Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Nothing Good Can Come From Rob Pattinson

I knew I made a mistake as soon as I placed the magazine down. The cashier took one look at it and her face lit up. I braced myself, knowing what was about to come.

“ROB PATTINSON!” the twenty-something cashier shrieked as she scooped up the magazine. To be honest, I was worried that she was about to make out with it because she brought it close to her face and gave a long sigh. I make the same noise when I see Michael Phelps but when he’s on a magazine cover I don’t feel an urge to bring it inches from my face so I can see his pores.

“Isn’t he ADORABLE?” the cashier practically shouted as she scanned it. As soon as she did she brought it near her face again.

I pulled out my wallet and brought out some bills. “He’s...not my type,” I admitted and tried not to make a face. I seriously wonder if the whole world has gone mad. It seems like there is a Twilight epidemic going on and I’m the only one who hasn’t been claimed by it. Of course I enjoyed the series—I thought it was original—but when I finished, I didn’t cry that I was sorry that I was finished with the books like most people did. I easily moved on and started to read books about humans again.

I used to have people on my side—you know, the types that haven’t been seduced by Twilight--but they’re slowly dropping like flies. They’ll read the series and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that they won’t turn into a Rob Pattinson Crazy—but then there they go, gushing about Rob, gushing about the series and I want to scream, “Noooo! Come BACK!” with my arms outstretched.

My best friend loves Twilight but thankfully she hasn’t gone and put a countdown to New Moon on every one of her web pages. She doesn’t talk my ear off about the books. She isn’t attracted to Rob Pattinson!

Of course it’s fine that people drool over Rob Pattinson. People like who they like. But I don’t need to hear about what he’s doing every second of the day. The cashier obviously was one of those types because she leaned towards me as though she had a deep secret.

“My friend got to see him at Comic-Con,” she whispered, her eyes darting all over the place as though this news were confidential. “She says he looks even better in person.” She looked at me expectantly. I think she was waiting for me to do the famous Girl Squeal that I only reserve for fancy desserts.

“That’s...nice,” I said, wanting to get on my way. She had obviously not heard me when I had mentioned that Rob wasn’t my type. Or maybe those words didn’t compute in her Rob obsessed mind.

“Kristen is a fool for not wanting to be with him,” the cashier said, flipping through my magazine. Um HELLO? Buy your own...

“Maybe Kristen prefers a man who actually washes his hair,” I said dryly. I had heard that Rob doesn’t wash his hair often.

The cashier looked up with a start as though I had insulted her. “That’s not true,” she said firmly. “He washes his hair. That’s not true!

Woah. Okay there. She was obviously a Scary Twilighter. There are some Twilighters that I can tolerate because they’re still sane. But people like the cashier? No thanks.

“I have to go now,” I said, reaching for my magazine.

The cashier reluctantly handed it over with my change and receipt.

“You take care of Rob,” she said.


“Well, Rob’ll be going into the trash when I’m done reading him,” I said cheerfully and I swear, you’d have thought that I had just called her Vinegar Tits from her horrified expression.

I headed to McDonalds after that because I had a craving for a Big Mac. When I pulled up to retrieve my order the worker handed me one of those drink carriers with a mini cup filled with those mocha things that they serve. This would be nice if I actually liked mocha.

“Oh, I don’t need the sample,” I said, trying to hand it back.

The worker looked stunned. “But it’s free,” she argued.

“I get that. But I don’t drink coffee,” I explained.

“But it’s free,” she said, blinking rapidly.

I did not want a cold Big Mac so I went, “Never mind,” and set the carrier down in the seat beside me. As I pulled away the little sample drink tipped over and mocha spilled all over the seat of my NEW CAR.

“Stupid MOCHA! This just proves that NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM ROB PATTINSON!” I screeched which made no sense but the magazine was on the floor of the passenger side and Rob’s face looked like he was gloating. That’s what you get for not liking me. Mwahahaha!

When I got home I decided that I had to do something to the magazine to show people that no, I did NOT like Rob so no, I did not want to start a lengthy conversation about him. This magazine is my reading material for the airplane on Saturday so if I came across a Scary Twilighter then I wouldn’t be able to get away. I cannot sit for two hours talking about a guy who can’t act.

So what I did is this:

This will hopefully show all those Twilighters out there not to speak to me about Rob.

I think I may also need to add, Does not LIKE! Does not want to DISCUSS! on the cover for good measure....


  1. Oh, I'm so glad it's not just me! Sometimes I really feel behind the curve. First of all, I had never even heard of Twilight before January. I haven't even read Harry Potter yet, for crying out loud. Second of all, I didn't even know the Twilight guy's name (although I know his face all too well) until you mentioned it. And thirdly, I generally dislike cashiers who spend that much time commenting on anything I'm buying, let alone salivating over it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

  2. Personally, I didn't imagine Edward Cullen looking anything like Rob Pattinson. You wanna watch him die? Rent Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Gosh . . . I hope I didn't give anything away . . . Cheers!

  3. I'll take Angel, he made a much prettier vampire.

  4. I do NOT like Rob Pattinson. He is the WRONG man for that role in the movie. He makes that "insense" look that just doesn't come across the way it should. He rubs me the WRONG way.

