Not too long ago Tommy announced that he was going to ride a two wheeler bike.
"I want those off," he told me, pointing to his training wheels.
I asked Tom to get them off. Because I had no idea what to do. I imagine all you needed was a wrench and to twist a few times. But I am clueless when it comes to tools. When I go through Tom's tools I make up my own name for them:
For instance a Ratchet is called a Dippy Do Dah.
"Hand me the allen wrench," Tom will say.
"Oh you mean Atticus?" I'll respond.
Tom just rolls his eyes at me. "I'm not even going to ask," he'll mutter. He's just used to my antics and my love of naming inanimate objects.
So Tom took Tommy's training wheels off and he helped him practice. I watched with Natalie as Tom would hold the bike. Tommy would pedal and shout at Tom to let go.
"Are you sure?" Tom asked.
"LET GO!" Tommy boomed.
It reminded me of that episode on Full House where Michelle learns to ride a two wheeler. She's shouting at Joey to LET GO and Joey doesn't want to let go because the last time he let go, Michelle fell into a bush and had a hissy fit about it. Man, those kids were brats.
Tom let go and of course Tommy tumbled to the ground.
Thankfully he had on knee and elbow pads, complete with a Spiderman helmet.
They practiced for about an hour and then Tom said that he was done. He tried to get Tommy interested in something else.
"Want to jump on the trampoline?"
"No. I wanna ride my bike," Tommy said. "I do it myself."
I watched from the window as he would fall down and determined, he'd get right back on the bike.
A few times he'd shout in anger. I saw him kick his bike at one point.
Then he got dramatic (wonder where he gets it from?) and clasped his hands together, looked up at the sky and shouted, "WHYYYYY?"
But still, he kept trying.
I had to call him in when it started to get dark and he fumed.
"I wanna ride my bike," he whined.
"Tomorrow," I answered.
And each day he'd get back on his bike.
And then yesterday..
He started riding on his own.
"MOMMY!" I heard him shout as I was feeding Natalie.
I rushed outside, thinking that perhaps he had gotten hurt. He knows to stay by the house. I'm not one of those parents who lets their young children wander the neighborhood.
I saw Tommy pedal with a big smile on his face.
"I do it!"
Then he got overexcited and lost his balance. He collapsed onto the street, the bike falling on top of him. I thought he'd get upset but instead he simply pushed the bike off of him and climbed back on.
"I DO IT!" he yelled as he pedaled.
"You did it!" I said, clapping. I even had tears in my eyes.
"I'm a big boy now," Tommy told me seriously.
I am just amazed. The reason why he wanted his training wheels off is because the two boys that are in his class that live on the street were riding two wheelers. And Tommy wanted to be the same.
"Training wheels are for babies," he informed me.
He's outside now, pedaling basically like a pro. There are times where he loses his balance but he just climbs back up and tries again. I marvel at it because he just started pedaling at around five because of his low muscle tone. I remember how excited I was when he pedaled his bike. Before he'd just push himself along with his feet.
One of the little boys in Tommy's class saw me outside with Natalie the other day.
"Hey Tommy's Mom," he said.
Because that's who you are after you have children, you see.
"I thought Tommy had training wheels." The kid said this in a semi-snotty tone. I'm not fond of him. See, he has the same backpack as Tommy and Tommy notices everything. So at the bus stop he got excited and told the boy, "We have the same backpack. We have the same backpack!" And yes, it's not something that typical children may get thrilled about. So the little boy rolled his eyes and went, "So what?" I wanted to snap at the little boy and mutter, "You little shit," but I swallowed it back.
"Tommy can ride a two wheeler bike now," I told Brat Boy proudly.
The boy shrugged. "Oh. Me too. I could ride two wheelers when I was FIVE," he told me smugly.
You little shit...
It's probably a good idea why I decided not to work at the Child Development Center. I'd probably be thinking that a lot. Plus I realized that I don't really like other people's children. Unless you're a friend of mine, that is. Then I love your children.
In other news, we had to take Max to the vet for his rabies and distemper shot.
We had tried to get him his rabies shot before, but because he had a cold, he didn't get it.
So we brought him back and Max was meowing the whole way there.
"MEEOOOOWWW. MEOOOWWWW.." Deep, gutteral meows.
When I checked in at the vet, I asked if they knew a place where we could board Max while we're at Disney. They said that they did it there for $10 a day. Which I suppose isn't that bad. So we booked him for that.
Then we were called back.
Basically, we take him to this Cat Clinic instead of on base because the last time we took him on base they kept us waiting forever and they had big ugly dogs in the waiting room that freaked Max out. I felt awful for him. And for myself. Because dogs sense I don't like them and they kept coming up to me and I'd have to give them a polite pat so I didn't offend their owners. I don't think they'd appreciate it if I said, "Your dog stinks and would you mind getting its nose out of my crotch?"
The vet came back a few minutes later and checked Max over. Max still has watery eyes but he doesn't have the cold anymore.
Other than his eyes, he's in perfect health.
He took his shots like a pro. He didn't even flinch. Well, he sort of glared at me during the second one and then all was well again.
Max will be well taken care of while we're at Disney. All the ladies there are wonderful and they only take care of kitties. So they know exactly what Max needs.
Although the cost of the trip was robbery. It was $30 for the exam! Total was $59.
Ouch.
But Maximus Prime is worth it. That's what I call him. I'll go, "Maximus Prime: the FURRY Transformer!"
Max sort of just stares at me like I'm nuts. Just like my husband. And my children. And basically anyone who comes into contact with me.
I better go give the kitchen counters a final scrub. My parents should be here in about an hour. I'm making my crock pot pot roast and the house smells great.
Hold on.
*Sniffs*
Lovely, Max just took a dump so I better clean that too. Though the minute I clean his box, he's only going to take another dump so..
Ugh.
Thank goodness for air freshner.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Amber is Crankified
So anyhow, I haven't had the best day.
For starters, I stubbed my toe this morning. Then I had an argument with Tommy. He wanted to wear a long-sleeved shirt and I kept trying to explain that it was going to be in the eighties today.
"A long sleeved shirt would be too hot," I kept saying.
"I want LONG SLEEVE!" he'd shriek back at me.
Finally I gave in.
Whatever, if he wants to sweat all day, that's his choice.
A good thing that did happen was that I found out the Memorial Day sale at Gymboree was starting today.
So I figured I'd go.
So Natalie and I went and usually Gymboree isn't that busy. But today there were a bunch of customers in there. Huh? Are people from Wyoming reading my diary and shopping at MY store? Quel horror!
The store is really small and I had the big hunking Graco stroller. It's really difficult to maneuver that thing around when there are racks upon racks. Oh and small children running around in front of you. I seriously nearly ran over this little boy. I didn't see him and I was about an inch from hitting him when his mother shrieked, "DANVER, move!!"
Danver??
The heck?
What is it with people wanting to name their children odd names?
I was bummed because they didn't have the size I needed in a shirt and a pair of shoes that I needed for Natalie.
But I perked up when I saw that a bunch of other clothes were 60% off off, plus an additional 20% off for the sale plus I had another 20% off coupon plus the 5% discount I get with my Gymboree Visa.
I found a few shirts there.
Then I found an Easter dress for Natalie.
Of course at this point, Natalie had had enough. She wiggled her way out of the seatbelt and stood straight up.
And proceeded to screech.
One little girl clapped her hands over her ears. "Mommy. That baby is LOUD!" she said, pointing at Natalie.
So I had to pick her up to keep her quiet. And let me telling you, looking for clothes while holding onto a squirming 13-month-old is not easy. I'd be looking for her size and she'd start to shift down my stomach. I'd scoop her back up and she'd screech into my ear, causing the ringing that I usually get from her to begin.
"I'm looking for clothes for you," I kept trying to explain.
But Tom must've placed his body inside of hers or something. Maybe that's what he does on the computer? Because Natalie kept screeching as though Tom were there beside me.
She has enough. She has enough!
Had it really been Tom I'd have told him to piss off and reminded him of all the crap he gets. For himself.
Of course I didn't want to tell my sweet darling baby to piss off. Because with my luck she'd repeat it sweetly at me and proceed to tell strangers to piss off.
I was also intrigued by the people in the store with me. I always get excited when I see other people thrilled with Gymboree. I want to instantly be their friends. Because they obviously understand about clothing obsessions. But obviously I'm not going to wander up to someone and be all, "I'm Amber. I love Gymboree too. Let's be friends!"
Then I'd be forever known as "That Strange Gymboree Woman." Or probably, "That Psycho Gymboree Woman."
My arm felt like it was going to break off as I searched through racks. Any normal mother might have called it a day and just checked out with what she had.
Not me.
I pushed through the pain and searched through racks.
Must.Find.Deals.Must.Shop.
This one chick bought $200 worth of clothes.
I always assume that people that can drop $200 worth of clothes in one day must be rich.
Silly, I know.
But I could never drop that much in a day.
I mean I know I have an obsession but I could never allow myself to do that.
I drooled over her pile of clothing and wished that I had rich friends who spoiled my children with Gymboree. Or grandparents who spoiled my children with Gymboree. But my Mom insists that the kids have too much and she's not going to add to my madness.
And Tom's Mom would probably pass out if she saw a Gymboree price tag before I could explain that I never pay full price for it.
*Le sigh*
Finally I was done and set my pile on the counter.
The lady rang it up and said I was $4 short if I wanted a Gymbuck.
"I do!" I exclaimed.
She said I could go grab something and she'd wait. But there was someone behind me and I didn't want to be rude and take forever. So I plucked this Easter basket that was sitting on the counter and said I'd take it.
The cashier was amused. "Your Mommy is so silly," she said to Natalie who just looked flat annoyed.
I wanna crawl around. Mommy is mean. Mean mean mean!
I spent $53.17
Hah.
I dared to set Natalie in the stroller since we were leaving and she let out a bloodcurdling scream.
"Ohh..you're fine..Mommy just needs some tea," I explained as we headed for Chick-fil-a.
Natalie's wails settled down and she placed her thumb in her mouth and sucked angrily. Thankfully there was no line at Chick-fil-a so it went rather quickly. But I was in a cranky mood because I wasn't able to shop happily so when I handed over my money to the cashier and she went, "Oh out of two dollars?" I wanted to say, "No actually that's a five dollar bill. YES out of two dollars. DUH.."
