Amusing myself at Lowes

We went to Texas Roadhouse and Lowes yesterday.

I love Texas Roadhouse.

They have delicious rolls with cinnamon butter and delicious sweet iced tea.

The rolls are not good for my thighs though.

I had two and was about to reach for three but then I pushed the basket towards Tom.

"Keep these away from me," I instructed him.

He did a lousy job because I ended up having a third.

Tom also decided to order this huge steak.

"You won't be able to finish it," I warned.

"Trust me, I will," Tom said.

He ate half and then proclaimed that he was full.

Then we went to Lowes.

Which is right by the new Kohls.

It looks nearly finished.

When we drove past I went, "Hello Kohls. I shall be in you soon."

And then Lowes.

Otherwise known as The Most Boring Store in the World.

Tom wanted to get a new rake and a shelf to display the models that he had built.

I mean I have to find someway to amuse myself.

So when we passed by the row of screws--it seems they seriously have every screw available--I picked one up, opened Tom's hand and dropped one in his palm.

"Wanna screw?" I asked suggestively.

"AMBER," Tom hissed. "Geez."

He quickly put the screw back and pushed the cart quickly away from me.

Pretending he had no idea who I was.

I caught up to him. "The store would be so much better if there were clothes to look at."

Tom raised an eyebrow at me. "This is Lowes, Amber."

"I know. I'm just saying..if they had a clothes section then the women could look there while the men looked at their boring stuff."

"It's not boring," Tom said, pausing in front of a lawn mower. "Self propelled. That's the mower I want."

I rolled my eyes. "We have a perfectly good mower in the garage."

"Self propelled would make my job so much easier," he explained.

"We have a perfectly good mower in the garage," I repeated.

"What do you know, you don't even mow," Tom muttered, walking off.

And I have moved before.

I did it in England when he was deployed.

Anyhow I walked beside Tom and whispered, "Lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy Tom..he wants a drink of water so he waits and waits and waits and waits and waits for it to rain.."

That poem always plays in my head whenever he tries to find an easy way out.

I mean, we have a good mower.

It works.

It cuts the grass.

We're not buying a new mower just because it'll make mowing easier.

I told him I'd mow once in awhile if he'd just watch the children.

But he's all, "I'll just do it."

Tom hates when I recite the poem. He was all, "Knock it off," and then stopped in front of the rakes.

(Poem is by Shel Silverstein by the way.)

While he was looking at the rakes I saw one of my favorite tools.

"Hey Tom," I asked. "Do you need a ho?"

And then I burst into laughter.

Tom stared at me for a few minutes to see if I was seriously laughing--I was--and then he shook his head.

"What are you, eight?" he asked.

"Hos are great," I continued.

"Only you could find that amusing," Tom said.

"I need to find someway to amuse myself in this store," I explained. "There's nothing fun in here."

You see, that's my way of annoying Tom in his stores. Since he always bugs me in Kohls by rushing me along, I bug him by making ridiculous comments.

Even though I do find hos funny.

The tool not the people.

Then Tom walked by gas grills.

"Hello pretty grill," he cooed. He lovingly touched the top of one.

"You have a perfectly good charcoal grill at home," came the voice of Common Sense.

"But gas grills are better," he argued.

"You have a perfectly good charcoal grill at home," Common Sense persisted.

Then we looked at trash cans. We want to replace the kitchen one because no matter how hard we scrub, you can still see stains.

We made the mistake of buying a white trash.

I want to get a blue.

They didn't have blue at Lowes but they had steel trash cans for the kitchen.

FOR FIFTY FOUR DOLLARS!

Tom was said in a normal voice, "We can get this one."

Pointing to the one that was FIFTY FOUR DOLLARS!

I mean was he blind?

Could he not see that it was FIFTY FOUR DOLLARS?

For a TRASH can?

"Um," I spoke up. "That's fifty four dollars. I'm not spending fifty four dollars on something trash is going into."

"You are impossible to shop with," I was told.

I have a feeling if I weren't there he would have totally bought a fifty four dollar trash can.

And a gas grill.

And a self propelled mower.

This is why Tom must never ever be loose in Lowes or Home Depot by himself.

I really need to get a photo taken of him and post it on the outside of the store.

"DO NOT," the sign will read, "LET THIS MAN PURCHASE ANYTHING THAT TOTALS OVER $100. SIGNED, HIS WIFE."

I have a feeling after that sign went up a few other signs from other wives would be beside it.

Unless I didn't, you know, get arrested for putting up unnecissary papers on a store that I don't own.

"But sir," I'd plead to the police officer. "Our bank account thanks me profusely."

So Tom walked out of Lowes with his new rake and a shelf.

He put up his shelf right when he got home.

And hello, I have had a shelf that I wanted to go in Natalie's room for months!

"I'll get to it," I've been told.

I mean I'd do it but I can't level worth a damn.

It would be a lopsided shelf if I did it.

"Didn't you take home ec or something?" Tom asked me.

Last I checked, they don't teach leveling in home ec.

They teach cooking and..you know, manners, which apparently went in one ear and out the other for me.

Tom ended up putting Natalie's shelf in her room.

Pictures will come tomorrow.

Later I'm heading off to Target. I need more frames because I just ordered 162 photos from Snapfish.

Don't worry, not all the photos are going up, just my favorites.

I always wanted a house with lots of pictures on the walls.

I didn't have that growing up. Photos pretty much went right into albums.

My house has photos everywhere.

And...

One more thing.

About Big Brother.

Amber thinks she can be a model.

*Eyes widen*

I mean no offense but...no..