Saturday, October 27, 2007

Dang You, Sara Lee

I just got back from the grocery store.

Otherwise known as The Building of Temptations.


It's like food companies know when I'm trying to lose weight.

They're all, "Oh no, Amber isn't buying as much junk as she was before. EMERGENCY MEETING!"

Then when all the workers are in a meeting someone would suggest, "How about we create a chocolate dipped cheesecake?"


Because that's what I found at the grocery store in the frozen section.

Chocolate covered cheesecake bites but Sara Lee.


I walked past it once.

"I don't need it," I thought. "Think of my thighs."

But then I couldn't stop thinking about them.


Chocolate dipped cheesecake bites.


Chocolate dipped cheesecake bites.

When I went to the bakery to order an apple fritter thing for Tom (aren't I nice wife) and the lady asked me what I wanted I burst out with, "Chocolate dipped cheesecake bites!"

She looked confused.

(I totally had an Elliot from Scrubs moment there.)

"Um," she said looking around the display case. "I don't see any.."

I shook my head. "No I mean...that.." I said pointing to what I wanted.


In the end I couldn't stop thinking about the damn things.

So I bought them.

And to make matters worse, someone was passing out FREE CAKE.

Apparently they had a party and were left with tons of cake.

"Free cake, free cake," a lady was saying.

Free cake.

Free cake.

No, Amber, be good.

You don't need free cake.

But...but..there are flowers made out of FROSTING on the cake.


Flowers made out of frosting.

I started to walk past them.

Good job, Amber. See? You don't need free cake. You don't--

"I'll take a slice," I heard a familiar voice say.

What the--??

And before I knew it a piece of cake was being handed to me.

Who said that??



Dammit AMBER.

Thank goodness that was all the bad stuff that I bought.

I mainly bought stuff for dinners.

I'm making these crock pot honey ribs. I found the recipe online.

And a pork loin roast.

Though I forgot the pork loin.

I mean who manages to remember all the ingredients except the MAIN one??!!

I'm going to Wal-Mart later so I'll pick one up then.

But geez.

My memory sucks.

And I had a list too but I guess I overlooked it.

I really need to go on a reality show where people just want to lose like 15 pounds.

I see they have a show called I want to look like a high school cheerleader. I guess it's about former cheerleaders who don't have the same body as they did in high school.

I certainly don't want to look like a cheerleader.

I just want to have my high school body back.

I need to have Simon Cowell or Gordon Ramsay as my personal trainer. And he needs to stay with me at all times because I have very little willpower.

If he had been with me in the grocery store today he'd have stopped me.

"Am-bah!" Gordon or Simon would have boomed. "What the HELL are you doing? Put that cake down. God Almighty what part of no junk food do you not understand? Give that cake to me. Right now. Don't you dare try to run away from me with that cake. You listen to me, Missy, I'm a millionare and I've been trained and I can outrun you. Give me the cake. There. Was that so hard."

Then Gordon or Simon would throw down my beloved cake.

I'd probably be tempted to bend down and take a small bite off the floor.

Then I'd be disgusted with myself.

I mean eat off the floor? What the hell, Amber?

"For punishment you'll be running for an hour. Don't give me that look, it doesn't work on me. Give me the cart. It's full of SHIT. Where's all the fruits? What? You just have APPLES? That's it? Dammit Amber."

I'd probably start to cry and be shouted at some more.

"You did this to yourself! To YOURSELF. In stand right here. EXCUSE ME EVERYONE. Take a look at this woman. Do not let her buy any junk food. She has no willpower and eats like she's a child. I mean who gets excited about free cake when you're 25? She's very naughty!"

And then I'd be all, "Yes I am a naughty naughty woman..." in a seductive tone because okay, Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay are pretty darn sexy.

Of course I'd probably insult them because after hearing them bash me and my bad eating habits I'd probably explode with, "You want me to lose weight? Feed me English food. Because it sucks."

Which would ultimately insult them...

And not ALL English food sucks by the way. Some of it wasn't bad.

But their baked beans tasted off to me when I had them.

Their spotted dick made me laugh. But their weird pudding freaked me out.

Just as I'm sure American food freaks out other people.

But anyhow I'd probably insult Simon Cowell or Gordon Ramsay and they'd storm off in anger while I shouted at their retreating back, "Call me!"

Though they never would.

Oh well.


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