But I didn't.
I just thought it.
Then we headed for home.
But I got stuck behind this car that was NOT going the speed limit.
It was 40 and she was doing 30.
I bet she was on her stupid cell phone.
I wanted to pass her but then I worry that it's rude. Plus we were nearly home and I figured she'd turn off or something.
Nope.
We got onto the interstate and she didn't even get up to 65! And I couldn't pass because a truck was in another lane.
She was going 40.
The HELL lady??!!!
And I wasn't tailing her, I promise. I gave the length of two cars as I was taught in drivers ed.
But guess what?
This jerk behind me decided to attempt to pass her. But he realized he couldn't get ahead because of the truck so he CUT in front of my nice length of two cars.
I honked my horn angrily at him.
YOU RUINED MY LENGTH OF TWO CARS, BUDDY!
Of course that lady went onto the base.
The speed limit on base is 30.
She went 20.
She must have woken up this morning and was all, "You know what? I think I'll go ten less then the speed limit today. Let's see how many people I can piss off.."
She mercifully turned off and I thought it would be easy cruising all the way home.
Nope.
The base decided to do another Fun Run and cut off my way home. They expect everyone to know the back way home and I don't.
So I pulled up and a cop in uniform was standing there.
"You can't go through here," he told me and then turned away as though we were done with talking.
"Um," I called out. "Then tell me how to get HOME!"
At this point I was hot and I just wanted to get home.
He turned around, surprised that I was still there. "Uhhhh..." He scratched his arm. "Uhh..not sure.." Then he turned around and thought we were done again.
DUDE.
"Look, I have a pissed off baby and I just want to get HOME," I shouted.
He turned around again, shocked as hell.
And actually, Natalie wasn't pissed. For once she was happily playing in her carseat. Of course she's not going to scream when I really want her to. Of course not.
But I wanted to get home, dangit.
"Well.." he said slowly. "I guess you could pass. Just watch out for runners.."
He moved a cone aside and I drove past before he could change his mind.
I mean geez.
If they want to do a fun run, do it at the stupid track. Do NOT close of roads. It's RUDE.
And what's this crap about calling it a FUN run anyhow. The runners I passed didn't look like they were having fun. In fact, one looked like he was doing to pass out. He was slugging along with his tongue hanging out.
I had to wait forever for a bunch of runners to pass the turn I needed to get home.
Lalala..
Freaking fun run.
One runner called out, "You shouldn't be here! Go the back way!"
"NO!" I shouted back.
He looked taken aback but kept running.
Then I was finally able to turn home.
Seriously, don't mess with Cranky Amber.
And really, that cop HAD let me pass..
Then when I got home I picked up my tea and realized my tea was all at the bottom of my cup holder.
THE HELL???
Apparently the cup had a hole in it.
You see?
I shrieked out dramatically, "My TEA!"
I was close to running inside and grabbing a straw to suck it up.
That's disgusting, Amber, my Voice of Reason piped up. My Voice of Reason is pissed at me so we haven't been speaking much. But at this point it felt like it had to step in.
"That IS disgusting," I muttered.
I nearly cried.
I don't know what happened.
I ran inside and saw a little hole on the bottom of the cup.
I don't know how it got there.
"Is this your idea of a sick joke, God?" I asked outloud.
Because when I stubbed my toe this morning I had shrieked out, "God dammit!" which I rarely ever say because I think it's rude. I mean I wouldn't want someone to yell "AMBER DAMMIT" whenever they got hurt. It's just not nice.
And then the whole lie I told to that cop to get through.
"My baby is pissy.." when in reality Natalie was happily playing in the backseat.
It was really ME who was all pissy.
So I think Karma came back and bit me in the ass.
Well, my tea cup that is.
Rude.
Sorry God.
For starters, I stubbed my toe this morning. Then I had an argument with Tommy. He wanted to wear a long-sleeved shirt and I kept trying to explain that it was going to be in the eighties today.
"A long sleeved shirt would be too hot," I kept saying.
"I want LONG SLEEVE!" he'd shriek back at me.
Finally I gave in.
Whatever, if he wants to sweat all day, that's his choice.
A good thing that did happen was that I found out the Memorial Day sale at Gymboree was starting today.
So I figured I'd go.
So Natalie and I went and usually Gymboree isn't that busy. But today there were a bunch of customers in there. Huh? Are people from Wyoming reading my diary and shopping at MY store? Quel horror!
The store is really small and I had the big hunking Graco stroller. It's really difficult to maneuver that thing around when there are racks upon racks. Oh and small children running around in front of you. I seriously nearly ran over this little boy. I didn't see him and I was about an inch from hitting him when his mother shrieked, "DANVER, move!!"
Danver??
The heck?
What is it with people wanting to name their children odd names?
I was bummed because they didn't have the size I needed in a shirt and a pair of shoes that I needed for Natalie.
But I perked up when I saw that a bunch of other clothes were 60% off off, plus an additional 20% off for the sale plus I had another 20% off coupon plus the 5% discount I get with my Gymboree Visa.
I found a few shirts there.
Then I found an Easter dress for Natalie.
Of course at this point, Natalie had had enough. She wiggled her way out of the seatbelt and stood straight up.
And proceeded to screech.
One little girl clapped her hands over her ears. "Mommy. That baby is LOUD!" she said, pointing at Natalie.
So I had to pick her up to keep her quiet. And let me telling you, looking for clothes while holding onto a squirming 13-month-old is not easy. I'd be looking for her size and she'd start to shift down my stomach. I'd scoop her back up and she'd screech into my ear, causing the ringing that I usually get from her to begin.
"I'm looking for clothes for you," I kept trying to explain.
But Tom must've placed his body inside of hers or something. Maybe that's what he does on the computer? Because Natalie kept screeching as though Tom were there beside me.
She has enough. She has enough!
Had it really been Tom I'd have told him to piss off and reminded him of all the crap he gets. For himself.
Of course I didn't want to tell my sweet darling baby to piss off. Because with my luck she'd repeat it sweetly at me and proceed to tell strangers to piss off.
I was also intrigued by the people in the store with me. I always get excited when I see other people thrilled with Gymboree. I want to instantly be their friends. Because they obviously understand about clothing obsessions. But obviously I'm not going to wander up to someone and be all, "I'm Amber. I love Gymboree too. Let's be friends!"
Then I'd be forever known as "That Strange Gymboree Woman." Or probably, "That Psycho Gymboree Woman."
My arm felt like it was going to break off as I searched through racks. Any normal mother might have called it a day and just checked out with what she had.
Not me.
I pushed through the pain and searched through racks.
Must.Find.Deals.Must.Shop.
This one chick bought $200 worth of clothes.
I always assume that people that can drop $200 worth of clothes in one day must be rich.
Silly, I know.
But I could never drop that much in a day.
I mean I know I have an obsession but I could never allow myself to do that.
I drooled over her pile of clothing and wished that I had rich friends who spoiled my children with Gymboree. Or grandparents who spoiled my children with Gymboree. But my Mom insists that the kids have too much and she's not going to add to my madness.
And Tom's Mom would probably pass out if she saw a Gymboree price tag before I could explain that I never pay full price for it.
*Le sigh*
Finally I was done and set my pile on the counter.
The lady rang it up and said I was $4 short if I wanted a Gymbuck.
"I do!" I exclaimed.
She said I could go grab something and she'd wait. But there was someone behind me and I didn't want to be rude and take forever. So I plucked this Easter basket that was sitting on the counter and said I'd take it.
The cashier was amused. "Your Mommy is so silly," she said to Natalie who just looked flat annoyed.
I wanna crawl around. Mommy is mean. Mean mean mean!
I spent $53.17
Hah.
I dared to set Natalie in the stroller since we were leaving and she let out a bloodcurdling scream.
"Ohh..you're fine..Mommy just needs some tea," I explained as we headed for Chick-fil-a.
Natalie's wails settled down and she placed her thumb in her mouth and sucked angrily. Thankfully there was no line at Chick-fil-a so it went rather quickly. But I was in a cranky mood because I wasn't able to shop happily so when I handed over my money to the cashier and she went, "Oh out of two dollars?" I wanted to say, "No actually that's a five dollar bill. YES out of two dollars. DUH.."
But I didn't.
I just thought it.
Then we headed for home.
But I got stuck behind this car that was NOT going the speed limit.
It was 40 and she was doing 30.
I bet she was on her stupid cell phone.
I wanted to pass her but then I worry that it's rude. Plus we were nearly home and I figured she'd turn off or something.
Nope.
We got onto the interstate and she didn't even get up to 65! And I couldn't pass because a truck was in another lane.
She was going 40.
The HELL lady??!!!
And I wasn't tailing her, I promise. I gave the length of two cars as I was taught in drivers ed.
But guess what?
This jerk behind me decided to attempt to pass her. But he realized he couldn't get ahead because of the truck so he CUT in front of my nice length of two cars.
I honked my horn angrily at him.
YOU RUINED MY LENGTH OF TWO CARS, BUDDY!
Of course that lady went onto the base.
The speed limit on base is 30.
She went 20.
She must have woken up this morning and was all, "You know what? I think I'll go ten less then the speed limit today. Let's see how many people I can piss off.."
She mercifully turned off and I thought it would be easy cruising all the way home.
Nope.
The base decided to do another Fun Run and cut off my way home. They expect everyone to know the back way home and I don't.
So I pulled up and a cop in uniform was standing there.
"You can't go through here," he told me and then turned away as though we were done with talking.
"Um," I called out. "Then tell me how to get HOME!"
At this point I was hot and I just wanted to get home.
He turned around, surprised that I was still there. "Uhhhh..." He scratched his arm. "Uhh..not sure.." Then he turned around and thought we were done again.
DUDE.
"Look, I have a pissed off baby and I just want to get HOME," I shouted.
He turned around again, shocked as hell.
And actually, Natalie wasn't pissed. For once she was happily playing in her carseat. Of course she's not going to scream when I really want her to. Of course not.
But I wanted to get home, dangit.
"Well.." he said slowly. "I guess you could pass. Just watch out for runners.."
He moved a cone aside and I drove past before he could change his mind.
I mean geez.