    I loved the books, hated the movie. And thats all I'm gonna say about it! :)

  5. While I enjoyed the series, I cannot get behind the RPattz love. Kellan Lutz or Jackson Rathbone on the other hand? Well, there are things I'd like to do to them that would make Jenna Jameson blush. ;) [I'm kidding. Totally kidding.]

    Love the addition to the cover. You should totally write "do not want" on the picture.

  6. Well...as someone who has read the series, watched the movie, had a bday party, dressed up for the movie, owns a tshirt, totebag, Team Edward pin, and an Esme bracelet...I have no idea what you mean by obsessed!? LOL!

    I, however must agree...Rob Pattinson always looks a little greasy to me. He doesn't make me swoon...I think Jay Leno said it best while interviewing RP on the Tonight Show..."I have a feeling that if you weren't making movies you would be homeless."

  7. Well...as someone who has read the series, watched the movie, had a bday party, dressed up for the movie, owns a tshirt, totebag, Team Edward pin, and an Esme bracelet...I have no idea what you mean by obsessed!? LOL!

    I, however must agree...Rob Pattinson always looks a little greasy to me. He doesn't make me swoon...I think Jay Leno said it best while interviewing RP on the Tonight Show..."I have a feeling that if you weren't making movies you would be homeless."

  8. Yeah, I'm not a Twilighter either. Absolutely no interest whatsoever, and I don't really get the diehards (I get being fans, but I'm talking the over-the-top). Nor do I drink coffee. So this might as well have been me writing it, except, you know, it happened to you.

  9. Shoulda thrown the magazine at the checkout Twilighter and the coffee at the Mac-brained "customer service expert." Cos those things make you feel better....

  10. I like what you did with him! I agree, nothing good, nothing good at all!

  11. Part of me really hopes that I'm the one to break this to you, but I imagine that you've probably heard who Pattinson's "twin" is...

    Dorky Marcel from Top Chef season 2
    Check it out:



    heeheehee ... mwa hah ha!

  12. Nope, not a fan here, either. Haven't read the books - the thought of vampires just doesn't appeal to me in the least! Haven't watched the movie and just from the pics on the magazines all over the darn place, I hafta say, I don't find him attractive. There. Said it! lol!

  13. OOOOKay. I would like to Plead the F'ing Fifth.

    I'm not on any "team" but JenJens,by the way :)

  14. Rob and I are not friends.

    There is a checker at the local Walmart that I have to avoid like the plague when I buy my magazines on Fridays. She reads the covers and then tries to engage me in conversation about what's on them, etc. So annoying!

  15. I'm glad I'm not the only one either. I don't even know who Rob is (until now). I haven't read Twilight or seen the movies and have no interest. I love your drawings! :)

  16. LOL, this is hysterical! I did read the series, and (gulp), I did like it. And yes, I saw the movie. (sigh) However, I don't get all the hype, either. Maybe it is because I didn't picture Edward to look anything like RP?? Not sure. But I'm with ya!

  17. The whole Twilight thing never interested me. My sister read the book and told me it was great and that I should read it. She sent me the book. I can't even get passed the first few pages, the writing is atrocious!

    I have also never read the Harry Potter stuff. I'm not into dungeons, dragons, magical realms, or dark underworld type crap.

    Whew, I feel so much better now. Glad to hear that someone else is not a fan.

  18. I bow to your photo art!! I am impressed that you could cut and paste the pic so well of the magazine with the ink all over it. Nice!!

    I also do not get the twilight thing. He is too young for me. I need Mel Gibson, Tom Selleck, Tom Hanks,... These guys are more my speed.

    I love that you screwed with the clerk telling her that you would be tossing the rag in the trash. Very fun. I see the clerks do not forget you.

  19. Who's Rob Pattinson?

    Is he that guy in that movie with Ashley Greene?

    Now Ashley Greene I'd buy a people magazine to read about any day.

  20. I watched Twilight to see what all the hype was about, and was totally unimpressed. I don't think Rob Pattinson is cute at all - he's definitely not my type. So don't worry Amber, you're not the only sane one left in this world. ;)

  21. I'm with you! Not a fan of the Rob. When I saw the cast for Twilight I was deeply disappointed. Not Edward material. I did love the books, but not THAT much.

  22. I'm not a fan of Rob's either. He was not at all what I pictured Edward to be. I love what you did with his picture, though. :)

  23. Vinegar Tits.....bwahahahahaha!

  24. Where is Buffy the Vampire Slayer when you need her? She'd stake Edward in a minute. The only vampires for me are Angel and Spike.

  25. While I am a Twilight fan, it really blows my mind how OBSESSED these people get over the ACTORS who play FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. C'mon, get a life! Its a good story, read it again if you must. But I'm with you, please don't start talking to me about any of their personal lives. Now if you want to talk to me about actual story line of the BOOK I will conversate, other than that, go away.

    BTW, Rob's acting doesn't bother me near as bad as Kristen, blech!

