set her down and..

*Cue happy music here*

Natalie lifted her head right up.

And whined some more.

But she let her head remain upright and showed the doctor she could push up.

"You SEE, you silly doctor. I CAN do it," was Natalie's expression.

Natalie still has a bit of a head lag when she's pulled up from a sitting position but it's not as bad as it was at four months.

So that was the appointment.

I bring her back at six months for another examination and the dreaded shots.

Later today I'm going to Target.

I need toothpicks to hold the chicken together and it mentioned using a whisk for the sauce.

Let's hope I don't burn the house down.

Or set off the fire alarm.