If they want to do a fun run, do it at the stupid track. Do NOT close of roads. It's RUDE.
And what's this crap about calling it a FUN run anyhow. The runners I passed didn't look like they were having fun. In fact, one looked like he was doing to pass out. He was slugging along with his tongue hanging out.
I had to wait forever for a bunch of runners to pass the turn I needed to get home.
Lalala..
Freaking fun run.
One runner called out, "You shouldn't be here! Go the back way!"
"NO!" I shouted back.
He looked taken aback but kept running.
Then I was finally able to turn home.
Seriously, don't mess with Cranky Amber.
And really, that cop HAD let me pass..
Then when I got home I picked up my tea and realized my tea was all at the bottom of my cup holder.
THE HELL???
Apparently the cup had a hole in it.
You see?
I shrieked out dramatically, "My TEA!"
I was close to running inside and grabbing a straw to suck it up.
That's disgusting, Amber, my Voice of Reason piped up. My Voice of Reason is pissed at me so we haven't been speaking much. But at this point it felt like it had to step in.
"That IS disgusting," I muttered.
I nearly cried.
I don't know what happened.
I ran inside and saw a little hole on the bottom of the cup.
I don't know how it got there.
"Is this your idea of a sick joke, God?" I asked outloud.
Because when I stubbed my toe this morning I had shrieked out, "God dammit!" which I rarely ever say because I think it's rude. I mean I wouldn't want someone to yell "AMBER DAMMIT" whenever they got hurt. It's just not nice.
And then the whole lie I told to that cop to get through.
"My baby is pissy.." when in reality Natalie was happily playing in the backseat.
It was really ME who was all pissy.
So I think Karma came back and bit me in the ass.
Well, my tea cup that is.
Rude.
Sorry God.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Breathing out of Two Nostrils
On Saturday, Tom volunteered to stand by a booth for Armed Forces Day. It was at the mall and he basically had to explain to people what security forces did and show weapons that they used. (Unarmed, obviously..)
I had told Tom that I'd meet him there at noon and we'd have lunch.
Of course on Saturday I had a bit of a cold so I wasn't feeling that great. And Tommy continued to count by tens. Loud.
"Ten, twenty, thirty, FORTY, FIFTY, SIXTY!"
"That's very good, Tommy," I said, over his shouting. "But how about you do that quietly?"
My head throbbed a little bit and I longed to be able to breathe from both nostrils again.
Tommy, who doesn't understand the meaning of quiet, continued to count in his booming voice. By the time we got to the mall I was this close to taking off running to a quiet place. Of course I didn't. Instead I opened up the stroller, plucked Natalie inside of it and informed Tommy to hold onto the stroller with me.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I said so!" I barked. A phrase I had promised myself I would never use when I had children but a phase that I've been using quite a lot. Though I do try to explain myself more but on that day, I wasn't feeling that great and wished that it weren't illegal to muzzle children.
When we got inside, there was a band playing. It didn't help my head much.
There were tons of booths set up. As we walked by, this old lady stuck a paper poppy underneath my nose.
"Do you want one?" she asked.
I grabbed it, just to get it away from my face. "Sure. Thank you," I said and was about to walk on.
"For a DONATION!" she said in this haughty voice, practically jumping in front of the stroller. Holy crud, for an old dame she was agile.
"Oh," I said, genuinely surprised. I mean the booth didn't even mention donations. I pulled my purse from the storage in the stroller and dug through it to find my wallet. I really need to clean in there. I found it and thankfully I had a dollar left. Usually I rarely have cash in my wallet. I offered it to her and her face fell. She took my dollar as if it were diseased or something.
"The donation is for veterans," she said rudely.
"I'm sorry," I explained. "I do appreciate what everyone has done for this country but I honestly have no money left." I even opened my wallet and showed her in case she thought I was holding out a twenty on her.
The old lady actually peeked inside and scowled. "Havaniceday," she grumbled and grabbed another paper poppy off her counter. Then she leaped in front of the next unsuspecting mother.
"Do you want one!?" I heard her screech as I walked off.
We were stopped again by an anti-drug booth.
"Would you like to spin for a prize?" the lady asked, gesturing to a small wheel with drug pictures on it.
"Sure," I said.
I spun and it landed on marijuana.
"You got marijuana!" the lady said in a voice that sounded too cheerful to me. Could it be that she's had experience with it? Hrm….I for one, have never done drugs and I'm quite proud of that.
She pulled the marijuana card out and flipped it around. She asked me a question on what marijuana could do to a person and I had to answer. I suppose I answered right because she said I could pick a pencil or a tape measure.
"Er, the tape measure," I said.
She went into the back and pulled one out. I immediately handed it to Natalie, who inspected it seriously.
Then she looked at Tommy and said he could spin too.
"Yeah!" he said and spun the wheel.
His landed on meth.
"Ohhh, meth!" the lady said and pulled out the card.
"True or false," she asked Tommy. "Meth can make you very very sick."
Tommy knows that drugs are bad for him. Because he's so into learning about the human body, I have explained to him that he should never drink a lot of alcohol or take drugs because it could ruin his body.
"TRUE!" Tommy said, jumping up and down.
"That's RIGHT!" the lady said. "Now what prize do you want? We have a rocket, a--- "
"A ROCKET!" Tommy said, clapping his hands.
The lady handed him this Styrofoam rocket with the logo "Drugs don't fly with us!" on the side.
"Yay! Thanks!" Tommy said and immediately tossed the rocket into the air. It nearly took out my eye.
"Tommy. No throwing inside," I hissed.
Tommy gave me a look that clearly told me that I was an Uncool Mom.
We finally found Tom at his booth. He was just finishing up showing a kid how to use the M-16 I think it was? I dunno. In the back area they were putting camo paint on children.
"Do you want some paint on your face?" I asked Tommy.
Tommy's eyes widened. "No!" he screeched. "It feels funny!"
Ahh, there goes the sensory issues again.
Tom finished up with the kid and said he was free to go since his relief showed up.
"Do you want to see the guns, Tommy?" he asked his son, who was staring at them in horror.
"Guns are bad," Tommy whispered.
"Guns aren't bad. I use them for my job. They can help get rid of the bad people," Tom explained, taking hold of the M-16. "Here, you can hold it.." He offered it to Tommy, who backed up.
"Guns are bad," he repeated.
"Guns ARE bad, Tommy," I said. "But these guns help Daddy at work."
Tommy reluctantly stepped forward and took hold of the gun. He held it for all of two seconds before handed it back to Tom and rushing back behind my leg.
We went to get lunch a few minutes later. I really wanted my tea from Chick-fil-A but the line was stretched. Ugh. They need to have an Only Wanting Tea line, really. That's all I wanted.
We went to Sbarro instead. We just ordered a large cheese pizza because it ends up being cheaper than if we each ordered a combo meal.
Natalie actually sat in the high chair while we ate. Though she got impatient at the end and kept standing up and pointing at everyone.
"What is that?" she'd ask, pointing at a man walking by.
That's her newest thing: she's been saying "What is that?" or "What's that?"
"It's a man," I said, setting her back down. "We must sit, Natalie."
I'd take another bite of pizza and she'd be up again. "What is that?" she asked, pointing at a woman.
"It's a woman," I explained. "We must sit, Natalie."
Two minutes later, same thing.
"What is that?" she asked, pointing to the lights.
"Lights," I explained. "We must SIT, Natalie…"
I don't mind her asking the questions. Because as my long readers will remember, Tommy barely spoke a word until he was nearly four. He said a few things, but it was few and far between. He was never asking what things were at Natalie's age. So I am grateful.
We checked out Sears before we left. Tom got some screw things. I was bored out of my mind as we walked down the tool aisles.
Then we headed home. Before we went our separate ways (we each had our own vehicle) Tom was all, "I'm impressed that you didn't go into Gymboree!"
I explained that I was waiting for the Memorial Day sale, which begins on Thursday. It's an extra 20% off sale items. Plus you can use a 20% off coupon. (There's a 20% off coupon in the latest Parents.)
"Oh Amber," Tom said, shaking his head.
"What? The government gave us money to spend. I don't want to disappoint the government." I smiled sweetly at him.
"Eventually," Tom said, putting his beret on, (Since he was in uniform.) "That excuse is not going to work anymore."
Really? Damn.
I had told Tom that I'd meet him there at noon and we'd have lunch.
Of course on Saturday I had a bit of a cold so I wasn't feeling that great. And Tommy continued to count by tens. Loud.
"Ten, twenty, thirty, FORTY, FIFTY, SIXTY!"
"That's very good, Tommy," I said, over his shouting. "But how about you do that quietly?"
My head throbbed a little bit and I longed to be able to breathe from both nostrils again.
Tommy, who doesn't understand the meaning of quiet, continued to count in his booming voice. By the time we got to the mall I was this close to taking off running to a quiet place. Of course I didn't. Instead I opened up the stroller, plucked Natalie inside of it and informed Tommy to hold onto the stroller with me.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I said so!" I barked. A phrase I had promised myself I would never use when I had children but a phase that I've been using quite a lot. Though I do try to explain myself more but on that day, I wasn't feeling that great and wished that it weren't illegal to muzzle children.
When we got inside, there was a band playing. It didn't help my head much.
There were tons of booths set up. As we walked by, this old lady stuck a paper poppy underneath my nose.
"Do you want one?" she asked.
I grabbed it, just to get it away from my face. "Sure. Thank you," I said and was about to walk on.
"For a DONATION!" she said in this haughty voice, practically jumping in front of the stroller. Holy crud, for an old dame she was agile.
"Oh," I said, genuinely surprised. I mean the booth didn't even mention donations. I pulled my purse from the storage in the stroller and dug through it to find my wallet. I really need to clean in there. I found it and thankfully I had a dollar left. Usually I rarely have cash in my wallet. I offered it to her and her face fell. She took my dollar as if it were diseased or something.
"The donation is for veterans," she said rudely.
"I'm sorry," I explained. "I do appreciate what everyone has done for this country but I honestly have no money left." I even opened my wallet and showed her in case she thought I was holding out a twenty on her.
The old lady actually peeked inside and scowled. "Havaniceday," she grumbled and grabbed another paper poppy off her counter. Then she leaped in front of the next unsuspecting mother.
"Do you want one!?" I heard her screech as I walked off.
