Monday, July 14, 2008

A Day In The Life

So here's basically what I go through on a daily basis. Granted some things are different: some days I go shopping. Hah.


7:00 AM: Wake up. Not by choice. Hear Natalie screaming from her bedroom. Try to will Natalie to go back to sleep or at least play with her crib toys.

7:02 AM: Natalie NOT stopping crying. Only gets louder. Crib toys seem to piss her off because constantly hear the *clunk clunk clunk* of them being tossed to the floor.

7:03 AM: Push the covers off and slowly get out of bed. Wish I could sleep in. Can't even remember when I last slept in past 9. Am sad. Feel sorry for myself as I slip my feet into slippers.

7:03:46 AM: Retrieve Natalie. Nearly twist ankle on doll that Natalie has thrown out of crib. Natalie immediately starts telling me off. Lifts arms up in expectation of being picked up as she babbles rudely at me. Does not care that it is early. Wants milk. Wants milk now.

7:05 AM: Offer Natalie breast. Natalie clamps on and drinks happily.

7:08 AM: Natalie BITES breast. Take breast away and explain to Natalie that nipple is part of Mommy. Explain that it HURTS Mommy. Natalie smiles. Does not seem to care.

7:08:45 AM: Change Natalie's diaper.

7:09 AM: Ask Natalie what she wants for breakfast even though I know Natalie won't respond. Don't know why I always ask. Offer her frozen waffle.

7:12 AM: Serve waffle to Natalie. Cut up and everything. With a little butter on top. Natalie looks confused. Picks up waffle, brings it to mouth, licks it and then tosses it over the side of highchair.

7:13 AM: Watch as Natalie drops each piece of waffle over highchair. Explain to tot that she needs to eat and retrieve some pieces and put it back on highchair. Natalie looks annoyed that she'll have to throw the pieces off all over again.

7:14 AM: Give up. Natalie never going to eat. Natalie always going to be small. Always going to have to explain to people that yes, she really is (*insert proper age here*) and yes, know that she's small but she's very very picky.

7:15 AM: Let Natalie out of highchair. Try to eat my own breakfast. Swiss Rolls. Know parents would be horrified. Dad would probably insist on having grapefruit if he were here. Would insist that grapefruit is awful. Dad would launch into benefits of grapefruit. Would say again that grapefruit is disgusting. Dad would find article somewhere on benefits of grapefruit, clip it out and hand it to me.

7:17 AM: Mmmm. Swiss rolls delicious. Want more but know that thighs can't take it. Settle for big glass of water.

7: 19 AM: Turn on The Today Show. Try to relax on couch. Natalie not having it. Natalie climbs all over me. Yanks hair, tries to take glasses…

7:20 AM: Slides off couch and sits on floor next to Natalie. Natalie happier. She must feel if she's not on the couch, I can't be either.

7:21 AM: Natalie starts playing with some toys. Figure that I can crack open book and read a few pages.

7:22 AM: Slowly reach for book on arm of couch. Try not to let Natalie see me. If Natalie notices that I'm trying to divert attention elsewhere, she grows aggravated.

7:23 AM: Hurray! Managed to grab book without Natalie seeing. Natalie still playing with toys. Open book. Read a few sentences…

7:24 AM: Natalie notices me with book. Walks over with insulted look on face and then grabs it away. Feel like I will never be able to read again.

7:25 AM: Watch Natalie play. Pretend to take bite of plastic apple. Natalie amused.

7:26 AM: Hear Tommy in room waking up. Tommy asks where breakfast is. Call back up that breakfast is in cupboard. Am not Mom who makes eggs and pancakes. Unless they're of the frozen variety.

7:27 AM: Tommy comes down stairs. Says he wants Froot Loops for breakfast.

7:28 AM: Get Froot Loops out. Pour into bowl. Offer it to Tommy who does not like milk.

7:29 AM: Tommy extra chatty. Talks about planets and the human body and farts. Try to participate in conversation but feel as though I'm failing. Am half asleep. Want to go back to bed.

7:32 AM: Tommy finished with Froot Loops. Asks to watch a movie.

7:33 AM: Pick up Natalie and head upstairs for Tommy rooms. Ask what movie he wants to watch. Tommy makes it seem like this is a terribly important question and taps chin over and over. First says Jungle Book. When I reach for Jungle Book changes his mind. Wants Home Alone. Reach for Home Alone. Nope, nevermind. Cars. Have to bite tongue from lashing out. Feel like son is pickier than any boss that I'd ever have.

7:35 AM: Tommy finally settles on Transformers. Put in Transformers. Gather Natalie and head back downstairs.

7: 36AM-8:00AM: Play with Natalie on floor. Pretend to cook with her. Read her a book. Offer her a doll.

8:02 AM: Offer Natalie jarred baby food. Natalie eats apples and cherry food. Am happy that she at least ate something.