  26. Oh man, sorry you spilled your mocha all over your new car. That sucks! That was stupid that they didn't just take the drink back. They never put the lids on those things right anyway it seems. I had a friend over yesterday and she started going on and on about Twilight. I gave her this blank look and she said "You've read the books, yeah?" I said "No." She said "Oh my gosh, I HAVE to lend you my series!" I said "No thanks." She looked at me like I was from another planet. I just told her I'm not into reading (which I'm mostly not) and that seemed to work to get her off my back LOL.

  27. Bwah ha ha! That bastard. I'm so going to use vinegar tits in a sentence this week.

  28. Oh...thank goodness there's another person out here not under the twilight/rob p spell.

    I thought I was the only one left!

  29. haha! geez woman, you're crazy!! but that's hilarious! so sorry about the car...that part sucks...

  30. Reading through your comments, it appears that there are more of us out there than I thought...

    My daughters are gaga over him. Moms and daughters aren't supposed to be gaga over the same guys. That's just - silly. Unless it's Johnny Depp. He has legitimate cross-generational appeal. But this boy with his caved in face? Yeah, no.

  31. buwahahahahaha...the cashier passing off info like she sits in a room with RP to know if he showers or not is so funny. Just like my grandmother who quotes things from the Enquirer as actual facts.


    And um you know me and this Twilight thing.

    (as I run and duck from all the tomatos coming my way:)

  32. I don't get the obsession either. It's just not my thing, him or the series. But hey to each is own, I guess.

  33. That's pretty funny. All kinds of weird things happen in check out lines. You've got a funny blog!!

  34. I loved the series but hated the movie. It was nothing like the book and the cast was so far from what I had dreamt up it's not even funny. I won't even get started with the cheesy special effects and the horrid acting. I get the teenage obsession, it is a rite of passage, but the adult women going crazy over the movie and Rob, yuck! Why do people always have to take things too far?!

  35. hahahaha!
    i love it!
    he's totally not my type either!

  36. You lost me at Vinegar Tits! LOL!

    I haven't read the Twilight series. I plan to. My daughter liked them. I watch True Blood on HBO. That's funny, sexy, and gory. I'm reading the books that go along with it, too.

  37. i tried to read the first one, i honestly did. actually i made it through, barely. i went to see the movie, barely made it through that awful thing also. what is sad is i won't get those hours of my life back, i could have been cleaning toilets or laundry, or something worthwhile...oh well

  38. LMAO!!! I thought I was the only one who didn't like him or get the craze about him! While I liked the books, I hated the movie (the acting sucked so bad I wanted to turn it off after 5 minutes not to mention the storyline was as far off from the book as it could get) and honestly I just think that RP looks a little freaky.


  40. Okay, that was a joke. I hope you saw it in your email inbox and got scared and judged me hahahahahaha. That really made me laugh.

  41. While I wouldn't kick him out of bed, I wouldn't go out of my way to get him in it, either.

  42. see, you're not alone! i, too, am not an rpattz fan. too dirty. and, while i DO really like vampire stories (read all of anne rice's), i have not read any of the twilight series, nor have i seen the movie. i'm pretending i'm too cool for it.
    ps - vinegar tits is awesome!!!!

  43. Yes, vinegar tits is awesome. lol I buy the love, but I've never gasped or yearned for any of the cullen clan. I wanna jump the werewolf bones.

  44. Oh my, my world is up side down! You broke the pattern somehow!!! I fully expect a new post from you around this time every single day except on the weekends, and there isn't a new one up yet!! J/k. Except that I do look forward to new posts from you. It may be an hour early, actually. I'll check back! :)

    I know, I got to get a life.

  45. 1) I do not like Twilight. I haven't liked Twilight since whispers first started circulating. I think she's over blown and over rated and got damn lucky.

    Bitter, party of one.

    2) I do not like Rob Pattinson.

    3) He needs to wash his hair and quit whining.

    Whew. I'm done.

  46. As soon as I saw the photos in this post, I immediately cheated and went for your comments, before going back and actually reading your post. Rob always evokes quite the response in people.

    I, for one, am right there with you in my dislike of the Rob. He so does NOT wash his hair. People really just need to get over him already.

    You and I can lead the charge. :)


  47. Dude ... i live under a rock - i have no idea who he is and while have heard of twilight i have yet to be seduced. I'm yer girl.

  48. Guess what... I've never read the books, and I don't plan to!


  49. OMG...I hav got to say that I rate this as the best post I have ever read on a blog...I sooo totally hate the series and the characters and the actors playing in the movie...I mean rob pattinson is not hot..He's pathetic...He sucks I like zac efron a million times better..esp in the movie it seems as if he's wearing a lot of makeup!!!! Check this out on my blog...I think you'll really like this: Robert Pattinson's most humiliating moment: http://diaryofanallpakistanigirl.blogspot.com/2009/07/robert-pattinsons-most-humiliating.html

  50. I SERIOUSLY can NOT believe that you degraded my boyfriend so horribly. I mean REALLY. REALLY. I am so heartbroken.


  51. I loved the books, but I'm not a bit crazy about Pattison as Vinegar Tits was.

    If that dude washes his hair, it's not very often. Did you see him on NBC's morning show several months ago...it looked like someone rubbed old bacon grease in it.



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