We were stopped again by an anti-drug booth.
"Would you like to spin for a prize?" the lady asked, gesturing to a small wheel with drug pictures on it.
"Sure," I said.
I spun and it landed on marijuana.
"You got marijuana!" the lady said in a voice that sounded too cheerful to me. Could it be that she's had experience with it? Hrm….I for one, have never done drugs and I'm quite proud of that.
She pulled the marijuana card out and flipped it around. She asked me a question on what marijuana could do to a person and I had to answer. I suppose I answered right because she said I could pick a pencil or a tape measure.
"Er, the tape measure," I said.
She went into the back and pulled one out. I immediately handed it to Natalie, who inspected it seriously.
Then she looked at Tommy and said he could spin too.
"Yeah!" he said and spun the wheel.
His landed on meth.
"Ohhh, meth!" the lady said and pulled out the card.
"True or false," she asked Tommy. "Meth can make you very very sick."
Tommy knows that drugs are bad for him. Because he's so into learning about the human body, I have explained to him that he should never drink a lot of alcohol or take drugs because it could ruin his body.
"TRUE!" Tommy said, jumping up and down.
"That's RIGHT!" the lady said. "Now what prize do you want? We have a rocket, a--- "
"A ROCKET!" Tommy said, clapping his hands.
The lady handed him this Styrofoam rocket with the logo "Drugs don't fly with us!" on the side.
"Yay! Thanks!" Tommy said and immediately tossed the rocket into the air. It nearly took out my eye.
"Tommy. No throwing inside," I hissed.
Tommy gave me a look that clearly told me that I was an Uncool Mom.
We finally found Tom at his booth. He was just finishing up showing a kid how to use the M-16 I think it was? I dunno. In the back area they were putting camo paint on children.
"Do you want some paint on your face?" I asked Tommy.
Tommy's eyes widened. "No!" he screeched. "It feels funny!"
Ahh, there goes the sensory issues again.
Tom finished up with the kid and said he was free to go since his relief showed up.
"Do you want to see the guns, Tommy?" he asked his son, who was staring at them in horror.
"Guns are bad," Tommy whispered.
"Guns aren't bad. I use them for my job. They can help get rid of the bad people," Tom explained, taking hold of the M-16. "Here, you can hold it.." He offered it to Tommy, who backed up.
"Guns are bad," he repeated.
"Guns ARE bad, Tommy," I said. "But these guns help Daddy at work."
Tommy reluctantly stepped forward and took hold of the gun. He held it for all of two seconds before handed it back to Tom and rushing back behind my leg.
We went to get lunch a few minutes later. I really wanted my tea from Chick-fil-A but the line was stretched. Ugh. They need to have an Only Wanting Tea line, really. That's all I wanted.
We went to Sbarro instead. We just ordered a large cheese pizza because it ends up being cheaper than if we each ordered a combo meal.
Natalie actually sat in the high chair while we ate. Though she got impatient at the end and kept standing up and pointing at everyone.
"What is that?" she'd ask, pointing at a man walking by.
That's her newest thing: she's been saying "What is that?" or "What's that?"
"It's a man," I said, setting her back down. "We must sit, Natalie."
I'd take another bite of pizza and she'd be up again. "What is that?" she asked, pointing at a woman.
"It's a woman," I explained. "We must sit, Natalie."
Two minutes later, same thing.
"What is that?" she asked, pointing to the lights.
"Lights," I explained. "We must SIT, Natalie…"
I don't mind her asking the questions. Because as my long readers will remember, Tommy barely spoke a word until he was nearly four. He said a few things, but it was few and far between. He was never asking what things were at Natalie's age. So I am grateful.
We checked out Sears before we left. Tom got some screw things. I was bored out of my mind as we walked down the tool aisles.
Then we headed home. Before we went our separate ways (we each had our own vehicle) Tom was all, "I'm impressed that you didn't go into Gymboree!"
I explained that I was waiting for the Memorial Day sale, which begins on Thursday. It's an extra 20% off sale items. Plus you can use a 20% off coupon. (There's a 20% off coupon in the latest Parents.)
"Oh Amber," Tom said, shaking his head.
"What? The government gave us money to spend. I don't want to disappoint the government." I smiled sweetly at him.
"Eventually," Tom said, putting his beret on, (Since he was in uniform.) "That excuse is not going to work anymore."
Really? Damn.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
House Of Sick
I may be the only person who does not want to see the new Indiana Jones movie.
I never liked any of them.
It was actually a movie that Tom picked for our movie nights when we were dating. This was during our "polite" phase. He endured Sleepless in Seattle without a word and I had to sit through that boring movie.
I kept getting confused on why Han Solo continued to crack a whip.
Just like it startles me when I see Han Solo today with his hair stark white.
Tom wants to see the new Indiana Jones and I said he's welcome to go on his own.
"I thought we could go when your parents visit. For a date," he said hopefully.
"No thanks," I said.
Plus, he already agreed to see the Sex and the City movie.
How?
Well, remember when he went paintballing and he didn't call to let me know what was going on?
Yeah, I sort of made him feel ultra guilty and Tom asked how he could make it up to me.
"Well," I said slowly, "you COULD go see the Sex and the City movie with me..." I trailed off, pretending that I didn't care one way or another. I examined my ragged fingernail and vowwed that I wouldn't chew them again--of course that vow lasted all of two days before my nails were in my mouth once again.
Anyhow, Tom said he'd see it with me.
"I'm sure you'll see boobies," I told him.
Tom's eyes lit up at that. (He's such a MAN.) But then he pretended not to care. He gave a little shrug and went, "I'll just try not to stare at Jessica Sarah's mole."
"Sarah Jessica," I corrected.
Tom shrugged, showing me he could care less what her name was.
"I'll probably be the only man in the theater," he muttered.
Probably not. I imagine there will be other men in there dragged along by their mates.
I told this to Tom.
"GAY men," he fumed.
"Tom. Some men actually LIKE the show. I think deep down you like the show. You watch when I have it on," I pointed out.
"That's because there's nothing else to watch!" he retorted.
Yeah, whatevs.
His favorite episode is when Samantha calls baby Brady an asshole.
Mine too, actually.
Because really, babies can behave like assholes at times.
But enough about that.
I just got back from Burger King. I was naughty and got that for dinner.
Tom works tonight and I woke up feeling like crap.
Natalie woke up feeling like crap.
In fact she woke up a number of times last night.
The fifth time I began to wonder if her plan was to kill me by lack of sleep.
Then when she woke up for the day it was whine whine and double whine.
Plus I see another tooth popping through.
She's refusing to eat again. All she's eaten today is breastmilk and a few bites of oatmeal.
Plus I got her to take a few sips of regular milk. Just a few. Now she pushes the cup away whenever I offer it to her.
I went down for a nap when she did. I did not want to wake up.
Then Tom left for work and I did not feel like cooking.
So I told Tommy that we were going to Burger King.
"Just a plain burger," Tommy told me firmly.
And he's serious about that too. The mustard and the onion pellets freak him out. The pickles send him into hysterics.
It has to be plain.
The Burger King on this base is slow though. I pulled up at the drive thru and the lady blasted over the line.
"WELCOME TO BURGERKING HOW CAN I HELP?"
Again, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
"Yes, I'll take the six piece chicken finger meal," I shouted. "With a diet cok--"
"HOLD ON!"
A silence.
Then, "WHAT TO DRINK?"
"A diet coke..can I get that with buffalo sauce?"
(It's this spicy sauce. It rocks.)
"IS THAT ALL?"
"No, plus a PLAIN hamburger kid's meal."
I have to stress plain. Because if I don't, the burger is still given to us with crap on it.
Then I was naughty and ordered a Hershey's Sundae Pie. I haven't had one of those since England.
Mmmm sundae pie...
I was given the total and then I drove up to the window. The woman leaned out and handed me my drinks. They had the Indiana Jones pictures all over them.
"You excited about the movie?" she asked.
I didn't know what she was talking about at first. I sort of gaped at her in confusion.
"The movie!" she gestured to Han Solo on the side of my diet coke. He was in the middle of cracking a whip with a determined look on his face.
"Not really. It's weird to see Han Solo with a whip, you know?" I laughed a little bit at my joke and it was her turn to gape at me.
"Um," I felt the need to add. "You know, because he was in Star Wars as Han Solo...."
She still looked confused.
Okay then.
Never seen Star Wars, obviously.
Then she nearly forgot to give me my pie!
I dug through the bag and she had shut her window.
I waited a few seconds to see if she'd come back and she never did.
So I reached over and knocked on it.
I saw her peek around the corner and she looked startled to still see me there. She opened it and went, "Yes?"
"My pie? I don't have my pie," I said. I guess I sort of sounded a tad hysterical.
"Oh. Right." She turned around and opened this silver fridge thing. Then she pulled it out and clunked it into a bag. Then she handed it to me.
"Thanks," I said.
"Uh huh," she responded, giving me a strange look.
Crazy Burger King customer talking about some weird dude named Han Solo..
My food was delicious. As was my pie. Tommy is weird because when I gave him a bite he looked digusted.
"It tastes," he said after he swallowed, "funny.." Then he took a long swig of water because that's all he drinks.
Tonight is good TV night at least.
Grey's Anatomy should be interesting.
I'm recording The Office. An hour long tonight! Oh goodness, I nearly typed WOOT and I HATE that word. I've been reading all you people for too long. *Gives woot users the evil eye*
Then of course, there is Lost and I hope we get to find out what in the WORLD happened to Claire and what's this business about moving the island means? For some reason I picture the island lifted up and these huge massive feet popping up and shifting over beside Brazil or something.
I know, I'm weird...
I never liked any of them.
It was actually a movie that Tom picked for our movie nights when we were dating. This was during our "polite" phase. He endured Sleepless in Seattle without a word and I had to sit through that boring movie.
I kept getting confused on why Han Solo continued to crack a whip.
Just like it startles me when I see Han Solo today with his hair stark white.
Tom wants to see the new Indiana Jones and I said he's welcome to go on his own.
"I thought we could go when your parents visit. For a date," he said hopefully.
"No thanks," I said.
Plus, he already agreed to see the Sex and the City movie.
How?
Well, remember when he went paintballing and he didn't call to let me know what was going on?