8:03 AM: Get online. Natalie allows it.

8:05 AM: Sigh over e-mail junk. Does not want gigantic penis thank you. Am girl. Does not want to win $100,000. Knows it's a scam.

8:30 AM: Natalie now on lap with me as I surf Internet. Tries to bang keyboard. Some weird file pops up on screen. Uh oh.

8:31 AM: Get off computer. Does not want Natalie messing it up. Computer main outlet to the real world.

8:32-9:00 AM: Play with Natalie on floor. Read books to her. Tries to read own book to her but Natalie catches that it's not HER book and takes book away again.

9:01 AM: Place Natalie down for morning nap. Am tired. Natalie not. Natalie looks offended and stands up in crib, arms out, waiting to be picked up.

9:02 AM: Lapse into speech about how important it is to sleep.

9:03 AM: Speech over. Natalie not moved. Natalie still screeches and demands to be let out of crib.

9:04 AM: Start to rock Natalie. Natalie pops thumb in mouth. Yes..YES…offer Natalie breast. Natalie takes a few gulps, thankfully does not chew.

9:05 AM: Place Natalie in crib again. Natalie actually stays laying down. Thrilled! But try not to show it. Excitement might get Natalie up again. Pretend that I don't care one way or another. Back out of room.

9:07 AM: Slide back into own bed. Ahhh, bliss.

9:09 AM: Am about to drift off…

9:09: 34 AM: Ahhh! Husband starts snoring. Interrupts blissful sleep. Kick husband lightly. Husband grunts and rolls over. Quiet again.

9:11 AM: Am about to drift off…

9:11:36 AM: Ahhh! Husband flings arm across face. Angrily tosses arm off.

9:15-10:30 AM: Sleep. Peaceful sleep.

10:31 AM: Retrieve Natalie. Check on Tommy, who is happily playing with cars in room.

10:32 AM: Offer Natalie breast. Natalie takes a few gulps. Thankfully doesn't chew on nipple.

10:33 AM: Switch on the end of The View. Remembers watching Sister Act with Whoopi Goldberg as child. Good movie. Have soundtrack to it.

10:34 AM: Of course still playing with tot. Change tot's diaper. Reads to tot. Pretends to cook with tot.

10:35 AM: Hungry. Want snack. Nothing sounds good. Want cookie. Cannot have cookie. Am trying to be good.

10:36 AM: Settle for handful of grapes. Pretend they're cookies. Not working. Grapes are cold and slimy. Not like cookies at all.

10:37 AM: Natalie allows me to go online. Try to answer notes and check the children's forum that I write at. Feel like less of a freak amongst other women who love children's clothing as much as I do.

11:00 AM: Natalie demands that I get off. Goes to play with Natalie.

11:30 AM: Makes Natalie's oatmeal up. Natalie weird, prefers baby oatmeal to real table food.

11:42 AM: Washes dishes while Natalie clings to leg. Tommy announces that he's going to play outside.

12:00 AM: Eats lunch. Am having Totino pizza. Hamburger flavored. Offer some to Natalie. Natalie refuses to open mouth. But has to remain on lap while I eat, which makes it awkward. Drop a ton of food on her head. Natalie barely notices. Is used to it.

12:15-1:00 PM: Plays with Natalie.

1:10 PM: Offers breast to Natalie. Natalie takes a few gulps. Doesn't chew on nipple!

1:15 PM: Brings Natalie upstairs. Reads her two books. Explains that it's time to nap. Places Natalie in crib.

1:15:43 PM: Natalie insulted! Does not want to nap! Demands to be let out of crib NOW!

1:16 PM: Rocks Natalie. Sings to Natalie.

1:17 PM: Places Natalie back into crib. Natalie remains laying down. Yes! Backs out of room. Cannot turn back to Natalie. Insults Natalie.

1:18 PM: Wishes I could read. But must clean. Gets busy with folding laundry, mopping kitchen, vacuuming…

2:43 PM: Not much time leftover until Natalie wakes up. Goes out to check on Tommy. Asks if he wants lunch. Tommy says no. Why must I have kids who don't like to eat? Tells Tommy that he has to have something. Tommy asks why. Explains that he'll pass out without food. Tommy says no, he won't. Insists that he'll PASS OUT and Tommy reluctantly comes inside for some Easy Mac.

2:50 PM: Tommy eats only four bites of Easy Mac. Explains that he's full. Cannot be full after only five bites! Worries that he'll starve to death.

2:51 PM: Tommy goes back outside. Made him take at least one more bite. Tommy not happy. Eats just ONE noodle and says that it counts as a bite. Am too tired to argue.

3:00 PM: Natalie up. Offers her breast. She takes a few gulps and clamps down on nipple. PAIN!

3:02-3:30 PM: Changes diaper. Plays with Natalie.