Yeah, I sort of made him feel ultra guilty and Tom asked how he could make it up to me.
"Well," I said slowly, "you COULD go see the Sex and the City movie with me..." I trailed off, pretending that I didn't care one way or another. I examined my ragged fingernail and vowwed that I wouldn't chew them again--of course that vow lasted all of two days before my nails were in my mouth once again.
Anyhow, Tom said he'd see it with me.
"I'm sure you'll see boobies," I told him.
Tom's eyes lit up at that. (He's such a MAN.) But then he pretended not to care. He gave a little shrug and went, "I'll just try not to stare at Jessica Sarah's mole."
"Sarah Jessica," I corrected.
Tom shrugged, showing me he could care less what her name was.
"I'll probably be the only man in the theater," he muttered.
Probably not. I imagine there will be other men in there dragged along by their mates.
I told this to Tom.
"GAY men," he fumed.
"Tom. Some men actually LIKE the show. I think deep down you like the show. You watch when I have it on," I pointed out.
"That's because there's nothing else to watch!" he retorted.
Yeah, whatevs.
His favorite episode is when Samantha calls baby Brady an asshole.
Mine too, actually.
Because really, babies can behave like assholes at times.
But enough about that.
I just got back from Burger King. I was naughty and got that for dinner.
Tom works tonight and I woke up feeling like crap.
Natalie woke up feeling like crap.
In fact she woke up a number of times last night.
The fifth time I began to wonder if her plan was to kill me by lack of sleep.
Then when she woke up for the day it was whine whine and double whine.
Plus I see another tooth popping through.
She's refusing to eat again. All she's eaten today is breastmilk and a few bites of oatmeal.
Plus I got her to take a few sips of regular milk. Just a few. Now she pushes the cup away whenever I offer it to her.
I went down for a nap when she did. I did not want to wake up.
Then Tom left for work and I did not feel like cooking.
So I told Tommy that we were going to Burger King.
"Just a plain burger," Tommy told me firmly.
And he's serious about that too. The mustard and the onion pellets freak him out. The pickles send him into hysterics.
It has to be plain.
The Burger King on this base is slow though. I pulled up at the drive thru and the lady blasted over the line.
"WELCOME TO BURGERKING HOW CAN I HELP?"
Again, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
"Yes, I'll take the six piece chicken finger meal," I shouted. "With a diet cok--"
"HOLD ON!"
A silence.
Then, "WHAT TO DRINK?"
"A diet coke..can I get that with buffalo sauce?"
(It's this spicy sauce. It rocks.)
"IS THAT ALL?"
"No, plus a PLAIN hamburger kid's meal."
I have to stress plain. Because if I don't, the burger is still given to us with crap on it.
Then I was naughty and ordered a Hershey's Sundae Pie. I haven't had one of those since England.
Mmmm sundae pie...
I was given the total and then I drove up to the window. The woman leaned out and handed me my drinks. They had the Indiana Jones pictures all over them.
"You excited about the movie?" she asked.
I didn't know what she was talking about at first. I sort of gaped at her in confusion.
"The movie!" she gestured to Han Solo on the side of my diet coke. He was in the middle of cracking a whip with a determined look on his face.
"Not really. It's weird to see Han Solo with a whip, you know?" I laughed a little bit at my joke and it was her turn to gape at me.
"Um," I felt the need to add. "You know, because he was in Star Wars as Han Solo...."
She still looked confused.
Okay then.
Never seen Star Wars, obviously.
Then she nearly forgot to give me my pie!
I dug through the bag and she had shut her window.
I waited a few seconds to see if she'd come back and she never did.
So I reached over and knocked on it.
I saw her peek around the corner and she looked startled to still see me there. She opened it and went, "Yes?"
"My pie? I don't have my pie," I said. I guess I sort of sounded a tad hysterical.
"Oh. Right." She turned around and opened this silver fridge thing. Then she pulled it out and clunked it into a bag. Then she handed it to me.
"Thanks," I said.
"Uh huh," she responded, giving me a strange look.
Crazy Burger King customer talking about some weird dude named Han Solo..
My food was delicious. As was my pie. Tommy is weird because when I gave him a bite he looked digusted.
"It tastes," he said after he swallowed, "funny.." Then he took a long swig of water because that's all he drinks.
Tonight is good TV night at least.
Grey's Anatomy should be interesting.
I'm recording The Office. An hour long tonight! Oh goodness, I nearly typed WOOT and I HATE that word. I've been reading all you people for too long. *Gives woot users the evil eye*
Then of course, there is Lost and I hope we get to find out what in the WORLD happened to Claire and what's this business about moving the island means? For some reason I picture the island lifted up and these huge massive feet popping up and shifting over beside Brazil or something.
I know, I'm weird...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Surprise Dog
Okay, this morning I nearly had a heart attack while we were walking outside to the car.
This dog all of a sudden charged up to me and barked.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
For one, I wasn't expecting to see a dog.
For two, I'm half asleep and to suddenly see this panting, jumping white dog in front of me is startling.
(And let's not forget that I'm a horribly jumpy person. Jennifer can attest to that.)
Tommy went, "What's that dog doing here?"
Then the owner came charging over in his uniform. "I'm so sorry. He escaped. Sorry," he said, trying to lunge and grab the dog's collar.
The dog wanted no part of going back inside. He darted to the other side of my car and barked happily at its annoyed owner.
"Get over here," the owner said sharply. He rushed over to the dog and the dog tried to come over to me for help.
"EEEE!" I said, because dogs make me nervous. I blame Inside Edition who likes to tell stories about dogs that bite the faces off of children. So I practically shielded Natalie, who was strapped in her carseat looking all confused.
Finally, the owner managed to grab the dog's collar.
"I'm sorry. Sorry," the owner said, walking off half bent over since he had his fingers firmly around the dog's collar.
"What happened, Mommy?" Tommy asked.
"A dog got out of his house, I guess," I explained, opening up the car door for him.
"Why?" Tommy wondered.
"I don't know. It happens," I said.
"That dog was too weird," Tommy said matter-of-factly.
Anyhow.
Yesterday we went to Gymboree so I could put my items on hold for today.
It was actually a spur of the moment thing.
I was bored and announced that I wanted to get out of the house.
"To Gymboree, actually," I added.
Tom shrugged. "I could go for a pretzel," he said.
Oh.
"Well actually I was going to leave you with the kids..." I said hopefully.
Tom frowned. "Maybe I want to come too."
His code for "I don't want to watch the children alone. The children scare me. Tommy is extra hyper in the evenings and Natalie wants my attention. This means that I can't play my computer game."
So he came too. But I told him he had to fill up my car before we left.
Tom always fills my car up with gas. I don't like doing it. I CAN do it if I must (when he was deployed for six months I did it) but I'd rather not.
Plus I read an article that said that breastfeeding moms should avoid pumping gas so they don't breathe in the fumes. That might be a little exaggerated but I made sure to point it out to Tom and make him feel guilty when he said I should fill up my own car.
"Sure, okay," I said. "I might breathe in gas and get the fumes in my breastmilk. If you feel comfortable with Natalie drinking gas laced milk then by all means, I'll fill my own car up.."
Then Tom felt bad and went, "Oh I'll just do it! You brat."
So he did fill my car up with gas and then we headed to the mall.
We walked into Gymboree and I started going through the new line.
Tom got a little bored and announced that he'd be going into Sport Authority. He took Natalie with him and I told Tommy he could pick out an outfit.
"I like," Tommy said seriously tapping his chin, "this shirt." He gestured to the green shirt with a shark on it.
I neatly went through the shirts and found a size 6. Then I neatly put them back. I hate making a mess. I don't want to be known as the "customer who makes a mess."
Then he picked out some shorts.
He noticed I picked out a size 4.
"HEY!" he exclaimed. "I'm SIX, not FOUR!"
I had to explain sizes to him. See, he has a size 6 Gymboree shorts but they're still huge even with the adjusters.
He also has a size 5 but they're also huge.
So I figure a size 4 might be best since he has such a tiny waist.
But he can wear either a size 5 or 6 shirt.
Then he picked out matching flip flops.
I tried to get the matching bucket hat for him. I plucked it on his head and he gingerly took it off.
"No hats," he said firmly. "I'm too old for it."
I only got Natalie a pair of shorts on sale for $12.99.
I'm trying to only buy things that I truly love. I mean there were tons that I LIKED in the store but I'm trying to behave.
I brought Tommy's outfit and the shorts up front and asked to put them on hold.
"Ahh you're waiting for the Circle of Friends sale tomorrow, huh?" the cashier said coyly.
I nodded. "Yup."
She glanced at my tiny pile in confusion. "This is it?"
Usually she's used to me bringing a huge pile over.
"I'm trying to be good. My daughter's closet is stuffed," I said.
She smiled. "Ahh, stuff it some more..."
And this is where I had to bite my tongue from pulling a Micheal Scott and shrieking, "That's what she said!"
Of course it doesn't make as much sense coming for a GIRL but still..
But with my luck, she probably isn't an Office watcher and would probably think I'm some strange perv who needs to get the crap out of her store.
I ended up saying nothing.
Well, I did say something. I said I'd pick up my hold tomorrow morning.
While I was in there, this lady was ranting about how they only have one size 5T for each line.
"And it's so annoying, it really is," she was complaining.
She had a huge pile on the counter though.
"I'll be back tomorrow at ten. SHARP," she added, staring the cashier down. Basically saying, "And you better be here at ten SHARP. You better not stroll in late.."
Tom was grateful that I was finished when he came back.
Then we got some pretzels. I gave Natalie a small piece. She basically sucked the cinnamon off of it and tossed the rest on the floor.
This morning I went to pick up my hold.
(And the sale is going on until the 11th. They'll give you a coupon if you ask for one. It's 30% off everything.)
I should do holds more often. I just walked in, gave my name, they went into the back and got it and I paid and that was that.
Then I went to get a churro from Taco Johns. (Nissa, look what you've started..) And I got my sweet tea from Chick-Fil-A.
I had leftover Chinese food for lunch, otherwise I probably would have gotten a taco salad.
Tommy said he'd put on his outfit when he got home from school for pictures. I promised him it wouldn't be a lot.
I better go get Natalie down for her nap. I just asked if she was ready for night nights and she shook her head at me and said, "AHBEE!"
This dog all of a sudden charged up to me and barked.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
For one, I wasn't expecting to see a dog.
For two, I'm half asleep and to suddenly see this panting, jumping white dog in front of me is startling.
(And let's not forget that I'm a horribly jumpy person. Jennifer can attest to that.)
Tommy went, "What's that dog doing here?"
Then the owner came charging over in his uniform. "I'm so sorry. He escaped. Sorry," he said, trying to lunge and grab the dog's collar.
The dog wanted no part of going back inside. He darted to the other side of my car and barked happily at its annoyed owner.
"Get over here," the owner said sharply. He rushed over to the dog and the dog tried to come over to me for help.
"EEEE!" I said, because dogs make me nervous. I blame Inside Edition who likes to tell stories about dogs that bite the faces off of children. So I practically shielded Natalie, who was strapped in her carseat looking all confused.
Finally, the owner managed to grab the dog's collar.
"I'm sorry. Sorry," the owner said, walking off half bent over since he had his fingers firmly around the dog's collar.
"What happened, Mommy?" Tommy asked.
"A dog got out of his house, I guess," I explained, opening up the car door for him.
"Why?" Tommy wondered.
"I don't know. It happens," I said.
"That dog was too weird," Tommy said matter-of-factly.
Anyhow.
Yesterday we went to Gymboree so I could put my items on hold for today.
It was actually a spur of the moment thing.
I was bored and announced that I wanted to get out of the house.
"To Gymboree, actually," I added.
Tom shrugged. "I could go for a pretzel," he said.
Oh.
"Well actually I was going to leave you with the kids..." I said hopefully.
Tom frowned. "Maybe I want to come too."
His code for "I don't want to watch the children alone. The children scare me. Tommy is extra hyper in the evenings and Natalie wants my attention. This means that I can't play my computer game."
So he came too. But I told him he had to fill up my car before we left.
Tom always fills my car up with gas. I don't like doing it. I CAN do it if I must (when he was deployed for six months I did it) but I'd rather not.
Plus I read an article that said that breastfeeding moms should avoid pumping gas so they don't breathe in the fumes. That might be a little exaggerated but I made sure to point it out to Tom and make him feel guilty when he said I should fill up my own car.
"Sure, okay," I said. "I might breathe in gas and get the fumes in my breastmilk. If you feel comfortable with Natalie drinking gas laced milk then by all means, I'll fill my own car up.."
Then Tom felt bad and went, "Oh I'll just do it! You brat."
So he did fill my car up with gas and then we headed to the mall.
We walked into Gymboree and I started going through the new line.
Tom got a little bored and announced that he'd be going into Sport Authority. He took Natalie with him and I told Tommy he could pick out an outfit.
"I like," Tommy said seriously tapping his chin, "this shirt." He gestured to the green shirt with a shark on it.
I neatly went through the shirts and found a size 6. Then I neatly put them back. I hate making a mess. I don't want to be known as the "customer who makes a mess."
Then he picked out some shorts.
He noticed I picked out a size 4.
"HEY!" he exclaimed. "I'm SIX, not FOUR!"
I had to explain sizes to him. See, he has a size 6 Gymboree shorts but they're still huge even with the adjusters.
He also has a size 5 but they're also huge.
So I figure a size 4 might be best since he has such a tiny waist.
But he can wear either a size 5 or 6 shirt.
Then he picked out matching flip flops.
I tried to get the matching bucket hat for him. I plucked it on his head and he gingerly took it off.
"No hats," he said firmly. "I'm too old for it."
I only got Natalie a pair of shorts on sale for $12.99.
I'm trying to only buy things that I truly love. I mean there were tons that I LIKED in the store but I'm trying to behave.
I brought Tommy's outfit and the shorts up front and asked to put them on hold.
"Ahh you're waiting for the Circle of Friends sale tomorrow, huh?" the cashier said coyly.
I nodded. "Yup."
She glanced at my tiny pile in confusion. "This is it?"
Usually she's used to me bringing a huge pile over.
"I'm trying to be good. My daughter's closet is stuffed," I said.
She smiled. "Ahh, stuff it some more..."
And this is where I had to bite my tongue from pulling a Micheal Scott and shrieking, "That's what she said!"
Of course it doesn't make as much sense coming for a GIRL but still..
But with my luck, she probably isn't an Office watcher and would probably think I'm some strange perv who needs to get the crap out of her store.
I ended up saying nothing.
Well, I did say something. I said I'd pick up my hold tomorrow morning.
While I was in there, this lady was ranting about how they only have one size 5T for each line.
"And it's so annoying, it really is," she was complaining.
She had a huge pile on the counter though.
"I'll be back tomorrow at ten. SHARP," she added, staring the cashier down. Basically saying, "And you better be here at ten SHARP. You better not stroll in late.."
Tom was grateful that I was finished when he came back.
Then we got some pretzels. I gave Natalie a small piece. She basically sucked the cinnamon off of it and tossed the rest on the floor.
This morning I went to pick up my hold.
(And the sale is going on until the 11th. They'll give you a coupon if you ask for one. It's 30% off everything.)
I should do holds more often. I just walked in, gave my name, they went into the back and got it and I paid and that was that.
Then I went to get a churro from Taco Johns. (Nissa, look what you've started..) And I got my sweet tea from Chick-Fil-A.
I had leftover Chinese food for lunch, otherwise I probably would have gotten a taco salad.
Tommy said he'd put on his outfit when he got home from school for pictures. I promised him it wouldn't be a lot.
I better go get Natalie down for her nap. I just asked if she was ready for night nights and she shook her head at me and said, "AHBEE!"
Monday, May 5, 2008
To A New Mall We Went
So on Saturday Tom said he'd drive us to the mall in Fort Collins.
We've never been there but I looked it up and saw they had my beloved Rocky Mountain Chocolates. And they make the BEST chocolate covered apples.
I warned Tom to please come to bed around three in the morning so he'd at least get a few hours of sleep. He works the night shift so he's usually awake during the night. Then he'll crawl up to bed at around six or seven and sleep until three or four. But Tom likes leaving the house at 930 in the morning to beat the crowds. Remember, crowds freak Tom out. I would have no qualms about leaving later but it's TOM who insists that we leave early.
I woke up at 7, like usual, and guess who hadn't come to bed?
That's right.
TOM.
I go downstairs and he's playing his computer game.
"Uh Tom?" I asked him. "Did you forget we're going to the mall? Don't you need some sleep?"
Tom logged off his game. "I'll sleep now until we're ready to go," he told me.
Ugh.
Waking Tom up is NOT fun.
For one, he's a total crank. For two, it can take forever to get him back out of bed.
"Now you're going to be all cranky," I complained.
"I won't," Tom insisted.
So at 915 I went to wake him up. I shook his arm and he lifted his head up.
"Wassat?" he mumbled.
"We're going to the mall?" I reminded him gently.
"kdajfklajsfkl," he muttered into his pillow.
I sent Tommy out of the room right in time. Because then he rolled over and, well, he sleeps in the nude and I didn't want to scar my six-year-old for life.
Finally he lifted himself out of bed, stumbled into the shower and was downstairs in ten minutes.
"You ready?" he barked at me.
I was changing Natalie's diaper. "In a sec," I said.
He gave this long sigh.
We were out the door in the five minutes. We stopped off to fill up the truck..the gas prices seriously make me want to cry. We dropped $68 in less than two minutes. On GAS.
Freakin' gas.
I ran inside to grab Tom an energy drink.
Then I noticed that A&W had this new float drink. It was a root beer float in a soda can.
A creamy blend of rich A&W and ice cream flavor! the bottle boosted.
My mouth watered. I love floats.
So I picked that up too. I haven't had it yet. Probably tonight since it's such a nice day.
I went back outside and handed Tom his energy drink. He cracked it open and took a long gulp. Then the entire truck smelled like a sweet tart.
It took about forty minutes to get to the mall. It was MUCH easier to get to then we thought it would be.
Tom had plugged in the address on his GPS and I swear, the woman's voice is loud. There is no turning it down either.
"RIGHT TURN AHEAD!" she'd bark out and I'd jump every time.
We parked and put Natalie in her stroller.
"I'll push him," Tommy said, grabbing the handle and taking off towards the mall.
"STOP!" Tom and I shouted after him.
He paused and turned around. "I'm trying to HELP. Just trying to HELP! Ladedahhhhh!" Then he ran around in a circle.
"Amber," Tom said under his breath. "Did you give him his pill?"
Um.
Oops.
I had totally forgot to give him his Vyvanse.
Which meant he was totally hyper.
"And Tommy," I reminded him, taking his hand. "It's HER. You need to stop referring to your sister as a HE."
Tommy does that a lot. He'll be all, "I'll go get him!" when referring to Natalie.
We walked in and Tommy started bouncing some more. "I'm a FROG. A silly FROG!! RIBBITTTT!"
And seriously, he shouted the ribbit.
"I can't believe you forgot to give him his pill," Tom bickered beside me.
Tommy walked beside us, waving his arms all over the place.
The first place we walked into was Spencer's Gifts. Which probably isn't appropriate for a six-year-old because he noticed the vibrators and asked if it was a colored cucumber.
"Something like that," I lied while the cashier snickered.
Tom and I each got new magnets for our cars and got the heck out of there.
Tom's is the first one.
Mine is the second. Remember how I always complain about people tailing me?
Well, I just had to get that bumper.
After that we stopped in the candy store.
The lady in there must've totally be hyped up on sugar because when we walked in she exclaimed,
"HELLLLLOOOO. A little BOY and a little GIRL. What FUNNNN!"
I started to get a few sour gummies.
"I'm putting fresh gummy worms in here. FRESH GUMMY WORMS. SMELL THIS!" she waved the bag full of gummy worms under my nose. "You must take a few. Take take take!" She was practically shoving it in my face.
"Oh," I said, startled. "Okay.."
I grabbed two.
"Oh you MUST take more. They smell DELICIOUS!" She waved the bag around again.
I took two more. "I'm done," I said firmly.
She bent down to Tommy's level. "Do you like lollipops?" she asked.
"I like cheese," Tommy responded without missing a beat.