3:31 PM: Offers Natalie Gerber fruit bar. Natalie accepts first half but then refuses the other.

3:35 PM: Natalie allows me online. Checks notes and forum.

3:37 PM: Natalie on lap. Starts banging keyboard. Decide it's safer to get off computer.

3:40 PM: Husband finally wakes up. Plops on couch and switches it to Spongebob. Hates Spongebob! Am 26, too old for cartoons!

3:45 PM: Glares at husband as he just lays there. Wishes I had his life. Must be nice to sleep and sleep and only see kids for a half hour before being able to escape.

4:00 PM: Tom leaves for work. Natalie cries. Partly over the fact that Daddy is gone but partly because she wants to go outside.

4:01 PM: Allows Natalie to go outside. Try to get Tommy to eat NutriGrain bar. Tommy takes two bites and says that he's full. How? Barely has eaten a THING. Going to STARVE TO DEATH!

4:30 PM: Explains to the kids that it's time to come inside. Both whine. Tommy asks why. Says that I'm going to make dinner. Hamburger Helper.

4:32 PM: Bring two whiney kids inside. Tommy wants to go back outside. Say that he's been outside ALL DAY and doesn't he want to see his Mom?

4:32:33PM: Tommy does not want to see his Mom. Wants to go back outside.

4:35 PM: Tells Tommy he can go outside after dinner. But only for a half hour.

4:44 PM: Changes Natalie's diaper.

5:00 PM: Dinner ready. Prepared it with Natalie attached to hip. Can barely remember what it's like to cook without human being strapped to side.

5:02 PM: Tommy takes three bites. Says that he's full. How? Has barely eaten a THING. He's going to STARVE TO DEATH.

5:05 PM: Tommy back outside. Natalie eating a few bites of Hamburger Helper. Want to dance and sing happily but would distract Natalie. So keep quiet and try not to make eye contact. Eye contact might make Natalie stop eating. Flip through US weekly magazine and silently curse celebrities who are already skinny one month after having baby.

5:15 PM: Dinner done. Natalie tosses most of dinner on floor. Will have to vacuum and SpotShot rug again. Should get one of those mats and place it around high chair. Must put on list.

5:16 PM: Attempts to do dishes. Natalie attached to leg. Whining. Wants to play. Does not care if dishes get food crusted on them.

5:17 PM: Gives up on rest of dishes. Will put them in dishwasher. Goes to play with Natalie.

6:00 PM: Goes outside and tells Tommy that he must come in. Tommy whines. Does not want to come in. Is playing. Can I not see? Explain that he must come in just the same. Remind him that he can play tomorrow.

6:01-6:15 PM: Tommy whines. And whines. Wants to go outside.

6:16 PM: Puts on The Family Guy. Knows is terrible mother. But gets Tommy to stop crying.

6:30 PM: Bathes Natalie.

6:40 PM: Dries off Natalie and puts on her PJs. Tells Tommy that it's his bathtime.

6:41 PM: Tommy does not want bath. Wants shower. Fine. Starts shower.

6:42 PM: Tommy changes mind. Wants bath.

6:45 PM: Tommy finally in bath. Remains in bathroom with him. Is worried he'll drown if I leave.

7:00 PM: We all go downstairs. Watch some evening programming. Must remain on floor. If I try to get on couch, Natalie insulted.

7:05 PM: Makes up Natalie's rice cereal. Have weird baby who prefers clumpy baby food to delicious real food.

8:00 PM: Puts Tommy to bed. Reads two books, insists that he brushes his teeth. Lies and says trees will grow in mouth if he does not brush. Tommy believes and brushes heavily.

8:03 PM: Takes Natalie back downstairs. Changes diaper. Offers her breast. Thankfully she does not chew on nipple. Offers her one last baby food snack. Accepts three bites of peach cobbler and then pushes spoon away. Is done with food for the night, thanks.

8:05-8:30 PM: Plays with Natalie. Must continue to place bowl on Natalie's head. When if falls off, must quickly put it back on.

8:30 PM: Yes! Bedtime! Reads book to Natalie. Rocks her. Places her in crib. Natalie doesn't fight it! Bliss! Backs out of room.

8:32 PM: Natalie teased me. Cries. Goes back in room. Offers her breast. Natalie does not want. Tries to break free of grasp and walk away. Explains to Natalie that it's bedtime. Natalie not happy.

8:35 PM: Phew. Natalie back in crib after singing Beatles song.

8:36 PM: Feels like a huge weight has been lifted off shoulders. Have rest of night to myself now! Begins cleaning up living room. Looks as though tornado has gone through it.

9:01 PM: Done! Can do what I want now. Goe online and reply to notes and begin chatting on forum. Am multi-tasker!

10:30 PM: Ugh. Have to go to bed now. Don't want to, am night owl, but knows I must since Natalie wakes up early. Begrudgingly switch off computer and head for bed.


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