She stood upright and blinked a few times. She wasn't sure what to make of that. "Oh.." she stuttered. "Well we have delicious lollipops.." she gestured over to the corner where there were some lollipops bigger than Tommy's head.
"Lollipops are too sticky," Tommy said matter-of-factly. My little sensory boy.
I paid for the gummies and we quickly got out of there.
Next we stopped at Auntie Anne's to get a cinnamon sugar pretzel. We don't have an Auntie Anne's at our mall and they make the best pretzels.
"You know," the cashier told me, "it's buy three pretzels get one free. So you get a free one."
So we got ANOTHER cinnamon sugar pretzel.
It was so good.
Natalie even took a few bites of hers before tossing it on the ground and shrieking, "OOOOOOOO!"
"Pretzel pretzel PRETZEL!" Tommy chanted. "PRETZEL!" he felt the need to add right into Tom's ear.
"Tommy," Tom barked, rubbing his ear. "Hush."
Tommy was fidgeting all in his seat.
After that we found my Rocky Mountain Chocolates. I picked out this chocolate peanut butter caramel apple. Tommy said he wanted the same one so I got two.
When I showed my ID card while handing over my debit card the cashier squinted at it and asked where we were from.
"Wyoming," I explained. "We live at the base by there.."
She nodded. "A lot of people from Wyoming come here," she said.
"That's because our mall sucks," I explained.
She laughed. "THIS mall sucks.."
And it was a sorry mall. But our mall is even smaller so...
"Well plus I love the apples here," I said.
The cashier found that hilarious and tossed back her head and gave a loud guffaw.
Okay then.
They also had a Gymboree.
Tom groaned when I walked in.
"Why? Why why why? We have one at OUR mall. Stop going through that bin, Natalie has enough!" he whined.
But this Gymboree was much bigger than my Gymboree. I had room to move the stroller around. And they had more sale racks out.
"Cupcake cutie stuff!" I said and rushed over.
"She has enough," Tom hissed into my ear.
"Cupcake cutie!" I said again and Tom just gave up.
I wish Tom hadn't been there. Because they had more sale racks out but I knew I had to hurry. As I was looking the worker was all, "We have a sale starting Thursday. You save 30% off everything. I can't remember what it's called..."
"Circle of Friends," I offered.
Her eyes lit up. "YES. That. I'll give you a coupon for it."
"Thanks," I replied.
I ended up just getting two shirts that totalled eight bucks:
Of course I'm going to the sale.
The new line is up online and there are pieces I must have.
That's my Mother's Day present actually. Going shopping at Gymboree.
After that we decided to eat lunch.
Tom got Subway and Tommy and I got burgers at this burger place.
I think it might have actually been called Burger Place.
Hah.
Then on the way out of the mall we got Orange Julius'.
Tommy was bouncing around like crazy.
"Daddy! How old are you?" he kept asking.
"Twenty five," Tom would answer.
"TWENTY FIVE! WOW!"
And he's all excited that Tom's birthday is tomorrow and that he'll be twenty-six.
"And then..and then next year you'll be TWENTY SEVEN!" Tommy shouted.
Then in the truck Tommy was all, "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, one hundred..one hundred ten.."
And he can go up to one hundred sixty and then he'd start over.
"Please," Tom begged after he had done this like ten times. "It's quiet time. Please let's all be quiet."
And then Tommy would whisper, "Ten..twenty...thirty.."
We also stopped off at Toys R Us and Natalie got excited when she saw all the baby dolls.
"Bebe!" she said pointing. "Bebe bebe!"
Then we drove back home.
"Ten..twenty..thirty.." Tommy kept chanting.
"Tommy..please.." Tom said sternly.
"Oh I'm not Tommy anymore. It's Thomas," Tommy said seriously.
"TOMMY!"
"It's THOMAS!"
I had a headache by the time we got home.
Oh and you'll be pleased to know that my OnDemand finally got the latest Tudors and I got to see Henry's butt.
I wonder how that goes. I mean when they give Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who plays Henry, the script.
"Okay Jonathan, in this scene you'll be buck naked and think you see the ghost of your friend, whom you've beheaded."
What if his mother called that day and asked what he did?
"Oh Mum, in this one scene I'm naked and think I see a ghost. Don't worry, Mum, you don't see my front. Just my back. And I also get to put my hand near a woman's breasts."
I see his Mom go, "Good HEAVENS!"
Also my OnDemand must've been apologizing to me for showing that episode so late that they already have this week's episode up.
I'll watch that later.
It's sad to know that so many people are going to die though.
And Cromwell eventually gets the axe.
Literally.
We've never been there but I looked it up and saw they had my beloved Rocky Mountain Chocolates. And they make the BEST chocolate covered apples.
I warned Tom to please come to bed around three in the morning so he'd at least get a few hours of sleep. He works the night shift so he's usually awake during the night. Then he'll crawl up to bed at around six or seven and sleep until three or four. But Tom likes leaving the house at 930 in the morning to beat the crowds. Remember, crowds freak Tom out. I would have no qualms about leaving later but it's TOM who insists that we leave early.
I woke up at 7, like usual, and guess who hadn't come to bed?
That's right.
TOM.
I go downstairs and he's playing his computer game.
"Uh Tom?" I asked him. "Did you forget we're going to the mall? Don't you need some sleep?"
Tom logged off his game. "I'll sleep now until we're ready to go," he told me.
Ugh.
Waking Tom up is NOT fun.
For one, he's a total crank. For two, it can take forever to get him back out of bed.
"Now you're going to be all cranky," I complained.
"I won't," Tom insisted.
So at 915 I went to wake him up. I shook his arm and he lifted his head up.
"Wassat?" he mumbled.
"We're going to the mall?" I reminded him gently.
"kdajfklajsfkl," he muttered into his pillow.
I sent Tommy out of the room right in time. Because then he rolled over and, well, he sleeps in the nude and I didn't want to scar my six-year-old for life.
Finally he lifted himself out of bed, stumbled into the shower and was downstairs in ten minutes.
"You ready?" he barked at me.
I was changing Natalie's diaper. "In a sec," I said.
He gave this long sigh.
We were out the door in the five minutes. We stopped off to fill up the truck..the gas prices seriously make me want to cry. We dropped $68 in less than two minutes. On GAS.
Freakin' gas.
I ran inside to grab Tom an energy drink.
Then I noticed that A&W had this new float drink. It was a root beer float in a soda can.
A creamy blend of rich A&W and ice cream flavor! the bottle boosted.
My mouth watered. I love floats.
So I picked that up too. I haven't had it yet. Probably tonight since it's such a nice day.
I went back outside and handed Tom his energy drink. He cracked it open and took a long gulp. Then the entire truck smelled like a sweet tart.
It took about forty minutes to get to the mall. It was MUCH easier to get to then we thought it would be.
Tom had plugged in the address on his GPS and I swear, the woman's voice is loud. There is no turning it down either.
"RIGHT TURN AHEAD!" she'd bark out and I'd jump every time.
We parked and put Natalie in her stroller.
"I'll push him," Tommy said, grabbing the handle and taking off towards the mall.
"STOP!" Tom and I shouted after him.
He paused and turned around. "I'm trying to HELP. Just trying to HELP! Ladedahhhhh!" Then he ran around in a circle.
"Amber," Tom said under his breath. "Did you give him his pill?"
Um.
Oops.
I had totally forgot to give him his Vyvanse.
Which meant he was totally hyper.
"And Tommy," I reminded him, taking his hand. "It's HER. You need to stop referring to your sister as a HE."
Tommy does that a lot. He'll be all, "I'll go get him!" when referring to Natalie.
We walked in and Tommy started bouncing some more. "I'm a FROG. A silly FROG!! RIBBITTTT!"
And seriously, he shouted the ribbit.
"I can't believe you forgot to give him his pill," Tom bickered beside me.
Tommy walked beside us, waving his arms all over the place.
The first place we walked into was Spencer's Gifts. Which probably isn't appropriate for a six-year-old because he noticed the vibrators and asked if it was a colored cucumber.
"Something like that," I lied while the cashier snickered.
Tom and I each got new magnets for our cars and got the heck out of there.
Tom's is the first one.
Mine is the second. Remember how I always complain about people tailing me?
Well, I just had to get that bumper.
After that we stopped in the candy store.
The lady in there must've totally be hyped up on sugar because when we walked in she exclaimed,
"HELLLLLOOOO. A little BOY and a little GIRL. What FUNNNN!"
I started to get a few sour gummies.
"I'm putting fresh gummy worms in here. FRESH GUMMY WORMS. SMELL THIS!" she waved the bag full of gummy worms under my nose. "You must take a few. Take take take!" She was practically shoving it in my face.
"Oh," I said, startled. "Okay.."
I grabbed two.
"Oh you MUST take more. They smell DELICIOUS!" She waved the bag around again.
I took two more. "I'm done," I said firmly.
She bent down to Tommy's level. "Do you like lollipops?" she asked.
"I like cheese," Tommy responded without missing a beat.
She stood upright and blinked a few times. She wasn't sure what to make of that. "Oh.." she stuttered. "Well we have delicious lollipops.." she gestured over to the corner where there were some lollipops bigger than Tommy's head.
"Lollipops are too sticky," Tommy said matter-of-factly. My little sensory boy.
I paid for the gummies and we quickly got out of there.
Next we stopped at Auntie Anne's to get a cinnamon sugar pretzel. We don't have an Auntie Anne's at our mall and they make the best pretzels.
"You know," the cashier told me, "it's buy three pretzels get one free. So you get a free one."
So we got ANOTHER cinnamon sugar pretzel.
It was so good.
Natalie even took a few bites of hers before tossing it on the ground and shrieking, "OOOOOOOO!"
"Pretzel pretzel PRETZEL!" Tommy chanted. "PRETZEL!" he felt the need to add right into Tom's ear.
"Tommy," Tom barked, rubbing his ear. "Hush."
Tommy was fidgeting all in his seat.
After that we found my Rocky Mountain Chocolates. I picked out this chocolate peanut butter caramel apple. Tommy said he wanted the same one so I got two.
When I showed my ID card while handing over my debit card the cashier squinted at it and asked where we were from.
"Wyoming," I explained. "We live at the base by there.."
She nodded. "A lot of people from Wyoming come here," she said.
"That's because our mall sucks," I explained.
She laughed. "THIS mall sucks.."
And it was a sorry mall. But our mall is even smaller so...
"Well plus I love the apples here," I said.
The cashier found that hilarious and tossed back her head and gave a loud guffaw.
Okay then.
They also had a Gymboree.
Tom groaned when I walked in.
"Why? Why why why? We have one at OUR mall. Stop going through that bin, Natalie has enough!" he whined.
But this Gymboree was much bigger than my Gymboree. I had room to move the stroller around. And they had more sale racks out.
"Cupcake cutie stuff!" I said and rushed over.
"She has enough," Tom hissed into my ear.
"Cupcake cutie!" I said again and Tom just gave up.
I wish Tom hadn't been there. Because they had more sale racks out but I knew I had to hurry. As I was looking the worker was all, "We have a sale starting Thursday. You save 30% off everything. I can't remember what it's called..."
"Circle of Friends," I offered.
Her eyes lit up. "YES. That. I'll give you a coupon for it."
"Thanks," I replied.
I ended up just getting two shirts that totalled eight bucks:
Of course I'm going to the sale.
The new line is up online and there are pieces I must have.
That's my Mother's Day present actually. Going shopping at Gymboree.
After that we decided to eat lunch.
Tom got Subway and Tommy and I got burgers at this burger place.
I think it might have actually been called Burger Place.
Hah.
Then on the way out of the mall we got Orange Julius'.
Tommy was bouncing around like crazy.
"Daddy! How old are you?" he kept asking.
"Twenty five," Tom would answer.
"TWENTY FIVE! WOW!"
And he's all excited that Tom's birthday is tomorrow and that he'll be twenty-six.
"And then..and then next year you'll be TWENTY SEVEN!" Tommy shouted.
Then in the truck Tommy was all, "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, one hundred..one hundred ten.."
And he can go up to one hundred sixty and then he'd start over.
"Please," Tom begged after he had done this like ten times. "It's quiet time. Please let's all be quiet."
And then Tommy would whisper, "Ten..twenty...thirty.."
We also stopped off at Toys R Us and Natalie got excited when she saw all the baby dolls.
"Bebe!" she said pointing. "Bebe bebe!"
Then we drove back home.
"Ten..twenty..thirty.." Tommy kept chanting.
"Tommy..please.." Tom said sternly.
"Oh I'm not Tommy anymore. It's Thomas," Tommy said seriously.
"TOMMY!"
"It's THOMAS!"
I had a headache by the time we got home.
Oh and you'll be pleased to know that my OnDemand finally got the latest Tudors and I got to see Henry's butt.
I wonder how that goes. I mean when they give Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who plays Henry, the script.
"Okay Jonathan, in this scene you'll be buck naked and think you see the ghost of your friend, whom you've beheaded."
What if his mother called that day and asked what he did?
"Oh Mum, in this one scene I'm naked and think I see a ghost. Don't worry, Mum, you don't see my front. Just my back. And I also get to put my hand near a woman's breasts."
I see his Mom go, "Good HEAVENS!"
Also my OnDemand must've been apologizing to me for showing that episode so late that they already have this week's episode up.
I'll watch that later.
It's sad to know that so many people are going to die though.
And Cromwell eventually gets the axe.
Literally.
Friday, May 2, 2008
My Dear Letters
Nothing much to report, so I'll do my dear letters.
-------
Dear my Showtime OnDemand,
I'm miffed that you still have not released the latest Tudors yet. Everyone else around me seems to have already watched it. What's up? Is it because we're in Wyoming? Look, I know Wyoming isn't as important as California and New York, but hello, we have Yellowstone. That should account for something.
Signed,
A-really-wants-to-see-Henry's-butt,
Amber
-------
Dear Wyoming Winds,
Hi. It's me again. Thank you ever so much for rattling my windows the entire night and freaking my daughter out. I really just love waking up at two in the morning. Please, I'm begging you, go bug Georgia or something.
Signed,
A-sick-of-being-blown-over,
Amber
-------
Dear Natalie,
Sweetheart, I know you want to walk. I'm sorry that you can't right now. It's not my fault. Okay, well, maybe it is. What with genetics and all. Plus I was a late walker. You'll get there, I promise. Please stop yelling at me. And while we're at it, stop biting my nipples! It's not cute. When Mommy shrieks OUCH it means that it HURTS.
Signed,
A-poor-abused-Momma,
Amber
------
Dear white car that was riding my arse this morning,
Wasn't that hilarious when I slowed down from 30 (the speed limit on the base) to 20? Sorry, but you're not allowed to get that close to a car. Don't you remember driver's education? You're supposed to give the length of two cars. If you follow me like that again, I'll slow down to 10.
Signed,
A-don't-like-seeing-the-front-of-a-car-close-to-mine,
Amber
------
Dear Max,
I'm sorry that Tommy placed his lollipop on you like that. I asked him why he did it and he explained that he was finished with it and that you seemed to be a good place to set it. I explained that you were a cat not a place to leave leftover food.
I know this insulted you and that you weren't pleased to smell like butterscotch for the rest of the night.
It is why I gave you extra treats.
Signed,
A-sorry-Max-I-really-am,
Amber
------
Dear all the Entertainment Shows out there,
If I have to see a clip of Paula Abdul messing up on American Idol ONE MORE TIME I'm going to scream. We get it. She messed up. Stop rehashing it, she's probably embarrassed enough.
Signed,
A-sick-of-seeing-Paula,
Amber
-------
Dear Lost writers,
Once again, I'm confused. Thanks ever so much. What I'm gathering from all the confusion is that the island is some sort of time warp? Yes? I've always thought that the island was the Bermuda Triangle or something. Am I close?
I really wish I were friends with one of you so I could pick your brains. And be all, "Oh and then Charlie can come back from the dead because the island is magical and stuff.."
I think I'd be kicked out after saying that.
Signed,
A-baffled-but-still-loves-the-show,
Amber
------
Dear Rachel Ray,
Your recipes confuse me. It's not a good idea to have ingredients that are an entire printed page long. Some of your ingredients I've never even heard of. Please just come cook for me or cook and then overnight your food to Wyoming. Oh and I think it was cool that you had Rosie O'Donnell on today. I actually like her.
Signed,
A-wish-I-knew-what-arrabbiata-was,
Amber
-----
Dear Tom,
Could you please not talk when I'm obviously watching a TV show? I really was trying to watch Oprah yesterday since the cast of Sex and the City were on. I don't care if you think the mole on Sarah Jessica Parker's face is scary. Yes, I see they try to cover it with makeup and they aren't doing a good job. Yes, I know you're sick of the audience shrieking after every word that they say, I am too. I don't get why girls do that either. But HUSH. I am TRYING to LISTEN!
Signed,
An-I'm-totally-going-to-see-the-movie-and-leave-you-with-the-kids,
Amber
-------
Dear my Showtime OnDemand,
I'm miffed that you still have not released the latest Tudors yet. Everyone else around me seems to have already watched it. What's up? Is it because we're in Wyoming? Look, I know Wyoming isn't as important as California and New York, but hello, we have Yellowstone. That should account for something.
Signed,
A-really-wants-to-see-Henry's-butt,
Amber
-------
Dear Wyoming Winds,
Hi. It's me again. Thank you ever so much for rattling my windows the entire night and freaking my daughter out. I really just love waking up at two in the morning. Please, I'm begging you, go bug Georgia or something.
Signed,
A-sick-of-being-blown-over,
Amber
-------
Dear Natalie,
Sweetheart, I know you want to walk. I'm sorry that you can't right now. It's not my fault. Okay, well, maybe it is. What with genetics and all. Plus I was a late walker. You'll get there, I promise. Please stop yelling at me. And while we're at it, stop biting my nipples! It's not cute. When Mommy shrieks OUCH it means that it HURTS.
Signed,
A-poor-abused-Momma,
Amber
------
Dear white car that was riding my arse this morning,
Wasn't that hilarious when I slowed down from 30 (the speed limit on the base) to 20? Sorry, but you're not allowed to get that close to a car. Don't you remember driver's education? You're supposed to give the length of two cars. If you follow me like that again, I'll slow down to 10.
Signed,
A-don't-like-seeing-the-front-of-a-car-close-to-mine,
Amber
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Dear Max,
I'm sorry that Tommy placed his lollipop on you like that. I asked him why he did it and he explained that he was finished with it and that you seemed to be a good place to set it. I explained that you were a cat not a place to leave leftover food.
I know this insulted you and that you weren't pleased to smell like butterscotch for the rest of the night.
It is why I gave you extra treats.
Signed,
A-sorry-Max-I-really-am,
Amber
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Dear all the Entertainment Shows out there,
If I have to see a clip of Paula Abdul messing up on American Idol ONE MORE TIME I'm going to scream. We get it. She messed up. Stop rehashing it, she's probably embarrassed enough.
Signed,
A-sick-of-seeing-Paula,
Amber
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Dear Lost writers,
Once again, I'm confused. Thanks ever so much. What I'm gathering from all the confusion is that the island is some sort of time warp? Yes? I've always thought that the island was the Bermuda Triangle or something. Am I close?
I really wish I were friends with one of you so I could pick your brains. And be all, "Oh and then Charlie can come back from the dead because the island is magical and stuff.."
I think I'd be kicked out after saying that.
Signed,
A-baffled-but-still-loves-the-show,
Amber
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Dear Rachel Ray,
Your recipes confuse me. It's not a good idea to have ingredients that are an entire printed page long. Some of your ingredients I've never even heard of. Please just come cook for me or cook and then overnight your food to Wyoming. Oh and I think it was cool that you had Rosie O'Donnell on today. I actually like her.
Signed,
A-wish-I-knew-what-arrabbiata-was,
Amber
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Dear Tom,
Could you please not talk when I'm obviously watching a TV show? I really was trying to watch Oprah yesterday since the cast of Sex and the City were on. I don't care if you think the mole on Sarah Jessica Parker's face is scary. Yes, I see they try to cover it with makeup and they aren't doing a good job. Yes, I know you're sick of the audience shrieking after every word that they say, I am too. I don't get why girls do that either. But HUSH. I am TRYING to LISTEN!
Signed,
An-I'm-totally-going-to-see-the-movie-and-leave-you-with-the-kids,
Amber
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